| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:00:04 AM | This was originally supposed to be a reply to someone elses post but i thought it could stand alone as a thread topic.
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The way i see it, internet dating was not meant to happen. It wouldn't have exsisted without the net first... and the net was not specifically designed for dating. (Look up the history of the internet for it's original purpose) Internet dating did happen, but it goes against the natural human way of making eye contact across the room, smiling, mustering up the confidence of approaching them and striking up a convo... in person... while you two are sharing the same atmousphere in the same location.. right from the get go.
On the net, one side could be listening to classical music in a dim lit room sipping tea.. messaging another person who is half busy on the computer and half busy cooking, chasing screaming kids around blasting loud music, putting out a kitchen fire and you won't even know (unless you were on the phone with them). You can hide a lot of feelings/moods behind typed words or they can me mistaken for humor.
I'm sure some men would date a woman with kids if the internet never exsisted and got to know the woman with a simple convo and if he really liked her, would let a lot of petty standards go.... but the internet kind of speeds the process up where you know so much more about the person before you actually start the first convo... and you have to work backwards.
The internet gives you 2 first impressions... the pic and online convo (which we base 'meeting' someone on) then a 2nd first impression which is meeting them.... and if the 2nd first impression doesn't feel like the first 1st impression, a lot of ppl get dissapointed. Can't blame them... this method is not natural.
Why does one need 2 seperate 'first impressions'
The first "1st impression" is behind a screen.... which is more of an 'first expectation' than a first impression. It's almost perfectly designed for disaster right from the start. It's like microwave dating... cooks in half the time and the food seems hot on the outside and you get the impression that because it's super hot to the touch on the outside, it must also be on the inside.. but bite into it and you'll see the center is still frozen.
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So the question is : how many people feel like internet dating really is the backwards method? Do you treat internet dates any different than the ones you meet without help of the computer? How is it different for you?
(I don't do internet dating .. i guess i'm old school... but i'd like to see the opinions of those who do)
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:14:43 AM | | I agree whole heartedly, not much luck here. Lots of emails, and dates, but no one seems really serious about getting to know one another in a real way. By the way op- you express yourself wonderfully! | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:20:33 AM |
So the question is : how many people feel like internet dating really is the backwards method?
I think it's the enlightened method.
If I see someone across a room how do I know I will like anything about him? Whether we'll have anything in common? If he can even string a sentence together?
Unless he was standing there in rock climbing gear with a paddle tucked under one arm, Hitch Hikers' Guide to the Galaxy under the other and his drink balanced on his Talladega Nights DVD the choice to talk to him will be based entirely on his looks.
The internet gives you 2 first impressions... the pic and online convo (which we base 'meeting' someone on) then a 2nd first impression which is meeting them.... and if the 2nd first impression doesn't feel like the first 1st impression, a lot of ppl get dissapointed. Can't blame them... this method is not natural.
The reverse happen in real life dating. You see someone you like the look of and then they open their mouth and you're.... that's right... disappointed.
I don't do internet dating ..
Neither do I (anymore) but when I did my profile didn't have a picture. What I liked about internet dating was if someone chose to contact me it would be because of my mind/personality rather than how I look, as is the case with real life. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:22:55 AM | | The general gist of what you say I agree with. One of the biggest differences I see is that for the most part the internet is one dimensional. You could meet someone at work or somewhere else where you would see them on a regular basis. You might not even be physically attracted to them but over time that may change entirely. It has happened to me. You see that person with all of their dimensions living life. But on the internet if you do not see something that compels you to email or answer that person or get to know them you will simply pass them by. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:48:26 AM |
Neither do I (anymore) but when I did my profile didn't have a picture. What I liked about internet dating was if someone chose to contact me it would be because of my mind/personality rather than how I look, as is the case with real life.
I also stopped internet dating. (i've done it before.. i should have mentioned, but i stopped) I also like when someone msgs because of what i say and not how i look. I agree with that. The whole "omg you are HOT" has a dulled effect after a while in terms of actual importance... especially as you get older and wiser and it means less in a convo.
If I see someone across a room how do I know I will like anything about him? Whether we'll have anything in common? If he can even string a sentence together?
Whenever i met someone through the whole "look across the room" .... it's because i was at an event that most people in the room had at least one thing in common... the art on the wall (meeting in a gallery) ...the music being played (which isn't blasting thru speakers) or an art class where we are all doing ... art!
I guess meeting someone at a newsstand or something where the atmousphere is neutral makes it harder to find out. I've never put myself in that position... so i guess i overlooked that. hmmmm
The reverse happen in real life dating. You see someone you like the look of and then they open their mouth and you're.... that's right... disappointed
But it's more instant. Less time is wasted right from the start. My experience was i got to know the person online and had to wait to experience the "opening her mouth to change everything".. and by that time, i had already gave her the impression i was interested in her for a week or 2 already.
