| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/21/2007 6:21:13 PM | I met "my guy" for something like the 4th date (2 months into knowing him, seeing him regularly...but this was a DATE he'd invited me to).
It was one of those things where he was downtown and I drove to meet him/pick him up at a function. Prior to the function, he'd asked me if it was possible to give another person--who had just lost her mother (6 months earlier)--a ride home.
Sure. Why not.
Well, it turned into a dinner where this woman told me where to drive--selected a restaurant she wanted to--asking, always specifically to him--not me--which restaurant fare he preferred. It was as though I was a chapperone or taxi driver. He was polite--or, docile, but never said the obvious, such as, "Well, why don't we ask our driver what she'd like to have for dinner?"
At her choice of restaurant, she dominated the entire conversation as a tete-a-tete with "my guy." Hitting on him, and every once in awhile saying things asides to me, such as..."they don't serve green curry at this restaurant" (there it was on the menu). "Did you know you can use the fork that is rolled up in your napkin?" or "Don't forget to take the paper covering off your straw." (An eye roller of a pathetic personality.)
My date got an earful as soon as I got to HIS destination (having dropped her off first). I said, why don't you just date her, why am I even in the picture? He insisted he was not at all interested in HER, that he was just being polite, and that he found me (insert complimentary phrase).What is perplexing to me is that he was utterly clueless (d'ya think?) that "anything" was going on. Never apologized. But I didn't either.
I found the treatment, and lack of a shared point of view--frustrating. Maybe I'm being ...biachy?
Later, he traveled with same gal to anohter function 2 hours away and discussed the whole ordeal with her, coming back to explain to me that she could see how I would have been angry.
This was a sore issue because he remained "innocent" in that he felt compelled to be nice to a stranger (her, presumably), and that it was up to me to "defend" myself if I was so inclined. Over time, though, this scenario just didn't "heal." Why? What could I have done? Leave the restaurant--and them both without transportation home? (Yes, I suppose there are taxis.) In hindsight that might have been a better choice rather than venting  in private with him. He doesn't "get" my need for...chivalry (?). The deal is, this scenario (his walking into situations with women--who he called "soul suckers" and then complaining about them later) is...well, something's wrong, right?
I'm out of this relationship now, but how does one deal with such scenarios and --insulting behaviors--leave earlier rather than later, not bothering to try to convey how it felt to be me in the situations?
Staying is an opportunity for growth (tolerance), communication (conveying my feelings in a neutral setting), and limits. How does one set limits in such situations? | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/21/2007 6:42:55 PM |
Prior to the function, he'd asked me if it was possible to give another person--who had just lost her mother (6 months earlier)--a ride home.
What did the fact she lost her mother 6 months earlier have to do with anything?
She managed to get to the function even tho she lost her mother, so why was she unable to get a way home?
But you should have drove her to her home and dropped her off as the ride home was the accepted offer and if she started suggesting places to go eat, YOU should have tole her YOU have a date with this man and she was not invited instead of allowing her to hit on your man... | |
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| Setting limits -- I was the third wheel on my boyfriend's date
Posted: 11/21/2007 6:43:01 PM | Are you frickin kidding? You are a complete doormat. At what point was it your date? You were the chauffer. How do you know a) she was aware of your "date" status, b) he isn't dating her, c) he ever had the follow-up convo he described with her (and why were they on a "Date" together, anyway?)
You appear to have been inexpertly played by a passive/aggressive noodle. You would be well-advised to deal with a real adult next time.
how does one deal with such scenarios and --insulting behaviors Grow some fem-nads! You need to get some help with assertiveness training and learn about boundaries. You are not "growing" from these experiences, you seem to be reinforcing some unfortunate patterns. Good Luck! | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/21/2007 6:44:05 PM | How does one set limits .. good question.
Not sure ... although I am certain it's different for everyone. I personally set the limits within myself; I don't feel up to changing how others feel or view the world, but I can listen to my own heart; if I find myself getting frustrated and depending on the situation and person, I ask what I need to ask and then let it go if I must.
