| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/6/2007 10:18:10 PM | I am wondering how many of the online singles are just shopping for Mr or Miss Perfect (for them) , for the rest of their lives, wont settle for anyone less than (fill in blank) here.
This past week I received a email from a gentleman that was not in my age range, or even in my country. He was polite, flirty and full of questions for me, that it sounded like he was ready to turn his life upside down in every way if,,, "IF" my answers were the ones he wanted to hear...
I almost deleted it without responding because (my justification) he was older than someone I want to share my life with, on the other side of the planet, has children living at home, well they are not children anymore and several other deal breakers...but I have read enough of the others that say it hurts their feelings, so I wrote him back and nicely declined, and ended up talking for a while, he is a very nice man and I am glad to have spoken to him and now consider him a bud...
I think most "online dating" people approach this as shopping for the perfect soul mate. When they go through searches they make a split second decision based on photographs supplied by the person in the profile (you know they are going to pick the best photo of themselves). That is a bit like being blind folded in a dark warehouse and aiming a gun at a target on the other side of the warehouse and having no bullets.
If the person looks "hot" or perfect or handsome or pretty, then and only then does the interest start, you read the profile, skip the red flags, ignore the things that they dont really like, but hey it might be "the one"... They put on their best voice, fix their hair and write an email trying to sound like they are confident, but not arrogant, kind but not a pushover, friendly but not to forward.
It is a crap shoot, what are the odds of two people atually getting along, falling in love, wanting the same life path and living happily ever after. They are holding out for Mr. or Miss perfect and nothing less will do. It is sad how people treat each other based on a few words and a couple of photos, sadder that they made a decision that they feel will keep them available for the "one"... as soon as they find them. What if we all answered quality emails, (not talking about the ones that say "Hey", or "Wassup"?) with kind words, a bit of a visit, some well wishes or plans to meet for a coffee as friends only to find out that they have a great single friend that likes horse back riding, NAScar, antiques and polka dancing,???,,,, just like you!!!, it is strange the way we dismiss people with no knowledge whatsoever of whom they are deleting.
On the other hand how crazy some get over a few words and a picture of someone (we have no way of knowing who it really is behind the cyber curtain. I have read where people fell in love with a photo and profile only to be mad as a hornet when they finally met the person they "love" and found them to be shorter than they said, less succesful than they said, with less hair, more weight than in the photo and showed up not driving the expensive sportscar in the photo (it is in the shop) and guys feel cheated and lied to when they go meet the "hottie" in person and she is not the underwear modle, no longer anerexic, not wearing the cleavage shirt (and hey! those were a lot bigger in that picture), is no longer a successful pharmacutical sales rep but a counter girl at the dry cleaners or video store... I really believe people fall in love with the person they have created in their own imagination
I feel it is important to always be a nice person, to everyone, waiters, store clerks, and all people. I sure dont see any point in being overly friendly and getting mixed signals... just polite and respectful. It doesnt cost you anything but integrity to be nice.
What do you think? Could we all be missing the opportunity for making good friends.??
BL ( I hope this is clear, I am exhausted)
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/6/2007 11:23:52 PM | | You make some valid points. Online dating has opened a whole new dating dimension. People can come on, see pictures,read about people, and contact them. On free sites like this it's much easier than pay sites such as eharmony and lavalife. And even though this can be seen as a good thing for some, it does have it's cons. For instance, on the internet it is so much easier to lie. How many of you have emailed someone that said they were looking for dating or long term only to find out once you meet them that they just want a quickie? Or what about those of us who've seen someone's picture, emailed them, set up a meeting, and they show up looking nothing like that picture? It is exactly like gambling. You are rolling the dice and hoping you don't get snake-eyes. My Mother always tells me there is no point coming on here because she said it's like shopping for a boyfriend and that I won't meet the right kind of guys on here. So far she's right. Yet on the other hand she tells me about people she knows (family and otherwise) that have met their significant other online. I mean I have an idea of what I want, but I don't click, look at pictures and then click back. I read profiles. And when someone emails me and I'm not interested, I explain that it's nothing to do with them, what they look like, their profile etc, it's just me and my preferences and what I'm looking for. And I always wish them good luck, just as I would have them do to me. Although in my few years on this site only about 2-3 guys have emailed back wishing me luck and saying no thank you. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 12:04:42 AM | Not taking a shot here, but your own profile states that only members with pictures may contact you. Personaly, I think we shouldn't even have them. Like anybody else it is easy to make decisions based on skin and headlines like it or not we all do it at some level. We all have our triggers for what we find attractive. It would be better in my opinion that we share conversation before we share images. It would better permit us to qualify any individual as being more or less right for us based on the ideas, thoughts, goals, and maybe even hardships that we share. Once we read the book then we can judge the cover.
