| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 4:31:40 PM | | I have been posting at ask a girl, about having a crush on a loser. What I did'nt say there was that I've been married for 25 years. Things were alright until my wife's health went downhill. It has thrown me into a mid-life crisis of sorts. As soon as I mention that I'm married everyone just assumes that I'm an A-hole, maybe Iam. But until you have been where Iam now, dont be so quick to judge. My wife has always had alot of health issues, she was my best friend and we did everything together. She lost 80% of her eye sight about 3 years ago, but we still managed to carry on. Then about a year ago she was in an accident and her back was broke in 3 places. She's suppose to be in a wheelchair, which she refuses, and keeps trying to walk with 2 canes. The point I'm trying to make is there has'nt been any imtimate contact between us since her fall. I take care of her now and I'm happy to do it, she would do the same for me. I have been a good and faithful husband for 25 years. But lately all I can think about is intimate contact. It's on my mind 24/7 and I've started fantasing about the other singles in my life. Long showers arnt working any more. I was told couseling would help, they gave me all kinds of anti-depressants that did'nt work, and the telling me that I should'nt think about it did'nt work. Our daughter wants to take me out and hook me up, but I dont think I could take the guilt. She means well. I dont know how much longer I'm even going to keep living like this. Maybe I'm being selfish. I know if the table were turned my wife woul'nt even have these issues. And it's not even toatally about sex. She's on so many pain killers that does'nt even seem like her any more. There's no hugging, kissing, or foreplay like activty, there's just nothing. We once disscussed that if either one of us got like this, it would be alright if the other discreetly took take of things. Now that the time has come she's indicated that would surely kill her. I dont think I could take the guilt either. The instructions at the beginning of this thing said no pity-partys if this is what it is, I'm sorry. Just thought as many people that read here, somebody might have a clue. At least I got it off my chest. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 4:42:33 PM | Well, if your marriage vows contained the phrase "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health", then you're hooped, fella. You said the vows and now you know what the worse is. Only you can decide your next course of action.
If you really MUST, I suggest you hire a pro and pay for it or find someone in a similar situation, as it's not very bright of you to expect some kind of "relationship" where there's emotional involvment (i.e. affection, hugging, kissing, etc). That may sound cold, but you only have limited options here. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:22:21 PM | This is a hard call to make Laker. I understand where you are coming from and I am not in a hurry to point an accusing finger. I wish you had not posted here. I can already see the "morality division" having a field day with your desolation.
You are not all in the wrong. In order to continue taking care of your wife and be there for her, you will need to recharge your own resources, or you will have nothing left to give.
My suggestion would be to talk to family, friends and any other objective source of advice. Even a Professional is not out of the question.
Your situation may be long term, so what ever solution you find needs to be long term as well and able to sustain you during this difficult time in your life. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:22:23 PM | I think probably that is what you wanted to do, get it off your chest. It seems like you need someone to talk to about this situation.
By your post, I don't believe you would be happy having an affair. I believe you love your wife and wouldn't want to hurt her.
It could be the mid-life crisis type of thing, and that with the additional position of having to take care of your wife, you have just too much time to think about everything. Why not take up a hobby, or take some long walks and think things out? Or just get active doing other things, to take your mind off your problems.JMO
Good luck!~ | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:35:27 PM | | I feel like I should respond, Its that I dont know what to say. I was a pig when I was young and I promised myself this time aroumd I would take my vows seriouly. It's just that I feel all alone in a room full of people. In alot of ways shes already gone. Her body and life is in a process of shutting down now. I wish now I had'nt posted here either. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:43:16 PM | You know what, don't even sweat posting this OK? It is just good to get it out. I believe there are a lot of people in the world; regardless if their situation is comparable or not, who knows that almost baffling physical pain of wanting to physically feel somone...and I don't just mean sex.
I also didn't really gather from this that you were looking for an affair. I read this as a completely human vent on a very real and sometimes very desperate feeling.
I wish you all the best. The human animal does crave the physical closeness of another human.
