| | Do you really think I want to know your past?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Ladies,ods are every one on here has a love lost past or we would 'nt be here.Maybe it's just people I have met,but it seems like women want to tell me all the goods and bads about people they have had a relationship with.
Please tell me if I'm wrong,but should'nt a date be about us? I want to get to know the person I'm with,not the people they have been with.Do women feel that talking about previous or future dates is a good way to break the ice with the person she is with?
Just asking,not all my dates have been this way,but several have.Please enlighten me. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 12:55:43 PM | I have noticed the same thing but I have always imagined it to be that the woman wants to make sure you understand what she has experienced in her life. I always figured one of the reasons people get together anyway (no matter what age or circumstances) is to share their lives together and the ultimate goal is to share one life together as partners?
If you ignore everything she has experienced in the past then you'd be basically ignoring a lot of what makes her - her, wouldn't you? Knowing what a person has been through can help you get to understand them. You certainly wouldn't want to get all the way to marriage and then find out there was some deal breaker. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 12:59:27 PM | Wow! You're 45 and you're asking this question???? Have you been a monk for the better part of your life.... just getting into the relationship game now?
Do women feel that talking about previous or future dates is a good way to break the ice with the person she is with?
Men and women who talk about their ex to the exclusion of everything else aren't over them. Men and women who talk about their relationship history to the exclusion of everything else are not ready to date/find someone new.........simple as that.
Whilst they are on a date with you, they don't really want to break the ice with you, because, inwardly, they are still processing the past.
Yeah, yeah.... those people shouldn't be dating but what you gonna do. Chalk it up to experience and get on with it.
not all my dates have been this way
Those women are the healthy, well adjusted women who have no hang ups about their past relationships. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:00:55 PM | Women relate on a different level then men do. Odds are if she feels comfortable with you, then she will "reveal" herself to you by "revealing" her past, what she has been through. It actually makes her feel closer to you and her intentions are for you to feel closer to her (even if this isn't actually the case).
So, the fact that you don't like it and prefer it not to happen (in my opinion) is actually tearing down what you are trying to build. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:12:29 PM | Well, in defense of the ladies, I am a guy and have done this too.
Personally, I think some of the dating stories are GREAT ice breakers... and that shouldn't be surprising, since it's the one thing all of us have in common.
I love hearing stories about other dates people have been on-can be very interesting-you can learn a lot about the person you're on the date, and stuff that can be also be useful on future dates (ever had a girl tell you "oh, and this one time a guy did blah blah blah, and it was total turn off!" - as you sit there and silently think "Doh! I've done that!" LOL)
Honestly, it depends on the tone of a conversation. No one wants to hear mundane stories, or whining about all the bad experiences they've had-not for very long, anyway. But I think being able to talk about it (especially in a humors or positive light) shows a healthy attitude towards sex, relationships, and dating. Which is really what you should be looking for.
Don't take a woman's desire to communicate with you as a bad thing, or feel like you're necessarily being compared or being told what's expect of you. The sum total of our past relationships plays a big part in who we've become, and can tell you a lot about the woman you may be getting involved with. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:15:49 PM | Thank you christirb77,
Men should listen to what you are saying. I personally found your comment very refreshing and it makes me feel a bit better about some of the dates I've been on. Personally its never bothered me when a woman talks about her past and I've found the exact same thought you presented to be what I believed. Its just good to hear it from a woman. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:29:41 PM | | I guess a key word that was missed is Relationship,not just date,I should have went in too more detail,things I was told were pretty intimate,I feel should have been left between her and her partner,this happened on a few different occasions. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:36:09 PM | | ^^^Then I would say it depends on what it is that's being discussed and the frequency. But I would still argue-maybe even more so-that if you're in a relationship with this person, you guys should be able to talk about a lot of that stuff rocking the boat too much, provided it's being done in healthy context. Still, you have not addresses that issue, thats the real key word in all of this. If you're constantly being compared in negative context, then yeah, that's obviously not a good thing. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:40:50 PM |
Ladies,ods are every one on here has a love lost past or we would 'nt be here.Maybe it's just people I have met,but it seems like women want to tell me all the goods and bads about people they have had a relationship with.
Please tell me if I'm wrong,but should'nt a date be about us? I want to get to know the person I'm with,not the people they have been with.Do women feel that talking about previous or future dates is a good way to break the ice with the person she is with?
Just asking,not all my dates have been this way,but several have.Please enlighten me.
maybe she just feels so comfy with you that she blathers on.. or maybe she's feeling nervous and so blathers on...
.. or maybe it's the choice of a confessional booth as a location for the date..
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:44:55 PM | | I agree that our past is who we are and eventially you should be comfortable enough to talk about it,but on a first date to go in too details about sex...call me old fashioned but I don't really want to hear about it from someone I just met. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:49:10 PM | A couple of possibilities,
Sometimes on first meetings the conversations are driven by
the initial level of attraction. If there isn't any, then people
will steer the conversation towards subjects that are date-killers.
Talking about exes is not typically good chatter for a first date.
Subliminal Sabotage, so to speak.
Sometimes people are lonely, as has been said, and they really need
to talk about it. They are usually not ready to date.
You can try and shift the convo in another direction, but if the person
keeps gnawing on it, then I would be compelled to say something.
