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Posted: 12/27/2007 10:03:36 PM | My girlfriend has been dating this guy for about 4 months. While he claims he is in love with her, she has her doubts about how she really feels about him.
Christmas day they both spent together. She made him dinner and they exchanged gifts. She bought him a 'toy' worth $400. His gift to her was much less extravagant and less thoughtful. He bought her a CD and some gardening tools. About $40 was spent on his part. She is a single mom, decent job and obviously very generous. He makes at least 10X as much as she does.
She is extremely upset that his gift to her was so thoughtless and inexpensive. Even though she spent what she felt was alot of money to her, she said that she feels foolish for even thinking that he would be more thoughtful in his choices especially since he has the means to do so and he claims he loves her.
I tell her to not put so much weight on it. I don't think the value of his gift is a reflection of his feelings for her. I have seen them together once and I do think he adores her. She thinks it;s the principle of the gift exchange and that maybe he is a tightwad which is a turnoff to her.
I told her I would ask her on the forum what your thoughts are. | |
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Posted: 12/27/2007 10:09:21 PM | | Wrong place to come for answers. Why? We are blunt. But I do have to say this, your friend is a bit little materialistic. It is a taunting game. Let's see if he shows his money. So she made an investment, not a gift. She wanted him to up the ante. She wanted to see if he would go all out, give her a rock, a boat, her own apartment. I think he needs to dump her. She is what I would simply call a gold digger. | |
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Posted: 12/27/2007 10:11:14 PM | Well maybe your friend shouldn't have spent $400 on the guy.
My friend did the SAME thing. She bought her boyfriend a little PSP game thingy... it was like $300 or something, and he bought her some clothes at Target that were on the clearance rack.
Honestly, it shouldn't be about the gift, it should be the thought of the gift. Was it a CD he knew she'd want? Does she like to garden? Why didn't she spend more time focusing ona thoughtful gift then giving him something HUGE unless she wanted something huge in return?
I don't think I would ever buy some dude I had been seeing for 4 months a $400 gift what, $100 for each month he's put up with her? I think you break out the $400 gifts when you've been seeing someone for a year... or are married or something. He's a guy, he probably didn't think at 4 months that he needed to buy her a car or something.
Personally, I think she's just pissed that she spent $400 and he spent... maybe $30.  | |
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Posted: 12/27/2007 10:20:01 PM | ggirl101,
I totally agree with the first poster that responded to you. No one told her (except for herself) to go all out spending that type of money on someone she has only known for 4 months. Just because his gift was not as expensive compared to hers, doesn't mean it was thoughtless....matter of fact, those two words should not have been used in the same sentence. The most thoughtful things are the ones that are inexpensive, but priceless, because it comes straight from the heart. Your friend is extremely materialistic and needs to grow up! | |
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Posted: 12/27/2007 10:30:48 PM | Hi OP:)
I think perhaps it was your girlfriend who spent way too much on a Christmas gift for her boyfriend...considering that they've only been together for such a short time and all.
I don't know, but that seems like an awful lot of money to spend on a gift ....maybe I'm just out of it, or old fashioned, or whatever. But a CD, a book, a nice cologne, a shirt or a simple piece of jewellery would or should have been enough for a first Christmas gift,
it seems to me. If the couple *together* wanted to spoil each other a little bit more, they could have gone out to a nice dinner, or catch a play or something, and split the costs between the two of them.
And I don't feel that they will be a good match after all...I mean, if she already feels frustrated with this guy after just four
months, it's bound to get much worse. And this is one of those things that no amount of discussing will ever make better....even if she was right (she isn't IMO) and got her point across, he would always feel pressured and obligated to impress her with his gifts
to her. (ack!) Every way I look at it, I feel sorry for the guy because no matter what, he will never be good enough for her:(
*Just my opinion*
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Posted: 12/27/2007 10:34:43 PM | I told her the same. I felt she was just way too bent on the dollar amount of the gift. I think because he makes way more than she does, she felt she had to compensate some way. She disagreed with me and felt it was the thought of the gift that got her upset.
I also told her if she was willing to break up with him over this, than do so as this was definitely NOT the guy for her, if something as little as this could get her this upset. | |
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Posted: 12/27/2007 10:59:29 PM | please read what you wrote......
she has her doubts about how she really feels about him.
ummmmm......So.....two questions come to mind....
