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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:18:33 AM | I have been thinking about what I can do, as a part-time teacher in a college, to address cases of bullying where direct intervention would be unhelpful or impossible due to lack of evidence. The institution is well-meaning but disorganised and ineffectual in most areas, this would be no exception and so, whilst I have informed my line-managers, they are kind of out-of touch and I want to do the most I can myself, to help.
I was bullied a lot, but no-one helped so I'd be grateful to hear from someone who was helped -- what worked and what didn't: did anything actually made it less bad? A lot of attempts at help, especially that which takes a confrontational approach, makes bullying worse and disempowers the target.
So far I have the following strategies and I'd be grateful to hear other ideas or to have the flaws of my current ones pointed out. I really want to help and I really do not want to make things worse.
1) get the kids to study and discuss bullying as part of their assessed work, asking them to identify what it means to bully, why people bully and what to do if it happens to them
2) talk to those whom I see as being potential victims and make a special effort to build up their confidence and to help them identify why the bullies are behaving as they are (saying "insecurity" is not enough, saying "he's calling you "ginger" not because there is anything wrong with red hair, but because he knows he can make you feel insecure about it because no-one else has red hair, here" seems more helpful)
3) talk to those whom I see as being potential bullies and praise their positive behaviour and try to get them to see that being kind to others is something that brings them more positive status: if bullying is the result of insecurity then they need to find new ways to build up feelings of security
4) tackle behaviour rather than individuals and get them to question their own behaviour and come up with better alternatives, rather than telling them they are bad
5) talk to all the members of the group about "what would you do if someone was being bullied" and get them to associate helping with feeling good about themselves: I think the right thing is initially for them to befriend the target, rather than confront the bullies, which could make things worse
6) ensure that the students know they can talk to me and that unless any illegal activity is involved I will not take any action without their permission
Sorry this is a bit long to read. At least one of my students is suffering and I want to fix it but I know how complicated it is. I would love to hear of ways to help. I am feeling all torn up at the thought that my students are feeling anything like I did when I was at school. Can one teacher make a difference? What more can I do? | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:01:59 AM | You have to remove the bully and his little gang of hangers on. By making an example of one, you send a clear message to the others. I've had to do this...it works.
Remember...bullies are cowards at heart, and when confronted while alone are very vulnerable.
They do not understand why they should not bully...they do understand that they can be bullied themselves for their own misdeeds. This is a powerful tool to use.
Attempting to talk them out of it is like trying to explain to a rattlesnake why it should not bite and poison prey...it doesn't work...so use methods that DO work.
Usually permanent expulsion is a good tool. Remove the leader, the rest fall in line, especially when it is explined to them what is going to happen and its subsequent consequences.
The victim is just that...a victim. They need to be coached to ignore bullys, and to report them when bullying occurs. They also need to be coached to excell in areas that the bully is trying to keep them from succeeding in. Whether it be work, class assignments, sports, whatever.
If it is a thing about hair colour...point out to the victim the number of people who have the same colour and how it was a positive in their lives. Lucielle Ball was not a redhead...but it became almost a trademark for her!
Never "praise" a bully about their positive points...they have none. Their own behaviour overshadows any goodness in them, and until they can beat that themselves, they are nothing. You can point out that they are "good: in some areas, but never let them forget that their behaviour overshadows those areas all the time. Nobody is going to remember the "star" football player...they will remember the bully. Make sure they understand that these type of complaints are going on their record and WILL affect any chances of a scholarship....they won't be getting a good report from you to recruiters. This appeals to their own self-interest...a far better thing than pleading with them to leave the weaker people alone.
There is no use appealing to their "better nature"...they may not have one. Self interest is a far more likely method to modify their behaviour.
Do not "befriend" victims. They have to learn to stand on their own, not to search out a power figure to hide behind. This does not mean don't help...it does mean positive reinforcment. Get them to take self-defence courses. An introductory psychology course can do wonders. Encourage them to try new things, from something on the menu at a restaurant to skydiving. This empowers a victim to get on with their lives...they need not hold back or be afraid to actually go out and live.