KK | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:06:16 PM | Well my ex tends to be brought up when ever I am asked about my college days... we dated most of the time I was at school and everything I did was more less with him.... I also tend to bring up the old roommates as well. I don't understand how I can talk about a big part of my life with no mention of the ex what do I call him "random friend". I however would not talk about when things went bad or go in to details about sex with a past lover. And guys are just as bad for this but they just seem to say that they are crazy B!tches.... girls we tend to call the ex the stuipid jerk....its pointless and really should not be brought. When I am on a date and this happens I just think do I really want to be refuerd as the crazy b!tch someday.
Long put in to Short its ok to tell a funny story or about an expaerence but don't do the bad mouthing thing. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 4:09:32 PM | There are some cases where I totally agree with you, especially when it comes to initial dating.
I was recently on a date where the girl must have brought up "how rough she's had it" every 5 minutes. Whether it was abuse by her ex, or rocky relationships with her family, or financial hardships. I am pretty good at maintaining a conversation, which includes gently "steering" the conversations away from uncomfortable topics or ones that just really kind of downer (i.e. not first date material). Nothing I did worked, to the point where I teasingly got blunt about it and said: OK, only happy stories from this point on for the rest of the evening.
It was a big turn off.
In a relationship-though I would not want to be with someone who was feeling sorry for herself all the time, we all have our moments. I can see where patience and understanding are a bigger piece of the puzzle.
On a first or second date, this is clearly less acceptable. If it's on topic, or the occasional "too much information" story slips out, I can write it off. But if they are "living" in this zone, it doesn't usually make for a great impression or first date. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 4:16:25 PM | | Just had a first date last night (hopefully there will be a second date). We both talked about past dates, about what its like meeting and dating people from the internet. some of the stories are just too funny and are great ice breakers, plus it gave me an insight as to the type of relationships he's had in the past. We did talk about alot of other topics so hopefully that was a good sign for us. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 4:45:12 PM | | Thats my point,it was a big killer for the evening,they could have been great people if we were to get to know each other but it kinda scared me off. I agree that internet dating stories can be a lot of fun,I mean,that is why we were there,I just want to think I'm with someone ready to start out new,if you keep looking where you've been you'll never see where you're going. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 5:04:55 PM | I never talk about my past unless I'm asked.
The problem with that is you answer then you have to explain, before you know it
your whole life flows before your eyes.
Oh wait that's death........hmmm almost the same thing. | |
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Icene
| | Joined: 6/26/2007
Msg: 20 | |
| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 5:57:28 PM | Thats my point,it was a big killer for the evening,they could have been great people if we were to get to know each other but it kinda scared me off.
This scared you off, but its not something that will scare off all men/women. Some people are very comfortable with full disclosure and work best with someone else who is the same way. They want to know more about you, everything about you and get upset when you don't respond (aka hiding something).
Not all women are full disclosers. The only details I give without being asked are the things I believe a guy has every right to know in relation to my character. As far as details, there's no reason for me to discuss them. If its asked of me, I'll happily provide the information but there's no reason for me to bring it up. I don't see this as a gender issue, but more of a personality one. I've dated men who told me every single emotion they had with an ex. Thanks, but I can think of more interesting topics for a third date. :\ | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 6:12:33 PM |
Ladies,ods are every one on here has a love lost past or we would 'nt be here.Maybe it's just people I have met,but it seems like women want to tell me all the goods and bads about people they have had a relationship with.
Please tell me if I'm wrong,but should'nt a date be about us? I want to get to know the person I'm with,not the people they have been with.Do women feel that talking about previous or future dates is a good way to break the ice with the person she is with?
Just asking,not all my dates have been this way,but several have.Please enlighten me.
Outside of quick references in the course of general conversation, I prefer to keep my past relationships AND my present (any other dates, etc) personal.
I don't mind trading funny or nightmare stories about one time dates however, that can be good laugh material. | |
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LWK
| | Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 22 | |
| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/2/2007 8:12:44 PM |
things I was told were pretty intimate,I feel should have been left between her and her partner,this happened on a few different occasions.
Totally agree with you there. Only exception I would see would be if you asked her about past relationships . Don't ask questions you really don't want the answer to just to have something to say .
Now, that being said ... the biggest problem with dating somebody that does this without being asked is that you can be certain on her next date the intimate details of your date with her will be the main topic of discussion.
If somebody I date spends the whole time giving me intimate details of previous relationships even after being told I don't care to hear it, there just won't be a second date.
I figure why try to develop a relationship with someone who is obviously just looking for new material to use on future dates?? LOL
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/5/2007 5:08:44 PM | Then don't ask. Do you really think I want to talk about my ex-husband?
Every single first date, every single first conversation of consequence, this question has come up... "So how long have you been divorced? What happened? Have you had any other LTRs?"
I don't offer the information. Every single one of them ask. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/5/2007 5:22:38 PM | | Ugh. And then girls always tell you that if YOU do that, it's a big NO NO. My ex gf did this. by the end of our FIRST DATE I knew the complete run down of every guy she had ever been with. Best thing is to call women on it playfully. Make a joke about it to lighten the mood but at the same time let them know that if they don't want us to do it, they shouldn't either. I don't exactly agree with what some people here are saying about how anyone who talks about past relationships isn't over their ex, because I know my ex is well over me and I'm sure she talks trash about me behind my back, but I do think people hate when dates do this because it takes the focus away from them. | |
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| Do you really think I want to know your past?
Posted: 12/5/2007 5:36:59 PM | "If you ignore everything she has experienced in the past then you'd be basically ignoring a lot of what makes her - her, wouldn't you? Knowing what a person has been through can help you get to understand them. You certainly wouldn't want to get all the way to marriage and then find out there was some deal breaker."
That was an excellent response. | |
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