| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 1:35:11 AM | My daughter is 23 and her boyfriend is 44 im cool with that. What worries me is that he takes her to swingers parties. She said they dont touch anyone else but they liked to be watched having sex. I have to wonder if he genuinly loves her if he lets others see her parts that should be for his eyes only. He also gives her extacy sometimes and she s getting grumpy with my 4yr old grandson. Ive expressed my feelings to her but she stopped talking to me for months and i didnt get to see my grandson so i made up and reluctantly appoligeised. shes head over heals madly in love with this man. Guys be truthfull is there a chance he trully loves her. And what can i do except wait for the outcome | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 1:56:19 AM | Yuck. I don't like this at all.
But, I'll pick apart your post. It's got a lot of parts to it.
My daughter is 23 and her boyfriend is 44 im cool with that.
For some reason, you're fine with this part, but not the next part. Ok. I wouldn't be, but ok.
if he lets others see her parts that should be for his eyes only.
Who made this rule? This is an odd way of thinking to me.
He also gives her extacy sometimes and she s getting grumpy with my 4yr old grandson.
Yeah, it has a habit of doing this. Ask any raver what their mood is on Monday or Tuesday when their serotonin levels are depleted.
Deceptively nasty drug really. Causes permanent damage. Get her on some Prozac or 5HTP or something to counter it...or, you know. Talk to a doctor and not the internet about this.
In my opinion, who gives a shit if he loves her? There's something really toxic about this whole thing, even if he does. At best, she comes around. At worst, she goes out of control with her life and the kid ends up in foster care or messed up for life. | |
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mexas
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Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 4 | |
| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 2:14:00 AM | Giving drugs to your girlfriend in order to make her wild and want sex more isn't love. She is addicted to drugs as much as she is addicted to the person who is giving them to her. You've got to be worry for you little grandchild .I feel sorry for the little kid | |
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mexas
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Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 5 | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 2:30:28 AM | personal opinion: Thats not love, its abuse.
You should go and see a professional counselor and get their opinion.
The POF forums are great for many forms of advice, but this is something that you need to seek professional advice with. | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 2:32:39 AM | This looks extremely iffy to me. Taking Class-As is not legal for one. Mixing drugs with sex is generally not a great idea. Drugs increase the libido. They should not be needed at all, IMHO. At 44, I would expect that he would know how to get her "motor running", so to speak, without any effort at all.
Also, the whole idea of voyeurism, while it is OK for some people, has to be a mutual & mature decision.
If she could talk to you calmly and rationally about all this, and explain it in a way that makes it clear to you that it is her own choice, independent of him, and that she is not doing this to please him in any way at all, then I would say it is her choice, but the drugs are risking her health, especially if she does not get pure MDMA, as such drugs are often "cut" (mixed) with things like bleach.
Oddly enough, I just defended a younger woman going for an older man. But in this case, it sounds like she is just trying to please him, and he is taking advantage of her.
The fact that you approve of this man, and yet that he allowed his girlfriend to lose touch with her mother for months, which is the most important and significant relationship anyone can have, is even more worrying for me.
I would not recommend any woman to date a man that gives her drugs when she has sex, or that takes her to such parties. It should be her choice and her choice alone.
The only thing I can think of, is NOT to criticise her. Only to tell her that you know that she is smart enough to figure out things for herself. If you criticise her judgement, you will not change her mind. You will simply destroy her ability to think for herself, and make her even more reliant on him. However, if you show honest and sincere appreciation for every time that she makes any decision at all, then she will value her own judgement and decision-making more and more, until she will make up her mind what she wants in her relationship, and she will open herself to examining what she has previously accepted in the relationship for self-examination. The more confidence she has in her own decisions, then if she is being taken advantage of, the more she will see this for herself, and if she is being taken advantage of, she will throw his sorry a** out.
Encourage her to believe in herself, no matter what you think. Give her permission to be an adult. Then, she will be. | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 2:37:16 AM |
And what can i do except wait for the outcome
If it were my child I would talk to the boyfriend, but then I am not even cool with the age difference. I would tell him, if he wants to continue dating my daughter he is going to have to kick my ass.
