| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:23:50 AM | I am in need of advice.
I've been going out excusively with a man for 10 months now. For the past three months he hasn't wanted to do much together other than for watching TV (football) an occassional restaurant and play video games (a new system he purchased).
He keeps making plans but doesn't discuss them with me until they are set in stone and without my opinion.
He changes his mind at the last minute when plans are made.
He will say that i either got dates mixed up or misunderstood him when he does change his mind.
He made plans for us to go to a buddy's house two weeks ago and didnt tell me till the plans were already made-again last minute.
He alsomakes plans and cancels them after i have arranged my schedule to accomodate him/us.
Case in point, he told me on Thursday that this upcoming week he's heading out to next state over-New Mexico- to see friends and his boys. He then invites me.
I arrange my schedule and switch with my ex-husband on the days i have my boys so they can stay with him.
THen he calls me on Friday to tell me he doesn't have any more time on the books at work and that the trip is cancelled.
On that same breath he tells me that he's going hunting with one of his buddies from work that i know (there are no women were he works), and tells me not to worry because its just an overnighter and that he'll be back Saturday night so that we can spend the day together on Sunday.
Well here we are --Sunday afternoon--and he hasn't called at all since he left.
Also on Thursday we were supposed to spend the evening together since he was leaving Friday to go hunting. Instead, his 20 year old stepdaughter, whom he said is just stopping by to get some papers ended up staying there till the wee hours of the night (this is the same stepdaughter that wreaked havoc on his marriage and ended up recently breaking up her mother's engagement to another man)
Last week we were on a date and stepdaughter ran out of gas and needed money, date ended so he can help stepdaughter out.
Two weeks ago his boys were here and along with my boys we were all going to go play laser tag, do some other activities and later have lunch/dinner somewhere.
I was just about ready (keep in mind we live down the block from each other) and as i step out of my house he's passes me by on the way to his vehicle , kisses me goodbye and rushes off to his car with our kids in the vehicle.
He was taking off without me!!
Initially i thought he was joking, right up until the point he says--"Oh you're coming with us, i didn't know?"
What????
Ok. I am completely dumbfounded.
On the one hand, part of me feels that since we're not married it's not like he has to call me or justify anything to me for that matter.
On the other hand part of me feels that its a bit on the rude side to not call your girlfriend to let her know if plans have changed or to just say hi for a few minutes to let her know you're alright and that you miss her. I fell like i am constantly being put on the back burner.
So--have i slipped in priority in this relationship and why would a man behave this way?
He wasn't like this when we first started seeing each other, he has increasingly behaved this way over the past 5 months or so. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:38:33 AM | Some people are just self-centered and think that the world revolves around them, with little or no consideration for people around them.
Most likely that's why his first marriage failed.
It is fortunate you are not married to him. Best nip it in the bud and find someone else who is not an intolerable egocentric.
EDITED TO ADD: Running to the beck and call of a step-daughter who likes to disrupt relationships kind of makes me suspicious that there might be more intrigue there, I don't know why. In any case the guy is already bad news and this is just another can of worms waiting to be opened. You know what to do if you don't like canned worms. :-D | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:43:10 AM | i would say that you already know what to do but you need to hear it from others...
ask yourself a few questions
Do you wnt to live like this forever?
Is this what makes you happy?
dont settle you deserve all the things that make you happy.. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:46:00 AM | I agree with wisdomtooth.
The guy is extremely selfish and self centered. His relationship with you is for his convenience only.
Suggest you say good bye. You have no business living with this guy and be thankful you are not married. Your house? Pack his bags - His house? Pack your bags and get you and the kids outta there.
Besides, what is his behavior teaching your kids about the conduct of men? | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 9:46:07 AM | ladydallas, you have, in my opinion, a serious problem. I see this, from your message, as your boyfriend showing you a total lack or respect. Why? There could be several reasons. He could be just taking you for granted and just not thinking about your feelings or giving you due consideration with the plans he makes or plans and arrangements that you have to make to accomidate his plans. He may have become indifferent towards you because he is comfortable that you will be there for and with him no matter what he does. He may have another pursuit in his life that has put you on the back burner, like the stepdaughter or her mother.
