| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:38:27 PM | I recently spoke with and went out with a wonderful man from Cincinnati, who was very busy as a business owner......which I was ok with him being consumed by his job; because I also am very busy and successful too, just not as busy as him. I asked him how he had time to look for a relationship. He assured me he had good competent people working for him, and made time. Since I wanted a man who was a strong family man.........respected my priorities of family, friends and job demands, he seemed an ideal man to get to know. It seemed like a happy balance of together and alone time could be managed.
He told me he had been burned by a woman who presented herself as an upstanding paralegal/model, who he dated for a while.She stole credit card info from him and used it fraudulantly. She also had a boyfriend on the side he didn't know about. He also had other women on POF that were deceptive. I assured him......I was not like that. I shared my experience with men that were deceptive, liars and master manipulaters, but really no one that was scary.
We had 2 great dates;but, he insisted on talking only on Yahoo Instant messanging (IM), which is understandable; because, he uses it to communicate with his employees too. Without the face to face contact that shows facial expressions.......context.......& terrible misperceptions happened. He rarely ever talked to me on the phone...........basically I was forced to use this method of communication. A series of major business and family issues he had over the Xmas holidays forced us to cancel dates for 3 1/2 weeks. We were both busy. Now..........my player radar was active; since I have been burned before by slick Willy's before ;but, he just never struct me that way at all. He always seemed like a very honorable, sweet , kind man.
The bottom line is I tried to let him know that I lead a very busy life and put other men "on hold" just to concentrate on getting to know him. I basically wanted to communicate in a nice way......hey I am am making time to carve out dates to get to know you;but, it's not happening. He thought I was giving him some sort of an ultimatum.............which was not my intention at all! He perceived it wrong. I have tried talking to him as two rationale /stable/ intelligent people by leaving a friendly VM asking him to just talk in person to clear things up. He told me in an IM to "STOP this is getting too weird" I am totally dumbfounded. I was just trying to communicate in an effective way and clear the air. How can I tell this wonderful man that I just wanted to openly and honestly communicate face to face? I hate to give up on a potentially great relationship because of a misunderstanding and a total breakdown in the lines of communication. We only went on 2 dates; but, he told me the connection was very powerful. I also felt the same thing. There was nothing phony about this man. Is he just not ready to trust anyone? Am I and all other women going to be assumed guilty until proven innocent, mistrusted until I prove I am worthy to be trusted? | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:43:35 PM | | Sounds like hes mentally deficient to me. You seem to be a lovely women. And I think your whole problem was what you already said. IMs. Bad way of doing relationship business. Ive had countless misunderstandings also. Im afraid however that this guy got burned like you said and you will be assumed guilty, till proven conclusively innocent. You will be mistrusted. I dont care about people saying "hes gotta tear down his walls" blah blah blah, like its his fault. Well its not, guys like us dont just erect these walls voluntary. Each brick is put up nice and carefully by the horrible women in our past. All i can suggest to you is to take a step back and ask yourself... are you willing to take the time and heal this big ole wounded animal? Ya... I wish a woman would take the time to do that for me. ^_^ | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:01:24 AM |
I have tried talking to him as two rationale /stable/ intelligent people by leaving a friendly VM asking him to just talk in person to clear things up. He told me in an IM to "STOP this is getting too weird" I am totally dumbfounded. I was just trying to communicate in an effective way and clear the air. How can I tell this wonderful man that I just wanted to openly and honestly communicate face to face? I hate to give up on a potentially great relationship because of a misunderstanding and a total breakdown in the lines of communication.
From what you've said, he's not willing to try again with you--nor does it seem he's all that willing to do things any way but his, such as his wish not to communicate any way except via IM. And so you have to believe that you've done your best to clear things up, within the barriers he's set up, and let it go. If he's really all that wonderful, he'll come to you eventually and ask for more clarification. And if he doesn't--well, do you really want someone that rigid and/or frightened? (Sorry, but your description isn't making him sound in the least bit like a winner.)
--Ms. Flis | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:19:31 AM | NEXT.... don't concentrate on someone that you are NOT actually speaking with on the phone and dating! You could be missing out on a great guy... one that ACTUALLY will make time for you!!! ;-)
It is difficult to read between the lines and I know I've read things and ended communication cuz it seemed to clingy.... when I haven't even met someone.
