| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 12:24:40 AM | Alright, I need a hand. Recently I have had a complete realization of myself when a person I was seeing told me they thought I simply "didn't want them.", it completely tore my heart in two because it was farther from the truth.
The whole low down was simple, I just met her, she had been through a crappy relationship that lasted 6 years, ended when her ex cheated on her. She is currently living in a sheltered woman's home for abuse. I feel as though I am old fashioned to begin with and try to take things slow. I don't like to feel "pushy". So taking this all into consideration I just went with the flow.
I tried to show some physical connection with her, touching her lightly on the shoulder or leg when talking to her, keeping direct eye contact. I would have eventually tried to make a move, but twice she was sick, once with a bad cold, again with strep. So I decided to just wait until she was feeling better before I tried to get closer.
Now I'll be moving in a few months out of state and I felt it wasn't fair for me to try and get any closer if I wasn't going to even be around, so I told her that. The rest is history. Anyways, the whole point of this, was to ask for some tips or advice. I don't ever want someone I care about to feel like that again, but at the same time I don't want to come on too strong.
I think this time around, I'd get the best advice from the ladies, so, give me some tips, so I don't end up messing up another relationship. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 12:47:00 AM | | OP I think it probably wasn't anything you did. To be honest, it sounds like this girl has insecurity issues anyway, and if you are moving away in a few months you did the right thing not to make a move on her. Most women wouldn't want you to make a move on them when they were poorly anyway. Maybe you shouldn't have started dating her if you knew the move was inevitable, because she could have become much more attached to you, but from what you say, I don't think you did anything to feel too guilty over. It's possible that whoever this girl goes out with will have the same problems. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 12:50:03 AM | | The move was a sudden thing, it wasn't really planned. One day I got up and just decided I didn't want to live where I do anymore. This was after I met her, if I had felt more connected to her, I am the kind of person who will hang around just for one person, but her attitude changed so much it was hard to tell what she wanted. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 1:01:43 AM | Hold me, hug me. Kiss my forehead, hold my hand. Smile when you see me. Tell me. Talk to me.
If you're in a new relationship though, unless she is feeling the same things, she may get frightened off. The most important item on that list is communication. Talk to her. Talk about a date. Talk about dating. Talk about being exclusive. Talk about taking your relationship seriously.
Generally, the more a man communicates (in a positive way) with a woman, the happier she is. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 1:08:20 AM | | Yeah, and now the more I think about it, the more I wonder. I talked to her about all sorts of stuff, I asked her how she felt about me, if she could see herself with me down the road, I complimented her as much as I could without trying to look like a jerk. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 1:52:07 AM | You did absolutely nothing wrong. She, due to her abusive past, has self-esteem and trust issues. That is only natural. She felt she wasn't worthy of you and therefore you couldn't possibly want her. It will take time and counseling for her to heal. By taking it slow, you showed what a caring, compassionate man you are. Since you are moving soon, it is better for the both of you that it ended sooner than later. You were correct in realizing that it would be that much harder on both of you if you grew closer and then had to separate.
My only advice this time around, is avoid a relationship with a woman who is in such a fragile state. Women who have just left abusive relationships need to heal emotionally before they can be part of a healthy relationship. Good luck to both of you. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 4:30:11 AM | | Rowdysheis, I couldn't agree more. The problem with women like this is that sometimes their insecurities can push them from one relationship to another, because they can't stand being in their own company either. When a woman is like this, you are better off keeping away from her, because no matter how hard you try to make her feel better about herself, the problem comes from deep within her. Until she breaks the pattern, and seeks to change and grow on her own, there is not much you can do for a woman like this. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 6:52:34 AM | I can have a physical connection with any woman who looks good naked, that is hardly grounds to get into a relationship with someone tho........
Far as those women who have been abused and mentally/ sexually screwed up... I'd pass on that and look for someone with her noggin that isn't like one of those waterballs that snow "flakes" go around the orb... when you hold and jiggle them. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 8:34:33 AM | | She needs someone who will take control. That is her half of an abusive relationship. If you don't take control and make her the victim, she feels out of place and nothing she knows about relationships works. This happens all the time. You might think that after being with a jerk she would prefer being treated well. The thing is, she is programmed to be with jerks, and until she gets that fixed she will be with men who abuse her, not ones who treat her well. Stay away from women coming out of abusive relationships, unless it is to help them move furniture or something like that. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 8:51:48 AM | Honestly, picking up and deciding you want to move far away when you've just begun a relationship sort of screams, 'Hey, you don't mean anything to me.' Also, while you consciously occasionally touched her arm or leg, and asked a few relationshipy questions...it's quite possible that your general demeanor toward her was cold, unfeeling...unpassionate (and she's used to passion, right? Albeit, the bad kind).
I'm not saying that this relationship would have worked anyway...clearly, she's got to have some major therapy. But to blame the girl entirely for her feeling like you didn't want her, well, it's a two-way street. As much as people say only you are responsible for feelings you have, responsibility doesn't equal the cause. People don't live in bubbles.
Just make sure that in your next relationship, you call her often enough (three days a week is usually not seen as infringing on her freedom), that you kiss her (on the cheek, on the hand counts), hug her, compliment her, etc. Just be attentive. Make sure the relationship is on your priority list- top 5. Do what you can, and leave the rest up to her. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 9:00:53 AM | Alright, thanks. I couldn't really help it though. I met her, became friends and I fell for her. It is a disappointment, but you keep walking right?
kupcakes4you, I don't know how to respond to that, I really don't. When I first meet the person, that isn't the first thing I think. When I made the topic, I didn't even have an idea for any sexual stuff in mind. Honestly, if it comes to that point, they already have me because I don't sleep with anyone who is looking for just a fling.
Alright, thanks for the help. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 9:06:35 AM | Actually part of it (moving) had to do because I was feeling disconnected to her. I would have been more then happy to stay in a crappy little town for her. But that really didn't seem the case. We would have a blast on the weekend, and then during the week, I could barely get a few words out of her. I tried to come by her place once or twice during the week, asking her if she wanted company first and she usually told me she would rather be by herself.
I don't want to seem like a jerk, I never said it was her fault, honestly I blamed most of it on myself, with my inability to express myself properly and give her what she needs. I tried to stay in a lot of contact with her, but when she just seemed to ignore me, I kind of decided not to care as much. | |
|
| Physical Connection
Posted: 11/22/2007 9:22:24 AM | I think you showed that you cared kuehnau, it's just seems that she's not ready to accept your caring.
She has issues that she needs to work out within herself and nothing you could do or say to her will resolve them. This is something that she has to do herself... to learn to be comfortable in her own skin.
By telling you that she thought "you didn't care" was her way of staying the perpetual victim, and that is all she apparently is used to.
You sound like a guy with genuine integrity, don't feel guilty over this. | |
|
|
Home
login 