Sure it's embarassing either way... i don't think they can invent a time-eraser button and even if they did, no one would have funny stories to tell later.  | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:49:29 AM | While there are obvious drawbacks and limitations to "meeting" someone online, there are also advantages. It is entirely possible to get to know someone fairly well via words alone, or at least get a decent "feel" of what that person is like. This allows us to efficiently "weed out" people with whom we're not compatible. To me, that doesn't seem "backwards" at all.
Not to mention the fact that the internet can introduce us to people we'd never otherwise meet face-to-face, due to distance, etc. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:56:41 AM |
online dating is what one makes of it, an opportunity, not a magic bullet.
Oh don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that it would never work. I'm just saying that it has a higher percentage of 'not' working. Maybe because the method is still new? I'm sure it will evolve given a longer period of time. (perhaps another whole generation? who knows)
I've seen success stories on here and i don't debate with them at all. All the power to them.
By the way op- you express yourself wonderfully!
Thank you, ma'am. *tips hat*
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 9 | |
| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:57:18 AM | Technology changes society, especially when it comes to communication. Telegram, telephone, SMS, etc. society changes and adapts.
I think it's more to do with how we use the information (about others) that we garner online, a lot of people building up expectations before they have even met the person, mostly from assumption and imagination.
I met someone the other day and I explained that it wasn't a date, that I don't date people from online. She was surprised and asked what I meant, I replied that how could I possibly know if I wanted to date someone with out meeting them and getting to know them, there is far too much human interaction that isn't verbal to be able to make a choice about dating someone without meeting them.
Hence why I always find it interesting that people put so much onus on and build up the first "date" ..... for me, that is the replacement to the approaching and saying hello to someone and having a drink and a chat ............ just so happens here that the eyes across a room are done via a profile and a browser, anything else I think should be done in person. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:58:24 AM |
Not to mention the fact that the internet can introduce us to people we'd never otherwise meet face-to-face, due to distance, etc.
Thats a really good call actually.
totally agree. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:08:17 AM | yes it's backwards......... the old way ......also has business surrounding the phone....eg....i received a ph #.........made the call ......chatted.....after a while I heard....in a male voice.( was chatting w/a female)......oh yeah, that's good....or something similar.......so .....she was on the ph w/ me as her hands were busy ..... | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:10:49 AM | | I guess it,s what they call progress lol.Was internet shopping meant to happen either?Does that mean it,s a backwards way of shopping? One can do most things on the internet these days and dating is just one of them. It can be a good dating option for people like me who dont get out to places where i might get the opportunity to meet people very often (i need to get me a life lol).I guess it depends how seriously you take it.Good thread though. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:14:53 AM | How about the soldiers overseas years ago that had pen pals, fell in love and got married on returning home?
Some really beautiful stories, married decades and yet only got to know each other through writing letters. How far back I wouldn't be sure but certainly 40 or more years.
Technology certainly does change our lives, makes the world smaller. But just because there are more common ways that people meet up doesn't mean it's the standard and anything else is backwards.  | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:16:12 AM |
Was internet shopping meant to happen either?Does that mean it,s a backwards way of shopping?
we are talking about 'dating'. when i go shopping, i don't have to conversate with anyone other than the salesperson or cashier... and i'm not there to be dating. I'm in shopping mode.
you can't compare apples to a staple gun
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:16:49 AM | | Hi, Mr. D! I think that your topic is a great one that needs to be discussed. I think the Internet provides an access to meeting individuals that you normally wouldn't have the opportunity to meet, but clearly, it is no substitute to the natural way of making contact with a potential date. First of all, photos can be deceiving...they aren't three dimensional, and no one is going to put up a photo of themselves on their profile looking their worst, so you have to think that the person inevitably may not resemble their pic when you meet in person. Secondly, if you're conversing with a person, via the Internet, your interpretation of that person is really based on how well they can write. They can be great storytellers when they write and the idea of a great "story" is to fuel one's imagination, so basically what you know of a person is all that you have created in your mind from what you've read about them. A lot of the disappointment that's experienced, comes from the "real" person not being able to fit in the "imaginary" person's shoes, so to speak. In meeting face to face, there is a lot more to study to determine a basis for a type of relationship. You can only be a "real" person in person, so the Internet contact needs to be objective, until you can meet "the natural way", and let things progress from there. | |
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:29:37 AM | Technology certainly does change our lives, makes the world smaller. But just because there are more common ways that people meet up doesn't mean it's the standard and anything else is backwards.
