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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:09:38 PM | My friend told me about this site, she said there was a forum I could post to get help. Here I am.
Little intro: We met 3 years ago, and we have been really close for a year.
We wanted to be together but he got cold feet and later admited he was affraid of commitment. We decided to wait and take things really slow. Which we have been doing for that past year.
Things are great and we both like how we are exclusive to each other, without calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend officially.
We talked about moving together and be a couple, which we will do in 2 months.
For this past year, I have been dealing with his insecurity. At first it was cute. How he would protect me from other man, but now. He ask me several times a day where I am going, when I will be back, What am I doing.
If he ask me to do something for him and I say no, because I want to go out with my friends, he will literally freak out and punishes me with the silent threatment.
It happened 6 times so far.
Same thing happened tonight.
Everything would be fine, and he will see that I do things for myself, he will tell me that he doesn't care and leave.
Just like that, without any warning.
I will text him asking him to come back. He will tell me to lose his number, that he doesn't like me anymore.
I will write him a email, (knowing he is home and in front of his pc, I always know these)
he will tell me things like dont talk to me anymore, ever, its over, im done with you, i dont like you, i cant stand who you are, im serious dont talk to me ever again.
He will delete me from msn.
(It happened tonight again)
Usually, the next day or 2 days later he will text me, like nothing happened. Asking me whats up and what im up to.
I don't know what to do anymore, I really don't.
I don't want to ditch him, it's not my kind to do that. I know him, he is an amazing guy, I love him. I know things would be amazing if it wasn't for his insecurity.
Thank you for reading this and for your help,
Kendra | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:17:41 PM | At 19 you really don't need a freak like that holding you back..
Go out an enjoy life, for you....
Leave that little spoiled brat for someone else to raise!
~Belly~ | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:23:11 PM | Your guy isn't insecure. When a guy is insecure, he seeks the woman's reassurance. Doesn't sound like he's doing that, from your description.
Your guy has a controlling and manipulative personality. He uses tactics like the silent treatment, tantrums or verbal abuse to get his way (which only works with insecure women who are afraid to let go). He clearly knows how to push your buttons. YOU are the one who's insecure, not him.
Your love isn't being reciprocated. It's being taken advantage of.
Do you really want to live with this kind of mental torture for the rest of your life? If you don't, you know what you need to do.
And no, you can't change him. Not in a million years. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:24:37 PM | Belly,
I understand that it would be an easy solution. But it's not a solution I want to do. I know I am young. I am good looking, popular with guys, outgoing. I know I could get another men if I wanted to.
But I do not wish to get another guy, I want to work things out with him. I just don't know how.
Because he is insecure doesn't mean I have to ditch him. At least not in my book.
I just need advices on how to deal with his silent threatment, his insecurity.
I need to know, if, other women who dealt with the same thing, had good result after talking to their men. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:32:31 PM |
Your love isn't being reciprocated. It's being taken advantage of.
So for the past year, this guy been playing me?
With everything that happened between us, and how im 100% sure theres no one else? | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:40:14 PM | He does not need to be cheating on you to be a controlling, manipulative personality. All he needs is someone who will submit to his tactics (i.e. you).
As a matter of fact, an abusive man tends to stick to just the woman who he knows will let him abuse her, rather than seek out other women who might not put up with his crap.
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:40:21 PM | I don't know kendra it doesn't sound good.
There are users out there Kendra who will use you. And you will be hurt emotionally.
Guys want sex, Kendra.I think that other poster is right--he's manipulating you.
Go date someone else. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:40:50 PM | By me being young myself I kind of understand where you are coming form and know that it's not just young people that get like that but old ones as well.
Life is to short to be sitting around just wandering why or what you are doing wasting your time with someone that you can't trust or wh doesn't trust you. Because being insecure is another way of sayung that they don't trust you. Without trust and honesty in a reationship you have nothing.
rgunter1
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:45:55 PM | Yeah, I know that trust is important..
He got quite a past.. (He is 19 too) lost his mother at 16, his dad is constantly yelling at him, his family puts a lot of pressure on him for work and college and sport.
