| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:13:17 PM | I am curious to know from men whether they consciously made a decision to absent themselves from their kid's lives because their ex's made it so difficult to be part of their lives and just gave up fighting.
I have met quite a few single dads in the last few years and so I'm told they just gave up because it meant putting the kids in the middle in making a choice and also, the cost to fight was just too costly. (Ok I hear a lawyer joke coming!)
I have met many single dads who are highly involved with their kid's activities. But many women I have met, they tell me their ex's are absent....of course I get the usual story that many men don't care which I am sure in some cases is true......but not only as a father but as a parent, I really find it hard to believe, a parent(mother or father) could just walk away.
I know it is difficult to co-parent a child with an ex that you probably loathe because if u didn't you may still be together......but I just don't understand how a parent could walk.
I was mentally tortured for years wanting to walk because I didn't have the financial resources to fight and the legal battle is mentally exhausting in particular when the children are caught in the middle. I would love to hear people's thought. | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:26:27 PM | There are a lot of threads on this topic already. Why not contribute your thoughts to one of those. I'm afraid this one is going to get deleted.
Take care and good luck,
Jack | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:42:50 PM | well I see a lot of posts from women who say their ex's walked away
But I want to know if it fact the men walked away because they are lousy dads or did they walk away because their exs made it so difficult they just gave up because they ran out of money to pay the lawyers
I just find it hard to believe any parent would walk away ..... | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:46:31 PM | I also see a lot of posts that people say a parent walks away because they dont want to pay child support
if its true that it is in the best interest of the children the issue of paying child support is different from visition
To get child support from a dead beat parent get their wages garnished.....but visitation should not be conditional paying child support. The law is clear on that but many people see the two as dependant on one another
And yes I pay my child support.....GLADLY | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/19/2007 11:10:47 PM | | why are you targeting just fathers, there's also absent mothers. I think we all dont' know why or fathom why a parent would walk away. Perhaps they are missing a gene, who knows, you'd have to call these absent fathers and mothers to find out. All we can do is assume and it's never good to assume things. | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/20/2007 2:53:49 AM | ^^^^^^^ Thank you for the opening of that statement, I agree it's not just single dads that do a runner never to be seen of again. I am a single dad of two wonderful kids (aged 14 & 10) who both live with me.
I was the one that walked on the them & my ex, but i made sure that i saw my son & daughter everyday, they stayed with me at weekends & half of the school holidays.
It's now turned around where they both prefer to live with me, which is possibly to with the fact that I actually show an interest in them. Taking them places, going to school activities, sorting out all the difficult situations in school that type of thing.
My ex on the other hand hardly sees them, not only because she cant be bothered, but also because my kids only go when they feel like it.
My son only goes over for about five minutes a day, because he feels that his mam is not that interested in any part of their lives. This coming fom the lips of a 10 year old. | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/20/2007 3:08:21 AM | Well I don't date men LOL....so I don't personally do not know of women who have walked on out their children but I will say this
I dated one lady for a while who quite visibly obstructed her ex's access time for which I took exception and ended the relationship.
Many women I meet, the first thing I ask is if the ex is involved with the kids....I don't mind being a male influence in a child's life, but I strongly believe children need the influence of both parents. However, many women I have met, their ex's are just not involved on a regular basis or at all for that fact and I just cannot fathom how so many "fathers" are absent.
In my case like many I dealt with the Ontario Family Courts and I had to contend with allegations of physical abuse and of course I made sure I had evidence to squash those allegations....then my ex would interfere with my access time , not tell me about kids activities, report cards etc. and again back to court.
But many of the single dads I know, have just given up fighting because of financial resources....so when I meet a woman and hear about a father being absent I just wonder if it is someone who truly doesn't care about the kids or did these people make it so difficult for their ex they just walked away. | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:48:03 AM | | Oh no, can't go here with you on this post other than to say watch what assumptions you make after wondering about other's situations...And many parents I know whould walk through Hell's fire with their asses covered in gasoline before they EVER walked away from their children! | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:01:47 AM | | i split from my ex 11 yrs ago my daughters were 3 and 5 my ex texted my daughters a few moths ago telling them he didnt want to see them again as a result of this my now 16 yr old took an overdose a few weeks ago i asked her why and she replyed my dad doesnt love me u tell me what i could say to m daughter he doesnt even send them so much as a birthday card or a christmas card he had another woman i was married to him at 19 thank god my daughter is ok but why should her dad turn his back on her she is his flesh and blood i know there are some great dads out there i have a son who is now 4 im not with his dad now but he plays a good part in my sons life he always comes first in his like like my son and my daughters are in mine i can never forgive my ex for the way he treats my 2 daughter i was married to him 10 yrs i never cheated on him can u give me some advice on this please love joanne x | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:33:43 AM | I know some may think I am making generalizations but I can only go on my experiences.
Like I said, I know many single dads who have been frustrated with their ex's in regard to access trying their best to be an equal parent.