So would she have finally KNOWN how she feels about him had he spent more?? Like, would him spending MORE than 400.00 dollars had increased her feelings for him??? Because you might want to tell your friend that an ESCORT can be found to at least fake her way through seeming really interested in a guy for a LOT LESS.
It also bares saying that maybe the guy would SPEND more on an investment who IS sure about her feelings for him.........hellooooooo????
So are we to be impressed with the notion that if she spent four hundred dollars on a guy she's not even sure of, she'll REALLY blow her wad on a guy she IS???
fcuk me runnin'..........but where do I sign up.... That way I can be the one 'faking it'....
Please tell your friend to start spending her money in buying clues............ | |
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Tyeee
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Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 9 | |
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Posted: 12/27/2007 11:06:50 PM | $400 is a hugely expensive gift. She spent way too much.
I do think that she should sit down with her friend and talk about it. If they don't then feelings of resentment will grow like a cancer. They have to sort it out themselves. If they can't they might as well part company now.
Tyeee | |
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Posted: 12/27/2007 11:16:08 PM | I would feel uncomfortable if someone I have dated for such a short time spend that much money on me. It doesn't matter if I or him made $400,000 a year. Does the amount of money one spends tell how much they care for you? Or how little tells that they don't care?
Your friend has issues. | |
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Posted: 12/27/2007 11:27:32 PM | Presents are about:
(1) Enjoying giving
(2) Liking the person you are giving to, and giving because you want to - not because you feel you must
(3) Knowing something that you can get for that person that they can't go out and get for themselves if they truly want it....
(4) The gift of time and thought, more than anything else.
I feel your friend was an absolute idiot to spend $400 on a gift for someone she'd been dating for four months, REGARDLESS of whether or not he has told her he "loves" her, unless of course, your friend makes six figures and throws that kind of money away on a single dress or purse. In that case, $400 would be nothing to her.
If, on the other hand, $400 is more than her car payment, she was a fool. Especially if he makes 10X what she makes. If he wants a $400 gift, he'll go out and get it for himself. The gift she should have given to him was time....something homemade..special cookies or candies....maybe a handmade gift of some sort. It is the TIME invested that makes a gift very special. Not the money.
And she should have expected TIME back. Time spent on evaluating what she needs and cannot get for herself, or on something that would make her feel special. If he loves her, his gift should have reflected that love...and it would not necessarily manifest itself by money expenditure. But it definately should have manifested itself by familiarity (knowing what she wanted and giving it to her) and time spent acquiring the gift. | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 12:02:04 AM | I have to agree with the other posters, she went way too far, and expected her gentleman friend to go too far. 4 months is not a lot of time to have dated. I generally go by the 10X rule: you should multiply the number of months you've been dating times 10 and give a gift in that amount, at least for the first year or two (after several years of dating, that could mean some awfully expensive presents!). Also, just because someone makes a lot of money, doesn't mean they have a lot of disposable income and can spend a ton of money at the drop of a hat. People, in general, usually live beyond their means these days, so people that make more money tend to spend more. They usually buy bigger houses, buy nicer cars, go on more vacations, spend more on personal expenses (cosmetics, clothes etc), dine out more, have cottages or second homes, have pleasure vehicles (ATV's, boats, skidoos, seadoos etc). All this usually means they have more debt.
As for her expectations, would it not have been best to discuss her expectations with him with regards to christmas gifts before the holidays? As in set a budget and what not. I personally would be embarassed somewhat to be on either side of the coin (as in one giving a $40 gift when getting a $400 gift in return or giving a $400 gift and getting a $40 gift). Obviously there was a conflict in expectations and understanding and communication there.
As for the thought put into the respective gifts, can you really say his gift was so thoughtless? Maybe he looked through her CD collection, noticed a pattern and picked out a CD he thought she would like? Maybe he thought she liked gardening, based on comments she made or something and therefore bought her some gardening tools? To me that does show some thought. And whatr exactly was the 'toy' she bought him? She could have very well just gone into whatever store, saw something on the shelf and thought "Hey I think that's cool, I'm going to buy it for him" without thinking if maybe it's something he already has, or if it's something he would even want? | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 12:22:09 AM | From the OPost:
"I tell her to not put so much weight on it. I don't think the value of his gift is a reflection of his feelings for her. I have seen them together once and I do think he adores her. She thinks it;s the principle of the gift exchange and that maybe he is a tightwad which is a turnoff to her."
