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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 12/19/2007 2:54:57 PM | I am a 46-year old woman who lost her husband suddenly and without warning
2.5 years ago. The problem I'm having is I feel like I just sort of "exist" now.
I don't really see the joy in things, I just function. I do what needs to be done.
But I feel like I'm not really back into life at this point. I don't fit in with my
married friends any more, (who wants a 3rd wheel?) and I only have one divorced
female friend. I know life is short and I should get back in the game, but I just feel
so sad all the time. I've tried support groups, (nobody in them was my age, so they
didn't "get it"), praying, not praying, medication, going to church, not going to church,
(I feel like such a hypocrite when I go--praising God--for what? For taking Jeff from
me after only 7 years of marriage? So I quit going.),
getting involved in volunteer stuff (tutoring reading at a school, Habitat for Humanity,
etc.), and I still feel unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. I get that my friends don't
"get it"--none of them has lost the most precious thing in their lives, but they seem
to think I should be "ok" by now, (whatever that means.) So I slap on my "happy
face" and do what I need to do. But I'm a "figure out what the problem is and fix it"
type of girl, and I can't fix it. So I guess my question really is, am I going to feel this
way for the rest of my life? Or until love comes along again, if it does? Because I
just can't see being this sad for, say, the next 30 years or so, you know? I feel like
such a phony, acting like I'm ok when I'm not. I even hate it when people ask me
how I'm doing. I'm sort of like a chocolate ship cookie without milk--I'm ok on
my own, but with the right partner I'm so much better than that!!!! I really hate
the idea of living in the past, cherishing my memories, etc. because I feel like that's
not staying in the moment. But my present and future look so bleak. I had everything
I ever wanted in life, and it's gone. I accept that, but the reality is, it hurts.
I guess what I'm really getting at is: How long is this pain going to go on? Am I
ever going to feel like myself again? Any ideas or advice will be appreciated.
Thank you all, and sorry if this rambled on... | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 12/19/2007 3:13:32 PM | Im a widow also and it's very hard especially this first holiday season without him.
My husband was ill for awhile and even though I certainly wasnt expecting it, I guess I was willing to accept it more, knowing he is out of pain. At first I just kept busy, cause I knew it would be hard to get out of bed if I didnt make myself. I did this for my son. I know its hard for him also, so I excisted for him. Also my husband was a very strong person and never complained, so if I got to wrapped up in the sorrow it would be disrespectful to his memory. He would want me to go on and be happy. This I know with all my heart. So I've decided to live life as its a gift and we dont know how long we have. I'm not saying I havent had bad moments, cause I have and continue too . But when the holidays started I decided that I could be sad and set myself up for every holiday being sad, or I could live life and make the best of it. I try to remember the good times and not be sad cause I miss him but be thankful that I had him in my life for 25 yrs. It will always be hard, but all the sorrow and tears will never bring him back. We're still alive and we need to cherish that gift, they would want us to, dont you think? I wish you the best in your search for happiness. Remember its ok to be happy, it doesn't mean you didnt love him. He knows you did and thats all that matters. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 12/19/2007 3:26:54 PM | ilovemyshoes
It's been 81/2 yrs. since I lost my partner after 161/2 yrs. of marriage. I wish I had some advice for you or could tell you when it was going to get better, but I'm still trying to figure that one out for myself.
After my dad lost my mom (a year before I lost my Don) my dad said to me "I feel like I've lost the whole right side of me" It's true. I know people don't understand when I say I can be in a room full of people and still feel totally alone.
All my friends are married and just don't get why holidays and most of my days are still bad ones. They say "you have your grandkids" (which Don never got to hold), and as wonderful as they are they can't replace the joy of your partner.
The fake happiness is tiring. Some days I'm not even sure why I get up, then I think to myself that Don was such an unselfish person and very much enjoyed making me and watching me laugh, that he would kick my a** to see me so unhappy.
As far as being yourself again we can't go back to who or what we where, because part of who/what we were is gone with our partner. They where an extention of us and the extention made us a different person than who we were before them. So it's time to figure out who we are being shorter (so to speak) than when they where with us.
I know i wasn't much help here and I apologize for that, but know that there are people out there (your age) that do understand.
