| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/3/2007 4:11:55 AM | Okay I have a burning question here. I have recently discovered I may be what is referred to as emotionally unavailble. I came to this conclusion as a guy I have dated was pretty late to a date, I have known he is not really into me, but that's ok I am not really into him either. But we do enjoy each other's company. So the funny thing is, He accused himself of being a complete jerk and I corrected him. I said no, you are actually a really nice guy, just not emotionally available. I can spot this because I are the same way. I like to go out now and then and meet new people and feel like it is a healthy thing to do, besides some prince charming might come sweep me off my feet, right? But, I never want to lead anyone in to thinking I am actively searching for the big romance either, I just figure if it happens it happens.
So here is my question...If I go meet someone for a drink, or a coffee, or maybe even a meal, we meet, we talk, and bam! nothin'. Should I offer to pay half? I kind of feel like they are the one that asked me to spend time with them. My time is valuable, and I am not doing it for a free meal ticket or nothing like that, but feel if they asked me, they seem like someone I would like to meet, they should pay. Now, this is one reason I prefer casual on a first date, but I want to hear your thoughts. I often wonder if I am feeling emotionally unavailable is because I have not found the right one. Please no mean spirited comments. That is not going to acccomplish anything.
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/3/2007 10:33:56 PM | | If he asks then he should pay, if you ask then you should at least put up a fight then let him pay. If I am out with a woman and she pays for herself then I know she's not interested. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:49:47 PM | | I was raised that who ever did the asking should pay. However, with all things being fairly equal, I usually at least offer to pay my own way. That way neither person is beholden to the other. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/8/2007 12:17:59 PM | First of all, I wouldn't say you are emotionally unavailable. You are just not willing to "settle" for the sake of being in a relationship. You are also comfortable enough with yourself to acknowledge that the right one may, or may not come along. Until then, you are putting yourself out there making yourself available to "mr. right."
That being said, if you are comfortable letting the man pay, then by all means let him. If it bothers you, at least offer to pay your half. If he declines, then don't push it. My motto is: if I have the money, I will offer to pay. If I don't, then I won't order much. I am not out to get a free meal, I just want to meet someone I wouldn't normally have come in contact with in my day-to-day activities.
I'm somewhat like yourself: not emotionally unavailable, but not desperate either.
If we click, great. If not, then at least I did something different, and maybe met a new friend.
P.S. don't worry about what other people think of you. As long as you are comfortable with your decisions, that is all that counts. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/8/2007 5:54:27 PM | I think some might view me as an emotionally unavailable person too. I am definitely a person that tries to keep it under control emotionally, especially early on in a relationship. To me, dating has different phases. They go something like this:
1. You meet initially...there is some attraction..and you begin to feel each other out.
2. An attraction is established, and now you start learning about each other.
3. As you get to know each other, each person's true personality begins to emerge.
4. Once each person has discovered the strengths and weaknesses of the other, the relationship either takes off from this point or begins to flounder.
What I have found is that some people give a very accurate portrayal of who they are and what they are about right off the bat. More often than not though, a person sees themself in one way while almost everyone else sees them in a completely different way. That self described non-needy, easy going, even keel, non-high maintenance person you first started dating turns into an emotional vacuum cleaner...sucking the life force out of you. So the way I look at it, why am I going to go over the deep end emotionally early on when in I fact really don't know who you are? Won't it mean so much more if I become more emotionally available the longer we get to know each other, as opposed to acting like a lovesick teenager right off the bat because I'm in the throws of lust?
Now there's a bit of a fine line here. You can't act TOO distant early in a relationship, or you won't get anywhere with anybody. As with almost anything else in life, moderation is the key. Early on, I'm just looking for the small signs that a woman may like me. And honestly that's all I want....small and subtlle signs. There's a line in a Seinfeld episode that describes this perfectly. Elaine is mad at Jerry because he tells a friend of a guy she is dating that they are "hot and heavy". She says to Jerry..."I'm trying to attract a squirrel here...I don't want to make any sudden big movements".
