Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Why DO men talk about other women?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 1
Why DO men talk about other women?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Really, I want to hear this answer from the guys. Have a woman to man chat here with me.

I always assumed it was a way to keep me at arms length, to make damn sure I'm not going to try to get too close....it really works too!

A male coworker told me, oh no, it's because he wants me to try harder.....like I will work extra hard to prove I'm better than those other girls......

Tell me the truth, men, be honest with yourself and the ladies and let us in on the secret powers that mentioning exes holds....guess what bothers me most about it is that it brings it out of me....I bring up other men very intentionally and watch very intently the look on his face....see how that feels? sort of thing.

I "dated" a man for 7 years once and EVERY single day he evoked the presence of 3 women he had been involved with, mentioned them every every day. Never let him know it bothered me that he brought up the "dead wives" (i like to call them) until the day I got fed up with it and dumped him....

If I have a better idea of how this works for a man maybe I will be able to deal with it in a manor less painful for both he and me.
 strangerstill
Joined: 12/20/2004
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 11:50:57 AM

I "dated" a man for 7 years once and EVERY single day he evoked the presence of 3 women he had been involved with, mentioned them every every day.


I think of the women that I've been involved with almost as much. They were all big parts of my life. However talking about them for 7 years goes beyond normal.
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 3
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 11:55:40 AM
So there's no motive? It's that they were such a huge part of his life? Oh. Ok.

It made me feel "dissed" tho.
 strangerstill
Joined: 12/20/2004
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:01:04 PM
I doubt there's any motive that involves you but talking about these women every day after 7 years is abnormal in my opinion. It's one thing to mention them every once in a while but bringing them up every day is just odd.

I met my ex wife when I was in a rebound situation. For the first year we were together I bet I called her by my previous girlfriend's name at least twice a month.
 paulguy
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 5
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:09:26 PM
i also believe that bringing up these women every day is odd. but, what i find to be even more odd is your response to it. you didn't tell him it bothered you, so he probably figured it didn't. you let it fester for 7 years until you blew up and left him. why didn't you tell him it bothered you.

ladies, we men are not mind readers, if you don't tell us something bothers you, we wont know. i would have suggested that you tell him it bothers you. then if he continued, it is obvious he had no respect for your wishes.

personally, i think about my exes often, but i don't usually bring them up in conversation.
 dashriprock223
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 6
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:15:17 PM
Ok....so I'm just verifying....

In SEVEN.....as in the number SEVEN.....SEVEN WHOLE YEARS you NEVER brought up the fact that him talking about other women BOTHERED YOU?? SEVEN YEARS??? And then without a word, you just DUMPED him because of it.....?? SEVEN YEARS, huh?? Just out of curiosity... During sex...was he "just supposed to know where to go" too?? Unless you're actually MUTE, I think you've officially won the award for the longest non communcative GRUDGE on the planet!! Way to go for showing the world how truly BETTER women are at communicating their thoughts than men........

BRAVOOOO
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 7
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:17:31 PM
Oh, I know it was lame of me to not tell him I thought he was rude, but, I wanted to stay at the "arm's length" I guess....

So far the answer is!!!! Because guys think of their exes a lot.

Why would YOU mention them (if you did mention them) tho, is what I want to know.
To keep emotional distance, to make competion, because you think of them always??

Why?
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 8
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:20:49 PM
sheesh! dudes can be such creeps....

I ask a simple question, ok, not simple, but a meaningful question and you are trying to shift the focus onto me?? He was an freeky hot awesome lover, that's why I let it go for so long. k?

And OF COURSE i mentioned that it bothered me! And I didn't BLOW up! Sheeesh!!

Is this question to hard on the honesty for you? if so I will delete.
 paulguy
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 9
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:26:07 PM
generally, if i have brought them up, it would only be as a conversational tool. meaning if i was telling a story about something we had done, it might first be important to know about some of her qualities so the story makes sense.

i would never use them as a relationship tool. that being to cause jealousy or competition, that is just bad for everyone.

i would suggest that you should steer clear of guys that use these tactics, they will tend to be controlling and manipulative.

i didn't mean that you blew up at him, i mean that the situation blew up, or came to a head,so to speak. and you were the one that said you didn't let him know it bothered you, so i assumed you meant that you never said anything. sheesh

 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 10
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:27:38 PM
Ok, I did write that I NEVER mentioned it bothered me. I did mention it....of course I mentioned it, I wasn't like pissed about it or anything, it just made me feel distant, like I couldn't and shouldn't get close, so I didn't and dumping him was easy for me because I wondered if i ever really held a candle to Kathy, or Sarah, or Melissa....
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 11
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:29:44 PM
Thank you for insight, Paul.

