|
|
|
|
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 3:44:43 AM | Article follows:
If there's such a thing as a congenital smart aleck, Rachel Mosteller is it. The 27-year-old Houston journalist has been ready with a well-timed barb since her elementary-school years. "I made my first quip when I was about 10. My parents were getting divorced right around my birthday, and I said, 'Well, isn't that a great present,'" she recalls. "That made my mom pretty mad."
Mosteller has continued to hone her sensibility ever since. "I tend to use it when I think people are taking themselves too seriously," she says.
Certified wisecrackers may see their snarky remarks as clever diversions, but because the distinction between a joke and an insult can be nebulous, they can easily damage relationships and careers with their one-liners. Frustrated by her company's practice of feting model employees with Hallmark-style gifts, Mosteller posted a send-up of the policy on her blog, The Sarcastic Journalist, in 2005. "You go and do something spectacular (most likely, you're doing your JOB) and someone says, 'Why golly, that was spectacular.' Then they bring you chocolate and some balloons," she wrote. Though she never disclosed her real name or the company's, higher-ups got wind of the post and she was promptly fired.
So why do wisecrackers keep their bons mots coming at the risk of alienating others? Though they may not be aware of it, sarcasm is their means of indirectly expressing aggression toward others and insecurity about themselves. Wrapping their thoughts in a joke shields them from the vulnerability that comes with directly putting one's opinions out there. "Sarcastic people protect themselves by only letting the world see a superficial part of who they are," says Steven Stosny, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist and anger specialist. "They're very into impression management."
Because humor and hostility often come mixed together, it can be difficult to pinpoint a wisecracker's primary intent. "Sometimes sarcasm is humor—purely a Don Rickles kind of joking—and sometimes it's just innocently insensitive," Stosny says. "But other times, it's devaluing." Everyone benefits from a wisecracker's comic relief, but if you are the target of regular swipes, it's best to assertively call the joker out. His hilariousness doesn't give him the right to belittle you.
Genesis of the Jibe
"Just blurting out an insult is pedestrian at best," says Vacheh Joakim, an IT specialist in Los Angeles who prides himself on his sardonic wit. "But a sarcastic jab that can masquerade as a compliment is much more enjoyable, and it also gives the person being sarcastic a sense of superiority." Though Stosny and others theorize that such verbal jujitsu is rooted in insecurity, wisecrackers themselves, predictably enough, tend to admit feelings of inadequacy only indirectly. Joakim, for example, acknowledges the possibility of using sarcasm to compensate for shortcomings, but sidesteps a personal revelation: "Sarcasm doesn't help satisfy a Napoleon complex, but it does give you a little ego boost."
Albert Katz, a cognitive psychologist at the University of Western Ontario , has recently looked at the wisecrackers' focus on one-upsmanship from a biological perspective, showing that people whose brains are best equipped to understand sarcasm tend to have aggressive personalities. Subjects who scored high on aggression tests showed different patterns of brain activity in response to sarcasm than those who did not. The differences suggest that the aggressive subjects were processing nonliteral meaning more quickly. "Sarcasm is definitely a dominance thing—it's related to being top dog," Katz says, both for initiators of sarcastic banter and those who catch on and offer a retort.
A knack for sarcasm isn't necessarily linked to intelligence, says Simone Shamay-Tsoory, a neurologist at the University of Haifa in Israel. Some highly intelligent people who have autism or Asperger's syndrome, for example, may fail to understand jokes and sarcasm. But her research has shown that people who are particularly good at detecting sarcasm also tend to be better at identifying emotional facial expressions. They seem to understand social situations better overall, she says.
Such superior social intelligence may be behind Joakim's conclusion that those who can hang with sarcasm are always the most interesting conversation partners at a party.
Sarcasm's Slippery Slope
Everyone wants a witty partner, but sarcasm can sabotage relationships. Psychologist John Gottman has found that if partners display contempt toward each other—which commonly includes making sarcastic remarks—their odds of divorce rise dramatically. "People who use sarcasm don't see themselves as being hurtful, they see themselves as being funny," Katz says. "But recipients tend to interpret their remarks as hurtful."