I will leave you with  And truley heart felt blessing.
If you would like to talk just contact me, some times it helps just to talk and tell stories to someone that has never heard them. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 12/19/2007 3:59:47 PM | I was 44 when my husband died, just 11 days shy of our 1st anniversary. To say I was devastated is an understatement. We were talking together in the kitchen when he had a massive heart attack and was gone. I never thought I would recover, and for the first few years I wanted nothing more than to join him. No one can understand the depth of pain losing a spouse causes, unless they've had the experience. I had family and friends that didn't try to say "I understand what you're going through" or "You have to snap out of it". They were there when I needed to talk about Stan, when I cried for hours curled up in a ball in bed. They didn't pressure me to get out and live life. They let me grieve in my own way and on my own time schedule. It took a few years before I was ready to date, but I never wanted to fall in love again. I couldn't stand the thought of losing someone who meant so much to me again. But I did fall in love again. We were married and for quite a few years had a wonderful relationship. That marriage has ended in divorce but I'm much stronger now than I was in 1995, when Stan died.
You will come out of this. It takes time, and there is no way of telling you how long. It's different for everyone. It took ten years before I could talk about Stan without crying. One thing that did help me is God. I thank him for every day Stan and I were together. For giving me the opportunity, no matter how briefly, to experience a love that few people will ever have the privilege of knowing. You can say "Why did you give us only 7 years together?", or you can say "Thank you for the most wonderful 7 years of my life". Wouldn't rather have had those 7 years, than not? As the Garth Brooks song says, and I played this at Stan's wake, "I could have missed the pain, But I'd of had to miss the dance". God bless you and you are in my prayers. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 6:25:50 AM | I lost my girlfriend 5 1/2 years ago. While we weren't married, we lived together for 7 years. She-Gail-died suddenly. In one hour everything changed.
How long is this pain going to go on? I don't know how long. It lessons over time is all I can say. Even now, something can hit we wrong and bang-I remember. But I also know that she would want me to go on and be happy!
Am I ever going to feel like myself again? Speaking for myself, I'd answer no. In many ways I'm a better person. I have realized how precious life is. And how fragile it is. So I'll never be the person I was, but I hope and think I'm a better person now than I was.
Some sayings I've come across that helped me:
"You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
or can do what she'd want;
smile, open your eyes, love and go on."
"I think of him now and then, but life must still be lived in spite of sorrow."
"In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again. Knowing this, truly believing it, will make you less miserable now. I have had enough experience to make this statement." Abraham Lincoln
Best wishes | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 7:08:27 AM | Hey i do know what you are feeling as i lost my wife of 21 years who was also my high school sweetheart in 2001.This computer has helped me kill some of the time and also helps keep my mind busy.In my case i would love to tell you that the pain has gone away but it hasn't i have just put it futher inside and put the happy face when needed.
I am not feeling sorry for myself but sadness is not far away (mostly for my kids) as their mother was a wonderful person and a great mother.I might be greedy but i am looking for my soulmate(second one) it might not ever happen again but if i never try i will never find her.
I hope thing get better for you, and i wish you the best,but get busy and find a reason to live life, as we are still here and things could be worse. Larry2001 | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 7:29:47 AM | First and foremost God bless you and I am sorry for your loss. I am 40 years old. I went and graduated from college in 3 years so I could get married to a wonderful man. 7 1/2 MONTHS later he drowned within 10 feet of me. Everything I had dreamed for, hoped for, wanted was stolen from me within a matter of one second! I can't say if it's easier or harder (I believe neither) if I lost him when I was so young. I know I still miss him every day of my life. We loved music so every time I hear a certain song it brings back the pain. He has 8 brothers and sisters living (1 died of cancer) - and a ton of nieces and nephews. They all have a little piece of him in them.
When you're widowed - things are different. Priorities change. Daily tasks get difficult. Dating seems completely insane (it really is). You cry a lot (my dad always told me to give yourself 5 minutes to just sob and then go on). You blame yourself, wish things were different, hate God - friends - family - doctors - divers - etc.