Indeed, as with all things, good and bad are relative. It depends on how we perceive it and what we do with it, or are involved with it.
convo
Conversation, I'd think. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:32:14 AM | | Yes i know but i was using the shopping as another example of what the internet was not specifically designed for so therefore saying it must make that a backwards method as well as internet dating!I did also continue to give my opinion of internet dating as well so i think what i said was quite valid. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:32:54 AM | I've always said this process was bass ackwards...... It's the main reason I really can't rely on it being the way I'm going to find the one I want to be with. I visualize this process as like standing in a bar, each woman literally SURROUNDED by a circle of guys ten deep, while she sorts through all the resumes that are waving in her face like being in a stock trading pit...... What REAL chance is there of standing out with somebody, even if they might potentially be the type you would click with?? They're NUMB by the time you can stick your head through....
You can have some nice conversations corresponding for awhile if the pics and the profile writing grabbed your attention. But it's going to boil down to possibly being disappointed once you meet if the 'chemistry' is not there. And I often wonder if the POTENTIAL chemistry might have been better if the conditions of the process were normal vis a vis...noticing each other in a public setting first.....would I have LOOKED at the person first...watched their mannerisms and THEN decided if I was attracted enough to want to talk to them. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:46:44 AM | | I'm from the old school too and would much rather bump shopping carts and meet you that way than this way. However, there are benefits to online dating. People seem more comfortable behind their keyboard to disclose certain information that could take you months to find out about in the real world. The drawback I see and I'm not trying to generalize here but stating a fact that I've discovered. Sex seems to be a forefront of conversation and expectation because of the online introduction. Online dating has become so prevelant but in the beginning if you were here, you were desperate and looking for sex. That stigma still exists and its tough to get around. It could be just that your exposed to so many and meet so many more types than you normally would in an average day out in the real world. Great topic. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:47:55 AM | It works for quite a lot of people. It works very well. I guess it is left to those for whom it does not work to sit around inventing theories about it, since they aren't having any luck and need something to do.
Where there is a will, there is a way. The same people you would see elsewhere, well, they have computers at home, too. | |
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 23 | |
| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:50:45 AM | It's the main reason I really can't rely on it being the way I'm going to find the one I want to be with.
Maybe it's just another way, not the only way of meeting new people ?
I visualize this process as like standing in a bar, each woman literally SURROUNDED by a circle of guys ten deep, while she sorts through all the resumes that are waving in her face like being in a stock trading pit
Visualization is a very powerful thing, the last thing you want to do, is use it against yourself. Just change how you look at it. Sure there are more men here, though doesn't mean it's the 10 deep screaming kind, I'm very rarely like that. I'd give the ladies a little more kudos for being able to see though that kind of racus and if they don't, they probably aren't the one for you ?
The confidence of not having to shout about yourself can be a powerful thing too.
What REAL chance is there of standing out with somebody, even if they might potentially be the type you would click with??
Depends on what you believe there is.
You can have some nice conversations corresponding for awhile if the pics and the profile writing grabbed your attention. But it's going to boil down to possibly being disappointed once you meet if the 'chemistry' is not there.
Then don't see it as anything more than a conversation (that you probably wouldn't of otherwise had) until you meet.
Sex seems to be a forefront of conversation and expectation because of the online introduction.
Defending against the expectation and guilty until proved innocent is the other side of the coin on that one, I find a lot of people expect it to be there and look for it to attack, just make it a non issue. | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 12:15:38 PM | Internet dating is a tool. I have made new friends and opened my mind that I have learned a few things. I have gotten to meet people that are charming and interesting. Some of them I didn't have any connection with, but I have made a couple of friends even through there wasn't any chemistry that have become very good friends. We have a lot of the same interests and values. I have introduced them to a Girlfriend or two. And in turn I have made friends with their friends...I have learned a lot about Music, repelling and climbing, religion and families. Because of some of the people that I have gotten to meet my circle of friends keeps growing. I believe in some ways that this has enhanced my life and made me more open minded and more open to people. Since I am a little bit shy it also helps break the ice for me. This is the positive side of it.
The negative side is that I would rather someone glance across the room and make eye contact with them. I like instant attraction and miss that. I don't feel any chemistry over the Internet until I meet them. And I agree meeting someone isn't a date its meeting someone. I also meet people in the things that I am interested in and so are they. Whether its the same friends or the same interests. And when we go out it is a date. I don't have to weed through the ones that are married or living with someone. It is interesting that some people find me attractive that they are going on a picture only. Then tell me how wonderful I am whenever they have never gotten to meet me. The first thing meeting someone they don't say your sexy they draw you into a conversation and make eye contact with you.. There is both good and bad. It is just a tool that I use to enhance my life and when it stops working or I become hardened I will hang up my profile and stop. Great topic,,,,,,,,,,,,,Smiles Blue | |
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| Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 1:40:52 PM | | The thing I dont like about internet dating is the shy looks, the awkward hi's, the butterfly feeling you get when you see him walking towards you...all before you actually get to talk to each other or know each other.....the courting per se | |
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