You want a discussion group? Great....separate the two into two groups...victims and bullys. Tell the bullies exactly what is going to happen to them if any incidents occur. Tell the "victim" group that they must report anything that happens. Then keep to it.
Bullies always quit when their own self-interest is at stake. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:03:47 AM | | If you were teaching elementary school then there are a lot of suggestions that could be made, but you say you are teaching college kids and by that time there is not a whole lot you can do. If one of your students is suffering because of a bully, then chances are good he/she has been going through this for their entire schooling life and if they have not conquered it by college, then chances are they won't. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:08:56 AM | Did you hear about poor Megan Meier who was bullied on-line by her former friend's PARENTS? Megan committed suicide. Bullying has become very very dangerous. I guess you're never too old to be a bully.
Parents: Cyber Bullying Led to Teen's Suicide
Megan Meier's Parents Now Want Measures to Protect Children Online
Nov. 19, 2007 —
The parents of a 13-year-old girl who believe their daughter's October 2006 suicide was the result of a cruel cyber hoax are pushing for measures to protect other children online.
Tina and Ron Meier, who are now separated and plan to divorce, have taken up the cause of Internet safety after a bizarre twist in their daughter Megan Meier's death.
The mother of a former friend of Megan's allegedly created a fictitious profile in order to gain Megan's trust and learn what Megan was saying about her daughter. But the communication eventually turned hostile.
"There needs to be some sort of regulations out there to protect children. Parents can only be in so many places and so many times," Tina Meier said on "Good Morning America Weekend Edition" Sunday. "I wish there were regulations with these forums. There's got to be something."
The Meiers said they are unsure why someone would do such a thing.
"We don't know. How do you get in the mind of somebody? We just have no idea," Tina Meier said.
While the Meiers do not believe it was the woman's intent to have Megan commit suicide, they do hold her solely responsible for the death.
"I believe they are the ones who took her to the edge of the cliff and forced her to go over," Ron Meier said on "GMA." "Everything that we found out so far -- it was the sole idea of the mother."
He added that he did not believe the mother was acting on her daughter's behalf.
The Back Story
Megan Meier sometimes suffered from low self-esteem and was on medication at the time of her death. But her family said she looked forward to her 14th birthday and having her braces removed.
When a cute boy befriended Megan on the social networking site MySpace, the two formed a quick connection during their more than month-long relationship.
"She got this e-mail from this boy named Josh Evans," Tina Meier said.
Evans claimed to be a 16-year-old boy who lived nearby and was home schooled. But what began as a promising online friendship soon turned sour, as compliments turned to insults.
Evans said he didn't have a phone and so Megan couldn't talk to him. But the two continued their communication online, despite some red flags Tina Meier said she saw.
"It was just that nervous mom," Tina Meier said. She called police to find out if they could determine if a MySpace account was real. They couldn't.
Still, all seemed to go well between Megan and Josh until an unsettling message started a tragic chain of events.
"Megan gets an e-mail, or a message from Josh on her MySpace on Oct. 15, 2006, saying, 'I don't know if I want to be friends with you any longer because I hear you're not nice to your friends,'" Tina Meier said.
Someone using Josh's account was sending cruel messages and Megan called her mother, saying electronic bulletins were being posted about her, saying things like, "Megan Meier is a slut. Megan Meier is fat," according to the Associated Press.
The cyber exchange devastated Megan, who was unable to understand how and why her friendship unraveled. The stress and frustration was too much for Megan, who had a history of depression.
Tina Meier discovered her daughter's body in a bedroom closet on Oct. 16, 2006. Megan had hanged herself and died a day later.
But six weeks after Megan's death, the Meiers learned Josh Evans never existed. A mother, who had learned of the page from her own daughter, told the Meiers a neighborhood mom had created and monitored Evans' profile and page.
There was a connection between the Meiers and the family with the mother accused of running Evans' profile. In fact, the woman who created the profile had asked the Meiers if her family could store their foosball table.
Once they learned of the family's involvement, the Meiers destroyed the table, placed it in the woman's yard and encouraged the family to move, according to the AP.
"That's the biggest tragedy of this whole thing: An adult did it," Ron Meier said.