I also agree with you that regardless of our findings we should all be considerate and nice to one another. There is nothing to gain from being a jerk. On that note, there is nothing to gain from lying either. It is a serious waste of time of which we all have little to spare.
By the way... I read your profile. Quite a story and cheers for you!! I to have struggled through much in life and came out in the end, but not without chapters of life that even I would rather forget. Continued good luck to you in all that you seek! | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 12:33:36 AM | That's why you should meet someone as soon as possible, to prevent the "falling in love with someone in your head" problem.
You can abuse online dating sites by being ridiculously picky, but doing that is just an easy way to justify your single state ("they're not good enough for me!") If you do that, you'll still be here 10 years from now.
Profiles are much more important than pics. I always read the profiles and look for deal-breakers. If there are no deal-breakers and some similarities, good. If there are shared interests, even better. But a picture is useful, because it gives you some idea of the person's appearance, and well, what we see does play a role in attraction. If all I wanted was pen-pals, then I wouldn't care at all about pictures. However, because I hope to find someone to kiss, the physical appearance does play a role. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 3:46:20 AM | If a man writes an interesting email to me, even if he lives in another country, I respond. No, he may not be in dating range, but he might be fascinating to get to know as a person and friend.
Photos do play a part. Granted, some people you wouldn't recognize without a time machine. But their smile, their eyes... those things remain the same. Those are what attracts my attention. Do their eyes smile also, or just their lips? Do they have laugh lines? Kind eyes? A down-turned mouth? Do they appear upbeat or down-trodden? That's what I look for in a person's photo. Not how much hair they have, or whether they are somewhat overweight, and certainly not what 'toys' are in the pictures.
I read their complete profile and any recent forum posts. Are they mostly writing in the 'Sex' threads or do they have a wide variety of areas they post in? You can learn a great deal about someone from their writings and in which areas they predominantly post.
So I have to say it's a combination of all aspects that intrigues me. And I've met some fascinating people in this fishing hole. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 3:56:54 AM |
I explain that it's nothing to do with them, what they look like, their profile etc, it's just me and my preferences and what I'm looking for.
Of course it's about them. It's about they don't meet your preferences. Quit lying to yourself. It's not MEAN to be honest. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 4:07:35 AM | A photo is most helpful.
First I look for a smile. A smiling person will be fun to meet.
If I meet a frowning person will leave me wondering if he thinks I'm ugly, then I will start frowning and he'll think I don't like him, which I don't because he's such hard work.
Secondly I look for age. People claim to be a certain age or claim to look younger than their age. But if they have white hair or faces like tramlines they may look too old for me. With me it's the opposite. I really do look young for my age. When Iput up a picture people reply to the real me, how I look, instead of reacting to my age on paper. I've even had people asking if I'm using a genuine photo because I don't look my age.
Also it' scary to meet somebody who hasn't seen the real you. One of you may be disappointed.
I might not think of asking about animals, but if he has a huge dog standing in front of him the size of a small pony he won't suit me. Great for other pet lovers, but I'm not a pet person.