"People are constantly getting mad at me," Mosteller says. "One time, this other mother was talking about how her kid's illness was being transmitted to the rest of the family. I said, 'Well, that's why I refuse to give my kids any kind of physical affection when they're sick. I just lock them in a room.' She thought I was serious and gave me this look. I thought, 'There goes a potential playdate.'"
Still, with a little discretion, a sarcastic bent can be channeled in positive directions—standard-bearers include Stephen Colbert and the creators of The Simpsons. Over the past two years, Mosteller has bounced back from her firing and carved out a freelance niche for her writing. Though she has trouble finding friends who appreciate her facetious approach to life, her family is more attuned to her wavelength than they used to be. "When I told them I was doing this article, one of them deadpanned, 'Great. Make us proud.'"
When to Take The Edge Off
Yes, you're sharp. But are you cutting too deep? Here's how to ensure people don't take what you say the wrong way.
Know your audience.
People have as wide a range of tolerance for sarcasm as they do for liquor. "If the person at the receiving end of sarcasm knows it's meant as a joke, the reaction may be more positive," Joakim says. "But I try not to be sarcastic with total strangers. That's usually not pretty."
Scan before you send.
It's best to avoid snarkiness in e-mails and text messages. Sarcasm is highly dependent on tone, while people tend to take typed notes more literally. As silly as those smiley-face emoticons are, use one if there is any possibility that your message could be misinterpreted.
Examine your motivations.
Some people resort to over-the-top sarcasm in an attempt to shore up their own self-image. Consider whether you yourself harbor feelings of inadequacy. Once you feel comfortable with who you are, you won't need to hide behind a veil of sarcasm.
Err on the side of caution.
If you're unsure how the target of your statement will respond, it's best not to unleash sarcasm at all, as Mosteller has learned. "If I'm around my husband's boss, I hold my tongue," she says. "I know that once I open my mouth, things are just going to keep coming." | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 3:44:54 AM | Given how much more literate the crowds are here in POF I thought I share this article with the bunch of you. I do expect some interesting comments and banter... :)
I for one have to agree with a lot of the points made in here, how sarcasm is a tool for latent aggression and deep resounding insecurity. But at the same time it also demonstrates how sarcasm can be put into good use.. (parties, if meant as a compliment, etc). | |
|
| |
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:40:59 AM | | Great article, Baber! Thank you so much for posting it - I'm going to copy it and forward it to a few friends. So many truths here! When I have more time I'll come back and comment further. | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:47:39 AM | [...sarcasm is a tool for latent aggression and deep resounding insecurity.
....at the same time...sarcasm can be put into good use.. ]
Amen! Very well said, my friend. I can appreciate irony as well as the next person, but not in the form of emotional abuse........ | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:57:45 AM | Interesting article. Don't know if I would agree with all of it though.
I find myself being sarcastic sometimes, a lot of the time for humour, even at my own expense (better myself than someone else do it). Certainly don't think I'm an aggressive person though. And that's the problem with studies like these, is that they're very generic or broad-based. They can't clearly take into account all 6 billion or so people on this planet.
Err on the side of caution.
If you're unsure how the target of your statement will respond, it's best not to unleash sarcasm at all, as Mosteller has learned.
While I would agree with this in practice, in theory I do not. A friend of mine use to always say that I confuse them. That is until, I realised & pointed out to them that I do not have control of their logic, so there was no way I could possibly be confusing them (they were allowing themselves to be confused). And so there are people out there who will be offended no matter what or how some things are said. We ought not to live our lives constantly worrying about what or how others may take something that comes out of your mouth. | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:02:26 AM | The article makes valid points. I can be quite scar-castic, and I've learned to read my audience closely... some don't find it fun, and those I don't play with.
My guy is hilarious; makes obsevations and connections that have me rolling on the floor. It is wonderful; we're on the same page, and set each other up all the time. It is a delight having someone so in sync to play with... and not once have we crossed the line with each other. The zingers have been fun and funny, not hurtful.
