| | THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!Page 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | | Ok lady answer me this? i have been divorce for 4 years. all the women i meet tell me i have a wall around my heart! but there is a reason for it. I don't trust them i have been burnt three times and i keep it guarded very close and i hate that feel when you get kick to the curb. I'm a good guy and try to treat a woman with respect . the last one a dated i let it down two weeks later bang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Oh i need some time." THAT BULL CRAP! So how do you all tick? | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 10:57:50 PM | | Well I havent been divorced but many ruin have scarred me horribly, so Im in the same boat. I really dont trust women at all and being so honest I used to tell them that. I pretty much assume at some point(s) they are gunna totally screw me over. That was the mistake. See... just dont let on. Hahahaha, pretend you trust them. ^_^ Thats the way to go. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 10:59:46 PM | It takes a long time to build that wall up and it takes twice as long to bring it back down. I am the same way as you are. If I give my heart, I give it freely, but if I am guarded, it is incredibly difficult for anybody to break through it. Once I put up my 'wall', it takes incredible force and determination for anybody to bring it down again.
I wouldn't let a two-week relationship put up a wall against any further relationships, but if it was a lengthy, substantial relationship where I felt I was betrayed, I would and have closed off my emotions. It takes a brave and patient man to tear that wall down again. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:05:23 PM | Ummm I think I have no heart so I can relate.
Divorced 7 years, my heart was not broken but Im not interested in 'falling' for anyone so I think I might not only have the wall, but a fortress and moat. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:05:47 PM | | Why exactly does the wall need to be torn down? Im of the opinion that my wall saves me a ton of grief. I love my wall. I even painted it. Yep, sometimes I sit on it and watch the sun set. Yay for walls of the heart! | |
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rune3
| | Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 8 | |
| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:20:19 PM | My special someone said that he was like this but that the walls came down when I loved him without asking him to change anything, loved him wall and all and let him know he could keep his wall as long as he needed it. I did not make any choice or design to do this, it was just the way I naturally am.
People who would try to tear down your wall should not be allowed to succeed. Your wall is there for a reason, because you feel you need it to protect you and until that feeling and that need is gone, you should keep your wall and mistrust those who want to rip out your defences for their own self-gratification. Do what you need to do to feel safe and to heal. When you feel that you don't need the walls, they will fall away. Try not to get too cynical, though: from behind your walls observe the human kindness in yourself and in others and believe in it.
Also be aware that many people do need feedback and connection greater than you can provide whilst you are in this state and also that you are not the only person in the world who has been injured emotionally -- many people have problems and certain types of people, who you may well be drawn to, may have problems which tend to spotlight yours. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:22:39 PM | As you can see by the responses you are getting, putting up a wall to avoid being hurt is a choice that every one of us is free to make... But you need to remember that the wall also prevents you from being able to accept the love of a good woman. Good women do not deserve to be treated with mistrust and suspicion just because it may be comfortable for you to stick ALL women in a category to avoid being hurt.
There isn't one of us in this world who is immune from being hurt, disappointed, betrayed and let down by those we love but the legacy of pain is knowledge if you let it be. There is a lot to be learned about ourselves from a bad relationship such as where our boundaries need to be tightened up or loosened, where our standards need to be raised or lowered, where our methods of choosing our partners need to be revisited, what we can and cannot stand, what our core values are, what we might need to change about ourselves... I am personally humbled by those experiences that have helped me to grow to become the person I am today... Someone once said, "without the rain, there can be no rainbows" and it is very true in human relationships.
Rejection isn't easy for any of us to handle but learning how to roll with the punches and remain the loving person you want to be is one of the greatest strengths we can cultivate in this life... OR.. you can sit behind that wall and wail because you, like the rest of us, have been hurt... Pick what makes you happy and go for it... | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:36:31 PM | Agree with everyone here...a few things that have been said over the years that might help a bit...
It is better to have loved and lost than never been loved at all
The deeper you mourn, the deeper you loved
I know they are both paraphrased, but at the end of the day they are extolling the virtues of embracing love when you find it...if you let it pass by you never know the joy or the devastation.
The Dance...Garth Brooks
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Says it all to me...if you don't let the walls down you may miss pain, but you'll miss the joys as well.
Good luck... | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:37:46 PM | Face it, we're not here on a winning streak, walls are good especially when it comes to self-preservation.
I've met somebody on here (POF) and at first I was using all my defence mechanisms. The thing that got to me about her is she gave the reasons to dismantel the walls myself. THAT was something new, open up the window myself to let her in a little more at a time.
Now we're doing what we wanted when we got on here to begin with; We found the person we enjoy being with and don't need other people to fill in the gaps.  | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:43:52 AM |
So how do you all tick?
I don’t tick, I talk.
I think fear of is the biggest inhibitor to finding a match for many, myself included. Once you’ve felt the anguish and grief of having your heart pulverized, it’s damn hard to take the risk and reach for the brass relationship ring again. You build your walls, a fortress deep and mighty. Each missed opportunity, red flag, close call, et al---it’s just another brick in the wall. Though this stronghold is erected for self-preservation and to ward off invading marauders, it also holds your heart prisoner. Now, ya can’t have any pudding if ya don’t eat yer meat, so the mortar to the bricks in the wall must be a mixture of faith and hope---but no charity, I’m an “independent woman”  (watches with glee as men scatter like beads in a broken necklace).
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
Can't keep our hearts in jail!
Prisoners of love
Our turtle doves
Soon coming 'round with bail
You can lock us up
and lose the key
But hearts in love are always free!
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
'Cause we're still prisoners of love!