In any case, the ball is in your court! What are you prepared to do? How long are you willing to tolerate the disrespect you are being shown? Are you willing to confront him with your displeasure of the situation or allow yourself to be his doormat?
Consciously or subconsciously you have been kicked to the curb. In my opinion, you need to address the problem! The sooner the better! | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 10:00:27 AM | Lady, didn't you write about this same guy a few months ago saying that when the two of you first met, he eluded to marriage in your shared future and then backed away?
I am going to be very blunt here and ask you how long are you willing to be a doormat?
When people are in relationship and they display disrespectful and selfish behavior and their partner puts up with it why would they stop? By not standing up for yourself you are basically saying "Hey, it's OK to treat me like crap."
It sounds like you have talked to him about this with no luck, so here is my advice to you, don't do anything. Don't call him, don't stop by, make no effort. He certainly is not making an effort. Now what I want you to do is this, take your kids and go Christmas shopping or to a movie, or call a girlfriend and do something or just go and get a manicure. Just get out of the house and start living a life that does not revolve around someone else. I think it is time for you to start making you a priority. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:24:00 AM | He's yankin' your chain. If he can't be serious in the dating process, how do you think he'll treat you in marriage if it ever got that far. If you try to break it off and he promises "I'll change if you stay", run. He's just trying to delay the inevitable.
If you had one occurrence in your post, I'd call you paranoid for no reason...however, you have a chain of events that point to one thing: A relationship that's going nowhere...and if I may be blunt....if you're still intimate with him, thats what he's after anyway and if I were you I'd cut him off and find someone worthy of YOU...
AHoles are a dime a dozen. Someone who treats you like YOU deserve....not the other way around. Don't second guess anything...if you leave, STAY gone....dont take him back. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:31:27 AM | His behaviour has altered which means his feelings have altered.
my guesses...
He feels it is an established and secure relationship and no longer needs to invest energy into you... dropping the "best behaviour" as he moves into a comfort zone.
or
His feelings about you or about the possibility of a long term relationship with you have shifted. Perhaps once excited about a future but has backed off from it for some reason? | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:31:32 AM |
So--have i slipped in priority in this relationship and why would a man behave this way?
You have your own answer. Get out of this before it gets ugly. You do not need him and you can enjoy your life with someone without such an inflated ego as he has. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:37:02 AM | it sounds to me like he's taking you for granted and not respecting you at all..
if you want to try to save your relationship i'd suggest sitting down with him and telling him what you need.. be very specific and straightforward, so that he can't say later that he didn't understand...
if he refuses to listen to you or pretends to and then continues to treat you as if you didn't matter, then i'd leave...
if he is willing to remember to include you and make plans with you and respect you.. then that's great... i'd then incorporate things in my life that i enjoy doing for myself and the kids to do when he's busy doing his thing with his friends.. that way there's not such a dependency and he'll not take you for granted that you'll always be there when he decides he wants you and ignore you the rest of the time..
good luck | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:40:13 AM | | well lady all i can say, other than the fact that your thread is rambling,now you know what men have been putting up with since eve lied to adam !good luck, maybe next time youll have the good sense to look deeper into the man you pick,ciao! | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:41:40 AM | | First off people only do what you allow them to do , if you allow him to continue to treat you this way he is going too, its not worth your heartache and hurt to keep on in this relationship and be done this way, ask your self this, would you ever treat anyone else the way you been done, no, for alot of reasons im sure, respect is the utmost reason, so why would you allow someone to be this disrespectful of your feelings and needs...move on, what do you have to lose but gain.. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:44:52 AM | there is no saving this relationship. he's done. he's already made up his mind. you are his doormat. his safety valve. he's comfortable taking advantage of your nature.
i agree with its margo msg 9.
in my opinion, it's time for a new beau. dump him and find someone worthy. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:45:26 AM | On the one hand, part of me feels that since we're not married it's not like he has to call me or justify anything to me for that matter.
OP, don't provide excuses for his flagrant inconsideration.
I fell like i am constantly being put on the back burner.
If you constantly feel this way, it's time to cut him loose. Don't waste a minute more wondering why someone doesn't treat you right. You'd be better off looking for someone else who does.