I hesitate to give any advice because I am not in your situation, but do you get any relief or warmth if you simply touch her (again, I am not even talking about the sexual)? I just mean that hug, or that closeness feeling when you are in the space of someone you love. That feeling of someone's hair, or the back of their neck or the top of their hand... | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:56:23 PM | I may get 'flamed' for this, but it seems to me the best thing you can do for yourself is have someone take over as caregiver for a couple or three days and schedule a trip to Nevada for yourself.
Starting up an affair - and that's what it is, emotional or physical or both - with another woman while your wife is still legally your wife is grossly unfair, not just to your wife, but to yourself and whatever woman (or women) with whom you become involved. You're just asking for an emotional rollercoaster of trouble if you go that route, even if the other woman knows your situation and "understands". In the long run, I can just about guarantee you that she won't understand.
Indulging in a business transaction, on the other hand, doesn't carry that sort of emotional cargo. A working woman who's skilled can not only care for your physical needs, but also lend an ear to listen to your problems and maybe even can offer some constructive suggestions.
Just my opinion as a woman who's had a stray husband. I could have dealt with a legal business transaction a lot better than an emotional betrayal. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 6:15:55 PM | I feel like this is a situation, where it's damned if you do or damned if I dont.
I was'nt looking here for absoloution or somebody to tell me it's ok to get laid with a clear conscience. And yes her smell and feel is comforting cause it's all I got. She refuses to sleep in her hospital bed, cause she knows that's all we got. I've tried talking to widows and widowers at other forums for some kind of help. They all say pretty much the same thing" It's ruff. Living with someone that is terminal is the hardest thing you can do. Suck it up and do the right thing". That did'nt help me much. What I am looking for is somebody to say I been thru the exact same thing as you, this is what I did, and this is how it worked out for me. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 7:19:12 PM | Counseling!
If she's conscious and not in constant pain then there is a way.
Why haven't you explored all your options with her?
If she was in a longterm coma, had alziemers, or somehow physically totally out of it,
then I would say you can do whatever.
Not the best answer.
But you asked. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 8:13:26 PM | ...You know when we marry and the minister asks, "Do you take this person for better or worse and in sickness and in health, forsaking all others?"....we never think that one day we will have to live up to those vows.....whatever decisions you make in life...its you that has to live with those choices.
...maeflowers
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 8:27:29 PM | My late husband was very ill for a number of years. This is what I did. Unlike you, I continued to work. I joined a health club. Sweating and working myself into a lather helped relieved the stress, plus the added benefit of a social atmosphere. I took adult interest classes at the local community college. In short, I got away from the house. I also planned lots of excursions that my husband could take. He loved to play cards, so I made certain to arrange card parties with his friends. If necessary, get help to look after your wife.
After reading your profile, I think you need something to take your mind off your boredom. Try volunteering at a place where there are no sick people.
While your wife's body may be deteriorating, her mind is still functioning. You will be riddled with guilt if you have an affair. If you absolutely must, try internet porno.
Good luck to both of you. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 8:49:01 PM | | If that is all that is on your mind, is sex...then get a divorce and do what you think you need to do....quit trying to blame her which in a sense that's what your doing..because she's not able to give you what you want. If sex is what your wanting then divorce her, and then you will be free to do what you wish.... harsh but true | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 11:05:12 PM | A divorce is not the answer here, it would only make matters worse. Some people can handle being a caretaker better than others, unfortunately it is one of the most difficult things to do 24/7 if you do not take time out for yourself every once in a while. There are health care agencies that will provide respite so you can get away for whatever reason. Please do not drag your daughter into it, your personal stuff is not her business. I have worked for such an agency and have helped many seniors deal with difficult health issues while they remained in their own homes. You are still too young to carry such a load on your shoulders alone, your doctor or a counselor can advise you on your situation, if need be. 
Pink | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 12:29:01 AM |
Maybe I'm being selfish.