My son's father was the next man of my dreams. After a lot of long distance correspondence and dating when he came to town, he asked me to marry him. That night - first night - I got pregnant. Later found out he was married with wife, two kids, several other women. Point being - another terrible and unexpected loss. Like the carpet had been pulled from under my feet ... again.
Best way to start feeling better is exactly what you are doing. Find people who understand or can empathize with your loss, your emotions, your feelings and talk to them. Keep talking and feeling.
I once had a counselor that grief is like the tide, it goes out and you're fine then comes in and knocks you over. Remember that. If you need a friend - you have one. Keep the faith (it will come back). God bless. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 8:03:33 AM | Well Fargo- I think your dad said something profound by giving yourself five minutes to cry and then get on with it.
I was widowed in 2006 when my husband got suddenly ill and died within 24 hours. It is quite a shock but when I talk to other people that had time to prepare I feel that must be even more difficult.
Yes we all must keep chugging along-a little engine that could and has to.
Two things that I read have stuck with me-one is that widowhood can be a phase of your life or a way of life. It is up to us to choose. Another is that by wishing away the happy days-holidays and anniversaries- we may be cutting ourselves off from new happiness.
I took alot of comfort from the book "7 choices of grief" by Neeld.
I think it is important to keep trying to move forward-not forcing it-there were plenty of days when washing my face was an effort but it is better now. There is an adjustment to the loss not a healing from the loss. I will never forget my husband-the good days and the bad moments were all a part of a greater beauty that was us.
Now I need to re-connect and find another partner who will not view me as someone with baggage but is mature enough to understand 47 year olds come with experience.
Courage~ | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 11:41:37 AM | | Well, the only possible bit of comfort I can offer to you is that it does get better. We are all different and unique people, everyone grieves in there own way and there is no set time frame for it to end. I'm sorry to say that you will not wake up one morning and all will be wonderful again. And anybody who tells you that you should be over it by now has either never lost a loved one or is heartless. I can tell you it does get better. Little by little, on your own schedule you will feel better. You may not notice a big change, but I bet if you look back to a year ago things are better today. Slowly the sting lessons. I see that you are a Catholic woman, I remember whenever there was a death close to our family my mother would console those grieving by saying, your loved one has closed their eyes on this world but has opened them up on the face of the Lord, what a wonderful thing to have happen to them. When my mother passed away of course I missed her terribly but always found comfort in knowing she opened her eyes on the face of the Lord. Also remember, somewhere I'm sure your husband is deeply touched by the sense of loss that you feel but also feels guilt for putting you through such agony. I'm sure he would tell you he is alright and it is OK for you to move on, to live a whole life until the 2 of you meet again. God bless you! | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 4:56:09 PM | I'm sorry for your loss OP (and all of the posters... ).
Today is the 12th anniversary of my husband's sudden death.
I don't know when the pain goes away. So far, time seems to help it lessen. It's not as painful as it used to be.
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 5:11:49 PM | | Lol....you are right. Those friends of yours haven't a clue....and there's no time limit on being "ok by now" after the loss of a mate.You shouldn't have to put on a happy face if it isn't what you feel....grief is a very normal thing, and if you are still grieving, then so be it. There's not a timetable for it hon. I'm not saying stay in "pitiville", I'm saying you have suffered a great loss, and you are still mourning and that's ok. It's only been 2.5 yrs...that isn't very long. Now, if you were still in deep grief after say, 8 or 9 yrs, I'd say you had a problem and need to seek medical help to get you out of depression. You still might want to look into that possibility with your doctor...sometimes grief or trauma can throw you into a slump you can't get out of on your own. Still, the fact you try to get on with life makes me think that if you are in depression, it's mild. You sound to me like you are beginning to come out of your grief some, but still are in mourning. It will get better in time...and being on this site will help somewhat. Meet people for coffee....or a movie, doesn't have to be an all out romantic date. Your friends mean well, but they may be pushing too hard. Try going places where you can meet other people your age, the library, museums, anywhere you think they might be...and I'm sure you probably could make both male and female friends on POF in your surrounding area who are single that you could go places and do things with. New places, new experiences will help keep your mind out of the past. Still, I don't think you will ever forget him...and you shouldn't. What you had sounds very special. Huggggggggggggggs, hope things look up for ya soon! | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 5:24:05 PM | Hi Everyone,
I too am a widow and have been for just over 3 years. The pain and hurt never go away they just get a little less each and every day. But they will always be there as long as we live. I belong to a group called the POW'S (pissed off widows), we are 6 women who are around the same ages and we all lost our husbands suddenly and all within 4 months of each other. The funeral director ( a woman) we had all used her funeral home, contacted all of us and asked if we wanted to meet each other. She arranged for all of us to meet with a grief counsellor that she paid for. We met every Monday night for 16 weeks and we have continued to meet on our own for the last 3 years. It is very helpful to have people who know how you are feeling and you don't have to put on your "happy face". I felt that my whole life was over when Bob died, all of our hopes and dreams were gone. All the plans we made for our retirement and our future were gone. But as others have said, I tend to dwell on the fact that I was blessed to have had Bob in my life for as long as I had him. Many aren't even that fortunate to have known that kind of love. Trying to get on with my life, I have found dating a little difficult, trying to build "history" with someone new takes a lot of work. Lots of things everyday, a song, a familiar car, when a see a couple together bring back the saddness but it does not last as long each time. Peace to all of you and May 2008 bring some happiness in our lives.
