| | How do you handle "not so good" things in your profile?Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | | I've been very open and up front about being an ex-convict. Maybe because it haunts me and has kept me from getting glamorous jobs and various other things in life. Nearly everyone has skeletons in their closet. Many would be surprised at the conversations I've had with people who have opened up to me and felt like a weight was lifted off their shoulders. Yet, others have come back as if they were so far above me that I should be on my knees in their presence. So, how should a person handle true honesty, all those dirty little secrets most intelligent people hide or ignore? STD's, undesireable family members, things you wouldn't want the public to know but a partner should know before you even get out on a date???? | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 8:23:54 PM | If you can write back and forth enough times to actually feel comfortable enough to GO out on a date..that..is when "some" of those very private things should be brought up. I always wait for "the right time" to talk about extreme intimacies..rather than blurt things out when you may not "hit it off" after the first meeting. No point in opening up closet doors and spilling all the skeletons out if things aren't going to go any further. If the subject comes up..then by all means be honest. Putting something as private as being a convict on your profile can possibly be destructive. Hiding it later would be.
One last thing..your time has been served! You may need a little therapy..or a support group to help ease your conscience and get yourself back into the mainstream..and not just your body.
Good luck to you! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 8:52:19 PM | I'm not ashamed of my life anymore but I do have shitty self esteem, always have and alot of fears things I still haven't beat, I'm mentally ill but so what? It's entertainning very entertainning..I'm a good friend to have..I wouldn't mind making love again someday it's been over 5 years but it doesn't rule me...I'm a very honest guy..That's how I handle everything. To me I'd rather be honest..I used to have to look over my shoulder. I didn't like it..Here's to you friend Byrd | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:03:29 PM | Thanks for the post! I could probably benefit from therapy but I don't have much faith in therapy. It's kind of like hypnotism....if you're not convinced it will work then it won't. I just know that there is no one who does not have issues and some of us do/don't have the ability to handle the problems other people have had to live thru. Not being able to accept the pitfalls of life is not a good thing. I really don't know if I have a problem accepting things or if its the opposite that I am very happy that I am able to be open and talk about it publicly. I just would hate it if someone thought I was coming out as if I were bragging about it. I'm definitely am not. I just hate the scene when people go stupid when they find out that I'm not mr. perfect and treat me like I'm some kind of joe monster when in reality I'm the one who they would love as a next door neighbor and the one they would most want to take care of their kids for them....it's the ignorance that gets to me....
So, what you're saying is that maybe I should keep it private until in a private chat or go out to meet someone I've met online? Spell it out and don't blurt it out???? | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:10:58 PM | | Byrd...I can see from your profile that you've had a highly unusual life and can understand why you have issues. Damned Bubba! You need to get out of that neighborhood. The really crappy thing about life is that you can't erase the past and hiding it doesn't do much good. The good thing is that you can go on and keep on giving and living. Not letting traumatic experiences hold you back or rule your life is like throwing rocks to stop a freight train....it might work, but don't count on it!...just get the heck out of the way and let it pass you by so you can be on your way again....don't jump out in front of it and let it run over you! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:23:18 PM | Well Bob..waiting until "the right moment" would be how I would handle anything that was private or personal..and not something that was immediately detrimental for one and all to know. Just as if someone were disabled or had a scar that wasn't visible in a pic. Wait for the moment to arise to discuss it..if it arrives. Blurting it out may mean your honest..may mean you've changed and become a new and better person from/for it..but..is it absolutely necessary to put it on your profile? I would think not. Let women find out what you're like NOW..not what happened in your life 30 years ago. The person they're talking with now is the one they may want to go out with..not that person from 19?? Then..should the conversation come up..should the woman want to know about your past or you feel she should..maybe starting out something like this might help you..example; A long time ago I made a mistake..I paid dearly for it..but most of all..I learned from it. I have never made that mistake or one like it since. Lesson learned. Then..let her ask what. If you feel comfortable with the details..then follow through..while watching her face allllll the time for reactions..then..react appropriately. Allow her the chance to make comments..or ask questions. Ease your skeletons out..that's what I do.