Sometimes when people go on and on about being burned... they are the type of people that will burn you.... | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:20:24 AM |
he insisted on talking only on Yahoo Instant messanging
Sounds to me like he's married. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:59:57 AM | "Am I and all other women going to be assumed guilty until proven innocent, mistrusted until I prove I am worthy to be trusted?"
Don't you just hate that? Sounds like someone strapped a penis to you, and made you a man!
You've just signed on to the largest least-trusted internet group of the planet.
Like AOL says when you sign on...
Welcome! You've got Male!..."stigma."
Not that much fun, wearing that gland, is it?
Anyway.. The only thing I can tell you is get him on the phone, or see him in person and explain yourself. It's all you can really do. I've had that very same problem, my humor doesn't come across well in an IM, and always being the Jokester, it can get "ugly." I hope it works out for you and all is well. If not, start over again.
If the latter happens. You might be able to start with a new perspective. Like I said. I've been where you are at, I KNOW that confusing "what did I do?!" feeling, trying to explain myself.. I get it a LOT. With that gland between my legs, I have to fly through yours and 10,000 others "player radar", background requirements, e-mail restrictions, etc etc. ANY kind of "blip" on that radar, and the flack Guns are trained on you & start firing. Sometimes You feel like Christ carrying the cross through the streets, and the angry mob, lining the sides, just waiting for the crucifixion... chanting & yelling MAN, MAN, MAN, MAN!.. So, remember, with your new gland, comes MUCH responsibility,and,many,many, unreasonable expectations...use it wisely..  | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:42:40 AM | Goodness, perfect--
You've gone above and beyond attempting to handle this appropriately. How does one effectively communicate with someone via instant message only? Answer: They don't.
I very briefly dated someone who also only wanted to communicate via instant message. Guess what! You've got it. He was very married.
I don't know what the matter is with this man you met as you're an extremely attractive lady and it is his loss that he has blown it. You deserve better than the treatment that you've described here. You wanted to have personal contact with the man via the telephone or in person to clarify and he couldn't comply? This isn't someone you want to go further with.
Cut bait now and recast. Do yourself a favor and be thankful that you've discovered now what you certainly would have discovered later.
Be patient. You'll do better next time.
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:50:50 AM | I dunno, as a guy this situations seems to SCREAM "something to hide"
I would agree with the PP(previous poster) about 'marriage' because I feel that this might be how one may act say if they were wanting to hide something, likely a person that does not prefer some phone conversation does not want to be overheard by others wouldn't you agree?
Sad thing is that sometimes people tell others the things that they feel they want to hear and then they act completely different, it's not your fault, they were not being truthful most possibly all along the way, love conquers all right. I mean c'mon let's be realistic if all the communications with staff are through messenger then the damn phone is free, right? thought so.
Keep casting  or nibbling on some nice tasty bait bites and things will all work out for you, if you really want them to. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:08:56 AM | I've been in similar situations and here's the way I see it.
Don't believe a word of it. He's not interested. He (they) all have those funny words coming in but when they want out, they want out and will get out any way they can. Let him go with a boot in the A**. JUST SAY GIT. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:16:05 AM | I did forget to mention the I feel his next step would have been computer sex. I've run into a lot of it. I think he probably is doing that through IM
You should move on. I wouldn't call him again, | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 8:33:18 AM |
I hate to give up on a potentially great relationship because of a misunderstanding and a total breakdown in the lines of communication.
It doesn’t sound like there ever was a line of communication. You wanted a guy to give you space for your Family, friends, business etc. He wanted a woman who gave him space to .....well, that has yet to be determined.
EVERY aspect of your story leads to one conclusion: you were set-up/ manipulated/ used/ pick your
favorite term and insert here. Whether he was married, had multiple other girlfriends, lost interest, is unimportant. The sad fact is that you were “managed” to stay in a certain place and have dared to try to expand that space.
The story of the paralegal/ model established him as a victim who needed time to heal. When you
stretched the boundaries, that story was in place to explain his rejection of your efforts. Then there are “ other women on POF that were deceptive”, again, the best defense is a good offense. “You don’t want to be like all those others, do you ? Play it my way or be branded “deceptive”. What did they “Deceive” him about ? Could it be they eventually refused to buy into his BS when he thought they had promised to do so ? They promised to be "good" and they weren’t, so they lied. And now you also have joined that crowd and are being described to the next applicant to join his staff of “good competent people working for him”. I wonder if you will get to be a “business woman/ model” .
