| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:36:04 PM | Okay -- Originally put this in the Ask a Guy, but I think the gals in here might be able to help me out too?
Okay. Summary version. Together eight months, every weekend doing things. Met family, introduces me as girlfriend. Then goes out on a date with some woman he works with. Whoops! Didn't know we were exclusive. Guess we didn't have that are we going steady talk like we're 15. I walk. Then he starts a few months later calling, sending things, misses me, yada, yada, yada. We start to see each other a little bit again. At his house the other night, he takes a phone call and goes upstairs. I overheard and I walked out the back door without him knowing I even left. Now he's trying to cheat with me on somebody else. What gives? No committment, no feelings, no guilt? Why did he try to come back and not just leave me alone and let things be? Help me out here, guys! Thanks a bunch!!!
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:51:39 PM | One thing I've learned about this life is - The lessons I don't 'get' Will and Do repeat themselves, and they usually get more "brutal" each time. Sorta like a math exercise, it'll frustrate the crap out of you 'til you get it. (I think you "get it" .. you just need to put your knowledge to Good use..)
We teach people how to treat us. The choice to "do it again" or not is yours. I hope you have learned what you need of this experience and that it leaves you free for the person you are looking for.
All the best!
A.S.is
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:56:34 PM |
Guess we didn't have that are we going steady talk like we're 15.
Sounds like you just explained the whole problem yourself. The "are we exclusive" talk is for ALL ages, not just teenagers. You can not start dating someone and just assume you are exclusive, which is exactly what you did. You didn't discuss it with him. You assumed you are exclusive, and obviously he doesn't see your relationship like that, and if you had talked to him about it you would have known it.
As far as him cheating, he doesn't feel you two are exclusive, so he's not actually cheating.
Find a new fish. This one's getting stinky.
Why? He's not doing anything wrong. He never told her that he was just going to date her and nobody else, and she didn't tell him that's what she wanted. This guy didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to, just because she made assumptions about their relationship. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:05:54 PM | I think you have already answered your own question and probably don't really need any more help from us. But if it is affirmation you are looking for for your actions - YES GIRL! You did good! The only thing you could have done better is to walk right up those stairs behind him and ask, in your sweetest voice, "honey? Where did you say I could put my clothes??" With just enough sugar and hopefully loud enough for whomever is on the other end to hear you!
Second, if he decides once more that you are stupid enough to even consider seeing him again - SIT HIM DOWN, ASK HIM - "DO I LOOK STUPID TO YOU??" And if he still doesn't get it - tell him to his face what you feel of his 'snake-in-the-grass' behavior. By then, he should get the picture?
Plenty of fish out there for you 
kc | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:05:55 PM | And, per the thread subject, what you need to "understand" is:
1) Since you seem 'exclusive' minded, and he obviously isn't, you probably will *never* understand him.
2) As I said, leopards don't change their spots.
3) If you've had unprotected sex in that 8 months together, or during the next time, understand that an STD test might be a wise idea.
4) Understand that it is up to *you* to decide that for some things, such as cheating, its usually wisest to have a "one strike and you're out" mentality. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:30:58 PM | Female here, putting my vote towards this:
The "are we exclusive" talk is for ALL ages, not just teenagers. You can not start dating someone and just assume you are exclusive, which is exactly what you did. You didn't discuss it with him. You assumed you are exclusive, and obviously he doesn't see your relationship like that, and if you had talked to him about it you would have known it.
Just today I was again reminded... told, actually... to not assume anything. Ask. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:33:26 PM | Sorry, Mod! I won't do it again!
I don't know if the Exclusive talk even needed to be said. He whined about how his wife cheated on him. He knew I would NEVER be with anybody who was out and about and having fun. Won't happen. I never would have cheated on him especially because of what he'd been through and I never thought in a million years he would have either. Trust was one thing I never doubted. I feel kind of stupid. Just don't know how to start going out again and find the trust. Either of us wanted marriage or anything like that at all. We were on the same page. One person to go out with and have fun with. Guess the question is how do I believe the next one? I'm too old to be this stupid! haha! | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:36:36 PM | OP, no one here can answer for him. It's ALL SPECULATION on our part no matter how much anybody here thinks they know it all.
Either ask him; or move on, quit worrying about it, and delete him from your life.
Do you really need us to tell you what your gut already knows? | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:38:13 PM | This is common ground on personal dating sites...
Short term relationships...they don't tell you that of course!
It feels like there is a lot of emotional/physical vampires out there that have no intentions of making a relationship develop.. They go in making you believe that everything is going to be peaches and roses.....but in the background they are looking for a replacement. They get all the goodies and when everything is said and done...they already are in touch with a replacement.
They bait you so it can be easier that way...you can find out that they are scoping members of the opposite sex...act like it's no big deal to disrespect your feelings..
and allow you to make the break...because they have no real feelings for you and it's easier to break it off and being labeled a "jerk" because.......
In the meantime..they have already set up a replacement..emails/calls/meeting behind your back...perhaps already intimate.
After a few of these vampire experiences...kinda sucks.. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:43:50 PM | Feeling like a Push-Me, Pull-Ewe?
People, not just guys, do this because it's a rush to have someone dump you then take you back. If he did it once, he'll probably do it again, and so on. IMO....
1st time, shame on him.... 2nd time, shame on me.... | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:45:03 PM | I am a male who has a boyfriend of four years, who treats her the same way and it does bug her very much, I tell her the same thing I a going to tell you : Leave HIM and go fishing again, his loss your gain. Happy New Year Jimbo aka k-arthur | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 3:49:38 PM | Set the expectations up front verbally. If you're just someone to "go out with and have fun with", then many guys do not see that as a commitment. If it is a commitment to you, make sure you make that clear. If he hadn't gone up stairs to take the phone call, I would even question whether he knew he was doing anything wrong. Subconsciously he knew it was wrong. I still wonder if he knew he was doing anything wrong on a conscious level.
When I talk to people online from PoF, I make it clear that we're both free to date whoever we want until we decide to be exclusive. Talking is for everybody. People don't learn how to read minds, no matter how old they are.
As to whether or not he felt guilt, possibly. However, he liked whatever you gave him and sometimes one feeling overrides another. He will almost definitely call again. I recommend setting him straight this time, and let him know that what he did was unacceptable and that you aren't giving him a third chance. There's better options out there. | |
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| Help me out here -- I really want to understand and not do it again
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:37:42 PM | I have to agree. A cheater will always cheat and trust will always be an issue.
My ex & I broke up at the end of Aug to allow him time to get his head together after many traumatic things in the past year and to buy/build a home. We stayed in touch 3-4 times a week and saw each other occassionally. He 'strung' me along for 2 months leading me to believe we'd be together again shortly. At the end of Oct, he had a major heart attack. At the hospital was a new g/f he'd been seeing since July. While she was there, yet another one of 'his' girls called. He bought a house & moved. G/F & him stayed together but didn't live together. Within 2 wks, he was back on the dating sites looking for yet 'another' girl eventhough he was 'in love' with the g/f. He was caught. Come to find out, infidelity was an issue in his marriage (too bad it was learned after I was with him over a yr). Scary thing is - if it wasn't for the heart attack, 'us girls' would never have known about each other - or possibly not for quite some time. He was the best at 'playing'.
They never change and like the previous poster said---they only change the manner in which they hunt.
Walk away & don't look back! | |
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