Hope this helps you a little. Yep..and smile..smile..smile! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:32:07 PM | | Thanks. I think your advice is very well taken and very good. I certainly do not think posting that I'm an ex-convict is a selling point! Looks like I might be changing my profile...maybe even my name to kind of freshen up my start. I definitely want to get my life back together and the sooner the better. I've been dating one woman and not very comfortable with the relationship....so, getting out in the real world via the internet is the best, easiest, and safest way I know how....otherwise, in the age group we're in it's like fishing in a creek that has very few fishes and your hook is a bit rusty.... | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:43:11 PM | | I make up deep dark secrets so that when I lower my voice, lean close and confide it creates a special feeling of intimacy and trust. I have to make them up because I have none otherwise. I find you have to have something to confide or you would seem like you were holding back. Nothing bad goes in my profile. On dates I rarely speak. The disclosure of fictional secrets comes at a major relationship milestone, like when we make our first stop together at a gas station, or if one of us is donating the other a kidney. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 9:49:53 PM | Honesty is always the best policy, that's why it's a cliche. Spilling your guts in a personal ad, probably not so much.
Unless you're a convicted murderer or something along those lines. That should probably be in your profile. lol
Let them get to know you, but I wouldn't wait more than 1 or 2 dates before bringing the subject up.
Semi On Topic: It never ceases to amaze me that in a society which encourages rehabilitation, growth and recovery it can be most judgemental when someone in your situation shows up, as if all of a sudden none of that matters? A good buddy of mine since childhood was arrested back in his early twenties and it's followed him for life. One mistake and he's never gone down that road again, but he's missed out on jobs, relationships, etc because of it. He is unquestionably, one of the most stand-up guys I know and deserves a lot better from society than to be treated as an outcast.
Good to see you turning your life around and I wish you the best. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:21:58 PM | I read your profile before reading the rest of the thread. No mentioning any negative stuff. Good for you.
Like others have said, don't spill your guts on top of their shoes when you first walk up and say hello. Timing is everything.
Alot of people have parts of their history they wish they had never had to live...but they did. Let it go...I know, easy for me to say. But really and truly, not knowing your particular circumstance, we're all in the same boat...really.
Good luck, sweety! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:26:13 PM | "others have come back as if they were so far above me that I should be on my knees in their presence."
No one can make you feel like you are describing above unless you let them.
Good self esteem will remove any worries about what others think.
"all those dirty little secrets most intelligent people hide or ignore? STD's, undesireable family members, things you wouldn't want".................
Sorry to break it to you, but there are lots of people are hideong nothing because they haven't done anything that needs hiding. Some people were happy to work and live their lives without drama. I hear quite often the type of statement that you are making. Some of us just lived our lives in a way that left us free to sleep at night because our self esteem was more important to us than doing things that we shouldn't.
Ok, you have done your time, and moved on. Good for you. For you own sake, I hope you are able to forgive yourself, and stop judging yourself, and others as to how people are reacting to you.
We are all going to get people who act like they are better than other people. What they think isn't a problem unless we believe them. A time will come when people like that will seem funny to you. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:51:44 PM | Moraima's right ~~ some of us have led incredibly boring lives. Which doesn't necessarily mean we're judgmental. I know some amazing stuff about a lot of peeps. Sometimes, listening to amazing stuff from others feels like my life-path.
No doubt there are those who *will* bolt. But also those who won't. And no work on a relationship is ever lost. Even those that don't go where you wish. All soul work is good work.
I would have thought of myself that a revelation of time in prison would have caused some kind of withdrawal on my part, or reconsidering, at least. When it did happen, I knew and loved the soul well enough, the only effect was to make me want to hug him. We didn't make it, but it was his choice, not mine, and I don't think that played any part.
Hang in there, chances are your lady's out there somewhere. Keep on looking.
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 10:56:10 PM | awwwwwwww it is ignorance forsure in others lil fishy...do not accept others
reactions as being any part of what you deserve...you deserve to start with truth and have the confidence to understand...not everyone want's or will begin to understand unless they want/choose to...
And yeah colorful lives are hard to translate to others who have no experience in relating to others with colorful ugly pasts...
don't feel to bad lil fishy. I know the feeling and i do not have a criminal
background but i sure have enuff ugly crap to make them jump out of the boat pretty dang quick...and like you i would rather lay it down and let them choose cuz i will not waste my time on a human who is not OPEN to discovering the person who grew from all that ugly stuff from the past...and if they can't handle that concept of human growth then get off my dang boat cuz your just DEAD WEIGHT seeking from others...
I am of the opinion adults know from the get go... life is everchanging and stuff from past is simply ground to learn about how that person can cope with bad and come out a SURVIVOR....and if they choose to go with another who has never been tested by life and bad stuff well then they are not the correct human to begin with..now are they...
Wisdom comes from coping with bad things...and if they choose to pass wisdom there loss...hang in there and do not ever pretend the expectations we have in life are ever determined by others...it is our expectations of our own growth that they require but they think it is factors from past...well let them take those facts and assume and let the door not hit there azz on the way out...
