| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/29/2007 11:25:27 PM | I was in a serious relationship for 5 years. Everything seemed to be ok, we had some problems, but who doesn't then suddenly the day before I'm due to go back to Uni for my second year I get a dear John over the phone. I didn't get a chance to do or say anything about the end of the relationship or be allowed to know why. I was completely powerless and in the dark.
I tried to make my life work afterwards, but because of the shock of it and the situation I was in miles from anyone who cared about me I lost my job, messed up Uni and developed some bad health problems as a result of stress.
I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, but I certainly wasn't a bad one. Fine the relationship ended, but I didn't deserve the cruelty, punishement and 'no mercy' attitude I was shown at the end. From what I hear her life is so good without me and she doesn't care one bit about what happened to me. I've never felt so used, betrayed and rejected in that order in my entire life.
How do you get over something like this? Has anyone been in a similar situation? | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/29/2007 11:34:12 PM | Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!
Of course I'm joking...
These things take time. No set amount, time limits, or requirements to go through. When you're ready to move on, you will. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/29/2007 11:50:27 PM | From middle age wisdom, pretty much most of us on this site have felt some sort of rejection, betrayal, and being used.
First thing is to decide you weren't rejected... You are the only one that can reject you, the others like your ex just made a poor choice in not keeping with you. Her loss, and that is what YOU have to believe about yourself...
Next rule is to heal from within.. Love doesn't hurt, it is the bruised ego that comes with feeling hurt by someone else... This takes time, and at your age, you have a lot of time to do a heck of a lot of things...
Never assume that she is having the time of her life...Seems she was pretty gutless as to how she handled the "dear John" thing, and really that isn't the kind of person you want to call as a friend, or a lover is it?
Finally, God would be blessing you so greatly if you don't ever have to go through hurt again...However this is real life, and in real life, once again pretty much most of us have felt hurt over someone elses choices. It doesn't get easier, it just means we get stronger, and not put all are dependency of feeling good about ourself into someone elses hands...
Give it time, go out and do things you like...
Anytime I have been hurt, I allow myself a certain amount of grieving time, might start out with an hour, then I drop it down... I write all the things that hurt, the red flags I missed, the horrible things that person did, and why I am so much better off. Finally I find that I get so sick of reading re-reading about the hurt the other person left me with, that I just don't care any more... I make it a point NOT to try and keep up with what is happening with the other persons life, cause that only seems to prolong the attachment I felt.
Take you time... Before you know it, it will be What ever her name who???? | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 2:47:48 AM | I would reflect on the relationship.
It takes a while... but eventually you start thinking of all of the things that made the relationship "not the one." | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 3:12:31 AM | First of all, please do not take this as sounding harsh but as another poster indicated, you are getting the benefit of our 20+ years navigating these waters; wisdom that was gained by learning what is valuable for your own personal growth and what is a stupid waste of time and energy.
She broke up with you. She was shitty about it. You had no control over it, but you did have control over yourself. Now, you can either sit here and blame her for the other problems in your life, which were not her fault, or you can pick yourself up and become the man that you want to be so that you have something to offer someone else.
You are only 23, go back to school. Look at your relationship with her and decide where you believe you were a good boyfriend and where you need to work on things. And stop seeing her as the greatest thing since sliced bread. Do you really want to be with someone that quite frankly sounds like a heartless biatch?
Would you really want to find out that this is the core of her personality five years from now? She has given you an opportunity to find someone that is good enough for you, are you going to screw it up by wallowing in your misery over losing her? The bottom line is that you decide to get over it.
You look at the relationship and you see it's flaws, and you see hers. You decide who you want to be and become him as well as someone that a woman wants in her life. You see her as the woman you loved for five years but the woman she is is the one that dumped you on your ass, without caring how you felt, and without looking back.
My X can be a funny, affable, wonderful and loving person, but that guy only comes out to play a couple of times a year and during our marriage, only when he knew he had pushed me to the point of telling him to get out. While I wish the marriage had worked for my kids' sake, I am not sad that he is no longer in my life.