I know there mothers AND fathers who willingly walk away to the children's detriment, but I have been through the courts....and I have vigilantly fought for what access I had and the frustrations I had to endure having to watch my ex denigrate me in front of our children.
There are 2 major cases in Ontario where a judge took custody away from a mother because she continually interfered with her husband's access and used parental alienation behaviour after the divorce.
for those who are interested here is a summary
http://www.canlii.org/eliisa/highlight.do?text=tessaro&language=en&searchTitle=Search+all+CanLII+Databases&path=/en/on/onca/doc/2006/2006canlii15126/2006canlii15126.html
http://www.canlii.org/eliisa/highlight.do?text=parental+alienation&language=en&searchTitle=Search+all+CanLII+Databases&path=/en/on/onsc/doc/2007/2007canlii31787/2007canlii31787.html
These are just 2 examples and I know every case is unique, but I wonder when the courts will see that both parents make it difficult for one another to co-parent children.
When are parents going to realize that the happiness of children is paramount so that they can grow up to be well adjusted adults....after all isn't that what matters? | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:41:27 AM | To xxxscorpio37xxx
I read in your post that I think could be the start of the healing process....you say you can never forgive your ex? Then he has succeeded in imprisoning you emotionally.
You cannot ever be emotionally healed if you cannot forgive. Please do not interpret this as do your best to forget. No one EVER forgets, but if you can forgive, it will allow to move on.
I do believe forgiveness is the key......
I would also say to your daughter without denigrating your ex......and teach her that love is a choice....we choose who we want to love in our lives....it is not what your daughter did or didn't do.....but your ex made a choice not to love her and do you best to tell her those who do love her is because of who she is and not because they have to.
This is how I dealt with my kids | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/20/2007 12:42:49 PM | Well first off no offence to anybody's situation but this thread should be called absent parents not fathers.
fathers get a hard enough time as it is without ever assuming its just those that walk away.
But as a single mum, who hasnt heard from her ex about our child since april & doubts very much she will ever hear from him.
It is hard and i cant believe he can be so comfortable with walking away from his own flesh and blood. it may be easier because we broke up when i found out i was pregnant so hes seen no pictures no scans doesnt no if baby has been born yet etc...
We had a really bad break up, police were involved etc, but ive never said anything about his access to our child i wont bad mouth him and i wont let family or friends either.
I dont think he will take an interest but ive kept every photo and present i could find from my ex to me so that i can give them to my daughter when shes old enough to find him has some things from him to hopefully give them a connection. | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 11/21/2007 11:22:18 AM | First, I agree - it is also absentee mothers (friend of mine has sole custody of his four year old son because his exwife split with a kid she met online).
Second, I have a child who has an absentee father. His decision to split had nothing to do with me giving him a hard time about seeing our son (in fact, I tried my damndest to maintain an open line of communication - he shut it down because his gf was jealous of him having any contact with me). He did go through a pretty hellish custody battle with his exwife (before me), so perhaps that played a part in his decision - but really - to give up on your newborn child because of a bad experience you had in the past? Lame excuse.
Basically, he no longer wanted the responsibility of fatherhood. (His explanation)
Finally... I also have a 14 yr old son who has a regular relationship with his dad - I support and encourage that relationship (something my exh, father of my younger son, witnessed - so he knew I wouldn't interfere with his relationship with our son - by example!). | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 2/10/2008 6:27:49 AM | My daughters father Wants nothing to do with her from day onei told him i was pregnant.. WE are going to have a dna test done for he dont believe she is his.. Which i know u can never tell by looks.but this childlooks just like him... He didnt want his mother or brothers and sisters to know about her.. Now his Father Walked out of his life and back in over the years and he fine by it..Iasked him does he really want his daughter to grow up knowing her dad wanted nothing to dowith her.. He Than replyed that he is thankful what his father did and He is going to do the same b/c he dont want a child . I told him mom and Step father about there granddaughter and they cant be happier and are very upset with her father b/c he is acting this way.. Ive asked him if he wanted to meet her He said No.. i wanted you to have an abortion. Which i dont believe in abortion at all.. So.. she is Now 3 months old With only me and my mother.. Its hard for me to raise her on my own .I know Parents who are doing it and yes in due time ill be able to do it myself.. But i wanted to say that.. My daughters sperm donor Is just a Deadbeat.. he also said he will never tell his furture WIFE that he has a daughter or Any other kids he has b/c he dont want nothing to d with HIS and my daughter. But there are DEAD BEATS out there whom give guys a bad name when there are many whom arnt dead beats and get kicked in the ass for being a single father whom are trying to have relationships with their children and i truly feel sorry for them.. Ive found a great guy whom wants everything to do with my daughter but in no way am i looking at him to be her father just her friend.. HER sperm donor is going to pay childsupport and take care of her weather he likes it or not.. B/c here in MD if u dont pay u loose ur liences And than Your off to Jail!.. So either u pay one way or u pay another!.. So YEs there are many dead beats out there whom just walk away b/c they arnt ready to grow up and take care of ther children... U lay down and play with no condom U Better stand up tall and pay and be a daddy.. Well.. Thats my 2cents..    | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 2/10/2008 6:58:05 AM | | Ok ok, I know what you guys are all talking about but you are still forgetting the emotionally absent parents. I have a son in preschool, his father and I share custody. My son has balled his eyes out several times recently b/c he has asked his dad to spend some time with just the two of them and he keeps not listening. I hate it but I sit there and just try and comfort our son b/c thats his dad and I feel that he has the right to be there for his son but at what point do u say enough is enough?! What point do u say u know what if u r going to be this way just stop trying b/c really in all honest that is just as bad as physically abandonning a kid, it is all the same and in the long run will do more damage... | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 2/10/2008 8:06:54 AM | | I know in my case my ex husband (daughters father) walked away from a marriage and a child and I still to this day do not know why he left. But I also have a really great son's father who is still around, spends as much time as possible with him, helps me support my daughter (which I make very clear he does not have to, but chooses to anyway) But when we date we fight like cats and dogs and it has come to verbal blows, but as friends we get along great, we spend time as a family together. But when we are dating, it's like we resent eachother for something that we are forced to spend time together because of the label of parents | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 2/10/2008 9:58:24 AM |
ell I see a lot of posts from women who say their ex's walked away
But I want to know if it fact the men walked away because they are lousy dads or did they walk away because their exs made it so difficult they just gave up because they ran out of money to pay the lawyers
I just find it hard to believe any parent would walk away .....
I used to believe that too.
Then my exh walked out three weeks before our son was born. I called him when I went into labor, because I firmly believed we'd be co-parenting if nothing else. He took me to the hospital and promptly went to sleep while I labored in intense pain.
He became a little more involved during the birth, then promptly vanished for three days.
After we came home, he would come by to visit once a week for 10-15 minutes - he did that for 3-4 weeks (i.e., 3 to 4 visits), and then stopped. Never came back or asked to see his son again. Within a year, he had ceased all contact with all of his other children as well - no holiday contact or gifts, no acknowledgment on birthdays or anything.
It has now been 5 years. We have never moved, never changed phone numbers, I work at the same place and as far as I know, he has always lived and worked within one hour's drive of us. He has never attempted to make contact in all that time.
Child support is garnished directly from his wages, since when it wasn't, he simply did not pay and is $20,000plus in arrears for the five children.
He knew I was not the kind of person who would fight him just because he left me - he knew I always put my child first and that I have a good relationship with my exh (my older son's father) because we share a child.
So, really, there is no excuse for abandoning his child outside of the one he gave when he first left: "I'm just tired of being a father and a husband... I want to have some fun."
Guess he should have thought of that *before* his second marriage and fifth child, eh?
So, despite my firm belief before that that no parent would walk away without a damn good reason, I've seen the "darkness" so to speak and know, first hand, that some parents do indeed "just walk away" for no good reason. | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:17:29 AM | There are always reasons why a parent cannot be around. I don't think it is right, but sometimes in some situations it may be for the best.
I'm sure that some people think that I took my daughter away from her father. I did not. My ex-husband had and the last I heard still has drug and alcohol issues. He is just not capable of being a father. He cannot keep a job or a place to live. The last that I heard he was living on the streets in a state far away from us.
Until he disappeared two years ago, I did my best to make sure they had visitation when he wasn't in jail, or intoxicated. I did refuse to take her to jail to visit him, I just did not think that a healthy thing to do.
Now I have a 7 year old that just doesn't understand why her father isn't around. It breaks my heart. | |
|
| Absent Fathers
Posted: 2/10/2008 10:36:14 AM | I have two friends who I will not go as far to say that they walked away from their children but were denied access for years and almost got to the point of walking away.
It is was same thing almost every week, they would go to pick up their kids and they would be sick, or away, or no one home or his daughter didn't want to go that weekend or she start some argument over the amount of child support. One my friends went back to court I think it was around 11 times until he ran out of money for a lawyer and then had to represent himself. They both sent christmas presents and birthday cards but never heard whether thier kids actually received them.
The one friend his son told him when he was about 15 that he didn't want anything to do with him which my respected. Funny thing was it didn't stop his mother and his son for suing him for the cost of post secondary education last year.
What I find interesting is that in both of these cases access was denied, documented and presented the courts to show a consistent pattern. All the judges would do is admonish them in court, tell them to stop it and then nothing. But when one of my friends became to ill (he died about a year later) to work it only took a few weeks before Family maintenance enforcement was on him because he was getting behind in his child support. I think that parent's who consistently deny access where there is no evidence of abuse should be treated the same as those that don't pay their support, up to and including jail time. | |
|
Home
login 