Based on the info provided by the OPost, I would agree with the OPoster (not her girl friend) and even with the "blunt" opin in Post 2.
It seems that the woman may be making less money but is either much more marerialistic than the guy or has indeed "invested" in this relationship. In the former case, she needs to go out and make more money herself and not rely on a BF or SO or husband to do so. In the latter, the guy "showed" her that he sees the rel in a much less "money related" fashion.
In any case, I do agree that they need to sut down and have a long talk but probably are not compatible, not only financially, but also in mentality.
I personally do not believe in giving and receiving gifts, from SOs, relatives, friends, etc of high mometary value, maybe it is my middle class mentality that has made me consider gifts a commercial gimmick and that the best gifts are non financial and non materialistic. I may be a capitalist but I think that many people make too much fuss re money and material possessions and possessiveness re other people in general. I, for one, would not date the OP's friend because I would have major red flags re her mentality in general as well as her motivations in rels.
All that based on the info provided in the OPost, of course.
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Posted: 12/28/2007 12:37:28 AM |
Please tell your friend to start spending her money in buying clues............
Yup. The boyfriend's gift was far more appropriate under the circumstances than was your friend's.
Did she think that because he makes 1o x the money she does & he "loves" her that he would spend a ridiculous amount of money on her after only 4 months?
I am still confused about her motivation, though. I have no doubt that the boyfriend knows that she is ambivalent about him ( he seems too smart for her, actually), but what would possess her to spend 10 x more than she should have on a guy that she knows is way more into her than she is into him?
There is something your friend isn't telling you, OP. | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 12:43:36 AM | So , it figgers in at about $100 per month?
Hmm , not so bad aye? (For HIM)
~I~ am Not going to 'agree' with all the other posts here (heh, imagine DaT )
"She Should Not have gotten/spent ... "
O , 'Woulda/Shoulda/Coulda' - Guess What ?!? Those < ?
The WORST^words/sayings/phrases , blah blah
In All of Life , this world.
Woulda , coulda , shoulda Have/Will NEVER count for ,fix,sovle ... AnyThing
E V E R
Sure, $ isn't Everything , But? It sure aint NoThing.
"The *Thought* that Counts" ??? Why , YES - i do agree , AND?
OP ... *Thought* to Spend 4 Hundred $ , On Her Love.
He? *Thought* to spend 4 ... TY
One , or All can put 2 , 2 Together , *Think* that it = 5
But ? It doesn't
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Posted: 12/28/2007 12:48:18 AM | For a first christmas gift (after only being together 4mnths), HE did the right thing...SHE went overboard.
Her biggest faux pas, was spending beyond her means...that just screams of desperation.
She sees him as tightwad..perhaps he is, or maybe he is someone who knows how to handle his finances. | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 1:29:31 AM | 1. Gifts should be given freely without strings attached or expectations of reciprocation. Otherwise, its blackmail.
2. OMG a man gave a Christmas gift that his woman didn't like? Stop the presses! That's never happened in the history of mankind before.
3. Sounds like this will be a pretext for breaking up with him. This is a deal breaker only to the emotionally immature. | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 1:47:57 AM | I'm wondering how much the OP's friend spent on the gifts for her kid...
I'd not dare to go that far as putting down rules as to how much you CAN or CAN'T spend on a gift for someone you care about, irregardles of how long you've been dating, and how much you both earn. It depends only on the intentions of the giver. But then the giver should never expect reciprocation. It does diminish the value of the gift..
I don't know if the OP's friend's boyfriend did the right thing, because the OP didn't say clearly if the gift reflected the girl's interests/hobbies/needs.. But then again, men are not always good with gifts, and yes, she defintely shouldn't take it against him, even if she's not going to be using the gardening tools too often.. ;)
Someone noticed that she's not sure about her feelings for him. Now the gift thing..
maybe her expectations towards a relationship are more materialistic. I'm not saying it's bad. It would be her attitude, her needs etc. But maybe the two of them see it differently.
Good luck for your friend, OP, anyway. :-) | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 1:59:53 AM | "....maybe her expectations towards a relationship are more materialistic. I'm not saying it's bad. It would be her attitude, her needs etc..."