While the woman who created the fake profile has not been charged with a crime, residents have proposed a new ordinance related to child endangerment and Internet harassment. It could come before city leaders on Wednesday, according to the AP.
Cyber Bullying Common Among Teens
In the information age, playground poundings have moved to online chat rooms and instant messages. Nearly half of all teenagers report they have been the victim of cyber attacks. Everything from text messaging to e-mail can be used to bully victims. Some people even create Web sites solely dedicated to harassment.
It may be difficult for a well-meaning child to initially tell the difference between friend and foe online.
"When emotionally vulnerable young people get online, they can be very easily manipulated," said Nancy Willard, executive director of the Center for Safe and Responsible Internet Use.
Ron Meier said parents should be mindful of their children's online activities and relationships.
"Be as watchful as you can be," he said.
Copyright © 2007 ABC News Internet Ventures | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:31:32 AM |
Remember...bullies are cowards at heart, and when confronted while alone are very vulnerable. But if bullying occurs because of their own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy (this is the view stated by all the sources I have found) won't making them feel more insecure mean that they seek to address that in the way they always have -- by bullying more? Also, won't threatening the bullies simply strengthen their belief that bullying is okay, so long as you've got more power? I think that intimidating them into inaction is firstly impossible: I see the students only for a couple of hours a week and it is much easier for them to threaten me than vice versa.
If bullying is a coping mechanism I don't see how one can expect a person to stop bullying unless you help them find another coping mechanism, give them another and less damaging way to deal with the feelings they have..? Another factor is that the "bullies" tend to be the majority, who are just amusing themselves at the expense of one person, rather than your stereotypical tough-guy-demanding lunch money thing. A lot of it seems to be that they are just insensitive and unaware that they are hurting anyone. All of them have a better nature, so I do believe I can appeal to that, if I am smart enough to understand where they are coming from.
I was not suggesting that I would befriend the victims: I am their teacher and I cannot also be their friend -- I was suggesting that it was the best thing that another student in their peer group might be able to do.
The self-defence course idea is a nice one, but simply not an option for the kind of students I mostly teach who have very little money -- these kids largely don't have home computers or parents that give a damn. I'm encouraging some of them to go for a higher qualification than the other kids, but was unconscious of it being a useful strategy, so thanks for making me aware of it.
Victims cannot stand up for themselves, and it's nothing to do with lack of strength -- everything they say or do is manipulated or undermined. One boy I spoke to today told me how he had stood up for himself: he'd put two other boys in hospital. The bullying has not stopped. The sly psychological stuff does the most damage.
@Scheherrazade
I'm sure it would be easier if they were younger, but I don't think it need be a life sentence. Most kids grow out of being bullies, in my opinion/experience, I guess I'm trying to hasten the process...
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them although I am really hoping to hear about direct experiences rather than theoretical strategies. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:00:07 AM | The best answer to a bully is to corner them and beat the piss out of them. Sorry, but it's the truth. They're going to bully someone one way or the other - at least until they've run out of targets because everyone keeps kicking their ass. Well, ideally.
But that's the way it is, if it isn't you, it's someone else; as Blackadder said "Someone's heading for the chop; it's either me or you. Let's face it, it's you."
After I took one aside and smashed my knee into his face, he didn't bother me for quite some time. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:13:19 AM | "There needs to be some sort of regulations out there to protect children. Parents can only be in so many places and so many times," Tina Meier said on "Good Morning America Weekend Edition" Sunday. "I wish there were regulations with these forums. There's got to be something."
How about regulating your kids, instead of attempting to put regulations on the entire internet community?
Take away the KIDS's computer, and get them to read books, and do something productive. And if they will not read, or do something positive, kick their asses out into the fresh air, and have them frolic outside, like kids were meant to.
If they are not mature enough to understand the pitfalls and dangers of being online, then it is the responsibility of their parents to control them, and not the responsibility of the world wide web, to assure their emotional well being.
As for the original post about COLLEGE kids being bullied. I have a bit of difficulty understanding this.
How do college kids bully?? Do they take the targets milk money, or trip them as they walk by? Throw gum in their hair?
