| What is the best way to tell someone.... who smokes full-on and regulary drinks without offending further?
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:44:42 PM | who smokes full-on and regulary drinks without offending further?
I met this guy last month from another popular dating site. In his profile, it says he is trying to quit smoking and is only a social/occasional drinker.
Anyway, we met for the first time on the weekend in a mall. Because smoking is not allowed inside, he must have endured at least 2 hours without lighting up. This made me convinced that he really is on his way to quitting.
Two days ago, he came and visit me at my place but we decided to have a meal at a nearby restaurant. I hopped in his car and I could right away smell cigarette which started to make me sick that I could hardly breathe, so I kept the window opened. He did the same as we pulled along, but lights up a stick and started puffing not thinking how it would make me even more uncomfortable.
I also noticed that he had a can of beer he just finished sitting in the holder next to him. I seem to remember him saying that he drinks beer and bourbon everyday as a way to relax him after a hard day's work. Now, this is not what I call, occasional or social drinker!
Last night, over a chat, I asked him if he could go easy on these bad habits. Told me he can't and won't change so it's either I accept him for what he is or basically telling me not to see him anymore.
I felt like I overstepped the bounderies, but I was only doing it because I feel like I could care for him. I told him that if we end up with each other, I would want him to be around for a lot longer. He is basically a nice guy but I don't think I could live with his excessive smoking and frequent drinking.
My father died from emphysema and I saw how he agonized and suffered for months. My aunt died from passive smoking after years of exposure to people who smoked at work indoors!
But anyway, seeing that he won't change, how could I even begin to consider meeting him halfway? What do you think I should do. I really, really like this guy, but I don't think he believes that.
Thanks for any input. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:54:39 PM | Reguardless of whether you overstepped your bounderies you still have a right to be with someone who doesn't do those things if it's your preference. I would take him at his word that he won't change and do what you think is right.
I don't drink anymore and I can honestly say that he can only stop drinking for himself. I haven't smoked in 3 weeks and I'm doing that for me too. In another week I'll change my profile to say non smoker. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:56:36 PM | | He won't change until he's ready to so you have to ask yourself if you like this guy enough to accept his bad habits. If not, it's time to move on.. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:04:31 PM | | You cant change someone until they are ready to change. You either accept it or you move on. You knew up front that he was a drinker and a smoker, regardless of how much or how little, so Im a little puzzled as to why you seem to be "offended" by this. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:14:54 PM | | I am not referring to myself as the one who was offended. It was this guy I was seeing. He didn't appreciate me asking him to consider taking it easy on his vices. He obviously got offended the last time we chatted because he never came back online again after that night. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:27:42 PM | | You were obviously offended or you would not have "asked" him to take it easy on them. Sorry, but I have to agree with him on getting offended by you asking this. I would have too. Move on and find someone that has vices that you can deal with and accept without having to ask them to chill out on them. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:41:27 PM |
Sorry, but I have to agree with him on getting offended by you asking this. I would have too. Move on and find someone that has vices that you can deal with and accept without having to ask them to chill out on them.
I don't know... I can accept someone who drinks, but someone who picks me up with a half empty can of beer?
Sorry, there's a big difference there. I think she had every right to ask. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:44:09 PM | Yes, I was offended because he basically lied to me...
His profile said "Trying to Quit" with smoking and that he is only an "Occasional Drinker".
Despite all that, I was still willing to give him a chance, so I agreed to meet him. Seeing that he was VERY keen on me, I thought I would be able to ask him to go easy on those issues.
I would advise anyone who puts something in their profile regarding their vices to be as honest as you can because eventually, it will be found out. When this happens, please don't get offended and accuse the other person of being a control-freak. It's not fair to expect us to accept you, just like you won't budge with yours. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:47:54 PM |
I also noticed that he had a can of beer he just finished sitting in the holder next to him. I seem to remember him saying that he drinks beer and bourbon everyday as a way to relax him after a hard day's work. Now, this is not what I call, occasional or social drinker!
Yep, especially when the empty can is in his car. That's drinking while driving.
