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| | What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: KinkynessPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | I am a kinky man. I have no qualms about it. No shame. I am "out" to most people in my life. My profile here is honest about that. 
While my kinks are not the most important part of my life and not the most important component of my relationships, they ARE important enough for me to know that any relationship that does not involved similar/complimentary kinks with my partner is doomed. I will get bored.  I will start to look else where to feed my desires.
Love is not enough. Love does not conquer all. If it did, there would be no need for Marriage Councilors. It takes work and compromise, and more work to make any relationship really work. There has to be some commonality in thoughts and beliefs and recreation and in what satisfies us sexually.
Through trial and error I have found that, for me, there is no putting the cat back in the bag. Never again will I be satisfied in a totally "vanilla" relationship. So I make my proclivities know here.
You might ask, if I have such kinky proclivities, why do I bother to have a profile up here at Plenty Offish, which seems like a pretty "vanilla" dating site?
The reason is...numbers. I am trying to fish in a bigger pond.
Studies show that, at least 10 percent of the population practices some form of kinky activities in their relationships or sex lives. Most are closeted about it. A very small percentage of those kinky people belong to kinky dating sites. Some because they are in a long term relationship and have no need to find partners. Others because they just don't know those sites exist. Kinky dating sites are a very small pond to find a good match in. So, if 10 percent of the population is kinky, then it figures that 10 percent of the women on this site are also kinky. Or at least, thinking about it, or curious.
I personally know of 4 people on this site, who are part of the same kink community that I am. Yet, only 1 of our profiles (mine) is even partially honest about this interest. I have also witnessed many forum posts by people mentioning certain kinds of kinks, but again, their profiles show no hint of it. I know they may just be trying to be funny, or sexy, or sassy in the post.
Or, are they?
Why is that?
Am I wrong to think that, by not revealing themselves honestly, any connection they make here is doomed?
Can you be satisfied in a relationship and suppress your kinky desires? At what cost?
Wouldn't some mention in your profile be a useful and positive way to attract a good match?
Do you think that by omitting this interest/proclivity hampers your chance of find a good match here?
How open are you, on this site about your non-traditional desires?
How open and honest are you about your non-traditional desires with someone you have met on POF? First date? 5th date? 2 years into the relationship? | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 2:47:39 PM | Ok, since my profile doesnt admit to it, I will admit to it here, I am kinky. The reason I dont put it on my profile is because eventhough I am kinky I want a LTR and I feel that if I put it on my profile I will only attract people looking for sex. i have tried various ways to express such thoughts, and that always seems to be the end result. Plus along with your general line of questioning, I think it is important to remember there are different levels of kink, and what one person considers kinky may not be for another person, or for someone else may not be something they have ever experienced or even know of being available, ok maybe that is a stretch, but you get my point. Another thing with the no kink in profiles, is that a lot of people are shy, which is why a lot of us are on a dating site, it is easier to communicate via computer than in person. I am also shy to a degree, and if I put a bunch of kinky stuff in my profile, no one is gonna believe I am shy.
Another thing, while your profile mentions kinky, and there is a hint of domination, you dont get real specific with what type of kink you are looking for, and I am not sure you can, but someone might misread that as perverted humor instead of honesty. Remember for some people who have never experienced real kinky stuff, all that sensuality and deepeset erotic desires, might translate into long making love sessions, and not the stuff you are referring to. | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:09:38 PM |
yeah..for some kinky is having sex with the lights on.
For others it is having sex with the light bulb.
This is now my favorite post of the day! :) Thanks for the laugh!
I don't think I'm kinky enough to need to share what turns me on in my profile. But...I think that probably I'd communicate enough of my sexual turn ons and offs before doing the act w/someone new, so we'd know if we were thinking along the same lines. I've done that in the past with a good bit of success.
Good luck finding someone who matches what you are looking for! There are indeed a lot of fish here!
Kaylie  | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:16:16 PM | by not revealing themselves honestly is connection they make here is doomed?
Possibly not.
I made my vanilla marriage last 15 years.
But it's one of my biggest regrets in life now.
Can you be satisfied in a relationship and suppress your kinky desires?
Probably not.
Wouldn't some mention in your profile be a useful and positive way to attract a good match?
I've been contacted by... perhaps 15 women who had a curiosity.
All of their profiles were "normal".