Jeanne | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:16:03 PM | | Hi, I lost my husband in June 2002, 13 months later i lost my mother. My husband & i had only been married for almost 9 years. i thought i had lost everything, although i had my 3 children & my grandchildren, my life was missing something very dear to me, & now 5 years later, i'm still a little lost at times. Sometimes i miss him (Johnny) so much, i just want to cry. He had conjestive heart failure, we found out about it 1 year after we were married, he had it for at least 5 years before and didn't know it. 3 weeks before he died he made me promise him that i would live my life, be happy, and if the chance to love & be loved ever came my again that i would grab hold of it, and it is hard for me to really get close to a man now. I am so glad there are people that i can talk to that have gone through the same thing i have, i am sorry that you went through, but i'm glad that you're here and i have had the opportunity to read your story, and the stories of all these other people that have gone through their loses. And if i can lend a shoulder so to speak to anyone , i am here. Thanks to all of you for lending your shoulders to me... | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/12/2008 3:42:37 AM | 8years ago when my best Friend and Husband of 21 years had to go Home, my World tumbled.. No Fam .no Kids yust our 3 Dogs. I don't want to tell you all the stupid and sometimes so thoughtless Speeches I had to hear.. From the Day ken left , I know my Life would never be the same.. You 're right, you don't fit in with your married Friends, maybe the Church it's not a good Place for you[[ you can always pray at Home]]but don't blame God 21/2 years it's not to long to Griefe ,do what you must do because only you know what it's going on with you!!!!! I read your Profile and I'really believe you 'll be Ok. Take your Time, Baby yourself cry when you feel like it., I closed my House for 31/2 years. Mr . Vodka was my best Friend at Night so I could get a little Sleep. 8 years later Ken it's still sadley missed, but the awful Pain in my Heart and Stomach has gotten still Ken 'll always be loved and never Forgotten and I'm takeing everything day by day. Please be good to yourself and kind to your heart and love yourself ....Please forgive my english , born and raised in germany.. To you and the other ladys . rainbows to you. thanks for letting me put my feelings down. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/12/2008 3:52:40 PM | Well, I am not a widow, but my fairytale came to a crashing halt, too. My everything was taken from me in less than 3 weeks.....long story, no need to waste your time.
He was all I knew for 16 years. Gone in an instant with all my hopes, dreams, future plans. How do you just 'suck it up' and get on with things? Well, for some odd reason you just do. I don't drink but I tell you, there were plenty of times that I wanted to. I seen a counsellor for 9 months. I went away to heal for 3 weeks. I had endless PityParties.......it all takes time. The most important thing to remember is to find you. Who was me after 16 years.....I don't know but I didn't like her....somedays it is still hard to even look in the mirror, but I do. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't like looking at the girl in the mirror with the sad eyes, broken spirit and no smile. You know how I feel, so I will say it. I was dead inside. I had no feelings and I was numb. I built that wall around my heart to stop the pain. Well, I did such a good job, I now have to dismantle that wall, and get on with things.
