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| Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 6:24:20 PM | hULTIMATE POWER
I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3
cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It's stock,
alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro
around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by
surprise...
I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino
blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a
streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my
bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding
my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane.
I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition.
Ford Festiva -- a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb
feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.
The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the
driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my
driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast,
and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of
seven screaming cylinders...
Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three
pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as
smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential
was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout
gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right
front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as
his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in
it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge
(no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his
bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust --
probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust ... maybe event cutouts! Damn his hot-rod
soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our
boy-racer direction...
Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady
high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds
had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the
intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his
shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he
missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in
to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead,
now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so
easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost*
chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over
the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us,
but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye.
He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to
third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot
circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front
of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6"
chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted
a little to take the next corner.
I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty
steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in
carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the
left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt
the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel
slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up
front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ... The
Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife's car eased past him on the
outside, my P165/54R13's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next
light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my
driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car
meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority
reigns!!!
I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking
for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon
Van!
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 6:33:51 PM | | lmfao triker..this is an awesome read...I could feel the g's sitting next to you in the car :D | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 6:42:03 PM | | lol thanks i thought so too....wroom wrooom | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 7:54:58 PM | What Not To Say To A Cop
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
Say Hi to your wife and my kids! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 7:57:26 PM | | the one about keeping up with traffic, that's too familiar for me | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 7:59:05 PM | | OMG Triker!...I loved this!.....ROTFLMAO!....... | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 7:59:43 PM | | lol good thats why i did it we needed some laughter in here lol... | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 8:03:29 PM | Two muffins are in a oven
The first muffin says "gosh its hot in here"
The second Muffin says
"holy crap a talking muffin!"
Ok so i tried :| | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/7/2004 8:09:53 PM | This is lame but cute.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
Better hang onto your nuts this ain't gonna be no ordinary blow job. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 12:00:28 AM | I've got one that's even lamer.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
Hey, we do taste like chicken! | |
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Ruby_
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Joined: 7/10/2004
Msg: 11 | |
| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 12:04:05 AM | A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at
his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a
nearby table.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the
woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine
and sends a note over to the man.
Her note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have
a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches
in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of
his own back to her.
His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari
Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over
twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 12:10:01 AM | I got this as an email from a friend a while back:
I hate these hoax warnings, but this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, DO NOT DO IT!!!
This is a scam; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this warning yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.....
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Ruby_
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Joined: 7/10/2004
Msg: 13 | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 12:17:55 AM | I liked it. Here's one that I love. So true. Keep in mind a woman actually sent it to me.
A husband shopping center just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flight.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, here's a woman going to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door read: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend. But I wonder what's up above?". So she gets on the elevator and punches 2.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmmm, better and better," she says to herself, "but I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the house work. "Wow," exclaims the woman, "this floor is very tempting, but there must be more on up above."
Again, she gets on the elevator and heads up another floor. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the house work, and have a strong romantic streak. She says out loud, "Oh, mercy me! Just think what must be waiting for me on the next floor." So up she goes to the sixth floor.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 123,456,789,012,345 to the floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Mart and have a nice day. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 2:55:28 AM | | what's the last thing a red neck says be fore he dies? hold my beer and watch this! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 10:36:34 AM | When Canada geese fly in a V formation why is one side always longer than the other??
There are more geese on one side :) | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 18 | |
| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 10:47:46 AM | whats green and flies over england??????
SNOTZIES...
what did the mexican gyno say to the patient??
ooohh there might be a little chesse on the taco... | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 12:38:51 PM | Why do you feed your kids pork & beans on Friday?
So they can have a bubble-bath on Saturday! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 1:17:43 PM | THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
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I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
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Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
*************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
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Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.
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I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
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My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
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I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
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My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
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My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".
*******************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 2:41:50 PM | | Let a newbie try one here...what's better than winning the gold in the special olympics? Not being retarded, of course!! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 8:21:06 PM | A man of more than 90 years marries a young model. They are happy, except for the fact that he can't satisfy her in bed. After weeks of trying, they decide to seek professional help. Off to the doctor they go.
Upon hearing their problem, the doctor tells them "Here is what you must do. Go find a strapping young man. The next time you have intercourse, have the man wave a towel over your bodies."
Following the doctor's advice, the senior hires a handsome young man from a nearby gym. When they get home, they immediately head to the bedroom for some nookie. Unfortunately, the doctor's advice doesn't work, as the wife is still not satisfied.
The husband decides to change tactics. He grabs the towel and instructs the young man to have sex with his wife. The young man gets down to business, while the husband waves the towel for all he's worth. Shortly after, the young bride has an earthshaking climax.
The old-timer grins, shakes his head knowingly, and says "See, young fella? That's how you wave a towel!" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 11:03:01 PM | | Oh my god, that is so funny. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 11:05:26 PM | | An old woman was enjoying her 100th birthday party with her entire family, and was sitting at the head of a rather long table. About halfway through the dinner, Grannie starts to slowly lean to her left side. Quickly her son gets up from his seat and stuffs a pillow by her side to keep her from falling over. Minutes later, Grannie leans over again, but to her right. Up comes her son again, stuffing another pillow in the other side of the seat. Pretty soon Grannie starts to lean forward. Sure enough, sonny-boy to the rescue; he ties a belt around her and the seat to hold her in place. Then her great grand-daughter walks up to her and says, "Grammie, what's wrong? Aren't you having fun at your party??" The grandma leans as much as she can towards the little girl and says..."they won't let me fart!!" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 11:15:06 PM | ROTFLMFAO "...wont let me fart" that's priceless.
Here's one for ya.
a carl-oad of lesbians & a car-load of gay guys are in a race which one will finish first?
The lesbians. They get there lickety-split but the gay guys just poke-*ss around | |
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