So I like to go to a meeting knowing who I'm going to see and that they will greet me with a big smile. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 4:35:34 AM | | I don't have time to read every profile that comes up in my searches so photos do make a big difference there. As far as responding to emails, I do try to write everyone who writes me but there's no way I have time to meet them all. There usually has to be a pretty strong desire on both sides to keep the email conversations going long enough to make the decision to meet. Sometimes guys catch me at a good time; sometimes not. The times I've met someone when I knew that it was probably just a friendship interest on my part, they have always wanted more. I am very outgoing, playful, and I genuinely enjoy people, and sadly that is almost always taken as a romantic interest by the man even when it isn't. So, unless it's very clearly established that I don't see it going in a romantic direction (not that it couldn't, but that for now, I do not have those feelings), I don't usually meet them or talk to them on the phone. It's just too awkward and honestly, not many men are here looking for friends anyway. Women like making lots of friends; men want women mostly for romantic or sexual purposes it seems. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 4:38:12 AM | Though I've not been here a great deal, yours is probably one of the more thought out posts I've seen. And quite right too. It's like a night club, in a sense, to much emphasis is placed on first impressions, mostly because of peoples own perceived expectations.
There is no such thing as Mr or Miss Right/perfect or prince charming etc. These things only exist in the realm of peoples' heads, no where else. And anyone that thinks otherwise, is only deluding themselves really. Anyone who understands psychology would know this. And it's probably one of thee biggest reasons why a great deal of people are (still) single. They think that such a person exist at the end of the tunnel, and who can blame them, with so many people to pick and choose from, it's easy to dismiss one person for whatever & any reason because we think the next one round the corner may be better.
Personally, I've not *initiated* contact with anyone since I've joined the site here, namely because none of the profiles I've read/come across thus far have really grabbed my interest (well, one or two have, but I am a bit blarrzay [not sure how that's spelt] about the whole thing atm). And it surprises me the number of favorites some profiles have, considering their profile lack of essence, simply (& most probably) because of how good a person may look or how appealing they are to the opposite sex.
At the end of the day, unless people change their attitudes, not much is going to change; for them or others and people will continue to be single or in relationships where they're not happy (because of their own unrealistic expectations). And so there's no point in losing sleep or worrying about something you can't change. All one can do is their part. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 4:48:35 AM | Well, I must say that these are very articulate answers and comments, also concise. The first thing I did was hunt down the toggle to switch the "only photos" allowed to “all skate”… I was unaware of that setting, and changed a few more....too :)
Nautical Star, well said!!, and I too have heard and read of the couples that met up and clicked perfectly which I guess is why we all are still here.
What started this thought process was...I was just finishing up a quick note to my bud and it dawned on me, had I just deleted his email and moved on, I would not have a very interesting and hilarious friend in my life, well… cyber life and declared that I would take a few extra seconds to give a bit of myself to all I come in contact with in general. You were already doing what my resolution is… that is awesome. I am not sure why it wasn’t much of a priority for me before… great response, thanks.
Guitar Fingers, you are right about that and I don’t take it as a shot, I don’t want to be excluding people based on looks as much as I don’t want to accept them totally on what they look like in some hand picked photo. I agree with you completely that dishonesty is a total waste of time, and destroy any chance of a relationship because of the lie, not what they are lying about. I guess for some the fear of being hurt, a feeling that they could win them over if they met in person and had a chance to sit eye to eye, or are in denial about said issue, or lie about everything is reason to lie about things not considering the all too real fact that when they do meet, the lies are exposed, and it kills the deal. I thank you for your sweet words and return the wish for you. I guess I came to a few realizations recently and instead of “hanging” on to the day of total recovery, I am going to live my life as if those things did not happen, be more upfront and honest about the sad things that I experienced and not hide it thinking it might sound like I was whining or complaining, just giving a better snapshot of who I am, what is going on in my life at this time. I may potentially show others that really bad things can happen in your life and you can still be a good person, it doesn’t have to destroy you and that they are not the only one that has had the fertilizer hit the fan. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, really nice.
MillsaPhd Very true, I realized how much weight is placed on the photos, how quickly people have dismissed people based on answers from a questionnaire that lightly scans the priorities and on some questions do not allow an individual response and none of the choices are accurate. In your answer, “the game starts when the 2 meet” is very true, I guess we are using this as a way to meet in person to get the eye to eye meeting.
It might be that we are all hoping to weed out the people we perceive are not even close to what is our “mind-set” for ourselves… Thanks for your words of truth.