Why doesn't the college simply kick out the trouble makers? At that age, their education is a privilage, and not the law. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:33:12 AM | How do college kids bully?? Do they take the targets milk money, or trip them as they walk by? Throw gum in their hair? Bullying occurs in the workplace too.
"Bullying is persistent unwelcome behaviour, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more. In the workplace, bullying usually focuses on distorted or fabricated allegations of underperformance." From: http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm
Mostly it's psychological: undermining, excluding, belittling, name-calling, ridiculing, ignoring. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:39:30 AM | "But if bullying occurs because of their own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy (this is the view stated by all the sources I have found) won't making them feel more insecure mean that they seek to address that in the way they always have -- by bullying more? Also, won't threatening the bullies simply strengthen their belief that bullying is okay, so long as you've got more power?"
No...they won't bully more. They become "victims" and realise that they do not have the power to victimize anyone without consequences. The ideal behind bullying are twofold. One...to make the bully "feel better about themselves" OR two" force someone to adjust their behaviour through psychological or physical intimidation." Usually physical does nothing but reinforce the psychological message. A beating does nothing...it is the psychological message behind it that counts. The message being "Your behaviour is NOT acceptable...it WILL stop, or YOU will be punished."
"If bullying is a coping mechanism I don't see how one can expect a person to stop bullying unless you help them find another coping mechanism, give them another and less damaging way to deal with the feelings they have..? "
Many schools have coucellors or school psychologists. A mandatory meeting with them can be arranged. That is the first step. A call to the parents to let them know the student is going to get psychological help because of their own attitudes does wonders. "Excuse me...little Johnny is going on the couch because he can't control his own behaviour. The cost is XX dollars per hour, and he WILL be attending at your expense, and if you choose to opt out, he will be forced to find a new school." The fallout from that little conversation alone will make a bully adjust their attitude. If it is a home problem, the bully may be able to realise this and cope with it by asking for help. this can range from having a computer donated to them (with free internet service because they are a student) to having a subsidized apartment for them along with a part time job while they finish their education. (this was an option offered to me, as a victim...but it could well be applied to a bully.)
"The sly psychological stuff does the most damage."
Yes, it does. ever hear the old joke "Be nice to nerds cause they are gonna be your boss when you graduate?" Make it a reality. Put them into a position of power by assigning them to a project that they have to assign to a bully. They get some say in the grading of the paper and are not allowed to help the bully do it. Tell the bully their paper will have a large impact on their grade in the course, and failure, in this case, IS an option...though it will reflect badly on their overall grades for the year. See who is left dangling on a string then.....hehehe. Papers can be on anything, but, but self-enlightenment, they can discover for themselves why they bully, the root causes of it, and help themselves. Force them to study themselves. Have them write about changes that can be made to further threir own goals without bullying.
This whole exercise can be mandated by any school, and a grade awarded for it.
Enforced dress codes. Most schools that have this have fewer incidents of bullying. It brings people to a common denominator...nobody dressed "better" nobody worse. The same. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:39:31 AM | For adults, lots of offensive behavior is illegal, so you can go the route of making sure students understand the rules.
The idea of winning the battle but losing the war is a good one to get bullies to wake up and smell the coffee. They are trading short-term supremacy for long-term subordination. By their bullying of others they alienate themselves. It is anti-social behavior, leads to prison eventually. Be a jerk today, pay for it in spades for years to come. And they miss out now on the better part of relationships: acceptance, love, fun.
The medical model for anti-social behavior is beyond the scope of a teacher's influence. Isn't the priority to safeguard the well-being of normal students? If so, then identification and referral of a bully to authorities, and hopefully, to remedial psychiatric intervention, would be nice. Or a rolled up newspaper. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:51:13 AM | I assume the school has a policy or student handbook that addressess acceptable and unacceptable behavior. I'm sure you've consulted it, have you addressed this with the administration? I'd let them handle any individual situation first, it's their responsibility what happens on their campus and also their liability.