I'm not here to be judged, I need advice, and yours is good. I should steer clear and avoid.
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 12
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:40:12 PM

I "dated" a man for 7 years once and EVERY single day he evoked the presence of 3 women he had been involved with, mentioned them every every day. Never let him know it bothered me that he brought up the "dead wives" (i like to call them) until the day I got fed up with it and dumped him....


Can I ask, what does it say about your *own* communication skills when you can say you "never let him know it bothered you"... "until the day I got fed up and dumped him"???

I mean, wouldn't you think it would be far healthier in a relationship to actually *talk* about the things that bother you, and maybe give him a chance to comprehend how it makes you feel, rather than hiding your true feelings about it?


I bring up other men very intentionally and watch very intently the look oh his face... see how that feels? sort of thing


Are you saying that to him? Or are you just playing a "game" and trying to "make him see how it feels" without actually *talking* to him about your feelings?

I mean, it sounds to me like you're taking the approach of "its not his problem, its something I just have to learn to deal with", while you slowly build resentment about it, until eventually you blow up and end it, basically with the attitude of "I thought I could deal with it, but I can't" - which of course by not making it at least partially *his* problem, and trying to "not say anything and deal with it all yourself", eventually *did* make it his problem, because now he gets dumped.

I don't get it, how do you hope to ever have a healthy relationship if you can't openly and honestly communicate your feelings? Even your last sentence, OP...


If I have a better idea of how this works for a man maybe I will be able to deal with it in a manor less painful for both he and me.


You don't want to know how it works for "a man", what you want is to know how it works for the man you are with. And uh, that kinda requires communication. You'll get 100 different viewpoints here in the forums, and quite honestly maybe *none* of them will be what your particular ex was "thinking". The only way to actually know that is to actually have communication and conversation, honesty and openness, in the relationship while you are in it.
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 13
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:46:32 PM
I will probably never tell a man how he should talk, or think or feel.....i do just want to know why...that's all....just why? And it's not just my ex....it's a current issue....I do think I came to the wrong place though for answers. Seems to be a major shift in focus from the question to my inability to express myself and how I handled the situation.

Me thinks I'm in the wrong place and I am going to have to delete thread because I'm getting no answers here just advice of the unsolicited type......
 Bikerscum
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 12:52:22 PM
Because we learn real fast that once we let you know that we love you and can't live without you, you lose all interest, and simply plan on emptying the "joint" bank account and get some freebies on the way out.
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 15
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:04:21 PM
I will probably never tell a man how he should talk, or think or feel.


Who is saying you should be *telling* him how he should talk, think, or feel?

I don't think any of us are saying that, what we're saying is that if its an issue between the two of you, then it should be discussed between the two of you. You should be *asking* him why he talks about it, how he thinks & feels.

I talk about ex's... usually to talk about, for instance, being in love and being cheated on, and that I'd rather be "just walked out on" than cheated on. Does it mean I'm "hung up on her", no, I haven't talked to her in years, but we were together a long time, so its a big part of my "experience". And yes, sometimes I can bring it up not even *thinking* about how you might feel about it, not in any type of "manipulative" way, but just because its a part of *my* past that I can use and relate to as an example. In Elementary school I was pushed off the slide sideways and fell face first into a rock, got 22 stitches in my gum... so if you just had a root canal and are in pain with your gum stitched up and gauze in there, and I mention that experience, does that mean I'm "permanently traumatized/hung up over my childhood accident"? And if *you* don't ask and don't communicate that it bothers you, I certainly am not a mind reader...

On the other hand, if you said "you know, it really bothers me when you talk about her", the first thing I'd say is "oh, I'm sorry, I was just using it as an example... if you want, I'll try my best to never talk about her again if it bothers you... I didn't know." Its not you "telling me to change, it would be me "offering" to change (which, if I cared, I would, because I wouldn't intentionally be trying to do something that bothers you, I'd would be likely to be intentionally trying to *not* do things I know bother you).

I'm not saying its all your problem for not communicating. It could very well be his problem, unresolved issues with the ex's, etc... or it could just be his way of communicating based on his experiences, not knowing that it bothers you so much. But my point is, ask 1000 people here and you'll get 1000 different judgements, that he's hung up on his ex, he's still in love with her, he's holding you at distance, he's playing mind games, you're playing mind games, its not his issue its yours, you're just insanely jealous... and 995 other "opinions".