You know, habits are part of the package. You can't change him. And the habits are bad ones, like these are... he's not the guy for you. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/23/2007 11:32:29 PM | | Here we have a guy who fibbed to make himself more "marketable" by saying he wants to quit smoking when in truth he has no intention of doing so at all. And a "social drinker" who consumes alcohol while driving a car. The potential for tragedy here is pretty obvious. OP, you'd best drop this guy like a hot potato. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 12:36:11 AM | I would be more concerned about the "trying to quit" that does not sound like trying all that hard and the social drinking with open container in the car. (illegal in California - not sure about which other states)
Starting a relationship by being misleading and deceptive does not build a strong foundation. Rather than pressure him to change the best you can do for him is probably to move on and and honestly tell him why he's being "passed by..." | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 5:33:08 AM | >>>>>>I met this guy last month
Told me he can't and won't change so it's either I accept him for what he is or basically telling me not to see him anymore
>>>>>>I felt like I overstepped the bounderies, but I was only doing it because I feel like I could care for him.
Read this three times and see what we see???
He lied on his profile ..false..fraudulent..phoney. Don't compromise | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 5:42:33 AM | | That "I care about you and want you to live forever" hogwash doesn't fly with us diehards. He was honest in telling you to get lost, if you're going to be a nag and all. If he makes you sick with his filthy habits, your best bet is to find a bubble somewhere and try living in it with someone else. It's really a lost cause these days. Love, Titus | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 5:53:31 AM | who would be so desperate to go on dates with someone who smokes and drinks when they do not want someone who smokes and drinks?
meet halfway? another act of desperation. why don't you do this,
find someone who is just the way you like them.
this should go without saying. he lied on his profile, he's done. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 6:01:27 AM | If he cant even hop in the car,without having a can of booze on hand, id say he has a problem......
Also,from my experience a lot of smokers CLAIM to be trying to quit (to increase their chances of meeting someone) & they're NOT quitting at all----- they just say that...... | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 6:07:12 AM | | I think it's all been said by above posters - you can't change him, he doesn't want to change, and he's an accident waiting to happen (re: drinking IN THE CAR). If these are deal breakers for you (as they would be for many), then stop seeing him. You can find yourself a non-drinker and non-smoker, and he can find himself someone who smokes like a chimney and has a string of DUIs. :) | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 7:33:23 AM | I read your profile, no where in there do you say you don't like smokers/.drinkers. I would think that if that is an issue for you, you'd actually say something like "non smokers only please only reply" or "light/occasional drinkers acceptable, but no regular to moderate drinkers".
Your profile's an easy read, your intelligent, surely you can figure out how to put the message in your profile that you don't like smokers. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 7:38:51 AM | | OP it sounds like that guy didn't represent himself very honestly but aside from that, you obviously hate smoking in any shape or form... so the real question is why are you wasting your time (and someone else's) by dating a smoker? If even the smell of it makes you sick, then clearly you should strictly date only non-smokers. Going further, you apparently have some issues with those who drink also so perhaps you should do some soul searching and refine your specifications a bit. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 7:48:02 AM | | Youre stuck . Id dump him. He loves his habits more than you. Just know youre gorgeous and dump him the pain will subside Please do, you know the answer.Good luck. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 7:57:41 AM | | Also, I don't know about where you live, but in the States he could be in jail for driving around with an open container, that would be a DUI. So good thing you're not in the US. | |
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nmwjmw
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Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 24 | |
| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 8:11:04 AM | This has happened to me several times... except that I really have zero tolerance. I quit smoking 5 years ago and quit drinking 6.5 years ago. He will not quit for you, and even if he does the first big spat and he will be off drinking "at " you... Stay away from men who ... lie ,cheat ,and steal. | |
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| What is the best way to tell someone....
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:08:11 AM | If you have preferences, and he is 180 degrees opposed to those preferences, that is in no way shallow or offensive. I have passed on meeting women who snoke and make it clear that they have no intention of quitting. On the other hand, I know considerate smokers who will happily abstain until going separate ways.
People of either sex who immediately start into the "You aren't gonna tell ME what I can and can't do" posing aren't worth the trouble anyway.
Best policy is to not date smokers if it bothers you that much.
And there is no such thing as "occasionally", and I don't know why it is an option. You either do something or you don't, be it smoking, drinking, drugs..... | |
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