It can be all too easy to "go for the joke" and accidentally hurt someone's feelings - especially in vulnerable moments. I think you also can do some real damage when there's underlying tension between you and the other or if you are playing in one of their "sensitive spots"... then the sarcasm isn't funny, it is more aggressive. Actually, it is really passive-aggressive behaviour... your anger and negativity is bleeding off, but you're not owning up to it because it is "just kidding" or "just a joke". | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:09:11 AM | | Sarcasm is great... It fuels an already passionate relationship... if the other person can't roll with the punches and give it right back, then maybe they are with the wrong person... I don't know about you folks, but I intend on finding someone that is fun to grow old with... | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 6:50:40 AM | Good points, OP. Sarcasm is a triple-edged sword. It can be used for humour, or for insult, or for degradation. I agree in this philosophy of when to apply it:
When to Take The Edge Off:
1) Know your audience.
2) Scan before you send.
3) Examine your motivations.
4) Err on the side of caution. I have many friends who are sarcastic, and I never take offence, because they are careful to check when they draw the line. Their goals are to use a litlle creativity and wit, to show a little insight to the other person in their humour, and to make the other person laugh.
I find that most people who are offensively sarcastic, are almost always intentional in their aims. They desire to get a rise out of the other person, more than anything else. The goal is their own amusement, irrespective of the cost.
I find that one only needs to ask one question, when being humorously insulting:
Are you trying to make the insulted person laugh, or are you trying to make yourself and everyone BUT the insulted person laugh, at him/her?
Those who are trying to make the insulted person laugh, always put it in a way that allows them an exit strategy.
Those who are trying to make everyone else laugh, don't want to allow for an exit strategy, for the joke is humiliation, not humour.
That is why those who use sarcasm in relationships, either never have a problem, because they never hurt the insulted, or turn out to be abusive, because that is their intent.
How people use it, tells you right away how they want that relationship to unfold. It's useful, because it gives you warning signs, way before the abuse ever happens. | |
|
| |
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:06:35 AM | A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $500?!" | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:32:42 AM | This article is great. I don't know if all sarcastic people are aggressive but I do know that anyone who uses sarcasm around anyone but close family and friends, is at the very least inconsiderate and thoughtless. It's a defense mechanism, and likely, because the people who use it do happen to be rather defensive, this will be a really hot topic. Sarcasm is not humor and by it's very definition, is designed to hurt! It's really pretty ugly and I know few nice or truly happy people who use it regularly (think my profile even says that!) It literally means to cut, or to rip (as in flesh!), a very ugly origin and likely so to adequately describe it. Irony is more likely to be humorous as it is more a feigned ignorance or even a deliberate, but not malicious, attempt to give an opposite impression or meaning to something, or simply an observation that such is the case.
btw, Alannis Morissette's "irony" was actually "misfortune". Should have been "Isn't it unfortunate" instead of "isn't it ironic" but I guess that didn't sound as good. | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:55:52 AM | Sarcasm is not humor and by it's very definition, is designed to hurt! It's really pretty ugly and I know few nice or truly happy people who use it regularly (think my profile even says that!) It literally means to cut, or to rip (as in flesh!), a very ugly origin and likely so to adequately describe it.
Exactly!
Very few people bother to learn what the word really means. Sarcasm is cruel. Sarcasm is the deliberate attempt to wound another person. Sarcastic people are not nice people. | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:08:17 AM | Interesting article OP. I can offer anectodal evidence to back this up.
Earlier this year I visited an old university friend, who was famous (or infamous) for never letting an opportunity for making a smart-azz quip pass her by. Mostly this was a source of amusement, but it could get pretty tiresome. She's married a few years now, and told me that she's stopped doing this with her husband now as he didn't like it.
The way she put it was; back in the day, if he was just a boyfriend, she'd just keep on going with the wise-cracks and kick him to the curb as a loser. But now that it was potentially damaging her relationship within a marriage, she made the effort to change.
