| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:42:08 PM | Ok. I have a 2.8 little boy and a 9 month little girl. Their father and i split 7 months ago due to drugs and abuse. He has since seen someone to deal with anger issues and is off drugs (and has proven it to me).
He had been having supervised visits with the children as i know he loves his kids and wouldn't talk them out of his life but need to know they are safe.
He has a girlfriend, been together 6 months now and are lifing in a 3 bdroom house. He has set the house up with bed, cot, toys and such. He now wants to have the children at his house unsupervised. He tells me he has changed but there is a lingering doubt there for me (prob my trust issues with him). I just have to make sure the kids are safe and do whats best for them.
Any advice on this situation? Im in two minds about it.
Thankyou.
Carly | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:01:28 PM | If he wants to be a real dad, who are you to say no? This may be a case of if he says hes reformed..he is. If he loves his kids as much as you say, I can't believe he would knowingly put them in harms way.
Then again, in cases like these - you know him better than any of us | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 6:08:48 AM | | If the problem was real, and you have reservation then what is the harm in giving real boundaries or goals.. If you are clean for 1yr then you can have slowly increasing home access without supervised custody. There are many woman I think unwilling to give this because it removes the control. They can dangle access and remove it at a whim using real or contrived reasons. By putting it in writing they remove the ability to make the ex squirm and dance to their tune. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 6:21:33 AM | 7 months ago is not a long time at all...I would be really hesitant and work to protect those kids. If I were you I would try to come to some agreement, such as supervised visits in his home (maybe the girlfriend can supervise?) along with regular proof that he is staying clean AND continuing counselling for a while. They are so young, and really can't speak up for themselves in this case so I would want the added protection.
I would hope as a parent as well he might understand your apprehension and be willing to prove himself for a while with a goal of unsupervised visits.
Good luck to you and your little ones...it isn't easy!  | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:21:36 AM | | You should not be asking this one. You know your answer. Are you just not comfortable saying “no” to him? He has a history of drug abuse, which makes you even more responsible for your kids. You have every right to set the rules. Do only what you think is absolutely safe for your kids and never take chances. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:21:58 AM | | only you know him and what is best for your kids. my suggestion is to make him take a drug test when he picks them up. you can buy accurate ones over the counter which take only minnutes. What is your real fear? are you afraid he will take off with them? what is the custody arrangement? what do u think of the girlfriend that will be in the house with the kids? is she maternal, someone you can trust? | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:23:36 AM | | oh and yes i am not a single parent but i am an extra parent in many lives. at 18 i was a single parent of my nephew but my sister has since stepped up to the plate. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 11:19:00 AM | being sober 6 months is not enough stability, not to mention being with a gf of 6 months and now living with her. Is this her house or his? if this is hers, there's a chance that he can get kicked out.
if it's court ordered for supervised, keep it that way, right now his life is in order so he's fine but what happens when he gets stressed out? wait another 6 months then ask for him to get random drug tested before you issue unsupervised visits. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 1:21:11 PM | At the moment he isn't allowed any contact with me and the kids for 2 yrs because of the dvo. nor is he allowed within 20 meters. I want my kids to know their father but still be safe.
They are both on the lease for the house. His girlfriend was engaged when they got together and had that mans child calling her mummy so i assume she is good with kids. I just dont trsut anyone with my kids. They are wither with me or other family members, they are all i have and i cant lose them.
What im worried about is if i can trust him, i know you all dont know him but any advice is more then welcome.
Carly | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 2:29:17 PM | I was thinking that perhaps grandparents could come into play here, possibly the children could be dropped off at his parents place for a few hours and then take it one step at a time. Also you stated that his new girlfriend was good with children maybe you can chat to her before hand and that may alleviate some of your concerns.
I went through a very similar process and it's turned out fine, I'm aware that every situation is different but if he's reaching out to retain contact with his children he can't be 100% bad. Good luck , hope it goes well for all concerned. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 2:53:59 PM | If he is off of the drugs, then he should get visitation with his kids. He is, afterall, their father -- the man you chose to have the kids with. Surely he was on drugs while you were together (were you too??).
