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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has      Home login  
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 Georgygirl48
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 1
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Many of the 'widowed' are 'especially' vulnerable on a dating site and feel more comfortable 'initially' responding to a profile
where the other person has stated widowed 'also'

Is it appropriate for someone who
' may' or,,,,' may not',,,,, be aware of this 'vulnerability' to
describe themselves as widowed when in fact
they have been divorced for some years,,,,and,,,
were not sitting home thinking of reconciliation
but had a relationship with another woman
,,,BEFORE ,,,their ex spouse died??

I personally think it is 'misleading '
 Luv Karla
Joined: 9/29/2007
Msg: 2
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 7:27:52 PM
Yes,I don't feel people should lie in their profile,but it happens.

Welcome to then net!
 Georgygirl48
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 3
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 7:37:05 PM
I am wondering why 3 people have voted to delete this thread,,,??
I sincerely would appreciate knowing why??
Perhaps those who vote this way might want to post here and not just
anonomously vote
Perhaps this thread 'is' innapropriate,,,please have the courage to give your opinion
I am open,,,even if I do have my own opinion

Perhaps it would be appropriate if the requirement for voting was not just 'reading'
a thread but posting their opinion ,,,perhaps it's an opinion that I can learn from

Remember,,,the issue is NOT,,, being 'divorced' vs being 'widowed'
the issue is NOT,,, is it right for 'widowed' to INITIALLY
feel more comfortable with those who share their 'status'
It's about ,,,,,a 'definition' of the 'widowed' status
 The Belly
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 4
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 7:51:31 PM
This is a valid issue I'm sure. Yet the need for a thread? Not so sure..

Close to home? Not at all, I buried her in another state!!!!! If not I'd still be able to hear her complain!

Does that make you feel any better about me voting to delete since I told you why?

~Belly~

Is lying about your age in a profile the same ?
 LMK45
Joined: 3/27/2007
Msg: 5
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 7:51:34 PM
My humble opinion is that folks who say they are 'widowed' AFTER a divorce are liars. They are divorced people who's ex-spouse has since died. That lie would be a deal-breaker for me. Blech.
 Georgygirl48
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 6
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 7:59:55 PM
TB,,,yes thankyou,,,I do feel better
I 'did' have hesitation about posting this thread
It 'might' have been a mistake
I will actually be a little releived if it 'is' deleted
I don't 'usually' introduce 'negativity',,,,but,,,I did,,,soooo

I have trouble labelling people liars altho I do appreciate the next post
If I could think that way I wouldn't have started this thread
I do however realize it's important to be in touch with reality and 'label'
dishonest behavior
Since I am not sure whether stating you are 'widowed'
within the context I've given here,,,'is' dishonest behavior,,I started this thread for feedback
Yes I have an opinion but I could be wrong,,,,maybe???,,,

 florina
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 7
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:08:57 PM
I believe the only people that have a right to use the word widowed or widower are the people whose spouses have died while they were still married and living as husband and wife. I am a widow of just over 3 years and it bothers me the number of young guys that contact me thinking 1.) that I must be desperate for sex or 2.) I have money and can look after them. It would be nice to find a widower on this site, we would at least start out with that connection.
 Georgygirl48
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 8
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:14:42 PM
Florina,,,,there are people like this and one protection that someone new on this site who hasn't yet learned to set boundaries and be careful has is
,confining their 'initial' contacts to the 'widowed'
It's not foolproof tho
I really don't know how many 'innapropriate' responses I would have gotton if I hadn't been widowed
I finally decided to state my age as 96 so I wouldn't show up in the searches
The good neWs is I found the FORUMS

When you've had a committed relationship one is still in the 'one on one'
context and not used to the 'screening' process that we all know is so important online
 naeco
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 9
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:16:10 PM
If you're divorced, you aren't a widow. Period. And ex is exactly that - an ex.
 corsetsme
Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 10
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:21:42 PM
My question is...how many of you have buried someone >>.sometimes a person is divorced by law but in their hearts they stlll feel very married to the one who died...some of us may have married for life...though the spouse may have only married until someone else came along......
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 11
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:23:50 PM

If you're divorced, you aren't a widow. Period. And ex is exactly that - an ex.


Since I was married for 25 years, I can draw my ex husband's social security. If he dies, I can draw a "widow's" benefit.

I would not ever put "widow" on my profile unless I was currently married to the man who died, but apparently, it is good enough for the government.

OP, geez, calm down; if people voted to delete your thread, it wasn't personal.
 LMK45
Joined: 3/27/2007
Msg: 12
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:24:52 PM
Florina, thank you.

I'm sure neither of us are looking for sympathy at this point, but it just seems SO wrong for someone to pretend they were widows or widowers when they didn't go through losing someone WHILE they were married (instead of divorced and 'gone/absent').

