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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:08:39 AM | | This may be deleted as a self-pity thread, but I'll throw it out there. Do you think that some people just aren't GOOD at relationships, and maybe just should forget about it and go about their lives without the frustration of looking for and never succeeding at them? I'm talking about myself, obviously, but wondering if there are other people who just feel that they're not very good at relationships, for whatever reason, because of bad role models, or fear of losing themselves. Maybe people like that should accept that and put their energies into other talents. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:15:10 AM | I think that it is entirely possible that some people *believe* that they aren't meant to be in relationships, and therefore create a self-fulfilling prophecy in their lives.
Think about it: if you go into each relationship with a little voice in the back of your head telling you that it won't last, that most definitely colors your behavior and your reactions to the other person - and not in a good way. OTOH, if you go into each new relationship with a sense of "isn't this great RIGHT NOW" and don't worry about what might happen down the road, you'll have an entirely different - and far more appealing - demeanor.
I guess the short answer to your question is that yes, there are some people who aren't meant to be in relationships, but it's primarily because they *believe* that to be the case. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:15:54 AM | I'm good at relationships. It's just the ones i go out with that aren't good at it.
And yes, i do believe that some people can not be in a relationship because they are selfish... | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:19:00 AM | I'll come to the party carpaccio I wouldn't say I'm not meant to be in a relationship, but I will say that I 'forget' how to be in a relationship and I 'forget' how things lead towards a relationship.
Years ago I would go out of my way to 'fix' problems that I have encountered when meeting someone and I would go searching for answers, but these days I don't seem to have the energy, and can accept it when things don't work out.
I think that the more time that passes by the more we get to know ourselves and the more we seek that special person who can entwine with our soul.
The world is full of trickery and false hope, yet we still cling to the hope of finding that special someone. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:19:45 AM | I've thought so many times, but must be a glutton for punishment as I keep coming back here to try one more time. It's not so much that I think I'm not good at relationships, I've had a few successes along with a few failures, it's more that I'm finding it more and more difficult to compromise when I do meet someone new. Things I would have overlooked as inconsequential 20 years ago, become sources of irritation now... and I'm more apt to say so today, than I was 20 years ago.
All in all, I do feel like I'm spinning my wheels (so to speak) but it beats giving up hope all together.
Bluezzz | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:22:52 AM | sorcha - I love your answer.... exactly what I think too.
ruckus - like you, I think I am good at relationships, just lousy at the choosing WHO to have a relationship with....  | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:30:59 AM | I'm a firm believer that there is someone for everyone... and when a person meets that other that is compatible, the fear of losing oneself is no longer a concern, because being around the other person empowers you...
Cheers... | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:36:56 AM | I used to think I was one of these people. I felt that it was impossible to be me and to be in a relationship because I could never fit into the narrow role that seemed to be required of me. I would have said about myself that basically I was just not cut out to be a girlfriend.
I had the fear too of losing myself because love would make the other person's feelings more important than my own and their wishes for me to be not quite exactly who I was would lead to my being torn between being me and being who they wanted me to be.
Then I met my special someone. Someone who embraces everything that I am; someone who gives me space to be anything I care to be; someone with whom I don't have to walk on eggshells or second guess or try to please; someone who loves the way that I love and who appreciates the way that I love without telling me I am too much or too little in any direction, but just appreciating me as I am.
When you meet someone you can actually truly relate to, then you'll realise that the only thing wrong with you was that you were trying to relate to people who were on the wrong wavelength. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:36:57 AM | | I seem to be horrible at picking a partner. I inevitably pick the man who won't/can't open up emotionally. It's like throwing your affection at a brick wall and watching it bounce off. Maybe people who aren't willing to take the chance and show some affection are the ones who should stop getting involved with others until they learn to love. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:43:06 AM | more then i year ago i would of said i wasn't capable of being in a relationship. After reading almost a hundred books on the topic and feeling as though i was from a different planet to everyone else it seemed as though being single for the rest of my life would be not only desirable but the only real course of action that made any sense.
I asked my special someone the other day what skills do we use to relate to each other because i was looking at a thread where someone mentioned that being in a relationship is a skill and we need to learn. We looked at each other blankly because there are no skill sets we use to relate to each other in the sense of learned behaviours to relate to each other.