How open are you, on this site about your non-traditional desires?
Totally.
I learned my lesson the hard way.
I'm here because alt.com was too hard-core, too much about sex.
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:21:41 PM | Op,
I have no interest revealing such info for the world to know...
But here is my criteria:
* once i find what im looking for (connection wise, spiritual, physical, mental emotional) the next step and as important one is to discuss sexuallity....
I need that connection as well otherwise there is not going to be a relationship developing...
As for the reason as to why not post it on the profile--- I would get a good chunk of male population 'SEEING ONLY' that ... and nothing more... hence wrong type of men would tend to focus on this ...and of course i would get extremely frusturated...
I want a holistic connection-- i dont want a booty call.. | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:27:17 PM | MY kinky may be your Standard OP. ( and visa versa). The Forums here have
reminded me of this over and over. Oral Sex is not an issue to even consider discussing
to me. Sex involves Oral Sex. BUT many here on many threads react like it is very very
1) kinky 2) disgusting 3) undesirable.
OP, you have the advantage of living in North Hollywood, California. I know friends
who live in the S&M, B&D, Leather etc communities here in the MidWaste who fear
being discovered and losing employment, stigmatizing neighbors, alienating Family...
all of that fun stuff. POF is very public. Post a picture and claim a love for a specific Kink
and you take a risk of all of those things.
There is also the idea / premise that MY desires may not match up with a partners
experience. Do i care to scare off potential partners due to preconceived notions ?
Or would i be better served by making my desires known in person when i could
also listen to my partners interests. Compromise and an exchange of ideas and desires
is part of getting to know someone, yes ?
On POF i learned that the phrase “ open minded” meant to many, “ Guy who wants kinky sex”.
Wow ! I had no idea. I may disagree, but if enough folks start to think apples are a cut of beef,
i am going to be very careful when ordering pie.
by not revealing themselves honestly, any connection they make here is doomed?
NO! This is a way to meet people. I am not giving anyone here my complete “story”.
I had back surgery 20 years ago. Because of this i can not ride a horse or a motorcycle.
Do i have to mention that in my profile ? Mentioning it to a potential partner is fine.
Telling the world is not only not needed but would lead to very long and boring profiles here.
How open are you, on this site about your non-traditional desires?
Hell, i don’t even know what that means any more.
Good Luck with your hunt OP. Whatever you desire will not offend me.
But what the Hell do i know, i used to consider myself to be someone
who had an “open mind”. | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:27:30 PM |
hence wrong type of men would tend to focus on this ...and of course i would get extremely frusturated
I fail to see how it would attract more "wrong men" than saying nothing.
Have you actually tested the difference?
It's fascinating to me that so many women would initially filter men over something like a white lie (the "separated" vs "divorced" thread) but wouldn't bother to reveal anything as fundamental as sex until the "spiritual, physical, mental emotional" connection is established.
You've already gone to the work to do the hardest parts but leave a 90% chance it won't matter anyway because of sexual differences?
This makes absolutely no sense. | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:32:06 PM | broward...
this connection that i spoke of in above comment can be established within first couple of emails... sometimes you are just able to klick with certain individuals...
As for have i tested it... lol... just by having my pics up i had 10 times more mail asking me for hook up... or such....
I want a respectfull approach a gentleman someone who has depth... who is intellectual and is able to stimulate me on those levels first and foremost...
I want quality... once I recongnize it... then im an open book... | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:48:21 PM |
That's part of being in a relationship, asking for your fantasies in a safe environment.
Ok then, so, you are in a "safe" environment (I read as a relationship) and you reveal a fantasy or desire, and they freak out and run for the hills screaming you freak, you freak.
Then what?
You invested all that time and now, either the relationship is over, or you have to cover by saying it was a joke or something, and go on with the relationship knowing you can never reveal your fantasies again.
Wouldn't it have been better to have shared that fantasy up front? Maybe not in your profile here, but, very early on? | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:55:04 PM | "Ok then, so, you are in a "safe" environment (I read as a relationship) and you reveal a fantasy or desire, and they freak out and run for the hills screaming you freak, you freak. "
Op, I understand where you are coming from to say this but also kind of know what the author meant as well... You need to establish a connection of an importance.. before screaming out to everyone that you want to get bent over and done like a little girl or waiting before you get into that serious label of "relationship"...lol.. sorry i know i might have went to far... but just wanted to emphasize the importance of connection...
i believe that all is discussed and comes out prior to starting a relationship... Its all in the communication... | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 4:57:03 PM | Interesting thread.