You say he has a bed and a cot. For two children under 3 years old, he should have 2 cribs for their safety. Check the toys for the "Made in China" label too.  | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 3:08:57 PM | Carly,
I'm a huge advocate of keeping the dads in the loop; but, you mention that the courts said he has to stay 20 meters away for at least two years.
Despite what your heart and/or head may tell you -- abide by the courts directive. If their dad still is trying to make a safe place for the kids when that time is up then evaluate the situation.
But, do not, do not, go against the courts wishes just because he is trying. If he wants to continue establishing a safe place for the kids let him initiate a court revisit of the circumstances. You dont have to be confrontational and can actually support his effort to do this - but, don't encourage it or initiate it either.
If he's going to step up to the plate he needs to do it with his own prompting. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 3:30:34 PM | | He wasn't on drug until 10 months ago and i dont do drugs, im against them and i also have aheart condition so it is very dangerous to do so. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:02:44 PM | | Your kids are kind of young to go overnight-I would check with the Doctor first and perhaps have her see the kids and you together..what does the lawyer say you should do? I would say that day visits perhaps a few hours to start at gradual timing..My youngest was 5 when I had to start sending her to other side of Canada by plane-it was horrible. When she was younger (under 2.5 yrs)she'd come home with a raw bum-he did not clean her diapers properly. The kids didn't eat good..The lawyer wasn't good-I felt that he should have had more ability to deal with this situation..I know how you feel. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:08:33 PM | | I would tend to agree with this safer and wise suggestion/dreamman sounded fair also but if there are court docs now-just wait till that is over with..Time will tell-maybe it will work out -pray it does. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:52:32 PM | I remember when I finally "came out" on my home situation with my doctor. He told me then that less than 3% of abusers are able to change their behaviors without serious intervention that takes place over several years.
This isn't a habit, nor a behavior that is easy to break. It's very deep rooted and very dangerous.
Many many women have been hurt, killed or endangered by ex's who have supposedly been reformed.
I would follow your court docs until such time as he has proven (more than six months) that he is committed to change and that he is continuing with therapy etc.
As for letting my kids overnight there, I wouldn't begin to let them when he has a new girlfriend. Domestic situations often involve the next partner even more .. Would you want your kids to witness him abusing her?
OE: You split seven months ago and already he has a live in girlfriend of six months.. wow a whole month to address his abuse issues and drug issues before jumping into a new relationship... ???... I think he hasn't addressed his issues just found someone new. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:09:59 PM | | reformed or not .. how about a transition period .. where he gradually eases from a supervised visitation schedule to a supervied visitation in the home for a few hours .. to suprevised visitations overnight at his place to supervised overnights where he has the kids unsupervised for a couple hours?? why does it have to happen overnight from supervised visits to unsupervised overnight visitations? .. wouldn't that truely be in the best interest of you, him and the children? Six months of soberity isn't the be all end all ... it took him years to fall into this habits .. he can't change them overnight! | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:39:10 PM | i'm completely amazed that such a small percentage of the people here are encouraging you to go against the courts advice.
please don't listen to them. you could even have your parental rights taken into question if the courts find out you are violating the no contact rule. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:05:08 PM | I worked for Drug and Alcohol services for Mental Health here in Australia and 2 yrs without review is fair amount of time without a custodial sentence .
Is there more to this situation. ? | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:25:30 PM | There is nothing in place concerning cusody as of yet as my lawyer adviced to wait for him... if he ever does.
This was a domestic violence order that is in place for 2 yrs... no contact, good behaviour, no violence, and staying 20 meters away from where i live. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/21/2007 3:36:05 AM |
This was a domestic violence order that is in place for 2 yrs... no contact, good behaviour, no violence, and staying 20 meters away from where i live
Then void my last comment and this is what should be followed (had not mentioned the restraining order yet). Remember that if you throw this out the window and you have an issue with him in the future, the courts are not going to be as willing to protect you. Obviously the judge thought that this man needed a longer length of time to work on his demons. Stick to it. IF he wants to change it, here in the states a custody order can determine what those changes are again under the watchful eye of the law. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/21/2007 4:20:26 PM |
This was a domestic violence order that is in place for 2 yrs... no contact, good behaviour, no violence, and staying 20 meters away from where i live.
