real12
|
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 1 | |
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 2:03:15 AM | Seems a fairly straight forward question really & I realise this is a dating site & this thread may very well be akin to shooting myself in the foot, but its my nature apparently & in the end I guess I was more or less curious as to others experience with this. I just know that I have been lucky enough to have met some d*mn good women in my life & had chances to marry & all that but in the end its always the same, as soon as I get close I need to get away.
I used to think when I was younger that it had to do with that sense of losing ones' freedom, which I personally cherish, always have & always will, but at this age i'm starting to reflect a bit as I tend to often do the older I get it & i'm not so sure thats the sole reason.
Now, when it comes to a serious relationship i'm not talking about the monetary crap, doing the damn dishes or goin out buying your girl's tampons for her or taking out the freaking trash for that matter, i'm talking about the responsibility of someone elses feelings. Now maybe therein lies some selfishness, but that to me is overwhelming, to know that what I do or say can have such a profound affect on the feelings of another whom I happen to care for & may indeed love. To me its a massive responsibility to take on & yeah, i'm a little umm clumsy when it comes to all that.
You know it just seems to me that far too many get married & have kids like it was nothing, as if its such a simple thing to do & yet for me....well, I have always felt that if i'm gonna marry a girl, of which I only wanna do once, that I had better be d*mn sure that i'm going to love her only, love her fiercely & without restraint for the rest of her life, I mean its the way its supposed to be in my eyes & if its otherwise....well then its just not right. So yeah, just trying to get some diversity here from others who may feel the same. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 2:28:09 AM | | I'm not really sure if you are talking to much ,but you should focus on the positive site and you may have better chances in life | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 2:56:13 AM | Hi,
People are as strange and weird as love is.
I have a really good friend and he has gone through women like American's go through potatoes after his divorce of 20 some years, and it was a bitter and drag it out with guns hate flying everywhere kind of divorce.
Now all he talks about is all the beautiful women he could of settle that he dated after his divorce. He just thought they would keep coming his way. Now he is 55 years old and sits at his desk looking at the holes in his feet from all the guns he has shot, and he really doesn’t' t know what commitment is even though he was married 20 some years and dated for over 7 years.
Love is not jumping around and hopping into many beds with many beautiful women. A lifetime commitment to one woman is a scary thing for many men especially in the era we live in because of the availability (diversity) of so many single women!
On one hand, I feel sorry for him because he really can be a sweet person, but I feel sorry for him because while the women kept coming his way, he was getting older and older and the fun of the chase got as old has he got.
My point is commitment is not easy and staying with one person isn’t easy when there are so much beauty and fun out there… You need to find someone who suits you and that you can be in love with that does not strangle your life force out of you. I am not saying settle just for the sake of settling.
Some times too much of good thing can ruin a person’s life in the long run. Sometimes, it is far easier to find that special one and go from there instead of holding on so strongly to an independence that can only offer old age and loneliness. Just don’t settle, but find true love and hold on to it, because later it might never come around again.
I am out of time, Good luck!
Chela | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 3:01:55 AM | You know you can never have any guarantees of a tomorrow with anyone. All you can possibly have is a feeling of wanting more. Wanting to know more, to experience more, of not wanting to give up.
When you experience this with someone, you learn to take everything that comes with it. Maybe you just haven't experienced this yet, because if you have than everything else would just flow. Both the good and the bad.
We are all selfish in our own ways, but when you learn to give more than receive it's amazing just how balanced things become. There are portions of us that we will see and find that we never knew existed. We can only see these portions when we learn to give more of ourselves.
If I asked you what would do you think you would want more, Loving someone, or having someone love you, most would answer having someone love them. I on the other hand would answer, loving someone. I answer it that way because I know I can be selfish, but when I truly love someone, I get so much out of giving to them than receiving. To me, there is no greater feeling in the world than deeply loving someone. Yes, the ideal situation would be if they loved you back, but if given the choice between the two I would saying loving them more.