I'm not really sure what action could be taken by an instructor in a classroom setting. There's always going to be cliches, people who isolate and won't socialize with certain others. It's a part of maturing to develop coping skills to deal with it and an educational institution's focus should be on education not behavior modification, particularly at a college level.
Maybe you should encourage the student/s involved to make an appt. to speak with the dean about it. If the situation is such that it's causing a disruption in class, then you can discipline the student for the disruption.
I think the best method is ignoring it, bullying behavior is often for attention. You can talk with the student and assure them that you've explored all options and maybe ask someone to be a "study buddy" but you can't make people befriend someone. "ensure that the students know they can talk to me and that unless any illegal activity is involved I will not take any action without their permission" This does seem the only thing you can do.
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 1:30:15 PM | Thanks. Lots of nice ideas, beyond the scope of my influence. As I said in the first line I have reported the problems, but it's not overt enough, it's not the stereotype of a big lad beating up a little one, its a whole bunch of people being insensitive and trampling all over the feelings of more sensitive individuals because they want to socially bond, amuse themselves or give their egos a little boost by making someone else feel small. There's no such thing here as a school psychologist and the equivalent of the dean wouldn't know a live student if he fell over one.
At least there don't seem to be many major flaws in the strategies I outlined, not that anyone has identified yet, anyway. I wish I could be more help, though. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 1:42:41 PM | "There's no such thing here as a school psychologist and the equivalent of the dean wouldn't know a live student if he fell over one. "
I taught at a college where the last things the students wanted to do was go to the dean. I knew why, he was absolutely no help whatsoever, not to the students OR the instructors and he was supposed to be the one we resolved problems through. That's something you're just stuck with.
I empathize with your situation. What I tried to do with all my students was to give them each as much personal attention as possible (even the loudmouths and smart alecs). Try to encourage self confidence that there was noone in class that couldn't pass this course and get as high a grade as they wanted to work for. I was constantly reassuring all of them of that, seems weird maybe but even adults (night school average age I'd say early 30s) need that, they're so afraid they'll fail.
I'll just say this, if it appears you are playing favorite with a student who's being "picked on", the other students will run to the dean and want to complain. That one came back to bite me once, I just rolled my eyes. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:41:46 PM | | I think that bullies should be removed from the schools, and there should be NO tolerance whatsoever for bullying. I was bullied in high school and would have enjoyed school more if they were taken out of school for their behavior. There should be consequences for their actions! | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:41:50 PM |
I think that bullies should be removed from the schools, and there should be NO tolerance whatsoever for bullying. I was bullied in high school and would have enjoyed school more if they were taken out of school for their behavior. There should be consequences for their actions!
I would like to see the so called bullies, who show a consistent pattern of such behavior, taken out of school and sent to a school just for them, or have them be completely physically seperated from the rest of the student body until they mature enough to be among normal people, or until they drop out and become permanent "Sandwich artists" at Blimpies. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/23/2007 1:10:37 PM | I asked the students to think on the topic in preparation for an assessed group discussion on the following day. Considering the topic overnight and discussing the topic in small groups for 10-15mins where their ability to discuss a difficult issue appropriately was being assessed led to some very thoughtful contributions. I thought I would share a few of their observations and insights. The manager is being kept informed and I have suggested that he could use the students' insights to implement a policy that would actually be effective. More than 90% of the students had experienced bullying and this was probably what surprised them the most, to discover that everyone around them had felt as they had. They are not students who are highly regarded but a typical group of 16-20yr olds. I was impressed with the maturity and sensitivity they displayed -- you would not have guessed at it if you walked in and saw them. I have a lot of hope for that generation.
“When bullying has been going on for a long time, even the person being bullied just sees it as the way people normally behave towards them and something they just have to accept and live with”.
“Sometimes it’s hard to know if you are bullying someone because different people react differently to different things so you can say something to a friend and it would be okay but someone else might be hurt by it”.
“Bullies have no real friends; the people that hang out with them are just scared of them and as soon as someone tougher comes along all those people will go over to them instead”
“Bullying is when you make someone feel small”
“You know I’m just joking and you’re not hurt by it, so it’s not bullying; but if someone didn’t take it as a joke then it would be bullying”.
