| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/7/2007 11:50:59 PM | what i dont understand is,men or women will send messages and comment that your or attractive or hot or pretty and so on but you say they are not your type and your peged as being shalow. so what i get from that is,they can be attracted to you,but yet you dont need to be attracted to them just because they mite be nice.should it not go both ways? should there not be some attraction for you to want to meet?and then what if you do go on that date.and you know they are not right for you at the end of the date.you cant force yourself to feel something just because they do.im not saying i want some drop dead hot guy but there has to be some attraction with that great personalaty .i hate hurting ppl,but what some have to realize is you know what you want and if your not it.just let it go and move on.
do any other women or men have this problem and how do you deal without hurting someones feelings in the process? | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/7/2007 11:55:57 PM | You know what you want and attempt to let them down nicely when they don't fit it.... what more can you do? Date him because he is pouting? Lol...
I have had men say some pretty mean things to me because of the same... have even had men send scripture to me.... I gotta tell you.. it all has really made me question why I didn't want to date them in the first place | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 12:08:21 AM | | whats funny about it all.is you will meet ppl anywere that mite seem interesting at first.but if its not there after that first date.its just not gona be there.lol | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 12:18:13 AM | | Well, of course the attraction must be mutual, and those whom you reject do realize and understand this (unless you’re dating a block of wood). The reason some will become angry and play the “your shallow” card is because your rejection has bruised their fragile ego. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 12:23:44 AM | | i think you have a point there.think it is a ego thing.....but hell ive met ppl also where i wasent realy there type after we talked during a date and see we dont have much in commen.and ive even turned down attractive guys because personalaty wize just wasnt great. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 12:49:30 AM | I wouldn't want a woman with me if she wasn't attracted to me. Men are lucky in that women can be attracted to personality more than looks (actually as I get older a woman's personality is much more important than her looks but I still have to be able to comfortably envisage being intimate with her).
Most of the women who 'favouritise' me on dating sites are 10-15 years older than me (and I'm pretty old already!) now if I did that to women 10-15 years younger than me those women would find that pretty freaky/pervy and it makes me laugh when a much older woman then me tells me I'm too old for her.
It's down to the unconscious really - the age doesn't make much of a difference and it's a lot to do with the way the person makes you feel. I don't much look for a type. But I do generally tell people early on if my unconscious isn't going 'ooh' because you're right OP, you don't control it.
It can be disappointing for both parties when you don't feel something for the other because let's face it both are looking for it so both have missed the boat. It's unfair to blame the other person who isn't attracted to you - we have little control of whether or not we get the hots for someone.
I've several times told women who were pretending to be interested in me that actually they weren't (they were wanting to use me for some 'useful purpose') - I left my wife of 13 years because although she wanted to have lots of babies with me (she wanted 6 and I stopped at 4 - as soon as I caught on she wasn't actually attracted to me and was just using me I refused to have more children and the relationship folded). And I've had beautiful women go as far as stalking me and following me home from work and have quickly figured they were looking to use me for something eg put a roof over their heads for a while after they've split with someone.
They'll talk to me about my opinion on their breast size and whether or not I'd like to do it up against a tree and I can tell they're just trying to manipulate. So it isn't just about 'does someone fancy you' it's also about 'can this person offer you the kind of relationship that actually enriches your life'.
Physical attraction is just the tip of the iceberg really. But yes, it needs to be mutual to even start the ball rolling. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 1:33:32 AM | Physical attraction is just the tip of the iceberg really. But yes, it needs to be mutual to even start the ball rolling.
I could'nt agree more,if you don't fit what more is there to say?
It's not like throwing a temper tantrum over the net, is going to make things better.
I'm just glad when some one agree's to chat,if it does'nt work out in the long run or whatever, just bow out like a gentlemen and thank them for their time! | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 1:59:25 AM | frnchkisss wrote:
what i dont understand is,men or women will send messages and comment that
your or attractive or hot or pretty and so on but you say they are not your type
and your peged as being shallow.
If I like rock music instead of jazz, does that make me shallow? If I like tall women
instead of short, does that make me shallow? The point being this: is it really worth
giving any opinion weight to someone who might regard you as shallow just because
you have personal tastes and preferences which might be different from who they
are?
It's not shallow. You simple like what you like -- these things are simply a matter
of personal taste.
And if somebody says otherwise, then perhaps their opinion is not worth your
consideration (just like the homeless person on the street who's yelling at us but
who hasn't been taking his med -- we don't take any of his insults personally, we
don't give that commentary any weight, but rather only feel sympathy for him).
so what i get from that is,they can be attracted to you,but
yet you dont need to be attracted to them just because they mite be nice. should
it not go both ways? should there not be some attraction for you to want to
meet?
Yes, you are correct -- for you to meet someone, they should be attracted to you
AND you should also be attracted to them. But if only one person of the two
finds the other one attractive, then clearly that's not a match.
do any other women or men have this problem and how
do you deal without hurting someones feelings in the process?