Another case; I was round some aquaintances for a dinner evening the other day, and this married couple kept making the odd quip at each other - you know, kind of chipping away at each other. I could tell that some of the quips were hitting home and one was finding things the other said offensive and a little embarrasing, but were trying to laugh it off, or fire back with a quip of their own. I tell you, I found it deeply sad, not funny at all, and it was embarrasing for the other guests too.
IMO, this kind of smart-ass sarcasm is something best grown out of in your late teens. I was one of the worlds most sarcastic teens, and oh-so proud of myself, I can tell you. Got me beaten up by my brother a few times - but I knew I was being sooooooooooo clever it was worth it! Geez, I'm glad I grew up. | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:16:02 AM | you know, I would love to jump in on this discussion
but these well thought out , thought provoking post just dont do it
for me.
curlygrl~ | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:31:22 AM |
btw, Alannis Morissette's "irony" was actually "misfortune". Should have been "Isn't it unfortunate" instead of "isn't it ironic" but I guess that didn't sound as good.
Nice post Talltexan, but I'll beg to differ with you there:
"He won the lottery, and died the next day...isn't it ironic"
Now, sure, that is also unfortunate - but it would be simple misfortune if it happened to anyone. Him winning the lottery the day before, and presumably about to go on a hellacious spending-spree; now to my mind that's ironic in this sense (see Wikipedia's reference for more - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony)
...an aesthetic evaluation by an audience, which relies on a sharp discordance between the real and the ideal | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:46:50 AM | | I think the article does a good job showing how it takes the humorless several pages and days of work to reply to a simple observation about themselves that left them seething with the urge to rebut. | |
|
| |
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:59:15 AM | > these well thought out , thought provoking post just dont do it
Good one. I find them troublesome as well. There's a huge difference between existential sarcasm and personal attacks, though the distinction is lost on many.
There's a common saying... everything tends to look like a nail to someone holding a hammer.
So let's look at the pathologization of what is an everyday thing just by looking at all the big bad negative jargon used in the OP piece:
wisecrackers
snarky (twice)
insult
alienating
aggression (twice)
insecurity (twice)
vulnerability
hostility
insensitive
devaluing
belittle
jibe
verbal jujitsu
feelings of inadequacy (twice)
compensate
shortcomings
ego boost
shore up
one-upsmanship
dominance
top dog
sabotage
contempt
hurtful
facetious
cutting
not pretty
misinterpreted
hide behind a veil
One could construct a very biting piece of sarcasm simply by reassembling those words into a confutation to those who have the annoying habit of psychologizing the commonplace and are obviously needing to shore up their wimpy egos by going on a dominance trip of one-upsmanship, yadda, yadda... and I would actually take the time to do so if I was being adequately compensated for providing such a valuable public service.
`Nuf said. | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:09:05 AM |
One could construct a very biting piece of sarcasm simply by reassembling those words into a confutation to those who have the annoying habit of psychologizing the commonplace and are obviously needing to shore up their wimpy egos by going on a dominance trip of one-upsmanship, yadda, yadda... and I would actually take the time to do so if I was being adequately compensated for providing such a valuable public service.
I wonder if anyone else enjoys the irony of sarcastic smart-azzes posting smart-azz comments on a thread about sarcastic smart-azzes being a pain in the azz? | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:27:30 AM | | Anyone might, but I am not anyone and it is lost on me. Sarcasm sucks, irony rules. Why laugh at someone directly when you can get them to laugh at themselves by laughing at you? | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/21/2007 2:06:09 AM | Mmmm I read someone's post above about how we shouldn't CARE about what others think in regards to what we say.. (sarcastic or not). Although I do agree with that statement I think people can still see the fallacy in that.
Naturally it's good to be who you are, no matter if you are sarcastic (with whatever latent issues lingering behind the comments) or not - but at the same time I still you DO have to care a bit about the people around you. Maybe not a whole lot, since it'll naturally prevent you from being who you love being, but per haps just a little. Especially if you're concerned about your reputation in the environment in which you are in (business, social, etc.).