Yes....you are. And may I remind you that twenty five years ago....you stood at an alter with your wife....back when she was young, vibrant, and beautiful in her wedding gown.....looking directly into your eyes when you said...."IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH".......That was what she relied upon you for..... And I would hope that you would be a man of your word....because your wife doesn't need a selfish man right now.....she COUNTED on you being a HERO.....She counted on you MEANING what you said..... and I think that's what you need to be........instead of wallowing about what you're not getting......this is the EXACT time to show that woman that she was right when she picked you......... Because she DID pick you.... you should feel HONORED to be the one to help love her through this....this is your ultimate TEST in life.....THIS is where you prove how much of a man you really are.......The GOOD times were always easy......NOW is the REAL time to love her.......
Now snap out of it...and GET TO WORK!! | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 1:58:04 AM | | You are in a severe depression and you really need to get some help. How long were you on anti-depressants? You need to see a good psychiatrist that specializes in psychopharmacology. You're primary care physician should be able to give you the names of several to choose from. When you are caretaker for a sick or injured spouse it is emotionally, as well as physically, draining. There are many group meetings for caretakers where you can talk about your feelings and desires and get some valuable input on how to deal with your problems. I was caretaker for my late husband and the only way I got through it was with excellent medical and psychological help. If your doctor can't help you, contact the social services department of a large hospital close to where you live. They should be able to give you the information you need. God bless you and your wife. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 3:07:43 AM | It's all about mind over matter. If you have a clear mind, nothing else matters.
I would have to guess that most of us here go WITHOUT sex, and some even go yrs without it. We may not like it, but we CHOOSE to deal with day by day. Being sexless ISN'T the end of the world, but loosing your best friend because your thinking with the WRONG head would be, at least it would be for me. Some may be able to handle it, but if it were me and I found my best friend, why on earth would I trash that over getting my twitched tickled?
Maybe your wife can not have sex, and just MAYBE the reason she doesn't feel the urge to snuggle, hug or kiss is because she isn't as far gone as you think and she can FEEL that your considering another to replace her in bed. Talk to her, be OPEN with her, tell her you MISS having her in your arms, laying next to you, and who knows, if the two of you lay next to each other and your flame grows, maybe she may be inclined to help take matters into hand. Show her that you can still get excited by just her touch. BUT...........don't show your disappointment if she doesn't come around right away.
Work things out at HER pace, not yours, if she is TRUELY your best friend and you love her, it's time to give more of yourself, specially if her time is limited. After she is gone, you'll have the freedom to do as you please, without the guilt. Your only a yr into being without sex, thats nothing. It's up to you to work it out in your own mind. Control the urge and in return you control the guilt, stress, and even at times, I would guess, anger. Just because someone is sick phyically, it doesn't mean that their mind and feelings have gotten sick as well.
Best I can say is, TALK TO HER, tell her you miss her and see what happens, you may be pleasantly surprised. If there is a will, there surely is a way. IMO | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 4:00:35 AM | OP: I read your post "Crush on a loser". Am I understanding that this "loser" is not your wife? Am I understanding that your wife has serious health issues that do not allow you to be intimate in any way, therefore you are debating on becoming involved with your long term friend (the loser)?
I am not here to make judgements about people I do not know but am interested in whether I have the basics facts correct. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 5:33:20 AM | Divorce definately is not the answer here! And for the gal who suggested it? Give your
head a shake!
I have read your other posts OP and I think you seriously need to back off from that "other" lady you speak of. You nor she is ready for anything. Claypot gave you some wonderful advice. And I also think you need to get yourself an outlet other than here! Counselling, someone to just talk to without judgement is what you need. I have no doubt you love your wife, but are very sad, depressed and confused! Should you proceed with your thoughts about this other "friend" with huge drinking problems, and perhaps drug issues, you my friend, will head for sure disaster! And think of your wife! I can truly feel for you. You are in a very difficult situation for sure. Good luck to you. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 5:55:22 AM | OP, I just read your history and suggest the other people here do so as well. Especially the one about being in a platonic relationship... for 18 years..