I wrote a woman once and she wrote back "Thank-you for your interest
but I don't think we'd be a match. Good luck with your continued search. "
That got the message across but seem to me to do so in a rather polite and
elegant way.
Hope that's of help,
CJ | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 3:09:45 AM | | you can try to not hurt someones feelings but sometimes no matter what you say, how tactful you are... won't matter. dating is a place where you only have to save yourself. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 6:42:03 AM | | Write to them for a while first, and if they still want to meet you. it is definitely only because of your looks. It certainly isn't because of your intellect. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 8:07:55 AM | Dayum there's a lotta hotties on this thread!
Guys who get mad when you politely decline an invitation should just get out of the gene pool, sheesh!
Meanwhile, think about it this way.........guys like me make you look all that more attractive.  | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 8:32:58 AM |
Dayum there's a lotta hotties on this thread
I'll say. You included....
OT, absolutely right attraction should go both ways and pouty (or worse) men make it worse for themselves. Who wants to be with someone who sulks and/or gets nasty when they dont get their own way at the initial contact? What are they going to be like in 1 months time? Mind boggles. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 8:55:27 AM | I totally agree OP... you can't be attracted to someone just because they are to you. Some times no matter how hard you try that attraction doesn't grow. It is just not there.
It is difficult to carry on a relationship with some one you are not attracted to for more than a friendship.
I get the same kind of letters and I often think their attraction is below the belt for them.
ttraction should go both ways.right???? | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 9:06:15 AM |
I'll send some fireworks and a cake!
Hey, let me know and I WILL PERSONALLY JUMP OUT OF THAT CAKE( it's gonna be a mighty big cake, let's invite everybody on PoF or we are gonna be eating cake forfreakinever)
Cindy O | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 10:12:09 AM |
what i dont understand is,men or women will send messages and comment that your or attractive or hot or pretty and so on but you say they are not your type and your peged as being shalow. so what i get from that is,they can be attracted to you,but yet you dont need to be attracted to them just because they mite be nice.should it not go both ways? should there not be some attraction for you to want to meet?and then what if you do go on that date.and you know they are not right for you at the end of the date.you cant force yourself to feel something just because they do.im not saying i want some drop dead hot guy but there has to be some attraction with that great personalaty .i hate hurting ppl,but what some have to realize is you know what you want and if your not it.just let it go and move on. If you are truly not attracted to that man, there has to be a reason. After all, if that man became a famouns movie star, loads of women who are currently not attracted to him, would instantly become very attracted to him. So, attraction is not set in stone. If you feel that attraction is unchangeable, then you will always be attracted to the same looks and personality in men, even if they are abusive to you again and again.
do any other women or men have this problem and how do you deal without hurting someones feelings in the process? Imagine that you work in a bank. Imagine you give out the mortgages. Now imagine that a very nice woman comes in and wants a mortgage to buy a house. You fill in the application forms with her. However, she reveals that she is self-employed, and that she cannot guarantee that she can make the minimum payments each month. She cannot even guarantee that she will apy back that load. She is not entitled to it, as she could lose the bank money. What you say to her? "I'm sorry. You are not the bank's type"? No. You would do everything in your power to explain that although there is nothing wrong with her, she simply cannot be sure that she will pay the bank back their money, and you would not be fair to the bank if you allowed her to take that loan in the first place.
Now understand that there is little difference between this situation and dealing with rejecting a date.
If you ever want to question this, remember what it felt like, when the guy who was perfect for you, and that you were perfect for, and who dated females who took advantage of him, again and again, turned you down, because you were "not his type", even though the very next woman he dated, and married, was identical to you, in looks and personality. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 10:24:31 AM | So true, mutual attraction should come from both sides, because no matter what else is on the table, the whole thing will crash and burn sooner or later if it's only one sided.
It's either there, or it's not and heaven help you if you are absolutely smitten, can't sleep, can't think straight, bump into walls, speak jibberish with a lopsided grin, put the milk away in the cupboard and the clean plates in the fridge!
I know someone who really did this, and no, it wasn't me, thank goodness!
Pink | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 10:38:04 AM |
I'll say. You included....
Thanks, but, uh oh, that came out wrong, I meant average guys like myself make good looking women look hotter.
Ehh, the moment is gone, lol. | |
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reijo3
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Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 19 | |
| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 10:44:31 AM | That is 100 per cent correct Frau.
But it does hurt badly when someone says there is no connection (IE attraction). It makes a person feel like they aren't good enough. So they resort to the shallow card as a defence mechanism. At the same time, I understand the hurt they must feel | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 10:47:53 AM | Yes, sometimes you just wonder "What are they thinking?" When you say you're looking for a woman who's college-educated, slender, between 25 and 40, and not a smoker, and you get a message from someone who's 45, heavy, a smoker, and not college educated, how do you respond? I write back something like "I don't see any basis for encouraging you", and am always gentlemanly and polite, but gee, how desperate can you be to answer a profile when you are not remotely qualified? They even write things like "I'll quit for the right guy". Sure you will...
WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 10:53:16 AM | hmmm..
what is attration anyway?
I am attracted to sarcasm
I am attracted to geeks that like to play chess..
I am attracted to smiles
I am attracted to that little crease......(sighs)..oops..never mind!
I think that.. to think of only the way someone looks..truly is shallow. Now if you have had a few conversations with someone, or didnt relate to their profile. (not the pic) and realize that you have nothing in common or the person is a butt head.....then you wouldnt be shallow!!
to recite on of my favorite quotes in here once again....
"However good someone looks, there is always someone else who has had to put up with their crap" (edited to protect the prudes)
hmmm....now if you saw some drop dead knock out gorgeous person in here and he/she had nothing to say in their profile or in an actual conversation.. but they wanted to meet/date you...........would you? | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 10:56:23 AM | Yes! It NEEDS to go both ways!! Attraction is not only looks, but it sure plays a big part. Before online dating, looks was the basis of most attraction. After that initial attraction, you delve deeper to see if there is attraction on that deeper level. So that the whole package is attractive to you as a potential mate.
I'm tired of this bullsh*t about people saying looks don't matter at all. Sorry but they matter. That doesn't mean everyone is going after the hottest people. I think somewhere people starting thinking that this whole attraction thing meant that everyone wanted to date the hot people! I also think alot of people in these forums say things that are politically correct instead of honest. I love posts by people who have a strong interesting opinion even if I don't agree with it.
I don't understand why half the people who are on here are even on here!! They can't take nor give rejection.
It is not difficult to say 'thank you very much for your message, but I am not interested - all the best". Or "I don't see this going anywhere romantic, but it was nice to meet you". I have never shot someone down if they were not interested in me. What is the point really? My ego has sustained far more crushing blows than simply being rejected on a dating site or after a few dates.
I don't even take a read/delete personally - they don't want to talk to me because they are not attracted to me or something in my profile doesn't suit them, no biggie I can respect that. The same goes for the age thing, if a woman is not interested in a certain age range - stop trying to push the damn issue - accept it and go on with your life and stop whining! Some people will date a range of ages and some (like me) don't want to! Obviously you need to be contacting those that do! I would never contact a guy who puts something in his profile that I don't fit (age, children etc.) what is the point?! | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 11:03:32 AM |
That is 100 per cent correct Frau.
But it does hurt badly when someone says there is no connection (IE attraction). It makes a person feel like they aren't good enough. So they resort to the shallow card as a defence mechanism. At the same time, I understand the hurt they must feel.
Who hasn't felt rejection? Yeah, it sucks. However, the only one who can make you feel that you "aren’t good enough" is yourself (and that’s a hypothetical “you”---not you, specifically). Realistically, everyone will encounter far more non-matches than they will matches. It’s just the way of the world. To get angry, bent out of shape, and “hurt badly” because one person (that you don’t even know) doesn’t “feel it” for you seems irrational to me. IMO, rejection from a virtual stranger should “sting”; not be a gut-wrenching experience. If someone is feeling this way, and needs to retaliate with barbs and insults, then I would think they need to work on their self-esteem. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 11:05:36 AM | Good Post Scorpio but I think business and personal attraction should not be compared. Many times you would have some one come in for a bank loan as you mentioned, you never compare your personal attraction or personal feelings to business,
If you were a loans officer and a hot babe come in, would you Ok her loan because you were totally attracted to her looks, body, personality, but a real loser in real life, no credit rating, of course not, maybe I read it all wong.
Mutual attraction should be on both parts but some times no matter how hard you try you just can't find that attraction for someone if it isn't there,
I have worked on relationships I was not at all attracted to the guy but thought hey, why not give it a chance, what have I got to lose, maybe nothing more than a good friend.get to know him, there may be something interesting there. Later realizing if some men can't have it all they wont settle for just friendship.
Some I can't see there ever being a tiny bit of attraction so I just say, sorry there is no attraction on my part.
We are all different and what attracts one may not attract another.
I know it hurts when someone says, Hey I am not at all attracted to you but it's better to know than to lead them on. | |
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| attraction should go both ways.right????
Posted: 12/8/2007 11:43:58 AM |
Who hasn't felt rejection? Yeah, it sucks. However, the only one who can make you feel that you "aren’t good enough" is yourself (and that’s a hypothetical “you”---not you, specifically). Realistically, everyone will encounter far more non-matches than they will matches. It’s just the way of the world. To get angry, bent out of shape, and “hurt badly” because one person (that you don’t even know) doesn’t “feel it” for you seems irrational to me. IMO, rejection from a virtual stranger should “sting”; not be a gut-wrenching experience. If someone is feeling this way, and needs to retaliate with barbs and insults, then I would think they need to work on their self-esteem.
Yes, but sometimes the constant drone of "no's" can be wearing. What's particularly difficult is when the 'no' seems arbitrary and capricious. You sometimes wonder 'why' when there seems to be, on paper, a good deal of common ground. | |
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