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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:12:40 AM | If the Girl you marriedstarted straight after marriage to put on the pounds, which then became stones, so that you felt that not only was it bad for health resons, but a certain part of your attraction towards her was made up in the appreciation of her sexy hour glass figure, do you think that this is a legitimate complaint, of should you feel that you married her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health?
Is it legitimate to have a preference for slim women, and to avoid a relationship with someone who is frankly fat? Someone who immediately "Let's themselves go" once the man was caught, is she risking her new found husband eyes straying to the slim specimens, who may well catch his eye in the sorkplace? | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:20:55 AM | If I marry a girl, then I'll be into HER - her body is almost incidental...
I would hope that I'd be supportive, try to find out if there was a problem, but at the end of the day if she *wanted* to put on weight it's not something I'd leave her for.
Martin | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:24:38 AM | Just imagine the picture - here is your dream lover, and each time you look at her she is simply guzzling? - The constant chewing, unwrapping, and purchasing those cream buns, that extra helping of cow pie, then there are those midnight absenses, when she goes missing in order to indulge in a supplementary booster feed.
A tactful suggestion is greeted with - "You don't own me - this ring isn't around my bloody neck you know!!" - Is she right? | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:37:24 AM | I think attitude and the whole emotional side of it is far more significant than people realise.
If you know full well that your partner finds you attractive as you are and then you make the choice to dramatically change then you know full well that their feelings of attraction towards you may change and you have just demonstrated what you care about by the choice that you made.
If I choose to distort my body in a way that I know will make me less attractive to my partner (e.g. by overeating) what am I saying? I am saying that his feelings of attraction towards me are less important than whatever feeling it is that is motivating me to get fat. It's like hitting out at someone because you are hurt -- possibly a natural thing to do, but hardly constructive, rational or mature and whilst one may behave irrationally or immaturely in the heat of the moment, I think that over the longer term where there is definite space for reflection, surely we can do better than this, if our partners give us the opportunity. Now if they don't care or don't understand what we are going through, then taking away their toys in an act of revenge is more understandable, but still not exactly constructive.
I don't like tattoos very much, or piercings,or men with long hair. My partner could potentially go out get himself pierced, tattooed and grow his hair. It wouldn't be a huge big deal for me, I could get used to it, but the underlying message of such an action would seem to be that he doesn't really care whether I find him attractive or not, and that in fact he derives some pleasure out of intentionally making himself unattractive to me. The same applies for people deliberately allowing themselves to get fat, when they have previously been able to maintain a lower weight.
The point I am trying to make is that it's not the change in appearance that is the big deal, but the attitude that lies underneath the appearance change.
When illness comes into it, it is a whole different ball game. I have a (currently mysterious) thyroid problem. People with thyroid problems tend to put on weight so in the future it may be impossible for me to remain slim, no matter what I do, within healthy boundaries. We all face this kind of possibility. However, unless you are involved with someone terribly superficial, I feel sure that the difference between choosing to gain weight and not caring how they feel about that, and being forced to gain weight and trying not to let it happen are two very different things. One person cares about their partner's feelings and the other does not and I feel that after time, especially, it is the connection and level of care that sustains a loving relationship, not the superficial things that are visible to onlookers. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:43:58 AM | | May I suggest that in discussing this issue that we be mindful of the fact that maintaining a height and weight proportionate body is considered to be healthy, and is not simply a visual preference for us 'superficial' men. As surely as you would require your potential mate to demonstrate a healthy mentality (i.e. not s******* in her purse, for example), healthy physicality and spirituality complete the triumverate of desirable qualities in a long term partner. If for some medical reason changes occur, then one could be expected to accomodate, but in general I would not be open to the idea of being with someone who doesn't share my desire to maintain a healthy body, mind and soul. As someone pointed out, demonstrating to your partner your disregard for their preferences is legitimate cause for concern. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:49:25 AM | loveawaits, I agree, that is a troubling response, but what troubles me more is this...that he'd consider cheating---something so darn painful, damaging, and lasting--just because she's bigger than she used to be. That's some commitment there! Did their vows come with some type of contract that they must both stay exactly the same as they were the day they married? A pre nup? Anything?!?
While he has grounds to be concerned and maybe even angry, the flip side to his reaction to it is that her reaction most likely is this "he should love me as I am". And while she is correct, that doesn't really solve anything. I suggest he stop thinking in terms of "right/wrong", and think in terms of effective/ineffective, as it seems she has other issues that need addressing and his comments about her weight and eating habits are clearly ineffective, as it's only making her defensive. It will likely become a vicious circle, because the perceived attacks on her appearance will likely cause to to eat "emotionally" even more.
I don't know how much discussion has taken place already, but if I were him, I'd have one more talk with her that is supportive and positive, and that also reassures her that she is loved and "safe". Offer her medical support, (a nutritionist) emotional support, physical support (going through the necessary changes WITH her; exercise, etc.) and I would simply stop approaching this with a negative view that places her in defensive mode. Won't help a bit.