Do some thinking and open up those gorgeous eyes of yours, the right woman may be under your nose and you have wasted all this time continuing to grieve for someone who is clearly not a person you want to be around. And give yourself a break, you may have done nothing "wrong," some people don't need a reason to be hateful.
You didn't have control over what she did but you certainly have control over yourself and how you choose to let it affect you. And while you may not see it now, it is a choice. Get up every morning, paste a smile on your face, set some goals, and one of these days your brain will match your facial expression. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 3:32:10 AM | You have to tell yourself things like "if she can live without me, then i can live without her" and "i was born without her..." and so on.
If you did something to cause the breakup, for example cheat or not treat her well, then it's a little bit harder because you know things could have been different had you done the right thing. But life goes on and thankfully you have time to learn from your mistakes and better yourself.
Join a gym, start doing things you always wanted to do, go out and meet people, and keep your head up. Every day it gets easier, and eventually you will meet someone else or if it was meant to be you will get back with the person you lost. Either way you have to remember that life is what it is and there is no way to change the past, but you can certainly do something about your future. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 7:13:48 AM | I'm all for the best way being to get right out there and start dating. The sooner you meet people you like, the sooner your spirits will be lifted... and you may even find someone better than you hoped for.
One thing for certain is you'll have many new adventures and that will make you forget whats her name sooner. After my break up I dated about 20 women, some at the same time and it made me well. Sexual healing is great. Now I'm to where I'm thinking straight and a better idea of whose right for me.
Move forword, not back. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 7:35:09 AM | | When there is no closure as was the case for you OP you tend to spend a lot of time trying to analyze every gesture that was made every word that was spoken. These are time consuming exercises in futility. Though it is hard to do it is best to try and avoid this frustrating practice. Instead use this time to improve your life and yourself as a person. Think about the things you have always wanted to do and perhaps pick one to try. Meeting new people that share similar interests will broaden your horizons and put the past where it belongs. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 7:51:53 AM | First thing, I empathise with you, Eddie
The picture you paint is of a jilted, betrayed (in the respect of how the relatiosnhip was broken ), howvere there are 2 sides to Every story
I'm not goning to give you forthought or advice..there have been posters who are all to keen to do that, but mention 1 way of avoiding this in the future...as I have... is about cretaing a basis of friendship & grow from there. I feel because of that that almsot all my 'ex's' are still my friends, even from my first, at your age...23.
99% of people move on from epxericnes like the one you have gone through..I hope for your sake you are 1 & can learn & go forward wiht yourself | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 8:01:02 AM |
I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, but I certainly wasn't a bad one. Fine the relationship ended, but I didn't deserve the cruelty, punishement and 'no mercy' attitude I was shown at the end. From what I hear her life is so good without me and she doesn't care one bit about what happened to me. I've never felt so used, betrayed and rejected in that order in my entire life.
Start by getting a mirror and look at the sh!t in your side of the relationship that went wrong. Then take responsibility for that. Then realize that it takes two to tango. In other words, she fvcked up, you fvcked up.
After you do all that, then stop playing the, If only we would have done .... Stop that. It's useless.
Then move on. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 2:18:48 PM | I've never had a situation just like yours but I think most of us have had break ups that were really, really awful. I think you kind of have to let yourself grieve and feel crappy and all that stuff because it's important. And it sounds like you've done that. And then, after a point, you have to get back up on your feet and start living again. If you're finding that second step almost impossible it might be an idea to get professional help. If you're still on the roll at school (i.e. still on the books but not in classes) they may have free counseling available. When I went back to school as an adult I cashed in on that opportunity to work on some things I felt were unresolved from my past. If that's not an option talk to your doctor--he/she might be able to refer you to someone at a more reasonable cost.