My life 2 years ago was nothing like it is today. I found a new career path, I've gone back to school, I enjoy my time alone and I never look back. He will always be part of my heart and my life, but that was then. I found out who I was, what I wanted, what I needed and now my goal is to WANT MORE - I don't want to settle anymore. More for me, as I don't need to have my pity parties and feel sorry for myself anymore. I found who I was, and now I work towards what I want. I met someone on POF who started my heart to beat again. We spoke for endless hours and even closed our accounts together after two weeks. He made me want to be more.......I wasn't happy with the mirror, and I started to change it. Two months later I am okay with what I see in the mirror. Not totally happy yet, but I understand, and it takes time. My friend just disappeared into thin air, just like he appeared. I havent' heard from him in over a month. Sometimes things just happen for a reason....his reason was to jumpstart my heart. I never met him or heard his voice. Just enough words from him and his quick typing skills. ha!
All I know is that I don't want to live the life that I was living 6 months ago, I want more. How do I continue to do that? One step at a time. I know you will too, when the time comes. As the other ladies say, please contact me if you want to chat. Who knows I may be able to help...... | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/12/2008 4:34:25 PM | It's been almost 5 years now, I've read books trying to understand some helped. I too needed to find out who I was before I could go on. The most important thing that I can tell you is...you have to go through it...and I know it sucks. If you try and run and hide from the grief, believe me, it will come back and bite you twice as hard right in the butt!!! One book that helped me was called "I wasn't ready to say goodbye" (sorry I loaned it and don't remember the author). It said to put yourself in intensive care. It works. At that point I had 2 horses, 3 goats, 3 dogs, 13 cats, and 40 chickens. I know this sounds crazy, but if not for the insanity of taking care of all that and working 50 hrs a week I don't think I could have made it.
The one thing that keeps me going today is knowing that Paul lived his life to the fullest. Somewhere is a story of dying and how it relates to baseball. It goes something like this...some people walk into heaven, but me, I want to slide in and proudly say..."Whew what a ride!"
I prefer to say that it (the grief) gets different. When I hear songs that bring back memories...I just assume that it's Paul being a DJ just for me.
Don't give up!
Pay attention to things around you...I do believe they send us signs.
Don't be afraid to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him, just remember to listen.
And lastly, as everyone else has said, if you need to talk...I'm an email away. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/14/2008 1:44:07 PM | From what I understand about greiving (going through it myself as well) 2.5 years, although it seems LONG and is taking forever, is not very long in the greiving process. Acceptance is the last stage and people have been throwing a figure of about 5 years. My mom passed almost 3 years ago after being sick, and my dad is finally seeing someone. (I put him on Match)
You are numb - its natures way of helping you deal with only the amount of pain you can handle. Take care of yourself, enjoy something for yourself - flowers, a book, tea, shopping, allow yourself to feel the joy with that - it will get easier.
From a kindred spirit - I wanted to say, I love your user name.
My mom gave me a book. "Shoes Never Lie" I LOVE shoes and it was one of my first purchases when my X walked out
Just got a magnet that says, "change your shoes, change your life"
There is also a book out "Beware the man in alligator loafers" about men's dating styles based on their shoes. You might enjoy it.
One step at a time, one hour, one day at a time. Hang in there sweetie.
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/16/2008 12:48:40 AM | I appreciate reading these posts, for I am going through all the motions of life but I am unable to feel any of its joys. Knowing that others feel the type of pain I endure daily is actually comforting -- not because misery wants company but rather because how I feel isn't totally abnormal. Last year, my wife died in less than a minute from a tragic accident that occured while she was away visiting her parents. We had been together 12 years, the latter six in an extraordinarily close and very romantic marriage.
How we met was unique. In 1994, I built a website for people living in the San Francisco Bay area that was one of the very first social relationship sites for the singular purpose of finding "the woman of my dreams". To join, a person had to answer a 140 questionnaire that I had devised and that covered background, interests, ethics, tastes and even sexual preferences. One day early in 1995, my future wife filled out the questionnaire and joined "Virtual Pleasures BBS". The next day, a friend of mine emailed me to say that a woman was online that I might find interesting. I thanked him, ran a match screen and discovered, incredibly, that we had answered every one of the 140 questions the same! We met at a coffee shop two days later, and it was just glorious. Each of us knew our soulmate had been found. (I shut down VP soon thereafter -- it had served its purpose -- never realizing the potential of what I had devised.)