Aurora 772 I will take responsibility for al the silly things I have done, however I was not admitting to falling in love with an imagination. (this time) I feel that most statements fly better with “they”, “our” and “we” in stead of “you” or “I” when it comes to actions done by most people from one time or another. For instance…(modification of your second response to include everyone,) ok here is my attempt: “People can abuse online dating sites by being ridiculously picky, but that is just an easy way to justify ones single state (“they’re not good enough for me!”) If people do that, they will be here 10 years from now. (there, now I feel better, I am pretty sure lots of people have done that at one time or another)
I agree that profiles are more important, yet are flawed in the sense that they do not reveal everything needed for a solid decision on if we should meet this or any person with the dating in mind. Pen pals, friends, and other levels or relationships are great and we all probably have plenty of them but are here looking for Mr Right or Miss Right and these are the tools available to us, all that to say, I agree, physical appearance is a large part of attraction. I just had realized how I was “shopping” looking only at the cover without any consideration of the actual story and wont do that anymore. I also saw that lots of people were doing similar things and may want to reflect on how they communicate in this all new dating world. There just could be a lot of people with more friends and less hurt feelings. I also just wonder what we all could do or say to give a better glimpse into who we really are, taking the entire emphasis off of the way we look and how much of our personality we can cram into a few answers Seriously, what could we do?
BL. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 12/7/2007 9:04:23 AM | Hey BL...
Again I think your outlook is just awesome, and the things you shared on your profile say far more about you than any smile could give away.
Though some as you say may read that you are a complainer, I read that you are a survivor, that through sheer determination you made it through the hardships. Something that no smile would have told me. And.... yes there are others who can and should take that inspiration to heart and realize we are not beaten till we surrender to our circumstances. You should never hide those experiences and even though unpleasant, cherish the wisdom, insight, strength and experiences that came with them.
Any person who was to make a surface analysis of me today could easily come to the conclusion that I might be pompas, unapproachable or even superficial. Why? I drive a Mercedes, I am a business owner, I live in an upsacale area, and many other minor details that make people draw conclusions by what they see.
It wouldn't be till they broke bread with me that they would learn that I grew up in the projects, done lots of drugs, was a high school drop out, lost both of my parents while in my early 20's and became homeless. I don't measure myself by some of the trinkets that might adorn my life today, but in comparison do measure those who have surrendered. My attitude only comes from the knowledge of knowing as individuals we have the power to change, and it is never to late.
I am far from rich in monetary value, but am rich in the knowledge that I am invincible as a human. I also am not certain where life will take me as I am still closet cleaning from the past, but not afraid of the destination or the path to get there.
Ok... that turned into a rant... sorry. Just goes to show you that people have to TALK to one another.
BTW - Wildlife rehab? I used to be a volunteer worker for the US Fish and Wildlife, an experience that I would suggest to anybody. The cool thing about animals is, they can hide nothing and are always honest. They don't judge on appearance, and thier motivations are right out there on display for all to see.... lol
Rock On! | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:29:20 PM | Granted.....ANY part of a persons Profile Can be a *Lie*...
The Headline...the Photo...the Narrative...
So . . there has to be a certain degree of Trust in a persons Honesty...
Even picking a Screen Name can make a statement about a person...!
Is it creative..??
Or as Dull as your Name and Birthdate..??
A lack of a Photo sends up the First red flag . . !! | |
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bsg789
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 14 | |
| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:14:40 PM | | I wouldn't reject a man because he had a mediocre photo. However if there is something about a man that is obvious dealbreaker to me ( much older than me, obesity etc ) then I wouldn't have any interest in him. | |
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jf468
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 15 | |
| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:07:55 PM | I wouldn't reject a man because he had a mediocre photo. However if there is something about a man that is obvious dealbreaker to me ( much older than me, obesity etc ) then I wouldn't have any interest in him.
I agree. I wouldn't turn down a man just because he isn't exactly my ideal type. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:20:35 PM | We are attracted to what we are attracted to. Be it photos or words if the look doesn't flip our switch and the words dont move us we click "Next"
Bash, praise or question the process all you want, it is what it is. It's superficial, its meant to be superficial and all attempts at making it more than superficial (eharmony, chemistry etc.) fail.