He always has to be perfect in everything.
To me, it was always like he doesnt do all this on his own will but, because he is scared of people hurting him.
A lot of his friends hurted him in the past, (Not long ago too where his best friend of 10 years betrayed him)
He told me he always push people away to protect himself, so to me, it was never like he uses me but, as I am 1 of the few person he actually kind of trust and say all these things and he is scared I will ditch him | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 11:00:30 PM | I understand what you are saying and it's like this kendra.
Men are like that they push people away. It's not because there are scared or afraid but the reason we do it is so we want get hurt again. It's like a dog when you push a dog so far or mess with him to much he is going to bite. Its the same way with men. When we are ready and can't take any more then we snap. It's too late then but it makes us feel good and when we snap it's not at you but you were the one that was there at the moment.
You can basically the only one that he trusts because his mom is gone and you are his replacement figure. Even though you can never replace his mom it's like you are comforting him as he grow stronger. He has became your baby ( or son).
It's really nothing you can do about it because if you decide to break up with him it' only going to make the situation worse. Just pray about the situationa and get him to talk to you more and open up to you. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 11:05:14 PM | Yeah, I know I am the figure or replacement of his mom. And I also know that man look for woman in their life as a replacement of their mom.
(My dad told me that once)
It's a tough situation, but that's why I am so convinced he is not playing me.
The abuse is there, but I can deal with the mental, I just don't know how, I am not experienced enough in life to know these things.
The day he will hit me, I am leaving, No matter what and he knows it.
But because he is hurted doesn't mean I have to make things worst, just don't know what to do.
Rgunter what you tell me is helping me to understand so much.
Keep these things coming | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 11:07:20 PM | Oh and, not that I believe in astrology much but, he is also a virgo men, like you.
My good friend mom told me Virgo men need their space, and are hard to understand. I always give him the space he needs, all the time. I know he likes it, we talked about it before.
I usually just wait he come back and he does, but, even tho I know he will come back I am always scared 1 day he won't come back. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 11:27:46 PM |
He ask me several times a day where I am going, when I will be back, What am I doing.
If he ask me to do something for him and I say no, because I want to go out with my friends, he will literally freak out and punishes me with the silent threatment.
What you're describing here is not insecurity, it is controlling, abusive behavior. Run! | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 11:31:02 PM | All people need a little space from time to time just so they can truly focus on what really matters ... What this guy is doing is quite mallipulative and mean- using you as a safety net while pumping up his own ego, It's not right for you or anybody else to live in worry about weather or not some-one will or won't come back. If you really want to know what he's up to.. force his hand and treat him the same way he has treated you- the game changes when the shoe is worn on the other foot..! It's easy saying move on when your not one involved but in this case.... consider opening your options up and enjoy life with-out the added stress. Good luck and happy fishing.  | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 11:33:36 PM |
The abuse is there, but I can deal with the mental, I just don't know how, I am not experienced enough in life to know these things.
You understand that this only gets worse, not better, right? You will have nothing left of your self esteem when he is done with you. Stop making excuses for his behavior! He has NO right to treat you like that whatsoever.
The day he will hit me, I am leaving, No matter what and he knows it.
Wow, that's some set of high standards you have for yourself. Dump him honey, he's not worth it. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/1/2007 11:48:43 PM | That's what I want to know.
If I am the one in control next time he talk to me.
How will things turn?
I don't want him to be hurted more then he has..
I want to know how he will react, from other people experiences | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 12:16:15 AM | That's going to be all you... know that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and one thing here that you may not see-- its he thats doing all the hurting to you and himself. Have you made him aware of your feelings and how what he's done/doing hurts and bothers you? If yes - how much care can he possibly have by intensionally continuing to hurt you this way Really- say good-bye and leave the rest in the hands of fate.! That doesn't mean you shouldn't be having fun or enjoying life else-where .... just waiting  | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 12:19:50 AM | | If you think he sucks now, wait until he lives with you. It will be a very big and very expensive mistake. Don't relinquish your freedom! Love, Titus | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 12:22:21 AM | Not insecurity......................Definately control issues and /or trust issues
A relationship is not losing yourself in him .....