My life consisted of my wife and work; hers was her husband and her art. While such containment is widely considered inadvisable, we were both selfish -- neither really wanted to share time with our mate with anyone else. Such closeness, of course, is a tw0-edged sword, as I have been reminded of daily since her death.
I hate the silence. Everywhere I look generates memories, and there were nothing but good ones. Intellectually, I know she is gone, that that part of my life is over and done. My heart, however, is irrational; it just wants her back.
I come from a family that is extremely long-lived, and I certainly don't want to be a widower for the next 30 to 40 years. But I worry how will I ever find someone else who can compare to my late wife, especially since any comparison would be terribly unfair. She was much younger than I, gorgeous, absolutely brilliant, phenomenally talented, very sexy and kind to a fault. In a word, she was a superstar; I was just incredibly lucky that she fell in love with me and stayed that way.
I joined PoF because I want to have a future; living in the past is not enough. In every episode of "Sex and the City", Sarah Jessica Parker would pose a question that would focus the events of that week's story; for some reason, I think of that now...so my question is, "Is it possible to live again after losing one's soulmate"? For the record, I want the answer to be "yes" and I certainly want to make the effort, but I really don't know how I am going to get there. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:34:55 PM | I am sorry to hear about your loss.I am a widower who lost my wife 1 1/2 years ago after knowing her 35 years ago. It's been a loss that I dealt with through prayers and with friends' support - always keeping myself busy,crying when we have to as the grieving process is natural...Some say time will heal and I believe it does.I remember our good times and her saying that we should live life to the fullest and enjoy.That helps me to go out into the world and live again. Don't despair.
I know this may not be of great help however it works for me. God bless. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/19/2008 10:42:37 AM | | OP...sorry for your loss. Like all other posters, I lost my wife a little over 3 yrs ago. In someways I was lucky because her illness last over 2 yrs before she passed away, so we had the opportunity to talk and grieve together. She was 10 yrs younger than I and we had young children. When she passed away........I established a new "normal" (if you have questions on what I mean you can email me, too much to type) in my life........it wasn't easy but I accomplished it, life does go. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/19/2008 11:12:54 AM | everyone of you has my heart felt sympathy,i lost my anchor in this world
my rock.all i can say is take it day by bay dont be afraid to laugh smile cry scream if you want to ,my friend died a couple of years ago of cancer so we discussed the dying
bit( me unwillingly)he knew he wasnt long for this world and said cry a bit grieve a little and then live
he used to love watching me dance around the house,so i started to dance i could feel him here watching me smiling
it felt good still feels good
try and find a little joy in everyday
blessed be
p.s the name its who i am and i know he would loved it, it would of tickled him | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/20/2008 8:21:45 AM | First, I am sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.
I am widowed as well. To some degree - I have 'walked in those shoes'.
Different people greive differently. Some go through it 'quickly' - others not.
If you are 'sad' most the time - I would suggest you see a shrink.
At one point years ago after my wife had passed away - I woke up one morning and thought 'if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like - I don't want it then'. That was the day I started looking for a shrink. I was fortunate and I found one that was very good for me. She helped me workd through my thoughts, feelings at a very difficult time in my life.
As for 'cherised memories' - you can/will always have those. I do. I still think of my wife and it brings a smile to my face. She will always be a part of me - how can she not? Any way, this does not mean I can't love again. As a matter of fact - I have. As I like to tell people about my feelings on loosing my wife - "it is in a good place". The way I look at it - I was fortunate that the gods brought her into my life - no one else - ME. She helped to make me what I am today in so many ways. Perhaps preparing me for someone else. I don't know.
Take your time. See a shrink - they really can help. And deal with your feelings.
Best to you.
Steve | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:01:37 AM | To all in this string- Just coming to one year myself after loosing my wife of 20 years to cancer. As has been stated, each persons path in grieving is unique based on the persons and situations involved. We had about 6 months to come to terms with it together and I believe that made a great difference. She was the type that could always make me believe I could accomplish anything, including being a single parent and getting on without her.