Inasmuch as you proclaimed that you were a faithful, loving husband of 25 years, and then asking if you should move a drunk, possibly druggie into your home, what the heck is going on here?
OP sounds like you need serious help, and not to be found on a forum. JMO | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 6:16:15 AM | If you have an affair, your wife will find out and it will hurt her. Women just "know" these things. If you have such a physical need, then see a prostitute and don't tell anyone. Yes, that would be unfaithfulness, but not the devastating kind of having an affair.
As others have said, you could benefit from therapy. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 6:38:46 AM |
Now that the time has come she's indicated that would surely kill her. I dont think I could take the guilt either
Heres what you do. Call the florist and order a dozen red roses. When they arrive bring them to her. Look in her eyes and thank her for giving you the best years of her life. Tell her how much you love her , and that you will be there for her always.
Yes you are selfish OP. Don't kick her when shes down. Just as Claypot said, many of us are living without sex. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 7:46:39 AM | Just wanted to thank everybody for the input. I'm not going anywhere and at this point, I'm not going to break any vows. The only point I will comment on is someone said that going without for a year aint nothing, but it seems like forever to me. Hopefully I'll ger to the point where it wont bother me so much.
The loser girl as she is called is someone I've known and cared about along time. It was my hope if something ever happened to my wife she would be there for me. The very thought of being alone scares me more than anything else. I thought I could save this girl from herself. I saw her yeasterday and she was tellin me about somebody slipping her something at a party and she could'nt remember who did what to her. No matter how much people tell me she's trouble,I just cant turn my back on her. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 8:06:34 AM | You poor man. I think the turmoil you are going through with your wife is causing you to not think clearly. You have enough problems at home without inviting more.
The "loser" or I suppose it would be better to use your words "human train wreck" is probably bringing out feelings that have been stifled by your marriage situation. You are fantasizing about this woman as you look to a future without your wife.
Fantasy can be healthy but in reality your friend is not capable of being there for you. She is an addict and the only thing that is important to her is her next high. You can support her if she decides to give up this life but you can not save someone who does not want to be saved.
You would serve yourself and your wife better fantasizing about the woman you married. She is just as attainable if not more so than the one you are day dreaming about now. | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 8:17:14 AM | I chose voluntary celibacy for a few years while single. I was in a marriage, that toward the (bitter) end, was entirely sexless. I would think none of these can compare to being with someone you adore, seeing them everyday and feeling you are unable to do anything about it, sex-wise.
You say she still attempts to get around with the help of two canes, shunning a wheelchair. To me, this means she can still use her hands, to some degree. Also, if you had a relatively good sexlife before your wife's illness, can you not "take care of yourself" in front of her, with her encouragement, and lover's talk? Talk to her, let her know you are going around the bend over this.
While you have my sincerest sympathy, I do not think you should consider looking elsewhere for gratification. Vows, if spoken sincerely, are meant to be honoured.
As to your 'friend' from a previous thread: 1) you honestly think that someone you have a crush on would be a good choice to move into your wife's (and yours, of course) home? Your wife wouldn't pick up on the vibes between the two of you, it wouldn't cut her to the core? Not to mention, no-one can "fix" someone who doesn't want to be helped, the potential for STDs from someone who "parties with a different guy every other night" . 2)even if you were 100% single, that would probably be the single most unwise choice you have ever made in your life...see aforementioned reasons...
Best of luck.
Mietzele | |
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| I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/13/2007 8:23:51 AM |
The very thought of being alone scares me more than anything else.
You can be alone and be happy. That's the thing you need to work through. Even if, God forbid, something happened to your wife, you need time in order to fully grieve. It's fine to have *friends* be there for you, but you can't jump from one relationship to another successfully. A relationship should be composed of two mentally healthy people.
I strongly recommend seeing a therapist as they can do wonders in helping you sort out all your conflicting emotions. It is not easy being a caretaker and there are all sorts of books written by men and women who have played that role with spouses who have long term disabilities or terminal illnesses. You need support, not a mistress. | |
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