I trained to be a life skills coach in canada and it never sat right with me. Something always felt off about teaching people to communicate in the way the course was laid out. It seemed that it was installing a system that was unnatural for the participants of the course. Its definitely not the way most people communicate so why teach people the "right" way when its not how others communicate? Its funny because you can see just what books people have read just by the way they express themselves. To me it just shows just how un-genuine people really are.
Some of us are even more challenged because of our upbringing. Seems we have extra coping tools to deal with intimacy that others would see as red flags because they are taught that by the host of books they read. Feeling hopelessly flawed is a common occurrence now days because we are told day after day that we are. Pick up any book and try to emulate the skills they talk about. Not only will they seem unnatural the responses you get from others will seem unnatural unless of course you find someone who has read the same book and are trying to emulate the same incongruent skill set.
Some will argue that the skills are important and worthwhile however if this is the case with the amount of programming that has taken place this last decade alone we should be relating more intimately as a race. This is hardly the case though, is it? I've found that the more i've let go of what i've learned from books the more intimately i'm able to communicate with my special someone. We seem to just naturally be able to be with each other. Just allowed to be without having to explain our way of being. If we are off in some way the other understands and Loves because it is in our nature to love. Not because we learned to accept others. Not once have we had to say we need to talk! Or have to ask for clarification or need to find out the others motivations for anything. We simply talk sharing each moments truth.
There are to many barriers to being together these days but they are not because of us it is because of what we are told is the right way of being together. I hope you find someone you can just be with,
crazylilting | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:44:32 AM | Personally, I think humans are meant to share their lives. Statistics prove that married men live longer than those who are single. That being said, I think one is better off alone than in a bad relationship. I've read that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Which is something I think we often unconsciously do in relationships. I think it is interesting that if we pull a muscle, or otherwise injure ourselves physically, we seek treatment. However, when it comes to our emotional/mental health, rarely do we get help.
If anyone feels " for whatever reason, because of bad role models, or fear of losing themselves. Maybe people like that should accept that and put their energies into other talents." I would recommend getting some counseling. It can help you see what, as another poster suggested, you are doing to destroy a relationship, often with no realization of it. Can also help you to realize when you are drawn to the kind of person that just won't work for you. From personal experience, and talking to friends who've gone for counseling after a major breakup, it has been the single most helpful thing for getting on with a healthy attitude. So maybe the actual truth to this question is yes, maybe you aren't meant to be in relationships with the people you are choosing, and you need to find the 'key' to the person you can actually have a good relationship with. If we were all good at this, sites like POF probably wouldn't exist, lol! | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:51:34 AM | | I am not sure if that statement is true or not, however, I truly believe as we get older, it is harder to find someone to settle down with. If we are alone to long, we get very independant. I was talking about this at work acouple weeks ago and that is what we came up with. There is the excess baggage issues and alot of other things. I also think women are scared to get into something, afraid sometimes of what might happen. If we don't take chances in life, then what are we to do, just sit and grow old? People these days as we are older as well are scared of committment. Myself, I have a special little girl in my life, who would want to date me with her here with me? I don't see anyone opening my door yet. She melts my heart everyday, if no one else wants to, then that is fine with me to. When I am in a relationship, I give it my all, maybe that is my problem, to much energy in a relationship. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 6:57:12 AM | I think that Sorcha had it right.. say the same thing to yourself often enough and it happens and keeps happening. Or you believe it..
way I figure as someone else stated.. there is someone for everyone. You'll find them, or they'll find you.. either or.. or both..
I don't get overtly worried about it.. Only time I really look at it is if I keep attracting the same type of person, then I have to look at what I am thinking, doing etc.. cause well I'm the only common denominator. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:16:17 AM | I can quite agree with this. Many people who are very good at relationships, but openly admit to their friends that they don't want a genuine relationship at the moment, and deliberately get involved with others to abuse them or to just use them for sex, are not being fair. IMHO, they should not be entitled to a relationship, because they don't want one.