sorry carly.... but having been thru the DVO process with my ex myself (ended july 2006)... i find that a judge ruling of no contact with the kids for 2 years is a little strange.....
in mine i also got a 2 year order... but in there it states that the father is to have phone contact and visitation with the child as agreed in consent order.
we went back to mediation after the DVO was granted... but seeing as my ex wasnt overly physically violent but more so verbally abusive and drugs werent involved....there was no need for him to do a drug test once a month... but he did have to complete a anger management course.... he also had 6 months to complete that and a parenting course as well as supervised visits at a contact centre for 4 months then moved onto drop off and picks up from that same centre for 2 months... at the 6month period we should have gone back and gotten it reviewed again...reasons as to why that order never happened too long of a story.
i also dont understand why the judge ordered a 20mtr safety zone for you..... mine was 100mtr from any place i stay, work or go to.
if you have made contact with him with these orders in place and no consent order in place you have now made that DVO order invalid as your the one that has breached the orders without consulting a lawyer or police officer.... if he is the one contacting you you need to either make a formal or informal report to the police.... but seeing as there can be proven as a 2 way street in breaching the order is over and done with.... thrown in the trash and out the window.
honestly.... why hasnt mediation been taken up its been what 8months?... your ex can have the kids for one night and not give them back as that is his legal right... you have no grounds or legally documented order in the eyes of the family court that says you have full residency of the kids....so trying to get a recovery order to get them back will be hard and well it will end up having to go thru mediation.
so my advice to you.... get a consent order ASAP they are slow now if you are going to go thru legal aide but ya better be quick coz they close down for 2 weeks over the break.... with there being a DVO against him you do not have to be in the same room as him... with the DVO against him you have more grounds to stand by and get more rulings for the consent order with the child representative... ie monthly drug tests for the period of the DVO.... supervised visits for a period of so many months , counselling and parenting courses ( but you also have to be willing to do it yourself)....
my ex in an ass hole... he is never gonna change the way he thinks or his behaviour (even when he says he has changed i can see he hasnt)... at least with yours you can get proof that he is at least off the drugs... change in mental health well that can take years if it changes at all.... but just coz he is "abusive" towards you doesnt mean he doesnt love his kids and will treat them the same way..... and you should also be very grateful that his gf is so accepting of the kids... she could have been a real b!tch and not want him to have anything to do with them... like my exs recent ex gf.... maybe it is this new gf that is making him want to be apart of the kids life and is encouraging him to do so......
thank your lucky stars that your ex is wanting to be a parent to ya kids.... alot of us out here have been doing it on own for a lengthy time with either no other parent involved or the fly by when i wanna see them parent.... | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/21/2007 4:25:52 PM | The order is in the kids names too because of issues that i dont want to go into here.
I tried get him to come to mediation but he didn't want it and his girlfriend decided it was best for him not to... she is pushing him to see the kids. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/21/2007 4:40:39 PM | the kids names shouldnt have been put on the DVO if you were wanting him to be have some sort of involvement with them there should have been a clause instead that allows him to have involvement as agreed in consent order.... but seeing as he has been involved after the order has been put into place then the order is now invalid...if his acts were so horrible has he been arrested and charged for what he has done?
although im a little confused.... he doesnt want mediation... the gf said its best he doesnt but she is pushing him to see the kids?.... that doesnt make sense at all.... if the gf is pushing him to see the kids then she should be encouraging him to take up the mediation so that he can see the kids....if she was a decent person and i was in your shoes i would sit down with her and have a little civil conversation as to why it would be better for all involved that mediation is to take place.
apply for mediation again.... he can only knock it back 3 times then you can order it to go to court and have it done infront of a judge. | |
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| Reformed dad? Is he?
Posted: 11/21/2007 5:07:20 PM | At the time of the dvo i wasn't wanting him near the kids because of the situation that led to the dvo. i now see that he has a right to be daddy and that the kids need him in their lifes.
Im going to speak with my lawyer today and see what he says, and follow that advice. As i dont want to do anything that may harm the children in anyway.
Thankyou all for your imput.
CArly | |
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