It is melding the best of your life with the best of his without giving up your individuality. Put the ball in his court, tell him you are done with the manipulation and anger. You each need me time, that makes us time special. Tell him if he storms off without talking thing out, your not coming after him, calling him, texting him begging him. He must learn to trust you or there is NO relationship. You have to stand strong NOW or you will spend all your time walking on eggshells and not enjoying life as you should.
If you do this andmake him figure out if you are worth the effort(for him) to be a partner and not a master... one of three things will happen:
1)He will decide (over time) that you are serious and he loves you so he will share his life with you instead of controlling / owning it.
2) He will become more aggressive trying to force you to do his will and keep you under his thumb. (in which case you dump him quick...hard life or not
3) He will decide he doesn't want you enough to share his life with you and if he can't control / own you he doesn't want you.
BUT THIS WAY .....you didn't do anything to him, you gave him a choice or opportunity, It is up to him to choose you.
By the wat it is a two way street........ you have to be the same sharing your life and giving him some room for guy time | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 12:39:06 AM | This is an unhealthy and dangerous relationship for you -- it's painfully obvious from what you've described.
As others have written, you're confusing insecure with controlling/manipulative...you are right though, he IS insecure as well. Here's why:
1. Calling you several times a day - not to say hi - but to interrogate you.
Demonstrates a severe lack of trust & insecurity. This is not healthy behavior for anyone.
2. Punishing you with the "silent treatment."
This is controlling & vindictive behavior (along with immature.) Again, unhealthy.
3. Breaking contact/lose my number, etc.
He's being intentionally hurtful and attempting to guilt you into feeling like you've done something wrong because, in his mind, you hurt him by disobeying him.
Sure, he's got a painful past - losing a parent is hard for anyone at any time. Let me guess, you're one of the only people he trusts/confides in/cares about? He doesn't know what he'd do if he ever lost you? He's using pity to control you.
If you move with him in 2 months, it will get worse and escalate rapidly. Has he ever said anything like, "I can't believe you made me do.... !" And he does "do this all on his own will"! Having to make excuses for someone else's behavior...which you're doing...very, very bad sign.
At 19, I'm not saying he's a bad guy...he sounds like a kid with a lot of pain to deal with and isn't coping too well with what he's been going through. He IS a bad boyfriend (even though after a year you both haven't labeled yourself as a couple) and as relationships go...he's bad, bad news.
Unfortunately, you're probably going to do this the hard way...best of luck. Be careful. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 12:53:46 AM | There have been some good points raised here, but there are a few things you need to honestly look at about his personality for ways in which he might react. This is most definitely controlling behaviour and potentially serious mental abuse (I don't know exactly how he talks to you/treats you except in the initial description you gave). There are a few different steps he might decide to take (from personal and vicarious experiences I've had - I might miss some) and you likely have been given minor hints by how he acts, and/or what you know about his past relationships (not necessarily what you hear out of his mouth though!).
Best case scenario (I was lucky with this outcome with my mentally abusive boyfriend, and in recognizing the abuse early) - he accepts you saying that you took his last break-up with you as the last one, i.e. you consider that the two of you are not together and want no more contact with him (it is important to have no contact otherwise you may be persuaded to return to that situation out of some hope that his statements of 'being a changed man', 'not going to do it again', are actually true) - the outcome is that he respects that and doesn't contact you after the 'break-up'.