The OP is here on a mainstream site declaring his kinks because he wants to fish a bigger pond and has figured out that 10% of Millions is much bigger than 100% of Thousands.
I suspect he's not the first person to run the numbers...if memory serves, there's a whole chapter devoted to the topic of finding the elusive submissive in "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren...though I'm not sure how a perfectly ordinary man such as myself would know that; I must have read it in some European airline's inflight magazine...
How about I turn your question around so it can be viewed from another perspective...
What do you disclose? And why disclose it?
You see, I think part of what makes a romance... a romance... is the process of discovery.
Lots of budding romances fail...heck, I would think most budding romances fail, kinky or unkinky.
Does disclosing "everything" on a web page reduce the possibility of a fresh romance failing by only attracting those who are similarly outwardly open? (probably not)
Does disclosing "everything" also prevent untold numbers of romances from even starting in the first place? (I would say yes...some are scared away by being too frank about your accordian playing, to use an example from a dating site TV commercial)
I say there's more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak.
And kismet often happens in the unlikliest of ways.
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:05:22 PM |
once i find what im looking for (connection wise, spiritual, physical, mental emotional) the next step and as important one is to discuss sexuallity....
I have to ask, once you found someone who fulfilled the 5 components you listed, how often did the 6th not fit?
For me, I have found that sexuality is defined by the spiritual, physical, mental and emotional makeup of a person. But I have had the experience of meeting someone who fit all the criteria and did not match on a sexual level.
To be clear, I am not trying to talk anyone into anything here, or tell you how to do your profiles. I am struggling with the question of how to best attract a mate, when you have specific and seemingly out-of-the-norm desires.
Also, if you have any suggestions about my profile, please email me off-list.
PS...
I want a holistic connection-- i dont want a booty call..
Me too. holistic. WHOLEistic. I keep searching for "her". But while I search, a booty call or 2 might not be sich a bad thing  | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:06:41 PM | i believe that all is discussed and comes out prior to starting a relationship... Its all in the communication...
It's not my experience that you can establish a "spiritual and emotional" connection after a few emails. I met my ex-wife online in 1991 and I had your viewpoint back then. I think it's more likely that your age group has different attitudes which *seems* like better communication on some issues.
The OP and I may have similar experiences because of our age.
I had a girlfriend that freaked out.
And it was bad enough that the kink bothered me, never mind her.
So for almost all of thirty years I kept it pretty well hidden.
My ex-wife finally assumed I was gay and we lived like that for years.
some are scared away by being too frank
I consider that a good thing these days.
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:15:27 PM | "Me too. holistic. WHOLEistic. I keep searching for "her". But while I search, a booty call or 2 might not be sich a bad thing "
You'd be very very wrong... tried this route ... when you are searching for quality to settle for egh.. whatever... leaves you feel just more empty, shallow, and more disapointed ....
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:15:41 PM | The internet is an interesting tool. With it, you can search any number of databases for nearly anything you want. But then, so can everyone else, including the Sunday School class you teach. Or your boss, or your kid's teacher.
Cutting out the crap and getting to the point can be a good thing - why waste time dealing with "getting to know" someone only to have them flip out when you mention something that is outside their comfort zone.
On the other hand, I posted a VERY tame comment on another site - simply mentioning a large appetite, and was absolutely deluged by every idiot with a second head on the site. It's a thin line - and kinky wild women can look very tame in public.
Just my .02 | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:24:50 PM | Mister Mann, thank you for your post.
there's a whole chapter devoted to the topic of finding the elusive submissive in "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren
I have that book laying around somewhere. I should probably read that chapter again.
How about I turn your question around so it can be viewed from another perspective...You see, I think part of what makes a romance... a romance... is the process of discovery.
Ok, I agree, a romance is a process of discovery, and I love that process. Despite what my seem obvious to some, I am a very romantic and sensitive man.