“The best thing against bullying would be to educate people on it so that they understood what it was and how they could deal with it”.
“When I realised that what I was saying was hurting him I was ashamed and I apologised. I just didn’t think that I was being hurtful.”
“Schools and colleges should get professional advice on how to deal with the problem of bullying”.
“People’s friends should stick up for them but they don’t always so it’s better to have something organised where people will stick up for others even if they are not friends”.
“You should help someone who is being bullied even if you don’t like them”.
“I just endured it until I left school. No-one can do anything that helps”. (ouch – no-one should have to feel like this, although I did too)
“Bullies attack the people who won’t fight back so it is best to pretend to be someone who will fight back”. (paraphrased from “Bullies attack the weak so it is best to pretend to be strong” and ensuing discussion)
“Bullies are insecure and bully people to try to help themselves feel stronger”. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/23/2007 2:24:40 PM | Rune3, I'm not belittling your ideas, I think its very thoughtful of you to try and help these kids, but I hate to see you get wrapped up in something you really can't control and can't help other than to listen, sympathize and encourage where and when you can.
Bullies have been around since caveman days and there will always be bullies around. I'm not so sure they grow out of it, I just think they mature into a different form of bully with other means than physical at their disposal.
Fear is the biggest weapon a bully uses against their prey. If you want to help your students, then you need to help them deal with the fear that a bully uses to manipulate them. Fear of pain, fear of humiliation, fear of embarrassment and many other things are why bullies are so successful. Once a person shows a bully what they fear, then they have a readily available weapon to use against them. In order to triumph over a bully you have to face and conquer your fear. That does not of course mean facing them down and beating the crap out of them. The best cure for a bully is to walk away from them confidently, not run away from them in fear.
College is a time of coming into a decisive age of whom you are going to be as an adult. If these kids can not stand on their own at this point in their life, they will have trouble doing so farther down the line. You can not solve their problems for them, but you can encourage them to face their problems and find solutions now before it affects the rest of their life's decisions. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/23/2007 3:26:42 PM | | I too was bullied, and abused at home that didn't help..I wanted to waste everyone. I was one of the kids who had the experience for that sort of thing, and when the time came and I snapped I did pernment physical damage because of what I did a man has a metal plate in his head. Thank God I didn't get ahold of a gun I was looking for one. And thank God I got beat in the first place had I not had the life I lived there would be another child molester around and I'd be dead.....Every Thing Happens For A Reason, my opinion. I couldn't be in charge because if I saw a kid, or kids bulling, they would be scrubbing out trash cans with cleanser, the dirtiest trash cans, with maggots I could find..They would be working hard labor, and their rest would be a boot camp type setting..I wouldn't hurt them physically, I mean the work might kill them... | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/23/2007 10:26:14 PM |
You can not solve their problems for them, but you can encourage them to face their problems and find solutions now before it affects the rest of their life's decisions. Hi Scheherrazade . I think that if you read my last post it's pretty clear that this is exactly what I am doing. They learned a lot from talking to each other. I just "happened" to choose the topic of bullying for their asssed discussion and they had to talk about it with a small grop of their pers of their choosing for 10-15mins and they learned a great deal from each other as a result. I can't possibly protect them, as much as I would want to -- I see them for only a couple of hours per week. I also am not so arrogant as to imagine that I have all the answers. My hope in posting this was to get some real answers for people who had actually had some experiences, but it seems I was being overly optimistic. However, I managed to get them thinking and talking together about the issue and they are learning from each other now and all have agreed that the right thing to do is to help their peers if they see incidents of bullying. I can't solve it, but they can and I will help them in every way that I can.
Generations of teachers throwing up their hands and saying "oh I can't do anything" and "it's just part of life" are responsible for a great deal of damage.