Worst case scenarios - (well I won't go total worst case, but it will be hinted at here) - he turns into a stalker and will follow you everywhere, may or may not include incessant calling/texting/emailing (you should be prepared in the steps you need to take in order to get a restraining order should this occur); some of these communications may threaten suicide - be ready with the hotline numbers for him - if you think he is really serious call the police and tell them that you just broke up with him because he was mentally abusive and he is calling you and threatening suicide, if you say that you think it is serious they should go over there and make sure he's okay - remember he is doing this mainly so that you feel sorry for him and will go over and take him back (that's why he's calling you!); if you know of him owning any weapons, or potentially having access to them - well that is what I mentioned with the hinting - be careful...likely you will have gotten hints, for example with stalking behaviour that should lead you to getting a restraining order so that he hopefully doesn't end up taking it too far (do look into how to contact the women's shelters in your area though so you're prepared if things seem to be going too far)
Most importantly though is to do what others have suggested - you need to get out of this situation before you get in too deep and this becomes what you expect from a mate (you do NOT deserve that behaviour) - if you're into the psych-babble scene, you might want to examine your parents behaviour and whether you're setting yourself up in a similar situation because it seems safe and kinda familiar (try to break out of the rut if that's the case before it gets you into deep trouble)
Good luck - stay safe - if you live alone think about going to stay over at a friend's/parents place immediately after the break-up. Please keep us posted with how it goes. Remember that mental abuse is often much more damaging than physical is - do NOT minimize the importance of getting out of a mentally abusive situation. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:09:15 AM | You know, I can't help but comment on your own feelings. Obviously this must hurt you when he has his temper tantrums. So ask yourself this question....and by all means be selfish!! Why do I need this hurt in my life? A relationship should be about happiness and joy. Yes, you should email and text each other all the time, especially when it's new. And you both should be thinking of each other all the time, and more importantly, thinking of when you can be seeing each other next. But always in a positive and exciting way...never in a negative, hurtful and painful way.
Get out there and enjoy yourself. If your best friend was in your situation right now, what would you advise her to do?? | |
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Roy__1
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Joined: 4/28/2007
Msg: 23 | |
| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:43:11 AM | Hi Kendra, I totally agree with RGunter, I can be quite insecure at times. Unfortunately, I have been let down several times in my life by women, and after each occasion, I return to my shell to reflect. His behaviour is typical of an introvert, rather than fully understand and explain his feelings, he will return a few days later when his confidence has returned. He thinks he is losing you, and to protect himself he is pulling up the drawbridge. This is probably not a psychological attack against you, more that he can see you drifting away when you mix with new people, and him imagining that you might find someone better than him. So, basics, do you genuinely love him? I think if you didn't at least care, you would not have asked the questions. You are young, and so is he, and there is alot to discover in this world, but he is worried he may lose you, of course, he may, but then again, if you truly are meant to be, then his tough lesson is to trust you. So, its complicated.
What do you do? Communicate. You must invest the time (and not just a quick blurb and run away!!!) to re-assure him. This really is an investment. Build his confidence, over days and weeks, months if necessary.
Before you do this, you must must must ask yourself, do you really want to stay with him? Because, if you do, and you follow through with this advice, then let him down, it really will break the guy for years. This is what has happened to me, so I am very protective. | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:40:37 AM | I want to do what Roy and RGunter says..
I know I need to talk to him, and reassure him.. I did in the past and it worked..
but he doesnt like when I say no to him, even for a smallest thing.
I said no once when he asked to borrow my bike (Another friend was using it for the week end) and he took it really personal.
I am ready to invest the time in him, because, he really worth it, and i want to show him that i am not the kind of person who will hurt him at all.
We are like soulmates, similar, understand each other, read each other.
But his mood swings kill the good things, and yes now i have the feeling I walk on eggshell.
I just need to find the right way to reassure him, knowing how he is scared of me sometimes, its kind of hard.
Communication is the key.
I understand I can get stuck in this thing end up being hurted a lot, that he can drag me down.
That's why I have amazing friends that keep my head up, and listen to me. I have amazing friends, they know him, me, what we are..
They are used to me, texting them at 4am, sad.. because i got in a fight with him.
And I really appreciate everyone here wishing me good luck and hoping the best for me. I really do. It make me feel special and give me strenght | |
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| Need help with an insecure men
Posted: 12/2/2007 6:47:03 AM | Kendra i had one like that and he was 44, treat him like the 3 yr old that he is, and in time you will dump him trust me!!!! cuz it will only get worse | |
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