But then again like minded people tend to stick with the like minded. Apples with apples, oranges and oranges.... whatever tickles your fancy I suppose. Some people don't like sarcastic humor, others absolutely adore it..
In every social group you are bound to make a few friends because, along with a few enemies, a few people that wouldn't care at all, and heck even a few admirers."
Let the soul express itself and rejoice!
 | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/21/2007 2:11:29 AM | "Those who are trying to make everyone else laugh, don't want to allow for an exit strategy, for the joke is humiliation, not humour. "
VERY NICELY SAID!
Exactly the response I was searching for when I made this forum.
I personaly have found sarcastic people to be quite annoying and cumbersome, edging on the line ridicule and harassment.
I suppose I just haven't been around the friendly sarcastic types much.
 | |
|
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/21/2007 2:54:17 AM | So why do wisecrackers keep their bons mots coming at the risk of alienating others? Though they may not be aware of it, sarcasm is their means of indirectly expressing aggression toward others and insecurity about themselves. Wrapping their thoughts in a joke shields them from the vulnerability that comes with directly putting one's opinions out there. "Sarcastic people protect themselves by only letting the world see a superficial part of who they are," says Steven Stosny, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist and anger specialist. "They're very into impression management."
I noticed the above allot in a few jobs I've had. Impression Management. One company that I worked for really stood out when I read this piece.
I worked in an corporate job once, later laid off... Enron, etc. (No it wasn't Enron) The majority of the top leaders of the company had this same type of personalities as mentioned above. These people clicked together, highly educated but lacking what seem emotion for the middle man, for those below them in the corporate ladder. They had many common interests, which I found interesting, lol... They clicked with each other profoundly. Anybody that was beneath in title, or rank didn't want to be caught up with them in a board meeting gatherings. It's strange how many people can get away with this and how tricky they where. It's a form of hate and arrogance mixed in that was my observation. Hurtful and unrelenting characters. Needless to say after awhile they coudn't save the company because their top educated decisions help create the company downfall. I didn't find any thing funny about their scarcasm in the least. The strangest part to this was they thought no body had them figured out, because they thought they were outsmarting the lessor ones below them in corporate ladder who didn't have the job titles or the degrees. I think Karma is at play here, 
If you weren't with them, you were against them was their motto.
Anyhow, that was just my experience, doesn't mean that it happens like that all the time.
Got to run, have a great day everybody.
Hope you all have a nice Thanksgiving!
Chela | |
|
JWA
|
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 25 | |
| Sarcasm is Damaging to Relationships
Posted: 11/21/2007 3:27:19 AM |
you know, I would love to jump in on this discussion
but these well thought out , thought provoking post just dont do it
for me.
And yet the posts here so far are exactly the same type usually contributed by you! LOL
There's a huge difference between existential sarcasm and personal attacks, though the distinction is lost on many.
Is it still a lost distinction when something is merely perceived differently than intended?
We ought not to live our lives constantly worrying about what or how others may take something that comes out of your mouth.
Actually IF more of us “worried” how others take our comments we’d have a two fold improvement socially:
1) People would THINK before speaking more often.............
2) Far less misunderstandings between people due mainly to better thought out and expressed communications.
Thinking we can or should or ought live without being concern how others perceive something we say is not only arrogant but so stupid because it seems to remove any responsibility from a “speaker” for their thoughts expressed to others. Too many comments are made with one intention are received quite differently due almost exclusively to the vast differences we have in our individual communication “styles”. Word usage, tone of voice or inflections and myriad other factors control how our ideas are perceived. Speaking to or writing for your intended audience is paramount to being understood by that audience. Saying we should have to worry about this alone is troubling---I want to be perfectly understood every time I say or write something. While I don’t even closely approach that ratio I still strive for it simply by being concerned with what comes out of my mouth! | |
|
|
| Page 1 of 5
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
|
Home
login 