Sorry about the rant...lol. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:27:11 AM | Rob- I think that is a very logical way of looking at dating, and a smart way to do it. Dating is like sales. You're selling yourself to a potential mate. Of course you want the package to be pretty. It's a matter of what low points are you as an individual willing to admit to early on? Majority of everyone, the answer is as minimal as possible. If someone wants to label not getting hopes up too high too early as "emotionally unavailable" so be it. Not everything fits into a neat label though. But, this is pretty much just adding more rant to your rant, so I will end this now. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/11/2007 8:50:53 PM | Emotional availability is not a condition, it's a decision. One we've made, one way or another, before we even set eyes on the other person. In the Puget Sound area, it's called the Seattle Freeze.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/pacificnw/2005/0213/cover.html | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/11/2007 10:03:29 PM | | I think that the "Seattle Freeze" is an excuse. Condition or decision....who cares. It's an excuse to keep yourself guarded. There's a healthy way of doing it, then there's the extreme..and that's the excuse called "seattle freeze." Just my 2 cents though. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/13/2007 9:48:23 PM | First date should be dutch. After that, it's whatever you agree on and depends on which one has the better income. I've dated women who made 3 or 4 times as much as me and still expected me to pay. Needless to say, those relationships never went beyond 1 or 2 dates.
As far as the so-called "Seattle freeze", I think it's a myth. I've been to other parts of the country where the social atmosphere was far less friendlier than Seattle. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/14/2007 8:35:28 PM | Brinybay writes:
First date should be dutch. After that, it's whatever you agree on and depends on which one has the better income. I've dated women who made 3 or 4 times as much as me and still expected me to pay.
I disagree. Dates #2 and on is whatever is agreed upon, but date #1, I pay, end of discussion. I've been on first dates where the gal insists on paying half, but nowadays I just tell the server before my date shows up to hand the bill directly to me, and my card goes into the folder and the check is taken away before the gal has a chance to say whatthehell was that.
Just the way it is. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/14/2007 9:50:41 PM | I will always pay for the first date. With that being said though, I will never make that first date anything big. I would hate to go and spend $100 and have us not click. After that if we do click I will usually try and pay. But if she offers after I have paid a few times, I will let her pay.
As far as being emotionally unavilable. Now that I read this thread I wonder the same thing about myself. I am being pretty picky when it comes to dating and I question myself if I am toooooo picky. So no that I have read this thread, I am thinking maybe I am what the thread is all about. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/15/2007 7:59:28 AM | It's alright for a guy to pay but No more than $40 and that includes getting laid too. If she doesn't put out then move along.
Now we all can understand why you are here.....seriously.... | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/16/2007 10:01:52 AM | This has been very helpful. I have had suspicions of myself because I am pretty focused on family and career. But I guess that is what we should be doing and if someone distracts us?
So does that $40 include the $20 you paid for the hooker? I never thought hookers worked for food????  | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/16/2007 7:25:15 PM | I have been on and off of this site for over a year now. I am a single mom who puts family and my career at the top of the list. That doesn't mean that I am emotionally unavailable when I meet someone. It just means that I am going to take my time. Doesn't anyone come on here to find companionship, someone to talk to and laugh with? I think it is great when you have no expectations and just click with someone....whether it ends up as a friendship or more, we don't always have to act like teenagers who are madly in lust. I actually prefer the slower relationship.
And to the guy who is looking for women to put out. He should say that right up front in his profile. There are lots of women who go for that kind of thing. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/20/2007 10:18:54 PM | | The term " stuck up" Comes to mind. Ever heard of it?? And dear YOUR time isn't anymore "VALUABLE" than the mans time. Really think your something huh??You'd pay your 1/2 and like it with me. Christ another spoiled woman who refuses to grow up. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/21/2007 11:53:48 AM | | I agree with that last post. And that does apply to the person who started this thread. Maybe it is me who speaks his mind and has no problems telling a lady that I am not interested, whereas the person who started this thread just opens the window, and closes it. So yes she must think she is something., which now I wouldn't give her the time of day. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/21/2007 12:33:27 PM | | Miss Peppy, I am a little old fashioned and prefer to have the man pay for the first date. If it seems to me that he is more interested in me than I am in him and have no intention of seeing him again then I make sure I pay since that seems to put off a lot of older men. Then I do not have to be the bad guy. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/27/2007 3:56:24 AM | | My standard rule for a first date is the cost is split. If it's a dinner/movie date I pay for dinner...she pays for the movie, or vice versa. I WILL NOT OBLIGATE any woman to pay for the whole thing! | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 12/27/2007 4:24:20 PM | emotionally unavailable means the following: you have a drinkingor drug problem or mental illness that does not allow you to be there for people emotionally when they need you--for instance:
you cannot handle other peoples issues, problems, etc. there is a something blocking you from responding emotionally to anyone.