Sorta similar to phony vets who never served a day in the military. Both are creepy to me.
 Georgygirl48
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 13
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:25:52 PM
Corsetme,,,,very good point
I can see this happening
It takes two to get married
It only takes one person to initiate a divorce
Soooo,,,,does a person who admits to not having wanted reconciliation,,,and
since the divorce been involved with 'another' person,,,fall in this category ??

Lj,,,you've made a good point in reference to the 'pre' death experience
Some 'divorced' people who 'havn't' moved on and still have their 'bonding' with the ex
'do' share that sad and challenging time,,,,
I'm thinking they are in the minority tho

But if a divorced person had little or no contact with the 'ex' while they were dying,,,,hmmmmm,,,,that would be very 'defining' for me re their 'right' to claim the 'widowed' status
On the other hand,,,perhaps they would have shared this 'before' death experience
and been supportive,,,,but certain circumstances prevented it

Gwen,,,I was curious as to **why** some voted this way
If I was convinced my opinion was correct I wouldn't have started the thread
But I hear ya,,,,ok ,,I'll remember to breathe deep if I do get upset
 MeloFelo
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 14
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:39:49 PM
OP, people may be calling themselves "widowed" for religious reasons, or concerns about the religious attitudes of others. In the eyes of the Catholic Church, for one, one is "married", regardless of whether legally divorced or not, until the death of the spouse. So, for people from a background of Catholicism, or fundamental beliefs regarding marriage being "til death you part", I can understand why they might put "widowed", rather than divorced in such circumstances. It would be theologically accurate and truthful.
 florina
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 15
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:45:16 PM
maybe morally but not legally, and I think we are talking about legally being widowed. I belong to a group here in my town called the POW'S (pissed off widows), there are 6 of us and we didn't know each other but we had all used the same funeral home. The funeral director (a woman) called us individually and asked us if we would like to meet each other. Our husbands had all died within 5 months of each other and they all died suddenly, none of us had a chance to say goodbye and we were around the same ages. We all have children around the same ages. At 52 I was the oldest widow in the group. We met every Monday night with a grief councellor (the funeral director paid for) for 16 weeks and we decided that we would continue on our own. 3 years later we still get together and talk and laugh. One of the widows just got married in October and we had to "kick her out" of the club. She asked if she could stay because POW could stand for pissed off wife!! LOL We have come a long way in our group, but the next time we get together I will ask them the question about who can use the word widow.
 Georgygirl48
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 16
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 9:03:49 PM
MeloFelo,,,hmmmm,,,another good point
But of course to fall within the category you described would entail the person
who was 'still' married in the eyes of the church,,,,'acting' like they were still married

In other words,,,celibate,,,and being there for their ex spouse in a supportive way
Catholics who INITIATE the 'legal' process of 'divorce' usually do it for another reason

BUT,,,on the other hand,,,,as I said before,,,it only takes 'one' person wanting the divorce unlike marriage that requires 'two' in agreement

My heart goes out to those who are divorced and were willing to stay in the marriage as long as it wasn't an abusive situation

Florina,,,,lol,,,,good for you girl,,,,what a good idea,,,,you are fortunate to have connected to such a group
It must have been a good group of gals otherwise the widow who remarried wouldn't have wanted to keep connection
I 'am' sorry that so many women went thru this within a short space of time




,,,I just hope that it wasn't a 'small' town
but the fact that you had a
'unique' support group come out of this sad situation is so good

ESAD,,,I'm unable to post after you because of site restrictions so I'm adding this comment to 'this post'
???It might be possible that you have MISUNDERSTOOD' the nature of this thread???
It happens,,,I certainly don't understand your post at all,,,but I wish you all the best
if you have found someone,,,,
 esad
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 9:03:50 PM
Gee ...let me think . I have met the love of my
life, and she and i disagree what constitutes
a “widow”. Yeah, you are right.
I would be forced to dump the b!tch.
 LMK45
Joined: 3/27/2007
Msg: 18
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 9:16:39 PM
Aw, heck, I only know what I know. I was a widow at 45 ... wish I had been in a group like Florina's after that. The ONLY good thing about the cancer he had was that there was time to reminisce, have a few more wonderful times, and be able to say goodbye.

Florina, sorry to hear your group went through sudden deaths. Sounds much harder emotionally, but who the heck knows.
 MeloFelo
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 19
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 10:19:21 PM

MeloFelo,,,hmmmm,,,another good point
But of course to fall within the category you described would entail the person
who was 'still' married in the eyes of the church,,,,'acting' like they were still married

In other words,,,celibate,,,


Actually, not necessarily. While not a Catholic, I've had my own internal moral struggles with being divorced. In one sense, because I paid alimony for 4 years, and am still paying child support, I continued to support my ex for some time, and would still feel responsible to do something, should a crisis befall her. That doesn't mean that I feel that I'm humanly capable of celibacy, or that I wouldn't marry, were the situation such that it felt like the right thing to do. There is, however, some twinges of conscience to deal with, that, were my ex to have died, wouldn't be there.