Two thumbs up to folks who have bad past and NOT allow others to determine your value as a human...that is soley the job of number 1...  and if that person is open to understanding.... then they will and if they aren't ....they make great fish food...chuckles... smiles i hear ya...but just think now...
ya aren't wasting time pertendin and they are only entertainment and practice for the human some day who will UNDERSTAND... it's a chitty job but someone has to do it... good for you for being truthfull and letting those who are small walk without you having to get your hands dirty...bonus points for being honest and showing others the truth will set you free....
 good for you integrity is biult on honesty not kind of honest...seek and you will find a match human who is not small minded... | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/24/2007 11:47:47 PM | "Two thumbs up to folks who have bad past and NOT allow others to determine your value as a human"
All of us regardless of what we have or haven't done need to do the above.
We value ourselves, and the rest just doesn't matter. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:03:38 AM | Hmmmm....lotsa fine philosophy here... reality check...and hope it don't bounce!
Never had the blessed life of boring and no drama....that's the life I was after way back when! Gimme a boring life any day as long as I don't have to do the same boring job day after day! I definitely would have been happier with a little less excitement and fewer heartbreaks! I'm about 3/4 done on earth and sure hope the remainder is kinder to me. I definitely appreciate all the words from you forum persons/buddies... thanks bunches! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:02:38 AM | Moraima..
We're talking about on a profile. Not what should be stated in an e-mail..IM..or face to face meeting or date with someone. How much info and what good does any negative info on a profile do for someone that wants to date? This is the PAST..not the present or the future. Everybody has some negativity in their past at our age. Boring has nothing to do with it. I'm sure even you have something negative being a widow. Would you describe the death of your spouse on your profile? Yet..if you were to start a communication with or begin to date someone and they asked..would you tell them then? Something tells me..that would be a better time to ease that out. That isn't being partially honest..or being ashamed. That's good common sense. Let's people know you aren't dwelling in the negative or living in the past. Negativity begets negativity! Positive points on your profile aren't a cover-up..lie..or a mark of lesser integrity. It's not being overtly blunt about something that happened alonnnnnnnng time ago. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:46:14 AM | Oooopsy..nearly forgot..simply single..
If you like being so open..where's your pic? Nice to tell others to be open and blunt..tell the world that you had an extremely negative experience in your PAST..right on your profile..and yet..you don't even have a pic on yours!
Bob..
This isn't a loss of integrity..or honesty..this is not being negative. Ever hear you can attract more bees with honey than you can with vinegar? Putting anything negative in your profile will determine less dates..period. This isn't a matter of forgetting who you are either..or having someone determine that for you. You know who you are already and you know only you can determine self-worth. That would be why it's called SELF-worth. Jumping the gun into negativity isn't giving a woman a chance to know who you are..but what you once did. As you stated..that is no longer who you are..and their was that one incidence. You also don't owe anybody your past..or details of it in a profile. Remember..it's a profile! Too much info is just that..too much!! Try using the k.i.s.s. rule..keep it short and simple. Nobody wants to read a book..and nobody wants to see alot of negativity about someone elses past. I wouldn't put down the contents of my divorce..or past loves in my life..negative or positive. Not everyone can relate to someone who has spent any amount of time in jail or prison..but..they can all relate to it being the past. Try to keep that in mind as well.
What you need to do is be choosey..weed the garden (as it's called) for the right woman..after you actually start e-mailing women..or if you get one from any women. Be clear and precise on your profile. Don't dwell in the past..negative or positive. You need to be able to show that you've moved on..and live in the here and now..but look forward to a GREAT future that you deserve. Try to stay positive..don't sugar-coat..but keep an open mind yourself. You may find a woman that doesn't feel the past has any bearing on the future..rather than dwell in it or the negative aspects of it. Relax..and enjoy the dating experience.
Plenty of time to ease out all the facts later..while actually talking with or meeting with a woman. If she says it's a no-go..it wasn't meant to be..pick yourself up by the boot straps and move on. Who knows..maybe she's done something in her past that she wouldn't put on a profile either. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:22:22 AM | Bob, I agree with most of the others. It is important to be honest about your past but I would wait until the end of the first date or between the first and the second date. It's not a matter of dishonesty.........there are some things that you don't want to share with strangers but do want to share when you meet someone that you might want to start a relationship with...........
One of the nicest guys I know had a prison record. He spent 20 years and I never asked him why. What I do know is that he changed. He became a guy who was mature, responsible and could be trusted.