one is emotionally available if you can respond to by empathizing with them depending upon what has happened for them. If someone dies you can say something appropriate in response and listen to them cry without trying to fix them. you can say words like"gee that must be difficult for you I'm sorry that is happening to you. "
You have the ability to love, fall in love and love others. People who have drinking problems have a love affair with the bottle==therefore emotionally unavailable.
If you have nothing in common with a date and don't hit it off this is not what defines emotionally unavailable. It means you simply aren't that into each other!!!! | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 1/28/2008 8:38:14 AM | The term " stuck up" Comes to mind. Ever heard of it?? And dear YOUR time isn't anymore "VALUABLE" than the mans time. Really think your something huh??You'd pay your 1/2 and like it with me. Christ another spoiled woman who refuses to grow up. 
Hiway man,
Wow have you just misjudged me. I am the least stuck-up person you will ever meet. Humble is probably a better description. I was merely asking proper protocol. I am very old-fashioned and in the past it was always the man that paid. I was feeling a bit confused from that.
As far as paying my half with you? We would never have to worry about that, because I would never date anyone so bitter and judgemental.
Susu I liked your advise best so far. I have also figured out that emotionally unavailable is the right term for me. Maybe more focused on other things. Thanks All! | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 1/28/2008 5:12:38 PM | | Forget it. He is gone for now anyway until he creates a new profile. Got him canned for racist remarks on another post. His profile says he was just here to p*ss off any many people as possible. | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 1/29/2008 1:16:55 AM | I guess my take on the subject is that there's a difference between a "meet" or 'get together" and a "date".
Regardless of how long or how much coversing you've had with an individual online, the fact of the matter is that you're meeting them for the first time. Certainly you've got more information and background than a blind date, but not really. Once the other individual is in the room with you, it's a full reset. It just might not work between you two in person, or it might click. Something easy, light and public is the general rule for me. Coffee, lunch, meet for a drink after work, that sort of thing.
Then after you've met, you two can decide if you'd actually like to go out on a "date". As for who pays, that's up to you two, and it should be discussed before you walk in. I tend to date women who make as much as I do if not more, so all the possible variations have come into play at one time or another. I like to pay, I also like it when a woman respects the fact that I'm not made of cash, and pulls her own weight. It can also be a very pleasant suprise when someone wants to see you a few days before your payday and "treats" you. :)
As for the 'Seattle Freeze' I'm still not seeing it. Yes there's been folks that I've met and we haven't clicked, but that's just what it is in my eyes, but for the most part, I'm having a grand time dating and geting to know the area and the people. :) | |
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| emotionally unavailable
Posted: 1/31/2008 6:29:12 PM | I've been casually dating someone for more than a year (on and off) who I describe as emotionally unavailable. And by that I mean, he could find someone (say me) where absolutely everything clicks (affection, chemistry, fun, interests) but in his current state of mind he'll never commit or allow himself to be happy with a single special someone. The more comfortable he gets, the more he pulls back. We've talked about it and he admits he has issues. I know it could be "he's just not that into me", but he's dated others and from my view always has the same reservations.
Now I on the other hand have no plans on committing to someone until I find a good balance of chemistry, compatibility, and availability (emotional or otherwise). But if I can meet some great people and make new friends along the way, GREAT! But since I am open to more in the right circumstance, I would say that I am emotionally available. I'm just not willing to put everything on hold to settle for someone that doesn't give me everything emotionally that I deserve. That is how I read Pepp'ys initial post here.
BTW - I'm always more than happy to pay my 1/2 or full bill if my idea, but if my date insists on paying themselves I say "are you sure? Well, thank you". I once read and beleive that it is more gracious to give a simple thank you then to argue. | |
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