If you truly are a selfish person than you really need to try being unselfish and find out just how rewarding it is. Find out parts of yourself that you never knew existed. It's like having a revelation or something. If you have to fake it in the beginning to make it, than do it. You will see just how much you allowed your fears to overcome you, and just how rewarding it can be.
You can never think about forever with someone until you know these portions of yourself and what you are capable of giving.
That's my opinion anyway, I hope it made some sense to you. It's early and I am just having my coffee now LOL | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 3:22:45 AM | | Yes, I am afraid of losing myself. I am so happy alone that I'm afraid that if I let myself care for someone else, that I will lose that security in myself and suddenly my happiness and feelings will be tied into this other person. This other person will have the ability to get me down. Whereas if I don't care about anyone, I feel really free and happy. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 3:31:36 AM | finneganne I find that very sad. Everyone should experience the joy of truely loving someone if not just for them, but for yourself. You will experience things about yourself that you never knew existed.
We were created to love, if you have never experienced this than you are depriving yourself of what is the best of you. Loving someone is also a freedom, it's a freedom to release what you were made to do. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 3:58:40 AM | i agree with you, mostly, op. i like that you're being conscious and careful with who you love and want to join forces with one day...maybe.
just one thing to remember that I'm not sure you realize.
no one is completely responsible for another.
the one you are completely responsible for is yourself.
yes, of course you must be careful of their feelings, but remember they are their feelings....they are responsible for them.
if you both can remember this, then blaming them for anything, from happiness to unhappiness, and likewise, being blamed or the source of their discontent, is far less likely to happen.
the fact you've been careful and not rushed in is wonderful, I think, and helps make up for so many that are not so aware, especially when we are young.
it sounds to me like you are being wise and that's a very good thing.
all of life is about balance. balancing one's freedom is part of it....it happens to most, not just in relationships, but when we have children.
learning to love and be loved seems to be a prime purpose of life.
and learning how to be in tune with one's true nature, both in and out of relationship, is also part of the purpose.
to me, relationships are the greatest gifts and the greatest teachers.....all relationships - those that work or last, and those that don't. it's all learning. find another who is as conscious as you and who knows how much love will be generated!
oh, don't forget - you are what you seek - another can not provide what you can't yourself....another clue, in my opinion, as to what really is the key to a successful relationship.
basically, the more conscious and loving and accepting we are, the more conscious and loving and accepting our relationships will be. it seems external reality always reflects internal states of being (even if hidden behind heavy curtains). | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 4:01:10 AM | Everyone should experience the joy of truely loving someone if not just for them, but for yourself. You will experience things about yourself that you never knew existed.
We were created to love, if you have never experienced this than you are depriving yourself of what is the best of you. Loving someone is also a freedom, it's a freedom to release what you were made to do.
Been there, done that, got the house. Not eager to repeat. Loving a man is over-rated. Loving oneself is something I wish had been emphasized when I was a little girl instead of fairytale weddings and true love movie bull. But maybe there's a balance somewhere. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 4:35:15 AM | | I've always been willing to put my heart and soul into a relationship. I find, though, that there are people (like my ex) who soak up your love like a sponge but give little in return. They start taking advantage of the fact that you love them. After a while you get resentful, and that's the end of the relationship. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 4:39:26 AM |
If you truly are a selfish person than you really need to try being unselfish and find out just how rewarding it is
It didn't work very well for me. I understand the concept, I've heard this suggestion before but now... now I think it's questionable.
It's one building block in a shared social fantasy, a common belief system which, at a distance, appears solid as stone but dissolves into mist if you approach and examine. It only works if all participants avert their eyes from the fog. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 5:53:00 AM |
All you can possibly have is a feeling of wanting more. Wanting to know more, to experience more, of not wanting to give up.
And here is the "fear". This unquenchable thirst that isn't satisfied, and you keep wanting more.