However, for those who want a good relationship, but find it hard to achieve, I have found that the majority of those people have problems with relationships that are directly attributable to their upbringing, especially those with low self-esteem, and who doubt that any relationship they have can last. I see that many people are not good at sports, but no-one says "you cannot do sports because you are not a natural athlete". The same is true for academic subjects, and for lots of other things. Why should someone be denied a relationship, just because they had a specific upbringing that hampers them, due to an accident of birth?
Surely that this is no different to a physical or mental disability? In the UK, and I am sure it is the same in the US and Canada, it is a requirement by the government to give them help and support to overcome this disability, as soon as possible, and for as long as the problem exists. How is a problem with relationships due to an accident of birth any different?
Part of the reason that people used to find someone is that people used to help each other. If your friend hurt, then you hurt. So a friend would help other friends out. But if your friend's friend hurt, then your friend hurt, so you hurt. So an entire community would help each other out, and it was considered a reflection on the community if even ONE of the community was in trouble and was not helped.
It is something I think was valuable. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:25:40 AM | I think all human beings are meant to be in relationships.
We have relationships with our parents, our siblings, our friends, our children, our lovers....etc etc. As Ruckus said people who are selfish aren't good at relationships because in the end what makes a good relationship with anyone we care about is treating them how they want to be treated ( on both parties to the relationship) which usually means with mutual respect and good communication. I don't really think its hard work or some kind of secret skill set but having empathy which is a learned behaviour will certainly go a long way to helping a person achieve a healthy relationship. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:30:07 AM | | Yes, I do believe that there are some people who aren't meant to be in relationship. They have toxic personalities or are just happier on their own. More power to them. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:37:12 AM | | When I say a relationship, I mean a romantic relationship. I'm a good friend, sister, daughter, aunt, just not very good at being a girlfriend. Those are different relationships, with different things expected of you, and different pressures. Someone said that you dont' stop someone who is not a good athlete from getting into athletics, but if you know you're not a good runner by the time you're 40, it would be a bit silly to keep trying out for the Olympics wouldn't it? | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:43:14 AM | "It takes a village to raise a child..."
This is especially true when properly teaching people HOW to have relationships. This is the fundamental reason I stand by my belief that most people who WANT a relationship, just may not be GOOD at it because they weren't given the proper tools nor examples on HOW to by exemplary role models in their lives. The 'village' they learn from is actually a bunch of other people who SUCK at relationships, instead of people who are actually GOOD at it. You can't expect a society, where the divorce rate is as high as it is (60 to 70 percent) to actually TEACH a younger generation how to have successful relationship, when the very generation teaching was brought up in a "ME" era. It simply doesn't WORK. We're taught now that success and personal gain come BEFORE any relationship. CAREER is more important than inter relating. Taking supercedes GIVING. Selfishness supercedes selflessness.
I still stand behind the theory that children will learn how to have better relationships if they were in a two parent village where there was an example to live by. Where they SAW two people putting each other first. While it's not foolproof, it still increases the odds for success. We will only do what we saw.....and even if we KNOW that what we saw might not be the right thing....we will STILL deem it as 'acceptable' because somebody else did it and everything 'seemed' to be ok afterward.......we quit too early, just as the parents did.
If you're WANTING a relationship, but think you aren't good at it, or not meant to be in one, then you only have two choices......believe what you currently believe, thereby allowing it to manifest that way........or go move to a different village where the tribes elders hand their successful history and folklore down to allow it to thrive and continue.......... | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:43:39 AM | I believe everyone can be in a relationship if they wish to be. You may feel like you aren't because in your mind you are "thinking" you cannot for whatever reasons. i.e. bad relationships, personal issues, difficulties allowing someone in your life, etc.....
So you are basically, sabotaging a potential relationship because of your way of "thinking" - believing that you are not meant to be in a relationship. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:49:39 AM |
Do you think that some people just aren't GOOD at relationships, and maybe just should forget about it and go about their lives without the frustration of looking for and never succeeding at them?
I'll go further and say such people should be prohibited from any relationship related activities. We could give a psych profile test at the age of eighteen and put the names of those who fail on a national do-not-date list, as well as require them to identify themselves as such to anyone with whom they interact -- or maybe we could bannish them all to some reservation. It would definitely make life easier for the rest of us.
Statistics prove that married men live longer than those who are single.
No, it just seems longer.