Does disclosing "everything" on a web page reduce the possibility of a fresh romance failing by only attracting those who are similarly outwardly open? (probably not)
Does disclosing "everything" also prevent untold numbers of romances from even starting in the first place? (I would say yes...some are scared away by being too frank about your accordian playing, to use an example from a dating site TV commercial)
On a kinky dating site, I reveal a lot, but have recently figured out that, disclosing too much does keep potential good matches away. Kink sites tend to have checklists of interests, and I used to have mine fully filled out. Now, I have removed it.
I believe now that, it is better to just be general about kinky specifics, and focus more on the emotional and spiritual and compatibility issues. If those match, and there is enough awareness of the kinks, the kinks can be worked out later, and will probably be just fine.
The kinky relationships I have had that failed, did not fail because of the kinks, they failed because we were not a good match on too many of the "vanilla" issues. Any good kinky relationship is %90 vanilla.
OP, you like declaring your kinks, and that's cool...plus you'll get lots of moist emails this way.
Lol. Not so far  | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:28:19 PM |
when you are searching for quality to settle for egh.. whatever... leaves you feel just more empty, shallow, and more disapointed ....
I know this all to well.
But, sometimes a booty call can turn into something much more valuable. | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:30:23 PM | i wont disagree but im not willing to booty call around for times and times in order to find that special someone... the pain of disapointement is way too much for me...
I'd rather stick to my toys... | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:30:51 PM | | I don't know if I'm hiding anything particularly just to hide it. I don't mention some things because I don't think I can list everything I'm interested in. If I start a one on one conversation I'm very open about the types of things that turn me on and the types of things I'd be interested or willing to try. Also, I no longer know what kink is sometimes as I have friends that range from very vanilla to very kinky. I'm somewhere in that spectrum. How you would define me depends on where you are on that spectrum. I would say I'm just open to try all kinds of things and see what I like with what person. Add to all of that the fact that I'm polyamorous and if I tried to put it all in my profile, I'd end up spending all my time explaining what I meant by each thing. I prefer to do that one on one. | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:37:04 PM | I believe now that, it is better to just be general about kinky specifics, and focus more on the emotional and spiritual and compatibility issues.
Interesting.
I discovered the same thing.
Filling out that checklist had a flipping fast-food order feel to it.
It just seems wrong.
I met a woman off alt.com who really gave me pause.
She asked me a bunch of hard questions I'd never thought about.
And she, like, stormed out of the meeting because I couldn't answer.
I thought about those questions, on and off, for months.
And pretty reached the same conclusion - it's 90% vanilla / 10% kink.
That's why my profile has generic wording. | |
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| What are you hiding? And why hide it? IE: Kinkyness
Posted: 1/3/2008 5:54:31 PM | Hi OP,
I think your profile is quite clear, not overtly sexual, and if were sub I'd probably find it attractive. I also like the pics of you- love the clothes you're wearing, very cool! I think that fashion says a lot about you, too. I'd say that you did a good job of balancing- it doesn't come across like you're only looking for sex, and I also think that vanilla girls would be a bit scared off by it...which is what you want, yes? I think you succeeded in what you were trying to do. Anyone interested would have to mail you to get more info, and no one would be scared off by a "laundry list" of kinks.
As for MY profile- no....nowhere at all does it mention I'm a bisexual dominant female who would like to meet a cross-dressing sub male who likes spankings. :) But that's because this site is just NOT a site where I think those types of people would be hanging out. I used alt.com, etc, for that sort of thing. For here, I don't even expect to meet anyone at all....I have a profile because it's free, the forums are fun, and that's pretty much it! I don't expect to meet anyone kinky on a predominately vanilla website. I'm mostly looking for friends, clubbing friends, or drinking buddies, etc on here. They don't need to know anything about my sex life, though once they got to know me, no doubt they'd figure it out. LOL!!
Actually, I am open and honest about myself from the first or second date, depending on where I met the person. I don't want to scare away anyone who isn't into my fetishes, but neither am I going to hide them. Now, I'm dating a guy who is pretty vanilla, but by the second date he knew all about my kinks. I told him I didn't expect him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with, but I made it clear that to be with me, he would have to accept the way I am. And, he's GGG- he lets me spank him, and I dressed him up a couple of times, which was fun...but admittedly, I'm not completely satisfied with him. For now, I'm happy enough...but I am not sure as of yet if I will start feeling restless and need more....but my guess is, 3 more months, then it'll be back to square one again. Oh well..... | |
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