It's unlikely that my ex will pass away, during a time that I'm actively dating. She's 5 years younger, and in good health. I don't "wish" for it. My daughters love their mom, and I want her to be part of their lives, for many years to come. It would be "different", though, if something were to happen to her. I probably wouldn't change my status to "widowed", but I can see why some would, and I'd find no fault in that.

The ones I DO find fault with, are those who list themselves as "divorced" , when merely separated. No matter for how long, separated is still married. Legally, there is no distinction between "divorced" and "widowed", in any practical sense.

My only point originally was that it probably wouldn't occur to someone that it's "deception" to say "widowed", if their former spouse has died. I would think that, in most cases, the reason would most likely be in reference to religious upbringing.
 Pink Rose Lady
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 20
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/2/2008 10:38:45 PM
Under Canadian law, when people finalize their divorce, it is as though they were never married, and neither party can make a claim against the other's estate or personal property if one dies after the fact. The same does not apply to a married couple when one person dies, so the above statement in inaccurate: Quote from Msg. 19 - 'Legally, there is no distinction between "divorced" and "widowed", in any practical sense'. The law says otherwise.

When handling the estates of several deceased family members, this is the advice I received from my lawyer. So, yes there is a clear distinction regarding the status of a divorced person whose former spouse has died, they cannot rightfully claim to be widows, or widowers.

Pink
 Next Time Round
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 21
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/3/2008 7:37:37 AM
My profile says I am divorced which is legally and honestly true. He is also deceased which I mention in the forums a fair bit.

But just because we were divorced it did not mean there were no legal items to deal with. The Canada Pension people still wanted to talk to me about survivors benefits and income splitting that may have applied during the period we were married.

I signed off on any rights to anything financial and gave it to my eldest son so that he could use it to further his education.

His family was exceedingly worried (whether legally justifiable or not) that there may have been some way I could come back and collect anything at all. We'd never actually turned against one another and when he was sick I had him visit me for a week here in Toronto.

So maybe there was something in his will that I didn't know about. I didn't want to know about it. In a 'nice & polite' way I swore out a document that effectively told them to shove any entitlements up their asses. It just irked me that their minds would be fast forwarding to stuff like this so soon after he passed.
 Drkeyedbeauty
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/3/2008 7:50:20 AM
Personally I think this is a little nit picky. Who cares if someone has claimed themselves a widow but are divorced? We have no idea how close two people have stayed after their divorce. It is still a loss for them and in some cases, these two people have spent many years married to each other. I wouldn't call it a deal breaker or call them liars. How is this misleading to you? It's a personal and private call not one that needs to be up for discussion in a dating forum.
 happyrebel
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:27:57 AM
I agree with the other widows on here. A person is ONLY truely a widow/widower if they were married and living as husband/wife at the time of the death.

Having been a widow since I was 41, I think its wrong to claim otherwise. How can you be a widow if you're divorced? Maybe in your heart you can be, but that's about it.

For drkeyedbeauty: Its misleading because one assumes they were married when the other died. When this is the case and the grieving is done, there's a lot LESS emotional baggage then there are with most divorces. When someone dies, the married partner knows that the person did NOT leave by choice or because things turned bad. There was no cheating, no lying, etc. This is not true during a divorce.

What if a widow/widower only wanted to meet people that have been through the same type of ordeal they have? I can assure you, that those that have lost a spouse will NOT consider someone who's ex has died as being in the 'same boat'.

It comes down to honesty. If someone would lie because of their widow status, they'd more likely lie about about things too.

HR
 MzFirefly
Joined: 11/28/2007
Msg: 24
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:31:57 AM
^^^Florina or Anyone for that matter...So if a Person is separated..and Not living together ..but is still married..if one of the spouse's should pass on they cannot claim "Widowed"??..I mean apparently one is still Married even though Not living together.....Only Asking!

I do agree if your divorced and your x's passes on ..No don't claim widowed after all your single if your divorced.
 firstlight
Joined: 8/30/2005
Msg: 25
Divorced people stating they are 'widowed'because their ex spouse has died,
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:45:48 AM
If you were still legally married and simply separated at the time of your spouse's death then technically/ legally you are widowed. As long as a divorce was never finalized then there was still a chance of reconciliation; isn't that why we avoid "separated" people?

How you view your status is all that really matters. If you feel you have lost your spouse due to death, though you were separated, you may claim widowed. If in your heart you had already divorced your spouse, though not on paper, perhaps playing the widow card is deceiving, but what is the alternative?

Single?...implies never married.
Divorced...but that's not true (don't want to lie on your profile, now do ya?)
I can see the dilemma.

If you were already divorced at the time of their death...no brainer.
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