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:15:35 AM | Look to the future. What do you think it holds if you have a closed heart?
I'm picturing a grumpy old git who finds fault with the whole world so my question is, is this how you want to end up?
If you have a closed heart then it's you that has issues, it's nothing to do with anyone else really....Sooooo, work through these issues & stop looking for love while you are.
Be the best person you can be, take up new hobbies and pass times, get yourself fit and eat well and I'm sure your walls will start to crumble.
Just take a chance. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:17:54 AM |
Ok lady answer me this? i have been divorce for 4 years. all the women i meet tell me i have a wall around my heart! but there is a reason for it. I don't trust them i have been burnt three times and i keep it guarded very close and i hate that feel when you get kick to the curb. I'm a good guy and try to treat a woman with respect . the last one a dated i let it down two weeks later bang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Oh i need some time." THAT BULL CRAP! So how do you all tick?
4 years is waaaay too long to still not be over a divorce.
I'm sure your ex has moved on w/ her life.
At this point,counseling is in order.
BEFORE you try to date again.
Or else you're wasting your time..and somebody else's. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:35:59 AM | All right.....so here's the thing about the wall. We have this wall.... and we're going along our merry way......when we meet X (not to be confused with ex) and X and me spend time.....blah, blah, blah......getting along great......weeks pass by.....no real effort on X's part to remove said wall.....we're still hanging out.....better n better.... next thing you know....NO wall.....I know....it's the craziest thing....I swear I saw it there yesterday....but today it's gone.
See, this is the long and short of how walls suddenly disappear. Usually it takes longer.....and one never gives up their wall in a week or two...lol.....but man....when it's gone.....it's a beautiful thing.....talk about freedom!!
So, good luck... :) | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:36:12 AM | | You need to heal your heart rather than keep your wall around it, otherwise you'll miss being in love again. There are ways you can heal yourself, books you can read, people you can speak to. Find out about these, and help yourself, instead of being stuck in this pitiful state. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:56:00 AM | | I have a huge wall around my heart. Doesnt mean I cant love. I just expect the person Im in love with to screw me over eventually. I think thats down right realistic these days. ^_^ | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:57:55 AM | I think the more important question is,how do you tick????
You recognize you have issues with trust,so this is something you can work on. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:05:31 AM | | Why work on it? I dont have a problem with it and the women I see never find out because Ive learned not to be vocal about it. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:11:25 AM |
I just expect the person Im in love with to screw me over eventually.
Therein lies the heart of the problem. This expectation prevents you from fully trusting the person, and without trust, it's not much of a relationship for *either* of you, thus increasing the liklihood that the other person will indeed move on eventually. So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're setting yourself up for failure with that line of thinking. And it seems to be working every time.
Is that really what you want to continue doing? | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:19:46 AM | a lot of us have that wall built up too and as one post said,it takes a long time to build it up and twice as long to break it down...i've been on my own 5yrs now..i've dated only one guy on here and i got to the point where that wall was tumbling down,only to be hurt once more..now i'm real cautious..i won't make the same mistake..i will take it slow next time around..i have like this red light in my head that says"warning,warning" "danger, danger"you're gonna be hurt again!! i'm not saying i won't let anybody in, but i'm am going to take my time..afterall i've waited 5 yrs now..so what's a little more time to meet the right one?
enjoy your time with your date, but maybe be a little standoffish til it feels right for both of you,take your time and don't rush it. you have every right to have that wall built up but somebody special will come along and will be worth the wait..especially when your wall comes tumbling down..good luck | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:24:28 AM | I have a force field around me. I am particular about who I let in. If someone left after just two weeks, I might wonder what the heck happened but would not be devistated over it, after all how much do you have invested in just two weeks? I will admit, I have dated short term and thought there was potential and they didn't. I was miffed but no recovery time was required.
Lots of men have told me I have a shield up, but given a little time, they tell me there is so much more to me than meets the eye. Thank goodness! since the mirror/mirror on the wall does not tell me I am the fairest of them all. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:32:14 AM | Well I dont agree with what you said Hiker07. "...without trust, it's not much of a relationship for *either* of you..." and "You're setting yourself up for failure with that line of thinking."
I believe those statements to be untrue. I dont have a problem with not trusting women. And I dont let on that I dont... so she'll think I trust her completely. I dont have a problem with it, and she doesnt know there could be a problem. Sounds like it works the same as actually pulling the wool over my eyes and trusting her. No harm no foul.
Im not a believer in wishy washy ideas of romance and relationships. Like it needs love, trust and friendship. Blah blah blah. Thats doctor Phil stuff. People on this forum just toss that stuff out their like it were candy. Buts thats not how Ive seen the world work. Thats just how people WISH the world worked. Not how it IS. Since Im pretty much a 100 percent believer in the Truth I cant live in a fake world. I gotta live with what is. | |
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| THE WALL AROUND MY HEART!!!!!!!!
Posted: 12/31/2007 4:47:01 AM | For me personally, trust is the foundation for a strong relationship. Without it, "we" will go nowhere. That's not just something that I toss out for the forums; it's the way the world works for *me*. I understand that you feel differently, ignoble, but that doesn't make my statements untrue. I'm just offering an alternative opinion.
Since Im pretty much a 100 percent believer in the Truth I cant live in a fake world.
Yet you also stated that you don't let on that you don't trust a woman so that she'll think you trust her completely. How close to 100% truthful is *that*? Sounds pretty fake to me.
It just seems like you're looking for one thing but doing another. 100% believer in the truth, yet putting up walls and being fake yourself. It's something to be aware of, anyway. | |
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