He is busy and communicates with Yahoo Instant messaging raising you to the same level as his
“employees” and you viewed this as a good thing ? I hear that there is this new fangled thing called a telephone that works well also and is ever so much more personal. The trouble involves the ability to trace a number and timing. IM can be used so much more “effectively” with multiple users
( Use-esee?) and to cover-up nasty inconveniences ...like a phone call that comes in when a person is involved in sexual play and that difficult to explain Caller ID function.
I have tried talking to him as two rationale /stable/ intelligent people by leaving a friendly VM asking him to just talk in person to clear things up. He told me in an IM to "STOP this is getting too weird"
Well, that is one way of looking at it. Care to guess how he will be describing it in his next
sob story ? Do you think you will be stealing his credit card, stalking him, or hovering outside his workplace ? Ever boil a bunny ? Care to wager if you will be given credit for doing so ?
.....but, he told me the connection was very powerful.
Yeah. Carnival Psychics make the same kind of claims every day. Why ? Because folks LIKE hearing it.
Is he just not ready to trust anyone?
Please don’t. He is still the victim in your head ? This guy is an artist. If he reads your thread i am sure he will see that you have repented and are ready to behave like a good employee.
Before you say “But i met him on another site” think a moment. Don’t you wonder what his name is here on POF? Or what his NAMES are ?
Good Luck with the next guy. Don’t hold what happened against him. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 8:39:33 AM | | It could very well be that he is just as guilty of burning as having been burnt....you have only heard what he wants you to hear..... | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 8:48:26 AM | It doesn't bode well when both sides of a new relationship are sharing stories of how badly burned they've been. It means people have still got emotional residue lurking around. If we're going to form new relationships it's got to be with a hopeful atmosphere I suppose rather than 'ooh this love thing's a terribly scarring thing - let share war wounds' - there's an unconscious message going on along the lines of 'what the hell are we doing here? This doesn't feel good at all'.
His ,STOP this is too weird, doesn't really say much about you - it's more about how he feels.
The powerful connection itself is enough to frighten someone if they feel they're being pulled in too soon. Maybe you and all other women will be guilty until proven worthy in his eyes for a couple of years to come.
I think he's just saved you a couple of years struggling to come to terms with his baggage (and then failing probably) so I'd try to let go of it OP otherwise you'll follow the same route as he's doing.
Doesn't sound like he's ready to me. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 8:53:04 AM | I am someone who doesn't particularly like talking on the phone. So it should be a warning sign that even I think his behavior is a little off. Anytime you get involved with someone, compromise is needed. He should be willing to communicate in a way that makes you both feel comfortable.
As a side note, I do agree with the above poster that starting a relationship talking about all the times you both have been burned is perhaps a bad way to start off a new relationship. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 9:50:18 AM | Solarpanel,
Thanks, you hit the nail on the head. I really think this guy is emotionally bruised and needs time to heal. Everyone heals at different speeds. If it's God's will that he is going to be in my life, it will happen with time, if not, then that's ok too. I agree with you that he wasn't ready to handle that sort of intensity. I have to think positive and put my future in God's plan, not mine. When I try to orchestrate the way I think my life should go..............I usually muck it up. LOL
Thanks so much! | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:05:26 AM | Thank you, OP. I've got even more big headed now. It's a large Solarpanel for me.
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:13:11 AM |
Sounds like hes mentally deficient to me. Ditto on what that person said. There are so many "fish in the sea" that you should really just give up on that guy. There's plenty of great guys here that would say you're awesome. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 11:20:36 AM | Sounds like he's either married or a nutbar. Or a married nutbar. Maybe he's looking for an affair because his wife is a fruitcake. I kill me.
Either way, I don't see where the "wonderful man" part is. It looks like he wanted to be in charge of every aspect of the relationship, including how and when you communicated with him.
Yeah, married or nutbar. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:03:30 PM | Well............he really is not a nut case at all. He may be a walking wounded man who needs to take time to heal and trust women again;but, I assure you....................he's got it all together. It's easy to assume that when people act wierd...............it's because they are weird, and it may not be the case. I always like giving people the benefit of the doubt.