In your situation, you might call Guido. | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 3:04:10 AM | | i feel sorry for him too. i look after him most weekends. He begs me to stay longer and she begs me to keep him longer. I tried saying no to babysitting over night so they wouldnt have the opportunity to do what they do. It backfires on me and him coz she gets some random guy shes sharing a flat with to look after him. So i take him. i have a lot of fun with him but feel im contributing to there freedom to get wild. This little boy is my life, hes my only grandchild and has a beautiful nature. | |
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mexas
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Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 10 | |
| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 3:15:26 AM | | i see how you feel.My grandmother was my rock when I was a kid.I think this kid would be better living with you. You've got to be strong for him and if your daughter doesn't change you might make her do something by telling her you will go the social services and ask the child to be given to you prmanently.It's crule but what she might do to the kid is even cruler.I wish you luck | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 3:22:35 AM | womanofsubstance this is quite the predictament ... I agree with what scorpiomover has said about criticism ... by speaking against her choice in a man ... you are eroding her confidence in decision making and mate choosing ... we all have and will make terrible decisions in this regard ... however these choices do not normally interfere with our health and well being ... nor that of our children ...
One thing I do know for sure ... no matter what case you state ... your daughter or anyone for that matter tends to choose the side of the one that they are sleeping with ...
Tread carefully ... you have to be extremely careful as to what you say as well as how you say it ...
As for your grandson ... I personally would keep him as much as I could ... go for legal guardianship if necessary ... at least you know that he will be cared for and he will not be subjected to her moodiness and or possible abuse when she crashes from her high or goes off and leaves him with someone else or heaven forbid leaves him alone !! ... You have not mentioned the childs father ... Is he in the picture at all ??? Would he be willing to step up and help you to care for his child ??? As far as I am concerned ... there is little or nothing that can be done to help your daughter ... unless she requests it ... but we are talking about an innocent child here ... his welfare and safety should be first and foremost ... I would do whatever is necessary to protect him ... Have you ever considered a call to Social Services ???
The question here should not be does he love her, but rather ... does she love her child ??? | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 3:41:11 AM | I see nothing wrong with any of it except. drugs and having a small child in the house, maybe you can babysit if she plans to spend the day high in case the child gets hurt, someone rational is around.
She is an adult and its her life. If she agrees to swinger parties its because she gets off on them, just like he does. I'd worry more about the kid she has and if she capable to parent since she has the lifestyle she chooses, its maybe not a good one for kids to be in. If you can't take the child full time, maybe see about adoption.
Concerning your daughter, she is an adult... who enjoys having sex with an older man while people watch, she is doing that of her free will..... she is responsible for the consequences.. if there are any. I'd stay out of her personal life on that matter if I were you. | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 4:30:24 AM | Huh? Am i reading this correctly?? Your daughter's young enough to be HIS daughter,he's giving her drugs,& taking her to swingers parties....???
WTF ???......where does "love " come into any of this???
He sounds like a dirty ole pervert,& id want my daughter as far away from this guy as i could..............  | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 5:03:47 AM |
My daughter is 23 and her boyfriend is 44
That is why most younger men cannot date women in their age group! You have to be older, more experienced, in order to attract women who are not teenagers! I can't wait until I'm 44 and can attract a 23 year old woman!
Guys be truthfull is there a chance he trully loves her.
There is always a chance for everything! Even I have a chance (however minute it may be ) with the occasional woman who finds herself down on her luck or is "rebounding".
However, the likelihood that any given man is willing to actually love a woman decays exponentially with respect to how many times he has been turned down and ignored by materialistic, superficial and conniving women.
Ecstasy is actually a really hard drug. I would tell her not to do such strong drugs. Swingers parties? Come on now... | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 6:16:03 AM |
I know this is ask a guy but I just had to say he sounds like a big f*cking a$$hole
Personally, I don't think the male should be criticised any more than the mother. It's not as if she seems to be contesting that sort of lifestyle.
To the OP.... as difficult as it may be, you cannot assume a responsibility that isn't yours (meaning childcare). Your daughter obviously takes it out on you and she will always do so until she decides to grow up. You are fighting two people at once..... they will wear you down and beat you, emotionally..... that's how users behave. | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 6:24:50 AM | If I had a girlfriend that age and she was willing I would certainly take her to swinger parties, but only to watch. I would like to go to one and I never have. They don't invite single men unless you happen to look like, well, like I did 20 years ago. Back then I didn't think about such things because there was no internet porn universe bringing them to my fevered attention. I think I would probably go once and have my curiosity satisfied. I would not have sex with her in front of people. The laughter would ruin it for me, I'm afraid. He sounds like an exhibitionist, which is the rest of us call swingers. The question is, does she like it? If she enjoys doing it, too, then it works for both of them. If she is only doing it to please him, the sisterhood must put an end to that example or who knows, it could spread.