I was afraid of that, and wasn't ready for it. Today I recognize it for what it is, and what it can become, but as said^^^ both people have to be selfless, and consider nothing but the other, while they are receiveing more than could could ever have hoped for. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 6:23:52 AM | Nahh...I'm not afraid of love...
(Startled) "Look...over on that wall! That splotch of red paint looks just like a heart...Oh no...I'm outta here..." | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 6:25:20 AM | afraid only of what some people CALL love.... did you ever see fatal attraction? | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 6:46:38 AM | | I am not afraid to love, but I am scared shitless of meeting another controller, liar, addict, or a fill-in-the-blank-for-your-favorite-dysfunctional type person. I have worked extremely hard the past three years to become a better person and someone who is not so gullible. No, I am not afraid to give my love and devotion to another, but it is damn hard finding someone who is worthy of it. | |
|
| |
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 7:30:42 AM | Thread title a little funny, depending on perspective. Gator's line, "Only two things I'm afraid of.......Women and the police."
As for love, what's not to love about love. Love turned is another story. As for tomorrow, can't ever say "it's tomorrow" cause it never is. Just today. Right up my alley as a practicing inspirationalist laying out unsolicited advice, making up words....
"Make the best of today. Rain or shine. Inner peace. Just find a way to find it. Good things will surely follow...if you let them."
See ya. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 7:35:10 AM | Yes, I am afraid of losing myself. I am so happy alone that I'm afraid that if I let myself care for someone else, that I will lose that security in myself and suddenly my happiness and feelings will be tied into this other person. This other person will have the ability to get me down. Whereas if I don't care about anyone, I feel really free and happy.
I agree with this. Most of my autonomous personality comes not from not so much SOs letting me down, but more from close family at a pretty young age. If can't do it alone, I'd rather not do it - depending on anyone for anything major is something I avoid at all costs. And in my mind if you can't count on family - who can you count on?
I don't seek involvement for three reasons: 1. because I am sporadic about relationships and don't want to compromise a lot of myself, which seems to be a requirement most times - that would just hurt someone else and waste their time; and 2. What Finneganne said - I don't want to lose my identity or sense of self by becoming too attached to someone else who might ultimately not have my best interests at heart.
I also agree that love in its purest form doesn't always have to be tied into a romantic relationships; being with someone doesn't always translate into an SO. Most of us should be lucky to have some good family and friends around. Some people aren't sure where they're going to eat or sleep, and IMO romance is a luxury compared to what we could be missing. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 8:27:44 AM | i tend to sabotage everything that begins to even LOOK like a relationship.
after a few years of doing this, i came to the realization that , not only do i feel better on my own, but that i won't reach any kind of authentic life experience if i feel the dynamic of emotional bonds with another.
i feel like the hermit card from the tarot deck. i love my self-imposed isolation wherein i can examine the purpose of humanity and fulfill my obligation as a woman living in western society. when someone needs me, i consider it almost an honor to serve in any needed capacity.
but to attach my self-worth to another person i can't do. nor do i want anyone to feel that i can affect their view of self. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 8:27:58 AM | | Men tend to love differently. Loyalty and devotion are very important. When women talk of loyalty they mean let's not cheat. When men talk of loyalty they mean something like forever and no matter what. It is not possible in many cases for the woman to return the level of commitment the man would give and require. Women have a reputation for being fickle in love. They love their children, but their men are considered masters to be tolerated. Men have the tradition of devoting their lives to their wives and families. In the man's view of an ideal marriage, the woman remains loving and devoted, as he would. In real life it is clear that women do not usually remain loving and devoted. When you sense the lack of capacity for commitment and when you doubt the woman is going to match your ideal, then the propsect of marriage is like buying a ticket for an airplane ride across the ocean when you know the plane has only half the required fuel. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 8:53:19 AM |
i'm talking about the responsibility of someone elses feelings. Now maybe therein lies some selfishness, but that to me is overwhelming, to know that what I do or say can have such a profound affect on the feelings of another whom I happen to care for & may indeed love. To me its a massive responsibility to take on & yeah, i'm a little umm clumsy when it comes to all that.