But in reality it no more different than walking through a grocery store... you see someone and if they appeal you look closer, if not, you pass them by without a 2nd glance. If they are really appealing you might try to get close enough to start a conversation but one look in their basket at all their wierd food and you walk off. Get past those two hurdles and if the person can string two words together in a reasonable fashion you try to make the conversation last... maybe even get a date.
If the process breaks down at any point you move on... all very superficial and to claim the process is more than it is is simply delusional.
You dont get to know someone until you spend a lot of time with them... until then, its easy come, easy go. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:48:35 PM | | However.........while I agree we should be polite, a lot of us simply don't have the time or desire to spend the hours of time it would take to become "internet pals" with everyone who writes. Yes, they may be a great person ....... but for myself, I'm not looking to pass the time and chit chat with someone who is clearly not what I'm looking for. Plus often when you do chit chat with someone and you're not interested but don't want to be rude, what you're doing is leading them on and wasting their time. I don't think that's very nice. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:47:06 PM | wow... a cool thread with interesting insights and thoughts, well introduced OP!
I am still thinking about that. I am not sure whether I can really define what certain thing raises my interest, it seems to be the whole package that has to fit.
Sometimes I read things like "living life to the fullest" or "living each day like the last one" and I think hey, that's me! But when looking at the pictures, seeing her on parties, in front of her sportscar, half naked in front of her cam... well, then I think "oh... that way!" knowing I've got the wrong idea.
I am grateful if people have some pictures up, they reflect their interests too, they may show you their focus, they tell you so much more about them than just the look... And even if it is against the PoF rules, I like it if someone has a picture without a face on it, a sundown, the little creek behind the house, the cat chasing bees or a rainbow connecting the mountains and the sea... this gives me an idea about that person too.
I am even more grateful if they write at least a few lines. Some people have the gift to write in a way that you can read between the lines. Sometimes they write pretty simple things, but they put you in a spot that you know so well and you have a chance to catch an idea of them or even a glimpse of their personality. Often it's a pleasure to find out if this idea is true....
Yea... this is what I like most. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:45:50 PM | It may sound shallow but I find Pictures important too. To see who you are reading about and to see their character. I am a visual person being an artist. And if you have nothing to hide then let eveyone know who you are.
I too like the photos with personality, it does show what they are thinking.
The photos men put up of their rippling muscles shows that they are looking for someone just as shallow. Come on guys you dont need to do that! Or have them draping over all their assets looking for their next conquest.
"ooh, that guy has a big truck, I want him.." what a turn off..
Photos are a big part of the profile. Read between the pics.. LOL | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:11:17 AM | | The way I see it is that everyone has feelings and I refuse to judge people based solely on the pictures in their profile. Pictures rarely tell you anything about a person, attractive means nothing if they have the personality of a brick. I will respond to anyone that contacts me and make my decisions after getting to know them. The best looking dessert isn't necessarily the tastiest, its whats inside that counts. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:18:42 AM | A picture does matter, sorry but it does.... and the more true to life your picture looks like you, the better chances of finding someone who will want to date you.
Even before the internet, looks mattered....
I dont care if a person is the sweetest person on earth, if your not physically attracted to them.... its not going to go anywhere or amount to a date or relationship.
Sorry but thats just how it is... attractive, young and healthy people ( online or in real life) always do better in dating than non attractive, non healthy and aged people.
It's a shallow world, deal with it. | |
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| Interested? or Not interested based on a photo a headline?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:22:50 AM | | Of course everyone is looking for a perfect match, even though anyone with an IQ higher than a rock should know such a thing doesn't exist. If you can find someone who meets 75% of your expectations, you should pounce on them. I swear, if I didn't know any better (actually I don't) I would think that women are too lazy to get involved in a relationship. If it takes the least little bit of effort, they don't want anything to do with it. So, does this mean all the work will be left up to me? Since I don't date men, I don't know how they are about this kind of thing, unless going fishing is considered "dating", in which case I have to say that men are a lot more fun on dates than women. | |
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