Let's say it is something she regrets later. OK, how bad is it? Is she damaged goods for life and in ruins? Or is she like the rest of us, walking around with a memory we wouldn't want among the highlights of our best decisions? I think public sex is a very minor thing, especially in a setting exactly for it, which is actually a private setting if the blinds are drawn. They have an annual gathering called Swingstock. I looked at that site and it seemed to me the people had a pretty healthy and naturalistic view of sex.
Sharing her sexually would be if other people had sex with her. In my view, he is showing her off sexually. And maybe she is the one showing herself off. Maybe you just have an exhibitionist daughter. Is the problem her supposed well-being or mom's shame? | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 6:34:38 AM | There are numerous danger signs in this relationship.
1) Huge age difference. At 23, being with a man who is 44, is a BIG difference. He is probably with such a young woman because most women his age wouldn't go along with his deviancy. Young women are more easily manipulated. I would NOT be cool with it.
2) Takes her to swingers parties. This isn't love, it's demeaning.
3) Giving her Ecstasy so she'll have less inhibitions, and 'perform' better for the audience, is despicable, not to mention illegal. This is an extremely dangerous drug that could end up killing her, or at the very least causing her serious emotional and physical damage.
4) Change in attitude to her child. Ecstasy affects people ability to cope. She could become violent and abusive to her child.
5) Cutting off family contact. Leaves both your daughter and grandson vulnerable to this jerk's influence.
If I were you, I would contact family services regarding their lifestyle and drug abuse. It does not appear that you can reason with her, so I wouldn't tell her your intentions. You have an obligation to protect your grandson. Your daughter is an adult and it's her choice to participate in this destructive relationship. Your grandson isn't being given a choice. You have to make it for him. Good luck to all of you. | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 11:37:59 AM | Just the drugs alone is bad. He shouldn't be doing that to her. He thnk's he has a toy to play with not a human being.
Them having sex in front of others, to each their own. Them having sex with others which I will bet he will start having her do soon again each their own but not in this case. He is preparing her for something worse in the future. More than likely he has his eye on another man's woman he wants to be with thus why he is at the swingers club. He is just working her up to perform what he wants. I will bet she will be doing many guys later on just by his command so he can be a valued asset to his little group and invited to private parties.
One that is giving her drugs to help with this has other reasons to advance this game to a higher level. This being bondages and orgies, one or the other and/or both I would suspect!
If she wanted this without the drugs then that is her call but she isn't, she is under the influence of a mental controlling substance! He is brainwashing basically. Very bad man!!! | |
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| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 12:51:59 PM | First off, She needs to get rid of this person who gives her drugs, period.
On the subject of swinging this is a different world to be in and one that needs to have total trust and security in a relationship. Most will say Yuck to this but those that are into this lifestyle find in arousing. You can still be in love and or a marriage and enjoy this lifestyle so it basically is in the eyes of the beholder. So if they are secure in their relationship and do enjoy it then go for it as it does bring a sense of taboo to the sexual encounter.
In saying that I am still of the mind that your daughter needs to get out of this relationship that involves the male giving her drugs. I know that your daughter is an adult but you as a mother you need to step in and take a stance in disrupting the relationship so that your daughter does not fall victim of drugs. Did you know that Ecstasy consist of strychnine? | |
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 25 | |
| If you loved her would you share her sexually
Posted: 12/8/2007 12:58:38 PM | Swinging is a lifestyle choice and may or may not involve love, though it takes a particular type of person to be able to do it.
The E is an aside.
If she is that age I'd let her make her own choices and deal with her own consequences.
I have to wonder if he genuinly loves her if he lets others see her parts that should be for his eyes only.
By your rules and choices, obviously not hers.
Guys be truthfull is there a chance he trully loves her.
Of course there is a chance, and thats between thoese two.
And what can i do except wait for the outcome
Anything but respecting her choices would be interfering, an attempt to "rescue" and dissempower her, unless her life is at risk, which it dosen't sound like at all.
Trying to stop the young generation exploring sex and recreation drugs ? ........ recipe for disaster that one.
Let her make her own life. | |
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