People can learn tolerance via other types of relationships (not romantic) and I dunno .. I figure that life's too short to be romantically involved with someone we have to try to tolerate.
k. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/21/2007 6:56:36 PM | Seems like an old Woody Allen movie or something (The Weatherman with N. Cage). Where does one begin to comment or set general rules of thumb? Hm! I guess it is also a matter of EQ.
I guess the rational thing to do would have been for the OP to claim sickness, excuse herself, and leave both of them to continue with their meal, leaving the other woman
to "devour" her precious (??) date (maybe he was testing her and the other woman as well, maybe, sneaky!!!)..
"I figure that life's too short to be romantically involved with someone we have to try to tolerate"
I would tend to agree! Unless of course that "someone" is our own self. We have to learn how to tolerate living with ourselves.
Seriously: Things like that happen everyday in dating or other situations. And we deal with them based on experience and common sense on a case by case basis. I am surprised the OP needs to post on such a situation and even call for rules of thumb on his like that. I think common sense is the rule of thumb. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 12:55:26 AM | | For you to have allowed her to go to dinner with you was ridiculous. You should have put an end to it there by stating that you and your guy have already made plans, but you'd be happy to drive her home. End of conversation. If he insisted on her coming to dinner, I would have pulled over, told them to have a nice dinner and said 'Good night'. I wouldn't have anything further to do with a man who has so little regard for my feelings. People will walk all over you if you allow it. He, obviously, wasn't man enough to handle the situation, so you should have. I have no desire to date a wimp, and he is definitely a wimp. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 8:46:39 AM | #1 That sounds so weird I am baffled why you agreed to it in the first place.
The other woman was rude perhaps, but to play devils advocate she didnt know YOU. Some people are clueless at involving everyone in a conversation.
"lack of a shared point of veiw" What? Sounds like you wernt getting any attention. It happens.
Ranting at him saying "Well why dont you date her?" Makes you look childish, and serves no purpose. The one thing you got right is Men are clueless. They dont tend to over analyze things like women.
I wouldnt allow something this nutty to happen. I'd agree to taking a friend home, but eating out with her? I'd have declined. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 8:57:36 AM | | You've only had 4 dates with the guy so you don't really know him. I would have simply told him, after the ordeal, that I don't like threesomes and I'm not going to do that again. He would get the message and understand your boundries. Then I would pull back a bit and see what he does. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 9:25:23 AM | Well, you said you're out of the "relationship" now, so that's good, because what he did (or allowed her to do) was not appropriate. BUT, having said that, I'd advise you to sit back and think a little about just what a "relationship" is.
I met "my guy" for something like the 4th date (2 months into knowing him, seeing him regularly...but this was a DATE he'd invited me to).
Sorry, but 4 dates in 2 months doesn't exactly qualify as "seeing him regularly" in my book, nor does 4 dates in 2 months make him "your guy" as you state. Sounds to me like you did an awful lot of ASSUMING there. Do you know he wasn't dating others - possibly including her?
If I'm into a "relationship" where I say she's "my girl" and I'm seeing her "regularly" that's essentially EVERY weekend unless she's out of town to visit family or something, and likely sometimes during the week also. I'm willing to bet he wasn't thinking of you as "his girl" and telling others he was "seeing you regularly" based on what you said.
What he (and she) did was disrespectful even if it was your FIRST date with him, but I really don't think you had the "relationship" you seem to have convinced yourself you had. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:17:02 AM | | i dont tolerate drama queens/kings, which your intended date seems to be. thats why he feels "compelled" ...its attention seeking..some people just live on whine and cheese.. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:20:02 AM | guess to learn how to deal with people sooner than later you have to be on your toes and not ASSUME anything about them.... be quick to say " I'll think about it and get back with you"... rather than agreeing to anything without knowing all the terms.
The probelm lies in that people are agreeable to things without knowing the terms because many are so desperate for love or affection. try not to be one of them and take your time getting to know someone before trusting them.... a few months and dates is not long enough for trust to build. a few months and dates is only enough time to assess interest and no more. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:58:47 AM |
I met "my guy" for something like the 4th date (2 months into knowing him, seeing him regularly...but this was a DATE he'd invited me to).