P.S. Do you know you are a beautiful woman? There's plenty of fish in the sea. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why I can't seem to follow my own advice?
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:53:33 AM | Is this the same gal who "broke her rules," slept with this guy on the first date, claims she told him that she did not want to get married and then was surprised in late August when Last night when I casually talked about marriage while we were in bed about to go to sleep he whispered to me "I am not ready yet". Got out of bed and practically raced out the door of my home. I was stunned, especially after all he has told me. So now i am afraid i've become a "temporary" for him until someone else comes along.
I've been going out excusively with a man for 10 months now. Does he know it's exclusive? Haha. Sounds like you need to go back to your previous posts and follow your own advice:
Hmmm let's see
1) He's not that into you
2) He suffers from undecidyness [sic]
3) Your [sic] his F*buddy
4) He's a player
5) You're his "standby"
6) He's not ready... err.. mature enough for a relationship
7) You're his FWB (friend with benefit)
8) He's a player
9) Suffers from "why commit to buying the cow when the milk is flowing?"
10) You're his F*ck buddy
Remember, according to you:
There's a part of me that seriously believes that men are not meant to be intimate with just one person for the rest of their lives. Men are visual they need "eye candy" and there will always be "eye candy" out there for them.
Why should he "commit to buying the cow when the milk is flowing?" Sounds like you can dish the advice out to others, but can't seem to take it.
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:05:45 PM | it seems that there is no question for this type of behavior except for a total lack of respect.he's lucky he has someone like you because most would send his sorry ass packing.
i read your post and do feel truely bad for you.and then on the other hand it gives me hope that when i do eventually connect with someone from here i'll be able to make them happy when they do realize how good of a guy i am.
hey...my hunting trips are usually only for a few hours.are you doing anything this weekend? | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:24:24 PM | If this were a girlfriend I'd be gone the very first time it happened. It's getting worse, isn't it? and you're in danger of accepting it. Once you accept it it'll change your inner value system and how you see yourself - you'll come to see yourself as a thorn in the side of a very self-important man. This kind of thing has a way of wearing into your unconscious and damaging your self-esteem.
Find yourself a new fella. | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:27:57 PM | LadyDallas,
I have lots of guesses as to why he behaves that way,
but I think that's the wrong question.
The right question, in my mind at least, is this:
Why do you put up with it?
You've been seeing him for 10 months, and he has behaved this way for the past 5.
Is this really the direction you want to keep traveling in?
AnnaGram | |
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| Can anyone guess why a woman would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:33:37 PM | OPie, the question you ought to be addressing instead is this: what difference can it possibly make to you why he treats you the way he does? I mean, beyond the obvious answer, which is that he is doing what he wants to do.
Why do you care "why?" If you know "why," is something going to improve for you? Do you think you will be able to persuade him to behave differently? Why would he? If he changed his behavior, it wouldn't be what he wanted to do, would it? So the change would not last, would it?
This isn't a puzzle for you to solve. It's an elevator on the wrong floor. Push the damned button, already!
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 12:34:37 PM | Time to move on sweetie. you are a good looking woman. no need to put up with that kind of crap. it will just continue to get worse until you eventually end it, or he does. Have a talk with him, and if it don't change, say addios.  | |
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| Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way?
Posted: 12/9/2007 1:04:11 PM | dont settle you deserve all the things that make you happy..-trueserenity
I have to agree with trueserenity. This guy is a lazy, self-centered jerk. He is also inconsiderate
& thoughtless.
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When people are in relationship and they display disrespectful and selfish behavior and their partner puts up with it why would they stop? By not standing up for yourself you are basically saying "Hey, it's OK to treat me like crap."-mizbex
And mizbex is also right. You are behaving like a doormat, girl! Grow a set (as Dan Savage would
say), & let him know in no uncertain terms, that he cannot treat you with disrespect!
And I also have to agree with the poster who pointed out, that this man is setting a very poor
example as a role model, to your sons.
And finally, there are 2 answers, to your original question, stated as the title of this thread:
#1) Because he is a thoughtless, self-centered jerk.
#2) Because you allow it!
Tell him to shape up, or you are kicking his a$$ to the curb! | |
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