Also a physical activity that you enjoy can be really helpful--get the endorphins going. And watching comedy helps me when I'm feeling blue.
As for the gal, one thing I found helpful in closure-less situations was to write out everything I wanted to say to the person (for however long it took, days, weeks, whatever) and then eventually torch it all. A nice big bonfire of closure. It's not a cure all but it helps. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 2:41:29 PM | there is no such thing as a good break up,though i concede that all breakups are for the best(at the time)
so how to get over a break up,WHATEVER YOU DO DONT BOUNCE STRAIGHT INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.take time to rediscover yourself,then you will be fresh to offer something to your new partner
i hope this helps you
john | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 2:43:08 PM | | Time - yes. But also, make sure to keep yourself busy. The last thing you want to give yourself is lots of time to think about things, that will only make it worse. Joining a gym is an excellent suggestion, it will give you something more to do, help your overall health, and the endorphins will help counteract your negative mood. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 2:54:34 PM |
I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, but I certainly wasn't a bad one. Fine the relationship ended,
Suck it up cowboy the important thing is you are still here, we've all been there tomorrow is another day
but I didn't deserve the cruelty, punishement and 'no mercy' attitude I was shown at the end
welcome to the club. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 2:57:15 PM | ^ There's a club? Do we have meetings? A decoder ring?
If there's pizza, sign me up--- if not, well, I feel "over it" .... so I won't bother if their isn't pizza....  | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 3:00:12 PM | I hate to admit it but post #2 is right on. Although you may take a while to get back into the dating scene after all the hurt be patient, and take it one day at a time.
Just try and look forward to the day that you will look across a classroom or see her walking on your way to class, your next love is out there and waiting for you, just give it time. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 3:26:41 PM | | ^ While things DO take time, using the time to reflect in a positive way allows you to make sure that you're not re-entering the dating scene as a highly damaged person. A lot of people forget this step, haven't healed properly, and waste a lot of time bringing excess baggage into whatever new relationship they find. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 4:35:03 PM | Hi Eddie, I have been in the situation you are in. I also felt used, betrayed and rejected.As a matter of fact i still do feel that way. If u figure out how to get past it, let me know. I think i have just learned to live with it.
It is easy for everyone to say, just get on with your life and keep busy. That hasnt worked for me so far.
Good luck to you. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 4:47:58 PM | time... keep busy... take time to heal... do things you enjoy... try something new that you've wanted to try but put off, before... be around people you trust and feel comfortable with, who you feel *good* with....
realize that sometimes things just "happen" and they're not your fault, that there's nothing you could do to prevent it.. or change it now... then let go of it... (easier said than done i know.. )
start afresh... good luck... | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 6:15:57 PM | *CyberHug* for you... a Break-up (esp. from a Long-Term relationship) is absolute anguis...especially if you were the one to get 'Let Go'.... Introspect and a Self-study into the relationships' breakdown is very Humbling but worth it...
~We Grow From It~
i wish you well....  | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 11/30/2007 11:42:38 PM | | You need to get some closure, by talking to her with an open mind. Go to where she hangs out, Say "Hi How are you? Would you like to go have a drink? Put your feelers out, If she rejects you again. Just put her on the spot, and say " I only want 10 mins of your time, to help me understand what i may have done wrong and get closure to move on with my life. This is what i did with my x, he has asked me to lunch tomorrow, so i am yet to find out where we go from here. U have to take a risk. Your heart and life couldn't get any worse. Can It? I was told the amount of time you spend with your parnter, it takes the same time to get over them. but some people bounce back quicker, some don't. Keep moving on with your life, new doors will open. | |
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| Bad Break Ups - how to get over them?
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:12:17 AM | I would just like to say to everyone who has posted on here - Thank you very much, all of your advice has been very helpful and it's nice to know I'm not on my own.
I would just like to add - She had a new boyfriend within 8 weeks of the split. She broke up with me because she felt she couldn't be herself while trapped in a relationship. Rubbish. | |
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