I had a discussion with this with my boss the other day. On every job application, it asks if you have an arrest ......... A lot of people lie about it on the applications and it's an automatic no hire if they lie. So I asked her if she would hire someone who WAS honest and she stuttered! If our society doesn't give ex cons a chance to build a decent life by giving them chances for jobs, how can they change and become good members of society?
There are just plain bad and evil people out there who will never stop being evil. But not every ex con is like that. And it takes a lot of guts and determination to build a good life once you have a record so give yourself a lot of credit for changing your life!
Best of luck to you! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:49:59 AM | After I responded to OP, I felt that I had to share a little about how I handle not so good things in my profile. Twenty years ago, I had so many things happen in my life out of the blue ( mulitple deaths, the arrest of a loved one, losses) that my life was like a soap opera. And a lot of those things changed my life forever in negative ways. The trial alone dragged on for ten years..........(no, I was not the one arrested.....)
Today very few people know what I went through and I rarely talk about any of it except for the good memories. I've learned not to dwell on the bad ones and to embrace the good ones.
However when I meet someone who I feel I might be getting into a real relationship with, then I do have to explain a few things because it's very hard for people who get close to me to understand why I don't have a family now when I obviously did have a loving one for many years.
So far, it's never prevented a relationship from going forward. In fact, in my last relationship, I think it made him love and admire me even more ......... because he realized how much grief I had to go through alone and yet I had still managed to keep a good attitude and a love for life and people.
He didn't see it as something to run away from ......... He saw it as proof that I had the integrity and strength of character for him to know that I would be there for him if he ever needed me............. And I know now that if someone loves me, they will see it that way, too........... | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 4:04:37 AM | I think your profile is simply an ad or the listing of ingredients on a box. Put in what you are like and leave it at that.
There is no need to broadcast skeletons to the world and it would just draw the self righteous to demonstrate their admonishing skills.
When you find and understanding partner, those things in the closet are accepted as part of you instead of turned into things about you to fear.
I say the time to divulge those unpleasant memories is when you can trust who you are telling. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 8:35:16 AM | " I'm sure even you have something negative being a widow. Would you describe the death of your spouse on your profile? Yet..if you were to start a communication with or begin to date someone and they asked..would you tell them then? "
Yes, I am a widow who has long since moved on it all the info anyone needs. If they need to hear a blow by blow of someone's death, they are too weird for me.
Comparing being a widow to being a criminal??? Being a widowed isn't something someone chooses, nor is it anything to be ashamed about. No sentence of punishment is given for staying to being a primary caregiver. I have no idea where such a comparison would come from.
I am an upfront practical women. That I am widowed shows in my profile.
Maybe we need a catagory: Been in jail Yes No.
After all the drug question is there.
I think people are judged by how they present what they do about their past as much as by what happened in their past.
If someone says this and this happened in my past, it's over, and not part of my life anymore, it is a lot different that going on about the hell they have been through. If we still need to complain about the past, it is also being carried in our present. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 9:34:33 AM | Dear red...who are you to ask for my picture...you want to pretend your an authority on dating go for it...i do not want dates with humans who can not relate...any part of that you miss...
And what am i hiding...this post is for you hun...my partner slit his own throat...do you think i am hiding something...just cuz i do not have a public picture for
YOU i assume you can read..oh bad me...
Being open in conective energy has nothing to do with a personal image darlin...it has to do with you trying to seek my energy...personal boundry and she slides off the glass. now i strongly sugest before you select my name in your post you investigate my history of posts cuz i do not pretend to be an authority on anyones dating...i simply am an authority on MY DATING...so i have a special gesture just for you.
Do not pretend your the authority on opinions sweetcheeks cuz opinions are like azzholes.....everyone has one. 
and for the record dear...if your dumb enuff to give trust to a picture on a internet dating site...i doubt i have much to say to YOU!!!
to all the lil fishy who are hiding cuz of suicide...i choose to be the example....yes dear red ....the strength of character is indeed the champion of justice...now bring it if you think you have the jam....chuckles...chucks red to corner and does the chicken walk....
the stigma to folks who have been part of the process understand the stigma...all the rest can only guess....so i choose to nail that stigma....and it is done by sharing those facts so others can feel comfortable with the coping tools of society....
smiles.....and when we tell people to not talk about it...it increases the stigma attatched to it...ring those bells people cuz that person choose a short term solution to a long term problem is not something I NEED TO HIDE.... | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 9:56:27 AM | | I think redarcangel answered your question pretty thoroughly. At least I think she's right on the money. You could do what I did, and ask a female stranger on here, directly too. I got about the same answer as redarcangel gave you. | |
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