If you want a real answer, the only person that can give you that is the person in question. And based on his reply, response (does it change?), etc, you make your choice on the relationship. If he doesn't offer to change, and make the attempt, feel free to break up with him. On the other hand, if he didn't realize it, and afterwards makes an honest attempt to change (and maybe 'slips up' occasionally, and catches himself and apologizes, or not) its up to you whether to continue.


edit: VVV- Paul - " sometimes we are blind to our own actions or inactions and an outside source may be a valuable tool in opening our eyes to something that we maybe need to see."

Very well put. And I think that could apply to *both* sides... she could be blind to her own actions/inactions, and he could be blind to his own as well.

In fact, I enjoy having female friends just for that sometimes, when its "she's pissed off at me and won't tell me why" - I can talk with them and they could very well point out something I did that me, being a guy, would never have seen "that way" and never taken offense at. Of course, the fact that she "won't tell me why" has become more and more of a 'red flag' over the years for me, in that I've found it makes for an unhealthy relationship if it happens all the time (occasionally, of course "we all have our moments").
 paulguy
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 16
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:18:36 PM
actually, you can't delete a thread. anything you write is here for good.
no matter what you post here, people will always judge you. it wasn't my intention to judge you, but to point out a pattern of behaviour that may have exasperated the problem. sometimes we are blind to our own actions or inactions and an outside source may be a valuable tool in opening our eyes to something that we maybe need to see.
i will say this, while i agree that you should not tell a man how he should talk, think or feel. i do think you should say this is something that you will not tolerate. being assertive in your own wants and needs is not neccessarily trying to control someone else.
good luck to you.
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 17
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:20:01 PM
It's true....you're right. You also gave me a few more examples of reasons a dude might do this. I'm just trying to understand men.....I don't understand men. Hell, maybe I just don't understand me.....
 Bikerscum
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:22:22 PM
Men are easy to understand.

They're like floor tiles. Lay em right the first time and you can walk all over them for years.
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 19
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:24:49 PM
Can't delete??!! Eeek! Not like other forums......oops!

And I do thank you for opening my eyes and not being mean about it. One of these people were mean. I won an award.....I've never won anything before....tee hee.

And thank you for the luck wish, Paul.
 faeryangel
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 20
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:27:48 PM
Bikerscum!!! LOL Good one! Poor dudes.....poor all of us.....
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 21
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:30:48 PM
Heh, we don't understand you women any better faeryangel!

At least you are trying to question why, and whether you are overreacting or being sane. Quite honestly, I've been in enough relationships where I felt like "my opinion/feelings didn't matter" that I tend to be quite open with my feelings, and yes, maybe use the ex's for examples (and funny, a girl I've been chatting on here with has mentioned that sometimes it pushes her "jealousy" buttons, when thats not my intent - and we've talked about that)...

I don't think there are any "easy" answers, if there were we'd all have wonderfully perfect relationships, would have met our perfect partner at 20 and be happily married ever since! Hasn't happened for me yet, so I'm guessing I'm still learning.

edit: haha, or for those who remember the old David Carradine Kung Fu series: "this rice paper is the test, when you can walk its length and leave no trace, you will have learned" - Damnit, it keeps ripping every damn time so far!!! - No idea why that just came to me, if it offends anyone, I didn't mean to, honest!!
 Bikerscum
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:39:36 PM
It's a myth.

The only reason people stayed married in the old days was... the lack of the ability of divorce and/or the INCREDIBLE stigma against those that did.
 Bikerscum
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:41:42 PM
RE: Quite honestly, I've been in enough relationships where I felt like "my opinion/feelings didn't matter" that I tend to be quite open with my feelings,

Your opinions and feelings don't matter if you're a man. Just your money.

Well, don't get me wrong, your feelings DO matter, if they're a means to manipulate you and separate you from your money.

If a woman is with a man without money it's because there's something about his looks and/or intellect that will make other women jealous.
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 24
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:53:20 PM
^ Bitter much, Bikerscum?

Fyi, if it was all about the money, I'd probably have better luck dating, since uh, my net worth is fairly close to 7-figures at this point (although with the stock market lately it'll be a little longer than the year or so I planned to hit there). Then again, I suppose I have it in the first place because of my luck at dating... hmm, there are nice things about being single.

FYI, OP, as the "OP" of this thread, you actually might be able to get it deleted.. I've seen ones before that were, and I believe because the OP requested it of the mods. You could try if you wanted, in the report forum thread, or email one of the mod's directly and ask (I've asked questions before, they are helpful if you have a valid "rules" question).
 Bikerscum
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Why DO men talk about other women?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:59:34 PM
Advertise the money a bit more, and believe me, you'll get better luck in dating.

There's just something about being able to lay claim to half a seven figure bank account within a year or two that will inspire lust in a woman. For money.
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Why DO men talk about other women?