I hate to see you get wrapped up in something you really can't control and can't help other than to listen, sympathize and encourage where and when you can. Don't worry about me. I do not have the authority to bring in any rules but it all should come from the students anyway. They have even spoken to the manager too now, apparently. Would they have done that if I'd sat back and said "I can do nothing other than be sympathetic"? Would they have come to the verbal agreement that the right thing to do is to help each other, even if it's someone they don't like? I couldn't implement most of the advice offered here but that doesn't mean that I can't do anything. It just means that I need to be smarter about it -- and help in being smarter about it was what I was seeking. Never mind eh. I am still interested in experiences that people have of anti-bullying policies that worked or did not work. I am not really interested in more comments that tell me bullying should be accepted as part of life and that I shouldnt even try to have any effect on it. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/23/2007 11:12:20 PM | Ignore it publically, address it privately.
Fear is the emotion the bully enjoys and feeds on -- it's emotional content that they do not get in a positive form. Some will change with positive attention on positive issues but not all.
The real solution is to leverage the bullies own acute awarness of fear against the bully. Make them feel what they are doing. Maybe you can think of a class excercise but it'd have to be pretty strong. That was an interesting idea about putting the nerd in charge of the bully though that could easily worsen the problem.
What the bully needs to know is that they can be reached. That they are not untouchable. Home is best. Putting the fear of God or better yet a vivid reminder of their own mortality works like an absolute charm. Anonymously so that they know the one bothering them could be any one they ever bullied. It could also be a brother in the military, a relative, or if you're bold it could be the victim themself which is ideal because the less people who know about it the better.
What also works... late night phone calls to their house with the seediest voice you can get. The person must repeatedly talk about the drug shipment and the money -- some one (hopefully a parent) will lift the second line and overhear it. And they will likely have suspected something like this about the bully to begin with. Best of all this confronts the situation in an anonymously nonconfrontational format. You see how quiet your bully becomes when he suddenly thinks he may not have a place to live. Or maybe he will have to move.
This is an interesting read:
http://www.bbsonline.org/Preprints/OldArchive/bbs.mealey.html
There is basically a reproductive driven point of view that tries to explain antipersonality social disorder by explaining that the persons lack of caring and drive to mate are one extreme of this type of person. They act extreme and harsh because that is what they are inside and their reproductive role model: No need to have care and concern for your children when your drive is to reproduce a lot of them since no matter how careless you are or how much you neglect them the odds are if you have enough your genes will carry on successfully.
Bottom line is that you can play around with all kinds of DSM-V diagnoses and emotionally laden tags trying to "figure them out" but some people on this earth are predatorial, plain and simple, and some of the predators are just plain evil. My favorite talk show host yesterday had on a psychologist who worked with the criminally insane in a mental hospital for twenty plus years and he came straight out and said the majority are not insane even though the courts call them that. "They know right from wrong. They are evil."
That is from a Mental Healthcare Professional! And with all the 'science' of psychology that was the most accurate way he could bottom-line his description of the troublemakers of society. Spooky.
What age are we talking here, junior high? | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/24/2007 3:09:08 AM | School that prepares people for employment is a training ground for them to sort themselves into a pecking order. At work, you do what you are told or they fire your sorry behind. That is a form of bullying, since without a job, you die. You are going to have a boss, usually or at least at some point, who treats you like garbage and holds your job over your head. Do you gather together with coworkers to form a union, fight back, and all get fired at once when they close the place and ship your job to another place? You can, but it doesn't work. Eventually every human system is susceptible to fear and as such it is a case of dealing with bullies. Courage is the only answer, because people do a lousy job banding together against bullies on behalf of themselves. They actually fall in line under bullies as leaders.
I welcome the ideal that someday people will be brave enough to deserve a "land of the brave", but until they are, there will be no "home of the free". As a teacher when you flunk a student who did not comply, you are an academic bully, using your power to coerce good grades. A bully is just anyone who threatens us that we serve out of a fear of what we imagine they could do to us. I agree with the advice that to stand up is the only approach. Because when people stand up, others will help them, if those others are at all caring and helpful, and if they aren't, good luck with Utopia where bullies purr like kittens and shit ice cream.
An accurate picture of the power students have as individuals and of how a few acting together can resist a bully is what will help them along. To say nobody should be a bully is like saying to picnic people it should never rain. Every next generation will grow its fair share of bullies, and the rest of that generation will learn how to deal with them. They get hired as police, as managers in factories, as prison guards, or they go into crime and wind up as inmates. The worst if the worst turn to teaching where they make you stay up nights reading when you could be out with your friends drinking and driving. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:51:47 AM | In my experience, the only way to really stop a bully is to beat the crap out of them.