Sorry, but 4 dates in 2 months doesn't exactly qualify as "seeing him regularly" in my book, nor does 4 dates in 2 months make him "your guy" as you state.
I think OP means that though they saw each other regularly, it wasn't what would be called traditional "dates". If you live pretty close to the person you're seeing, you may hang out at each others house, go get drinks with friends, etc., and that's seeing each other regularly. But then setting up plans for dinner out and a movie, dressing up, or like she said, he invited her out somewhere, that would be classified as an actual date. Two boyfriends ago, I was seeing this guy from my neighborhood a couple of times a week, "blockbuster nights", ordering in, just hanging out, and then he said he wanted to officially take me out on a real date. Wanted to pick me up, take me to dinner, pay for everything.. so though we'd been dating for a couple weeks at that point, I considered that our first date. So does OPs post make more sense now?
In any case, this would've never happened to me because I would've taken the chick home and that's that. No she would not have had the chance to invite herself to dinner and if the guy is so oblivious to it then damn right I would've left them there. People only treat you the way you let them treat you. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 12:16:51 PM | If I had been seeing someone for two months and only been out with him four times...I don't know if I would call him 'my guy'.
Anyone I call 'my guy' would have been a regular in my life and by regular, I mean a minimum of four times per month. MINIMUM.
But as to the question at hand...Yes, you should have dumped both their a$$es at the restaurant and let them figure out how to get home.
Live and learn. Operative word is learn. | |
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| Setting limits --dudette hitting on my date
Posted: 11/22/2007 12:31:39 PM | | I have very little tolerence for clueless men and even less tolerance for "****y" women. However, when I encounter either, I tend to take them out quickly and cleanly. I understand you liked this man and were probably trying to be the "good girl" which is admirable, as long as the company you keep are the same type of people. In this case they were not. Anytime someone belittles you through words or action or through lack of actions, it is time to find new friends. | |
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| Setting limits -- I was the third wheel on my boyfriend's date
Posted: 11/22/2007 12:51:16 PM | "grow some Fem-nads"
Ok i must admit to never having seen those, does the esteemed poster have a set of these "nads" if so would it be possible for her to e-mail me a picture?. Or at least a very in depth detailed description. | |
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lohki
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Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 21 | |
| Setting limits -- I was the third wheel on my boyfriend's date
Posted: 11/22/2007 1:29:34 PM |
Sorry, but 4 dates in 2 months doesn't exactly qualify as "seeing him regularly" in my book, nor does 4 dates in 2 months make him "your guy" as you state. Sounds to me like you did an awful lot of ASSUMING there. Do you know he wasn't dating others - possibly including her?
I always date men who like to bring their other "girls" along on our dates, it keeps me on my toes!
I prefer to have a man ask me to ferry the "other girls" around in my vehicle so I can keep on top of where everyone lives in case I have to pick them up again.
This scenario the OP explained- There isn't any assuming done by her here. Men can play stupid all they like, it takes a swift kick in the a$$ sometimes to ensure you aren't placed in that position in the first place.
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| Setting limits -- I was the third wheel on my boyfriend's date
Posted: 11/22/2007 6:10:51 PM | ^^^^^^
This scenario the OP explained- There isn't any assuming done by her here. Men can play stupid all they like, it takes a swift kick in the a$$ sometimes to ensure you aren't placed in that position in the first place.
You're not reading very well for comprehension this afternoon.  I didn't say she was assuming anything regarding the *scenario*, but possibly with regards to the relationship (or non-relationship.) I'm still betting the guy never was referring to her as "his girl" the way she says he was "her guy" after 4 dates in 2 months.
Also, I hope you read the rest of my post, not just the part you wanted to disagree with? I said what the man (and the other woman) did to her was highly disrespectful. In no way am I condoning what he (and she) did. | |
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| Setting limits -- I was the third wheel on my boyfriend's date
Posted: 11/22/2007 7:56:27 PM | In answer to the OP's question....
Politely excuse yourself from the initial invite to bring along this woman and drive yourself home, leaving them to find their own ride.
OR, just say NO to bringing along the additional person.
I can't even fathom the situation... I would have been less than polite and told him 'Hell no!' from the get go. | |
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