Since when it is "OK" to enter into a relationship with materialistic goals or needs? These types of attitudes scare the #**#* out of people who want relationships based on love of each other and not the love or need for materials or money!!!! But then what does one expect when so many people call a "serious" relationship a "partnership", ie a very "business/corporate" term?
Want a partner? Then start a company!
Want more money? Get a better paying job!
Maybe LTR commitments and marriages and other financial liability/obligation involving rels should be registered at the Dept. of Trade and Industry! And be incoporated as a legal business entity, with balance sheets, revenues and costs, share, assets and liabilities, etc. That would rationalise things, IMO. And make break ups and divorces less "bloody". Even they could be traded in stock markets. And people leavig a rel should find someone to buy their shares in the "company" first!!
And would help avoid situations as the one described in the OPost!!!!!
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Posted: 12/28/2007 2:03:10 AM | | I'm simply not judging her, Nick. It's her life. As long as she's honest with her expectations towards her partner and herself, it IS her life. You or me or a number of people from this site wouldn't want to enter into such a relationship, but who are we to make her change herself? (if that's the way she is, we don't know that) | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 2:09:42 AM | "As long as she's honest with her expectations"
I am not judging HER either, I may be "judging" her attitudes and expectations and trying to put a proper label to what she actually is looking for the sake of transparency in relationships:
If these are indeed her expectations, she should be looking and advertising for a business partner , not BF/SO or husband. For the rest of my rationale on the wider implications of "her" needs and wants to all of us, see my prev post. Honest in this case is not to call what one wants love but a ...... "partnership"!!!!
Based on the info in the OPost of course and for the sake of transparency in relastionships.
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Posted: 12/28/2007 2:20:29 AM | Ay, Nick, you did edit your post in the meantime.. ;-)
Just because someone is materialistic, it doesn't have to mean they won't love the person they're in the relationship with. I do see the reason in what you're writing. I can see the danger in perceiving relationships this way, but you are exaggerating your point. We are all different. W have our past experiences, our up-bringing, our life behind us. Each of us has been taught or has learnt different lessons and not for everyone LOVE is the one and only most important thing in the world. You may be a dreamer and believe it should be, but again, it's YOUR individual right. Everyone has the right to expect whatever they want and need from their partner. They may end up unhappy/bitter or on the contrary, but still - as long as they're honest about it, it's their right. Just as it's our individual right to pursue our own happiness. And happiness means something different to each of us. | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 2:30:28 AM | I did add to my first post before the fellow poster posted hers, but even the initial post did explain my "concerns". About calling a spade a spade ie the use of common/the same language in dating and rels and in general (eg I did not edit my post, that is vague, I added to it, makes a difference).
"Everyone has the right to expect whatever they want and need from their partner'.
a) I cannot agree with such a blanket statement. For one thing, these expectations, needs and wants should be within the law.
b) Partner is a term that refers to business and deals. And when such a term has been incorporate into the maintream lingo of dating, then I think that concerns are not unwarranted.
Everyone is free to seek what they want, indeed, in rels and everything, but as long as they label it properly (and it is within the laws of the land).
Nuff said! I stand by the view inn my first post (no. 13) and in particular the part: In any case, I do agree that they need to sit down and have a long talk but probably are not compatible, not only financially, but also in mentality.
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Posted: 12/28/2007 2:33:36 AM | | When you buy with expectation of receiving the same, you chance being disappointed....Gifts are just that...gifts....they should be treasured in that the person cared enough to even think you important enough to give you one. Some of the greatest gifts I have received were priceless..... | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 2:46:26 AM | Let's get this straight...coming from the peanut gallery...
She is a single mom..making it in this world..she meets up with a guy and it's going well so for after for months....four months is still the.."getting to know you stage"....
In his mind...What do you give a lady you have just met? Nothing extravagant...perhaps he was getting pointers from friends and family? She likes music..give her a cd of her favorites. Perfect.........oh wait....she is expecting ...jewelry? Something a bit more materialstic?
I think he did the right thing...a token for now...until a few years pass by...then if it "sticks" ..he can exhale and find something nice...but for now...
The cd is a nice gift for starters..
She should not be so greedy...AND she should not have forked over an expensive "
TOY" sounds like she is trying to buy him.....tsk tsk.. | |
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