| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 6:52:59 PM | For all the naysayers out here....go ahead. This is a genuine post looking for some genuine insight. I understand asking this on a single dating site may be ludicris, but I do know there are some wonderfully insightful people on here that I would love to help me out with this problem.
I'm a divorced gal, have no shortage of getting dates but quite honestly, I am tired of the superficial, shallow dating that leads no where. I am ready to find the real deal now.
Met this wonderful man. We've been dating for about 2 months. Great guy. He's so sweet, does all the right things, calls when he says he will, he's educated, successful, treats me better than any man I have ever dated. Sometimes, I think I will never find a man that treats me better than this guy.
What's the problem?
Well, all the stupid stuff! He's not that attractive to me, he has nose hairs that I can't believe even his kids haven't mentioned to him. His breath is bad. But his kisses rock if I don't breath. He dresses way to conservative for me ( meaning, his style is a bit outdated - while I tend to me fashion conscious), he makes these stupid faces at times that sometimes I wonder if he is gay etc... I almost feel disrespectful talking about him like this on a public forum because he does not deserve to be ridiculed in any way. It's just that these things are so hard for my look past.
I know this is all superficial stuff...but it's getting to me. This guy treats me like GOLD and I know he would do anything for me. Anything!! I KNOW it.
He tells me he loves me and wants to be in my life. I tell him slow down. I've never lied about how I feel about him but he is definitely way ahead of me and going fast!
My problem is this....I do recogonize what a wonderful man this is. He would probably love me till the day I die. HOW do I get past all the stupid stuff I mentioned above? And yes, before you rip me a new one and call me shallow, I know it sounds that way already, so save your breath.
Thanks for any insight you may offer. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 6:56:41 PM | | For someone so focused on filtering out the superficial, you seem to be displaying the very thing you despise...Perhaps, honesty is the path you should seek. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 6:58:00 PM | Maybe you should try talking to him instead of coming on here and on one hand saying how great he is and then the other talking about how he isn't perfect according to your superior standards...
Or just let him go so he can find a woman that really appreciates him... | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:02:02 PM | hi ggirl from what you are saying this guy has poor hygenic habits..that's a tough call ..perhaps you could gently bring up the subject to him by giving an example of someone else you know..even if fictisious..i'm sorry to say though..no matter how much you care for him ...this may never change and you will need to ask yourself if you could live with that perhaps the rest of your life...it sounds like it's a real turn off for you.
i don't think you are being shallow here at all.hygenes are very important.
as far as telling him to slow down..i agree totally..i just had an experience similar and boy did i get a rude awakening!!you may want to read my thread about that under heart breakers..help, what happened to us..i was in total shock!!
just don't fall too fast...i know where you are coming from...as i've been told if it seems to good to be true it probably is. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:03:22 PM | If you love him, these things are "fixable".
- Nose hairs (lol): Get him a nose clipper and suggest that he maintains them nicely trimmed.
-Bad breathe: Does he see a dentist? Maybe he has gingivitis? Or maybe he just needs a good cleaning/maintenance, and floss regularly.
-Attire: Go shopping with him, and suggest a few things! Or surprise him and buy him something that you would think he would look good in/would like.
These things are not a "big deal". They can be worked on, and communication is very important! Some people just need a little advice/guidance.
Now, if you don't feel the same feelings that he has for you. Let him go!
Best,
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:04:42 PM | That's the thing...I DO appreciate him. I am very lucky to be treated so well by a man like him. He treats me better than any man I have ever dated, and I have to say, I have dated some amazing men.
It's just all the stupid non important things that are getting to me. Some one above mentioned that all the things I listed are fixable. But what I think it all boils down to is that here I have the AMAZING guy on paper, but I am not attracted to the exterior part of him. But his interior is unbelieveable!
Will it ever get to a point where his interior will beat the exterior? Because I do know how lucky I am to have someone treat me this well. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:04:59 PM | | There's something to be said for chemistry. Even if he treats you like gold, if you aren't feeling it enough to look past these superficial things, then maybe that's your sign that he's not right for you. And in that case it is better to let him go, so someone else can love him for who he is. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:08:33 PM | Wow..that's gonna be a hard one, but easy to fix too:
So am diving on the solutions directly, bypassing your motives etc etc.
Okydoky!
- Present to him as a caring gift, tell him that you do something just for him, because you love him...buy him a all included spa....and give the instructions to the ladies behind his back, to cut his noses hairs, do a hair cut etc etc OR if money is tight, make a game out of it and do it yourself!
- while at the spa..go shopping for cloths..one thing or two make the diference and make sure that say to him how much you like when he is wearing those, making you look hot etc etc (boost his esteem and also make him see other avenues of fashion...without forgetting the Psychological Pavel concept...). Christmas is coming...finding a gift for him will be easy for you these year, LOL!
- Everythime he make a face, rub your hand gently on his face, as you are errasing a board, the association of "making -errasing", even if it is not anoying him, will suggest him unconsiously that "that face is no-no".
- breath. many reason why: outside of dental hygene or problems; Diet, digestive problems can be the cause; stress also give bad breath due to hyper acidity. explore those factors and apply. You can also go very direct: "darling, are you sure you are OK (medical) because you do have often bad breath......preserving his feelings and not making him feel bad about it but still making him aware and conscient that you DO notice...
There is also classes for men to be a bit more "metro"...... | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:08:51 PM | You keep emphasizing on how "great /amazing" he is! What are YOUR feelings for him? Other than how good he is to you.
Lets keep it simple/real. You either want to spend the rest of your days with him because you cannot see yourself without him in your life - because of your love for each other.
Not that very complicated. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:09:28 PM | This souds like my ex bf.