Xmas always brings out the stress in me........has for a long time. I may say or do things that are out of character for me. .................. That's when my first grandchild died when she was 3 days old, so you can see............I don't act myself during that time. I think the holidays make a lot of people reexamine their life and it brings up old wounds. The holidays are very tough on single people........even if you have lots of loving family around. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:03:34 PM |
I tried to let him know that I lead a very busy life and put other men "on hold" just to concentrate on getting to know him. I basically wanted to communicate in a nice way......hey I am am making time to carve out dates to get to know you;but, it's not happening. He thought I was giving him some sort of an ultimatum.............which was not my intention at all! He perceived it wrong.
I don't think he perceived it incorrectly, rather, I think that's how you came across. It sounds like you were putting on pressure to me. I'd get put off too by your message. That kind of a message, whether you meant it this way or not, sounds selfish and rude.
Sadly, what typically happens on these forums is that an OP posts their lament and then a chorus pile on faulting the unknown other party, such as your guy. So you get this great wisdom like:
"Sounds like hes mentally deficient to me.
Sounds to me like he's married.
nor does it seem he's all that willing to do things any way but his
NEXT....
You should move on.
You'll do better next time."
Anything but actually looking at the communication itself, which was the problem here, and which you already realize: "because of a misunderstanding and a total breakdown in the lines of communication".
So, instead of calling him mentally deficient or guess that he's married, why don't we try changing how you communicate? You won't do better next time until you first accept how you mishandled this time around. Otherwise you're bound to repeat the same mistakes.
First now you have to do damage control, however. Call him, apologize, tell him you realize how you came across and how that wasn't your intent. Explain that you were looking for the same effort back, but felt a little frustrated and didn't think, but reacted. Don't make too much of an excuse for yourself, because then it won't be an apology anymore, but you excusing yourself. Then ask him out for a date. He may or may not want to date you again, but at least you will have cleared the air some and put the ball in his court.
And in the future, you decide if you're seeing a "wonderful man" with whom there is "nothing phony about", if it's worth it to come across as demanding, rather than accepting that there were some disruptions over the holidays.
The proof will always be in the pudding. If someone is just not that into you, dates will end. You calling and putting them on the spot isn't going to make things work out any better.
Am I and all other women going to be assumed guilty until proven innocent, mistrusted until I prove I am worthy to be trusted?
That's way too dramatic, don't you think? Is this how you communicate things? It's too much! Reign it in.
All that being said, anyone who is telling you on your dates about how they got screwed by a model, well, they're not the best dating material until they get over having to talk about it to the new women in their lives. | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:10:12 PM | Creative Guy:
If you read my posts, I said nothing but positive things about this guy, even defending him to comments I knew were not true.
I am a very easy going person, understanding person. I tried to not put any demands on him during the holidays; but, yes I could have handled things much differently. I could have asked him if, instead of trying to make a date during this hectic time, why not hold off until after the holidays. There are so many better ways I could have handled it in retrospect. Hind site is always 20-20.
Thanks for the advice, it's very sound and helpful. It always helps to get an objective opinion about how to handle it differently next time.
I still prefer face to face or phone communication rather than emails or IM's. The intent can be misintrepreted with IM or email.
Thanks | |
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| Misperception of IM/emails
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:34:26 PM |
The bottom line is I tried to let him know that I lead a very busy life and put other men "on hold" just to concentrate on getting to know him. I basically wanted to communicate in a nice way......hey I am am making time to carve out dates to get to know you;but, it's not happening. He thought I was giving him some sort of an ultimatum.............which was not my intention at all! He perceived it wrong.
Looks like a line that a used car salesman would use to make a sale (although there's no other customers interested in buying).
I wouldn't word it putting other men "on hold" just to get him running, is appropriate. In fact, I agree with him on perceiving it wrong. Should've used more common sense instead of getting stuck on emotional side. What if things were reversed and he mentioned that he's putting women on hold, how would you feel?
Is the other men on hold worth looking into or is this man worth holding on to? It's your decision. If you respect this man and both can relate on being busy or knowing how it feels to get burned, why don't you show a little patience? | |
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