A long time ago in a universe far, far away, I transferred to a different school, age 14.
My class was plagued by a gang of 5 guys who would stael other kids' lunches, beat up everyone they thought was weaker, spit on people, leave feces on their chairs, grope every female in sight (including dry humping the English teacher, who didn't seem to mind) and so on.
As the new kid, I got 'special attention' for a little while, until I'd had enough.
Two of them had knives, one of them had a chain, I had a chair.
When we got done, the classroom looked like a bomb had gone off, I had a knife through my hand, two of them had broken arms, one of them was barely recognizable under the blood, one of them had fled, and one of them now wanted to be my friend.
The teachers begged me and my aunt & uncle, who I was living with at the time, not to call police, because the school's reputation was already bad enough.
The bullying stopped after that. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/24/2007 2:59:48 PM | talk to those whom I see as being potential bullies and praise their positive behaviour and try to get them to see that being kind to others is something that brings them more positive status:
this one has my vote!
a few years ago my daughter was being bullied by a group of boys...8 or 9 years old; close to the same age as her. they knocked her off and stole her bike.
as she was telling me the story i realized that i knew one of the boys.....i'd seen him out and about, quite often at inappropriate times/places. he always struck me as one of those kids who could have been really really great if his parents gave a damn about him. unfortunately they didn't, and he was heading in the "bad kid" direction very quickly.
anyway as luck would happen i ran into him shortly after.....it was about 10 o'clock, dark out, and he was on his way to tims to pick up a coffee for his father.
i said hi to him....as i always did, he said hi back, sort of timid like, and asked me how i was. i told him i was okay but mentioned i was a little worried about my daughter and told him the story....the whole time pretending i had no idea of his involvement.
i then proceeded to ask him if he would do me a favour and keep an eye on her since he was a bit older, a bit bigger, and they attended the same school. i told him i was a bit worried that she might get targeted again.....
well lo and behold, a couple of days later her bike was back in our yard.....and neither she or her siblings have been bullied since.
edit: i think that this probably only works well though if they are still on the youngish side. unfortunately the older they get, the more ingrained the behaviour, and the sense of power that comes along with it, becomes. and thats what they seek their gratification from. in our case the boy easily transitioned into seeking his power and gratification from being a "protector"........
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/25/2007 5:01:34 AM | Nice job Puppet Master -- thanks for sharing this. I think that no matter the age there is potential for kids to do better, given the opportunity and often the most important factor may be having someone believe that they can do better and tell them so.
Wolfie -- all too often this seems to be the way the kids believe they have to deal with it -- one boy had put two bullies in hospital. The bullying hasn't stopped though: it's just with different people and less specific -- just a ton of niggling undermining psychological things, nothing serious enough to mention on its own, most committed by kids who are totally unaware that their comments or behaviour are hurtful.
I am curious as to whether the bullies completely stopped bullying after this, or whether they just stopped bullying you? I can see that a strong negative mental association caused by the fear of suffering the pain they suffered as a result of targeting you might make them think twice about who they target in future, but if they bullied because of some emotional need, how do they get beyond bullying without being shown an alternative way to address that need? Did they just pick on girls after that, or did they stop altogether? | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/25/2007 8:27:38 AM | I am curious as to whether the bullies completely stopped bullying after this, or whether they just stopped bullying you?
actually i wonder that in our case as well and i have to say i'm not sure.
i think it's well within the realm of possibility that this boy and his mates are still bullies.....they just no longer bully my children.
and then i wonder what was really accomplished beyond the immediate protection of my kids.
does it really help in the long run that my kids aren't bullied now, simply because they are under the "protection" of a bully theirselves, or does it just contribute to the problem in a different way.
but the unfortunate reality of it is, my solution probably does as much to perpetrate the whole cycle as most any other. somehow i doubt that this boy used kindness and logic to convince his mates to leave my kids alone. although one can always hope i guess. | |
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