When we met as sweet as he was I hated looking at the nose hairs and his breath was rank.
I told him in an email after our second date that maybe he had forgotten to brush his teeth that day or something but his breath was very distracting when he was talking to me.
He responded telling me no one had ever told him anything like that before and he appreciated the honesty. After that for the next three years he always had good breath or was chewing on a mint (he carried them with him all the time).
As for the nose and ear hairs, I bought him a personal hair trimmer from Avon and told him it was so he could look his very best. He said he didn't realize they made such items. He started using it and so that took care of the hair problem.
We broke up for other reasons, nothing to do with either of these items - I never did get him to dress like anything other than an old man by the way. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:13:29 PM | | I would suggest having an honest chat with him. But be kind and gentle. This is obviously a great guy and he doesn't deserve to be beaten down. But, before you have this chat, you might want to examine your feelings for him a little more closely. If you do have feelings for him and want a future, then go ahead and talk to him. If not, then let him go...nicely. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:20:39 PM | Look it seems as though you are looking for reasons to justify what you are NOT feeling for him. Nose hairs, bad breath, dressed out of fashion. These are not deal breakers it you had real feelings for him. Which you don't. He could have breath that smells like roses, zero nose hairs, and dressed GQ it still wouldn't make any difference.
Be kind to this man let him go to find someone that will love him for him, nose hairs and all. If you stay with him you are settling and will only break his heart. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:21:33 PM | “his kisses rock if I don't breath.” I’d guess this means there is chemistry.
His breath may or may not be dental, so along with the dentist get him a physical. Talk to this man. He may not understand the simple things he can do just to take care of himself. Educate him about the nose hair and buy him some of the clothes you’d like to see him in.
If these simple steps don’t improve things, then I agree, cut him loose so that some woman that will adore him can have him. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:26:56 PM | When we first met, there was chemistry. Probably the best kisses ever. But then, as time went on, he started moving waaaaay too fast and all his superficial flaws became more and more apparent.
I think I started to feel less and less attracted to him each time. The thing is, seriously, this guy is so amazingly wonderful that any girl that does get him, will be the luckiest girl in the world. I so badly want it to be me but I don't think I am feeling it like he is.
I've tried talkng to him about it, expressing my feelings, letting him go, and he just comes back with 'but you are the ONE, I know it' 'you are just scared, don't be.." stuff like that. I second guess myself with this guy, hence this post.
I want to be THE ONE to this guy but he has to be THE ONE for me as well, and right now, he's not. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:31:08 PM | OP... you need to go back and re=read your own post. REALLY read it, and then put yourself in our shoes. You'd see that the bottom part of your post stands out far more than the upper part. Not just for the words, but for the tone of them as well. If this was anyone else, you'd be telling them to leave.
I don't believe you're shallow. I think you probably lean toward the "easily irritated" category, and trust me... I've been there. I loved my ex-husband very much, what I knew of him. He was on the road for the first 3 yrs of our marriage. Was great. Everytime he came home (every 3 weeks) it was like a 2nd honeymoon. Then he decided he didn't want to work on the road anymore. He came home and got a job with the company I worked for. We were now together 24/7. That's when I realized the "little things" and the list could go on but the "biggest" little thing was how he went on & on & on, telling the same stories over & over, regardless of me answering "yes... at least 5 times!" to his asking "so did I tell you this....?"
Eventually, everytime he'd open his mouth I'd be screaming... in my head... "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!!" That's when I knew it was time to leave.
My reason for leaving didn't have anything to do with not loving him, or even the fact that he drove me nuts. It was because he deserved somebody that LOVES his little stories... everyTIME she hears them. Somebody that hangs on every word, not someone cringing everytime he opens his mouth. I truly left him for HIS good, it just happened to be a good thing for me too (I didn't end up in a looney bin!)
I hope that helps. He deserves better... and so do you.  | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:32:44 PM | | Are you kidding me? Bad breathe, errant nose hairs and no fashion sense seem to be some pretty solid evidence he’s not gay. Sabrosura asked you the most pertinent question. The only other question I have is why were you compelled to start a thread about it instead of discussing the issues with him? Now that I think about it, both questions probably have the same answer. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:46:29 PM | Why haven;t I talked to him about this????
Because the last thing I want to do is hurt this guys feelings for some superficial dumb*ss flaws. Believe me, I KNOW how terrible this sounds, but Ijust don't have the heart to say..sweetie, your breath is horrible or why don't we clip those nose hairs, or anything like that. | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:53:18 PM |
Why haven;t I talked to him about this????
Because the last thing I want to do is hurt this guys feelings for some superficial dumb*ss flaws. Believe me, I KNOW how terrible this sounds, but Ijust don't have the heart to say..sweetie, your breath is horrible or why don't we clip those nose hairs, or anything like that.
If you cannot be true to yourself, how can you expect to be for others? If these issues are pressing upon your mind, you owe it to yourself (and him) to be honest. It either works or it dosen't. You can't avoid the future, so why bother being worried about it? | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:56:31 PM | | sorry to say it sounds like wheelss down the road baby. the list will get longer with time. if you care you should let him know what the problems are for his own sake. after that go with your gut | |
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| Please help me bang my head on the wall more!!
Posted: 12/4/2007 7:57:52 PM | Seriously, in the chemistry isn't there then better to hurt his feeling now than later. You can't martyr your own needs to keep from hurting someone else who is going to end up hurt at some point in the future anyway.
Add up the misery you both would have to endure if you tell him and if you didn't tell him. If you tell him, he will be upset but he will get over it. If you DON'T tell him, you are not going to "get over" the fact that you settled for less than you wanted just so you wouldn't hurt his feelings.
You aren't being fair to him or yourself. | |
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