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Posted: 12/29/2007 3:50:59 PM | | How can I gain trust again as I was married to a liar for 17 years? I have been seperated now for nearly 4 years and its so hard to trust a man now especially on the internet as I think they are all like him. He was a womaniser who wanted an open marriage and lied and lied to me. I now accuse the men I meet of lying but I know thats not good but I think also trust is earnt over time. I now am warey of being cheated on again as faithfullness and honesty to me is a must!! | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 3:52:16 PM | 17 years?
I think the issue is something that is between you and your therapist... seek one out. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 4:57:12 PM | I'm not sure if this will help or not......
But would you be surprised if I told you that there are plenty of men on here who feel they can't believe one single word any woman now says to them for what the last one did as well????? I'm really not trying to play devil's advocate here. But it's not like your situation is 'unique'. You might as well get in line with all the other people who DO try to live a decent life, live honorably, and try to do the right thing....only to be surrounded by nothing but selfish, greedy, narcississtic, pathological LIARS, who are only in for what THEY can get........
The ONLY thing you can do is.......continue to live your life according to how YOU would live it. And you have to start 'letting go' of certain mindsets. I say that, because, until you do, you will NOT be able to trust your 'intuition' as to WHO you can really trust or not. Once YOU become balanced inside......you WILL be able to know who the ones are that are honest....and who aren't.
Seventeen years is a LONG time to be with somebody to establish 'patterns' within yourself. I would suggest that before you really try to move on to the NEXT thing....you first make sure that ALL of your residual issues have been discovered, resolved, and forgiven internally....otherwise, you will NOT be able to do anything except continue to believe that EVERY man out there is just like your ex......
Don't make another man's life miserable to the point where he has to continually PROVE that he is NOT like your EX........ THAT is being SELFISH..... And you WILL be known as one of those 'psycho basket cases' that makes men RUN....... Do not blame the man for doing this either...... That will be called DENIAL. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 5:03:56 PM | You need to let go of your past, forgive yourself and move on. Learn to live in the moment as if you live from your past you are bound to repeat it.
I know this sounds like unobtainable gobbly goop at this point but you must have the courage to have this as your goal.
As a previous poster stated, therapy might be a good thing to help you on the path. But I would be very careful of the therapist you pick. A good one can help but a bad one can only show you the wrong path.
Not all of us are womanizers, nor are all women gold diggers or whatever visions people put on other people based on their past.
I only say that because I was in your shoes. The best thing I did was start reading on Buddhism and taking some classes on meditation. That really helped me focus on the moment and make the changes in me that was required. That may or may not help you but I can only share what I did.
The choice is yours and I wish you luck on your journey. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 5:11:33 PM | GeriBerry,
Losing trust in someone or something is a traumatic experience. It can, does and will take a long time to recover, and to be able to trust again.
In any relationship, trust takes a lifetime to build, and only a second to destroy.
I have learned that before you can trust another, you have to trust yourself. Trust yourself that you are using good judgment. Trust yourself that you are not rushing into a situation or relationship based on just a pretty picture, or words and promises.
Also remember that Trust should not be given out like a free gift. Your trust should only be given out when the other person has earned it. Earning that trust takes time.. LOTS of time in most circumstances. If any man ever says "trust me", you can come back and say "As soon as you have earned it."
I wish you the best of luck in the future! | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 5:21:45 PM |
"If any man ever says "trust me", you can come back and say "As soon as you have earned it."
I would definitely agree with that. If you're looking to make sure you can trust a guy that you're meeting online, be sure to set some ground rules (i.e. how slow you want to take it) although not going to extremes ... you never want someone else constantly trying to prove he's not your ex. If you can find someone who's willing to take it slow with you then he's probably worth trusting. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 5:28:17 PM | | Alot of guys have been burned on this site, Should they all treat you like you are the one that burned them? Your ex cheated on you, I have something simple to say about it. GET OVER IT!!! Everyone on this site is not your ex, Don't treat them like your ex. If you try and start something by not being trustful... you will end up not starting anything at all. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 5:34:17 PM | OP,
The man who lost your trust was your ex-husband, not any of the men on here. If you dont think you are ready to get involved with someone again, stay single. However, if you are going to give it a try, be willing to allow yourself to trust again. If you arent, you will only frusrate yourself and the man. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 5:58:08 PM |
I have been seperated now for nearly 4 years
I wouldn't trust you because you aren't divorced after being separated 4 yrs.! There's something wrong w/ that picture.
We all get burned w/ the trust issue, don't take it out on the next person. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 6:10:30 PM | DTA....... always keep the worst in the back of your mind and never trust again, people will let you down...
I'm just joking...
Maybe it is cause I'm young a naive but If you can't allow your self to trust in somebody else, is there really any point in dating? | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 7:16:44 PM |
I think the issue is something that is between you and your therapist... seek one out.
Agree 100% with this statement. There is nothing wrong with speaking help, trust is an issue and someone always asks me "how can I trust you" and I say "100%" they say yes, and I being the logical type say there is no 100%.
