| Relationships 101 .... 3 Part Question
Posted: 11/24/2007 12:54:33 PM | Relationships 101 .... 3 Part Question
Background. Separated fully for 6 years, Divorced for 2, kids all grown up. Looks wise I do better than ok. Income - yes, rich - no. I like men near my age 5 years younger, and yes up to 10 years older. ( I know)
I have had 0 long term involved relationships in this time, but dated a few men over periods of time, "Relationship Kind Of", when at the time I was probably still too busy with my family and vice versa ...
So for the past years this is what I have done. Took the time go get my divorce, Took the time to get my kids grown up and out. Took the time to learn about myself. And here are a few questions I have that when I think about them my mind just goes around in circles. I would appreciate posters thoughts ...
1. When I meet men, (assuming we like each other) if a man is a yes, this is what seems to happen most often. If I really like a man but I don't feel that strong ... wanting to have an intimate connection, leading to a relationship, they can fall into a friends category. (No FWB) The men I meet, that I do have that wanting to be intimidate, leading to a relationship connection with I usually know early as this feeling is strong for me. But it just seems to me that the men I like as friends, want more ... and the men I would like more with are only interested in being friends. Am I missing something here?
(This is A BEFORE SEX ACTUALLY HAPPENS QUESTION Yes many men who would not like a "relationship would love sex" I am not asking about that. )
2. A couple of men that I did have relationships with ... sort of, and a few attempts this is one thing I noticed. Some men I was intimately with ended in an :~0 for me, and some it just didn't happen. :~( but that did not seem to be any factor in a man whom I connected or attached to in that emotional womanly way. Is that weird or what?
3. Because my kids are grown I usually and mostly only date men with a grown family also, or men without children. Men without children are very often Never Married. Three times my interest has been theses men who were never married, but I don't know whether it is that I perceive a lack of commitment ability or if it was a figment of my imagination. I just figure that they are 50 now so it is likely they have had lots of great women come and go through the years, and I am just probably no different. Draw away. I think I sometimes feel it is a waste of time to date a man who is 50 or so, never married. Am I wrong? If I am not wrong, tell me different.
Comments and Thoughts and Opinions would be Welcomed. | |
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| Relationships 101 .... 3 Part Question
Posted: 11/24/2007 1:40:10 PM | 1) This seems like a 'Chemistry 101' question to me ... one of the unanswerable questions of life. I couldn't describe the 'chemistry' I'm attracted to (sure a few physical attributes can be described but the sum of the equation is beyond simple description); I'm sure I haven't a chance to describe yours. Like you, when it's there I know it ... the secret is to find that ellusive 'other half of the chemical equation'. Fate, destiny, pure chance ... I don't have a clue where the answer lies.
2) Clarification required ... is the question whether or not 'getting sent to the moon' should be a factor in your feelings toward your partner??
3) As I don't fall into their catagory, I can't answer for them definitively, but I would think that if a guy makes it to 50 without ever being 'hitched' he is either commitment-phobic or has some attributes that make him 'less than perfect' as a hitching post. Individuals are individual ... we each have our stories, and none fit easily into generalities. Every twist in the trail have left their marks, and no two paths are the same.
Took the time go get my divorce, Took the time to get my kids grown up and out. Took the time to learn about myself.
I'm heartened by the path you've chosen. Line up your ducks. Get to know yourself. Just keep in mind that getting to know yourself is an on-going process ... every twist offers a new opportunity to learn.
Norm | |
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| Relationships 101 .... 3 Part Question
Posted: 11/24/2007 2:02:15 PM | OP, on #3 you're definitely wrong.
I've never been married, have no problem with commitment (even at my "advanced" age) , and I'd commit to the right woman if she came into my life, was also interested in me, and was available.
My standard for marriage is for life, and I've always had the sense to see that for a relationship to survive that long, and not eventually turn into simply an unfulfilling endurance test, there has to be certain qualities, compatibilities and values that we both share beyond simply starting out being in love.
I've just never found a woman who:
A. has these qualities, compatibilities and values
B. that actually wants me (and not some other guy)
C. who is available
I'll never give up that someday it will happen, but in the meantime I've never "settled" and married the wrong woman just to fulfill a social norm of what is expected. | |
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| Relationships 101 .... 3 Part Question
Posted: 11/24/2007 2:05:58 PM | #1 you might be missing out on some of these guys that you label friends. They might make great partners if you give them a chance.
#2 don't understand the question
#3 Yes, you are wrong. I am in this never married category, but it is not lack of commitment ability, it is not finding a person that I thought it would work with. When I did find that special person, something terrible happened to her. I will keep looking because I do want to get married to the right person. | |
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| Relationships 101 .... 3 Part Question
Posted: 11/24/2007 2:09:48 PM | 1. Make it clear to the guys that you're looking for something romantic, not just friendship. As soon as a relationship starts to get watered-down, it's probably time to move on. There's nothing more frustrating than blurring the lines between friendship and relationship.
2. You were pretty ambiguous in asking this question, but I'm going on a hunch. Your experiences are not surprising at all. Orgasm is a physiological response that is not necessarily based on your romantic feelings. Again though, you probably should decide if you even want to be open to a guy where a legitimate relationship (romance, etc) is not a factor.
3. 50-year-old guys who have never married may be OK, but you'll probably want to (at some point) try to find out why they never married. They should be able to tell you that, and hopefully, the reason is not something extreme or weird. | |
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| Relationships 101 .... 3 Part Question
Posted: 11/24/2007 2:16:04 PM | I did the same thing. Although, I did try dating early on, but quickly realized it wasn't fair to me, him (whoever), or the kids. So I got them out the door and on their way, then spent some time learning about the "me" without a mate or kids depending on me.
I'm VERY glad I did, BTW. I have no regrets about waiting.
#1 - I agree that if that "spark" isn't there, it isn't going to come later. Someone who says to "give the guys you see as friends" a chance doesn't quite get that you feel no sexual attraction to them. They're friends...that's it. I haven't experienced it from the other way around (yet).
#2 - Wierd? Well, it would be to me. If you're not being satisfied, then there's a problem. And I'm not interested in someone I'm not sexually compatible with.
#3 - I think this is largely true. If someone has reached that age and never committed...I'd think the bar is way too high for me...or....the bar is way too low for me. I don't automatically rule them out, but I've found them to be too much of a mismatch for me in every instance so far. | |
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| Relationships 101 .... 3 Part Question
Posted: 11/24/2007 6:15:10 PM | 1. Just about almost everyone feels this way.
2. Actually, it's normal.
3. Plenty of men who are 50 and never married, are actually more respectful than your average man. Some men who never married, often did not date very much. Very often, these men were told by their mothers to not marry a woman, get her pregnant, and leave her. So they were careful to not marry a woman, or get her pregnant, unless they were sure it was for life. As very few relationships seem to last for life, many of these men never got married. Some of these men are ideal for a relationship.
Edit: Not all women are advisable for entering into a relationship with a man who has never married. A man who has never married, still hopes to meet the "love of his life". If you have given up on that, because you were married before and if didn't work, and now you just want sex and someone to go out with, and you MIGHT consider love down the road, then you would find you are at loggerheads. If you are not yet jaded by relationships, and you still believe in "love eternal", then you might find that you have more in common with them than you think. | |
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