Actually, your statement is just a bit of propaganda from the marriage promotion industrial complex (who get federal money btw) which is debunked in the book "Singled Out" by Bella DePaulo. The only way the data can be contorted to make the statement true is by pretending that men who are divorced or widowed have never been married.
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:51:58 AM | | i wouldnt say we are selfish, post no. 3 maybe self-sufficient, self-reliant, maybe we are just content with ourselves. afterall if you arent comfortable alone, how can you be comfortable with someone, and i might add, why count on them for your happiness? | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:56:14 AM | | True Carpaccio, a romantic relationship has the difference of being the most intimate relationship of all. You used the expression "fear of losing" yourself and we all know there comes a time in a romantic relationship where you do have to allow yourself to be totally vulnerable to another person. If you have had a series of relationships that have gone terribly wrong at some point this can certainly put you off taking another romantic risk. I don't know you that well except for reading your posts and I don't believe you are the sort of person who is not meant to be in a relationship. But in the end, you are the one that makes that decision. You can choose to take the "safe" single route and take no risks in life or you can throw caution to the wind. Unfortunately it really is ...all or nothing. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:06:57 AM | | Yes......its called self sabotage.And I know I'm repetative on my posts....I guess because I'm a counselor.....but I think some evaluation is in order. Somewhere , someone has convinced you that you are not worthy of love. Perhaps just by a simple statement or action, but it has seated itself in your psychy. I suspect you want a relationship but for some reason the fear it will not work is keeping you from achieving your goal. WORK ON THAT and I'm sure you will find someone that you deserve. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:07:09 AM | I would have to concur that some people are destined to have difficulty in relationships, but it may not be of their own doing. For instance, A young woman, who has, let's say, a father, who she never knew, is far more prone to have a child and then severe the relationship with the new father, thereby perpetuating the same dysfunction. For a guy, who's, perhaps, brought up by a strongly angered disciplinarian type father, might be prone to continue this dysfunctional dynamic into his relationships. We are, after all, a product of our environment, unless we seek to change our course through some means of intervention/counseling. We all come from different backgrounds and not everyones childhood was pleasant.
That being said, I believe people have the opportunity to make changes to their lives. As a superficial for instance, for some guys, it might include reading people like David Deangelo or Neil Strauss, if they feel they aren't attracting women successfully (or the female counterparts). Other times, it might be necessary to revisit some of ones past and do some mild/moderate psychotherapy, in order to deal with issues they're facing, to free themselves of whatever might inhibit them or is keeping them from being the person they would want to be. In more extreme situations, for someone who's been abused severely, the pain endured to revisit this time in their life may seem overwhelming, but the benefits far outweigh the circumstance. But under any set of parameters, I'd have to say that, if a person feels they're not having success in relationships, there is a way to enlightenment, but the oweness of finding out their own shortcomings, and correcting them, is squarely on their own shoulders. Help is out there for relationship flunkies, through self-help books or through counseling. Just MHO.
It's never too late to change oneself, or to have a happy childhood. While most of our shortcomings stem from our childhood, past relationships that have failed often block our abilities to have more successful relationships, because we have a tendancy to project how others have treated us onto newcomers in our lives. In order to give oneself a clean slate each time we start a new relationship, it's vital to clean the slate for others, too, so that we're not allowing the fear of hurt from others to cloud our judgement in a new relationship. | |
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| are some people not MEANT to be in relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:12:58 AM | No...I think people are made for relationships...but there are many obstacles. Your primary relationship has to be with yourself. You have to understand that you are worthy of love. You have to KNOW what you need, and what you want, and what you are willing to give.
It takes a good deal of courage to be authentic and to be open enough to begin. You have to be ready for the inevitable disappointments... You have to keep your eyes open and pay close attention. You have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and know you have the strength to be true to yourself...and to another.
You may fall flat on your face many times...but if you believe in yourself, and choose wisely, you will be able to get up, dust yourself off, and go on in hope...
One of the biggest obstacles I have found is that so many people have been badly hurt by past relationships and can't find a way to heal. It is difficult to maintain a heart that is open, and not allow it to become hardened by the past.
Courage...patience...learning...much is required...I believe the end result is worth the journey! | |
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