So, get therapist this I think is the best course. Free advice on the internet is worth exactly what you paid for it. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 7:45:54 PM | I agree with a lot of what ppl have said so far. Don't put all men in the "untrustworthy" category and let them earn you trust. Really all I can add to it all is that it's been scientifically proven that nobody is 100% honest. But there's the difference between harmless lies and harmful lies. Your ex's lies were the harmful kind but if someone lied about how much they paid for something then that'd be what I'd call harmles. You'll always run into lying and it's up to you what you'll tolerate and what you won't. For 17yrs you put up with the harmful ones; learn from it and move on. Find in yourself what you'll tolerate and what you won't. Then stick to your tolerances, let ppl earn your trust and then continue to earn it everyday that you know them.   | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 7:52:12 PM | As someone who's been blamed for past men's mistakes, OP, you gain trust by going into each new friendship or relationship as a new person. The fact that you make reasons to find fault in an innocent man shows that you have issues and are very insecure. Your spending 17 years with a liar confirms this. Men do it too, and it's just as wrong.
Don't put another man through the wringer because you didn't know how to move on. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 7:53:56 PM | | Trust everyone as much as much as you safely can until they betray you | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 8:19:59 PM | You need to look for that answer in yourself.
When your ready to let go and open up you will ... but ... why wait? | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 9:13:59 PM |
and its so hard to trust a man now especially on the internet as I think they are all like him
Excuse me? All of US are like him? I think not! I am sorry to see you ahd to endure a liar, for 17 years no less, but not all of us are like that. Plus, if you knew he was such a liar, why did you stay so long, why didn't you get away sooner? My ex lied to me for a long time but I don't think ALL WOMEN are liars. Some people just can't or don't know how to be honest, but that doesn't apply to everyone. I can say and will stand by my word I am not a liar and I don't think any of my friends think so either, maybe that's why they ask me for advice often. Now, as far as regaining trust again that may well come in time, but since you've lived that nightmare you should know all the warning signs and when the time comes for you to meet a new guy you should know what to look and listen for so you don't go through that mess again. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 10:18:53 PM | You only need to realise one thing and that is that the only person you need to trust is yourself.
At the moment you don't trust your own judgement and it this that you need to work on.
Here is a place to start. Accept that most people feel under so much emotional pressure at points in their lives -- pressure that is invisible to you -- that they feel the need to lie. This does not make them bad people, it just means that they are struggling to cope. Being less condemning and more understanding of lies and deceit would reduce the emotional impact that being lied to is having on you.
You cannot ever know 100% for sure that a person is not lying to you. The feeling of certainty is a comforting illusion. A person can never truly earn your trust: that is an illusion and an skilled conman can make you believe that he is trustworthy unless you continue to suspect everyone regardless. An honest man can never completely prove his honesty and actually dishonest men are far better at being convincing because they are happy to press your emotional buttons in order to get you to believe what they want you to believe.
The key is in what my brother once said to me: "Ask yourself whether it matters if they're telling the truth or not" -- or at least in my interpretation of his words. Mostly, it doesn't matter -- the truth is there in the whole picture of their thoughts and actions but we can never know the entire truth of another person because there are too many millions of facets and factors and they do not know them all themselves. The thing to ask yourself is not "Is he telling the truth?" but "What are all the possibilities: what scenarios could be true, taking into account the possibility that you are not being told the truth".
Ask yourself which are really likely scenarios: which fit with human nature and his nature as you have experienced it so far. Challenge yourself by identifying what it is you want to believe and by asking whether there is truly evidence for that or whether you are being misled by your own wishful thinking. Self-deceit is what skilled conmen lead us into and what we fall into of our own accord even more frequently.
Trusting yourself comes in at the next step. If you can't trust yourself to cope with the worst case scenario of a risk that is not essential, you shouldn't take the risk. You need to trust yourself to make a half-decent rational judgement and -- far more importantly -- to be able to cope with the consequences of being wrong.
Being lied to loses its emotional impact when you accept the possibility of lies and become more open to understanding that other people are under invisible emotional stresses and pressures that lead to behaviour they consider less than ideal... When you become more accepting of the possibility of lies and of hearing things that you don't really wan to hear, you will actually find that you are lied to far less.
You do not actually need to trust men at all. Just learn to trust yourself. To do this you need to understand yourself better: the ways in which you are emotionally influenced; your triggers; your desires; your hopes and your fears. Figure out what you want to believe and use this knowledge about yourself to help you to see the other possibilities of reality more clearly. You are the filter through which you perceive the whole world and every experience you will ever have comes through this filter of your own making.
Just my perception of the whole trust thing. I hope that perhaps it helps you: it helped me a lot. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 2:26:17 PM | i have over the past three weeks have discovered not to trust any person on this site :-(
why... becos once someone tries to get to know you u let little things slip otu and they either delete yr emails or refuse to talk to u via im.. that is so rude.. and you do get to be very cynical about certain types.. so.... one questiopn can women be trusted ?? | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 2:55:49 PM | I find it hard to trust and i was dating a liar for a year.
Good luck.
Nathan.x | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 3:21:26 PM | | Step one get a divorce. Step two move on. Step three stop wallowing. You're separated for four, count em 4, years and you're still crying about your miserable cheating husband? 17 years is a long time but what is the purpose of wallowing in self pity for the next 17? Optimism works and pessimism paints you in a corner that will drive em all away. All of us have been trashed and hurt at some point fairly seriously in our lives. Its those who are able to pick themselves dust themselves off and move forward in a positive way with a positive outlook who prosper. You most certainly can spent the rest of your life whining and complaining about men. Why not change your outlook and be positive. We've all been hurt. Positive attracts and negative repels. Smarten up and prosper. | |
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Posted: 1/14/2008 12:30:32 PM | the OP is no longer with us.
just thought i would mention this.
bc | |
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