To love is to be emotionally vulnerable and to be able to do that you have to be emotionally available. You may be an emotion stuffer or have some old, unsolved conflicts. An understanding therapist could help you overcome those feelings and be able to love freely. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 9:00:01 AM |
Men tend to love differently. Loyalty and devotion are very important. When women talk of loyalty they mean let's not cheat. When men talk of loyalty they mean something like forever and no matter what. It is not possible in many cases for the woman to return the level of commitment the man would give and require. Women have a reputation for being fickle in love. They love their children, but their men are considered masters to be tolerated. Men have the tradition of devoting their lives to their wives and families. In the man's view of an ideal marriage, the woman remains loving and devoted, as he would. In real life it is clear that women do not usually remain loving and devoted. When you sense the lack of capacity for commitment and when you doubt the woman is going to match your ideal, then the propsect of marriage is like buying a ticket for an airplane ride across the ocean when you know the plane has only half the required fuel. Oh please...
I'm a woman and I was about emotionally committed at you could get in my marriage. I'm like that with all of my relationships actually. I think breaking it up into a male/female thing is a copout. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 9:36:28 AM |
Men tend to love differently. Loyalty and devotion are very important. When women talk of loyalty they mean let's not cheat. When men talk of loyalty they mean something like forever and no matter what. It is not possible in many cases for the woman to return the level of commitment the man would give and require. Women have a reputation for being fickle in love. They love their children, but their men are considered masters to be tolerated. Men have the tradition of devoting their lives to their wives and families. In the man's view of an ideal marriage, the woman remains loving and devoted, as he would. In real life it is clear that women do not usually remain loving and devoted. When you sense the lack of capacity for commitment and when you doubt the woman is going to match your ideal, then the propsect of marriage is like buying a ticket for an airplane ride across the ocean when you know the plane has only half the required fuel.
You know, I'm beginning to see some differences in approach and expression of love along gender lines... so I think you have a valid point here (with the usual caveat that it is not all women or all men).
Men do tend to express through duty and devotion... being in service to their loved ones. Hense why they often place emphasis on being a good provider, or the way they suck up a bad deal and kept on plugging away one-foot-in-front-of-the-other. Then feel betrayed, like the rug has been pulled out from under them, when this "isn't enough".
Women do tend to discount this and tend to express through emotional connection and perhaps, for some, shared activities. For them, being a good provider or being devoted isn't enough... it is more the "open to bid" and the value - or the expectation - is placed on "not being bored" or "maintaining connection or interests".
I can see how men might view women as being fickle in love. I see it in myself... one of my worst fears about relationships is exactly this, although I would express it differently. I want someone who shares our life together rather than just sharing an existence under the same roof. I know it is my responsibility to manage my own feelings - including boredom. And my responsibility to keep us connected in very real ways rather than succumbing to the daily grind of life. To thrive, not survive.
What, I whisper in the dark, if I am not up to the task? That no matter how much I want it, or how intense my desires are, that it does not work out? The answer, or so it seems to me, is to stay very focused on the now... creating the life I want each moment, each day in the choices I am intentionally making right now. I'll let you know how it works out in the fullness of time...LOL. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 9:43:22 AM |
I want someone who shares our life together rather than just sharing an existence under the same roof. The roof IS his love, in traditional terms. You own what is under it. He keeps the sky from falling. | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 11:36:33 AM | | I agree with you,and I hope you find that;however;you cant know what people will turn into...will they always take care of your feelings?That is the problem!Next time;Im going to marry in vegas,divorce him,and THEN decide if its real....ya dont REALLY know someone until ya divorce them! | |
|
| Are you afraid of love?
Posted: 11/28/2007 11:40:15 AM | | Not afraid of love, nope. You sound like a great guy. Don't settle. Ever. | |
|
Home
login 