But as most of you know things get kind of weird after the fact. My general approach has been as follows,
In a close co-dependent relationship such as ours we were consciously entangled. Two had become one in this case.
I could not continue to be who I was prior to her loss because that person required the others presence.
I could obviously not go back 22 years before we met and become, once again, that person prior to the relationship.
I had only the option of becoming someone new, in a sense. Building on what I had.
In a discussion with my sister I revered to it as growing my tail back(lizard looses his tail and grows a new one back. But obviously its never the same one just a functionally new one).
I also came to understand that my imagination prior to her loss was so focused on life without her. All the real sad stuff. The mind does play its tricks, however, and I came to realize I still had a wonderful life with friends, great kids, loving pets, good job ect. And that my wife would want me to live this life and make something new of it.
So, thats were I'm at. Just day to day becoming who life intends me to be. I like this site but don't put too much stock into it. Just looking for friends. What happens after friends, who knows ,and who knows when or if I'll be ready. I'm actually not afraid of never finding "the one" again. I was blessed to have it once. | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/20/2008 11:28:32 AM | Hi OP and to everyone else my heart felt sympathies to all of you !!!
My Tony died January 11, 1995, just over 13 years now.
OP, you are in what I referred to as 'AUTOPILOT', it is like someone else is going through the motions for you...
It does get better and what I found helped me move ahead was knowing:
Our love can never die,
Our memories I always have,
My heart is big enough to find another love without it diminishing what we had,
I, along with everyone else, was put on this earth for a reason, we all have a purpose !
I don't look at the years he has not been with my and cry, I look at the 15 years I had with him and smile...
I recognize that I changed when he died, and embrace this new me because I don't have a choice.
Tony had been ill for two and a half years, we both felt blessed that we had time to grieve together...We did and I am so grateful for that !!!
A councillor once asked me if "I was over his death ?" I responded that you never get over something like this, you just get on with your life...
Listen to the lyrics in 'I want you to live', by George Canyon...cry your heart out and listen again...(this song my daughter heard and phoned me to put it on)...it is Tony's and my song ver batum...
"I WANT YOU TO LIVE", don't you think that is what he would want you to do ?
I hope this helps...You are not alone !!!
"Live, Love and Laugh with the Angels Tony" that is on my late husbands head stone...
LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH to all of you !!! Time helps and so does smiling, breath and let peace be with you :) | |
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| Widows and Widowers, any ideas or advice?
Posted: 1/20/2008 1:16:38 PM | Hey "shoes",
I lost my wife of 13 years to ovarian cancer. She had the disease for ten years before we married so I knew ahead of time it was coming. I still grieve her after 12 years and probably never will stop. It is part of who I am now. Even now, it is debilitating sometimes but only briefly and I have learned to just let it be and not worry that there is something "wrong" with me. We each have a different mind and personality so there is no rule that you can look to for a measure of your mental "health". My own feeling (and not necessarily what I think you should feel) is that it should hurt and what would one expect when a deep commitment is so profoundly transformed.
I wonder... do you really want to be your old self again? Maybe you can be the new you that is emotionally much deeper and wiser than so many other people. It became clear to me that there are a couple of different types of people in our culture; those who have confronted their mortality and those who have not. If you have, then you see that life is for living and the time and circumstances of our passing are not of our choosing so you can kind of let the whole thing be. If you have not confronted your mortality, you may very well be living your life in fear of dying; it is as if the notion that your death is there and waiting informs everything you do.
Instead of letting the pain roll over and crush you, maybe you could sit down to lunch with your pain and look it in the face. Sit across the table from it and say, "I see you, I know what you are and you are not the total of who I am - you're just a thing that happens to me." It is about separating yourself from the emotion and seeing that it is just a part of the total you. It needn't run you. Just looking at it can start the healing. This is just a suggestion, not necessarily a good one for you but you might give the notion some thought.
Your mind is working on this, and you have all the time you need to get this worked out. When it is time, things will change - when your heart has worked out this lesson. Just remember to be kind to yourself and that patience is genius - hang in there.
I wish you peace and comfort and some happiness. | |
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