Lastly, if he knows he's gonna stray any damned way, at least end the marriage first. And be man enough to say that it's because of her weight gain. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 3:52:42 AM | someone who is frankly fat? that just wouldn't work because I wouldn't be attracted to them in a way a man and woman are attracted to each other.
someone who is a little overweight is not the same as someone who is frankly "FAT"... that would be like asking me to overlook someone being "ugly"... that is something you just can't do. I like someone who isn't fat, or too skinny, someone who is a healthy weight. imagine that.......
so yes, someone frankly fat would have a great influence, I wouldnt be attracted in the first place. If she gained 50 or more pounds while we were together, it would cause me to not be attracted to her anymore and I would have to go bye bye. this is just life. all the BBW's on their bandwagon can protest but in real life, most men don't want to be with a women who is "fat". | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 4:58:00 AM | Kupcakes is right as being slim for many men is regarded as being attractive??
How many fat pin up ladies do we see? - Neither do the womens magazines let along those bare breasted 'page 3' models display fat women - so that it is my contention that while we all accept that too much emphasis can lead to anorexia, which obviously I am not advocating - we have to assept like it of not we live in a world dominated by a female conception of physical beauty, where the pot belly is excluded.
As for the Husband straying, a disappointed husband, someone felt he has been treated without consideration, may well take an almost subconscious 'revenge' by taking up with the more picturesque replacement. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:03:59 AM | | They do make locks and latches which can be fitted to pantry doors. They do make treadmills for home use, and lockable collars, and chain and rope can be bought by the foot. They have for sale shock collars, cattle prods and pepper spray. An even slightly inventive husband ought to be able to dissuade his bride from becoming more to love. But since this topic is all about the symbolism of unconditional love being a condition of love, perhaps the sly slender fox husband would get behind the wind and help her towards the last fatal calorie, buying her treats in bulk at wholesale prices, expanding meal times and snack times into hour long events, and waking her periodically during the night to avoid even nocturnal fasting. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:06:47 AM | loveawits, please listen to this... fat pinup girls, granny love, hairy girls are all fetish for the curious mostly... not like any guy is going to go out and seek someone fat or hairy to be with.
Focus on losing weight if your weight is an issue than trying to justify fat as beautiful, it will be time better spent, easier and make a nicer life for you. It is not about pleasing a man, but being the best and most attractive you can be... for you.
that men like it, admire it, seek it out ( attractive women who are a healthy weight) is just a benefit.
Nobody says you have to be rail thin or anorexic... that is BBW mentality trying to justify fatness as desirable.
as far as men straying, men love a beautiful woman with a nice figure, this does not mean a perfect figure but a nice one that is healthy on a woman who is actually attractive and mentally stable.
go for balance and health and the inner and outer beauty will come naturally. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:14:19 AM | Two of my exes gave up on their weight once they figured they "had me".
Problem was that their bad habits became mine and I put on unhealthy weight too.
One of them I managed to trim down (despite loud protests) by only cooking set amounts for dinner. The other didn't care at all.
It mattered to me.
I don't want someone encouraging me to lay around watching movies and dipping Doritos in cheese all day. Doesn't fit what I want of my life.
So yes, OP, it does influence relationships. I am looking now for someone that is more active than I am because I am looking to be inspired, not do the inspiring. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:20:29 AM | It's a scary thought but there's a lot of people that think they can let themselves go once they get into it, it's like putting the bait away once you catch the fish, cept in this case a lot of the times the fish ends up jumpin back into the water.
There's the ravages of time, can't help that, there's child bearing weight, any man that gets mad at that is a dink, but when it gets down to it if a woman or man just decides that now you're married/in a serious relationship it's time to let yourself go... and I mean really let yourself go, I'm not talkin like 15 pounds here, yeah at the very least you have the right to say "get off the couch."
Unfortunately you still gotta be attractive to your spouse and you still got to be active enough to do the activities you enjoyed doing during dating or else the relationship is gonna run into some severe friction. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:27:11 AM | | Oh my Americans and our love affair with food...much is said about our oil addiction and other societal flaws but if one looks around them in any public place our greatest addiction is obvious. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:29:25 AM | I read your post OP and wondered what HER side of the story might be? It seems rather odd that a woman who once valued her "sexy hour glass figure" suddenly lets go of it for no reason??? If anything, she sounds angry or resentful of something where you are concerned and it's coming out by her turning her body into a square, unfeminine shape.
Is it possible that you are too concerned with what YOU need? Are you demanding too much from her sexually? Does she suspect that you are looking for reasons to "mess around"???
You don't have any right to be looking elsewhere just because she has gained weight. The only right you have is to try to help her with whatever is troubling her so much. And of course, you have the right to leave her and file for a divorce if you are that unhappy. The one thing you don't have the right to do is to mess around whenever you feel YOUR needs aren't getting met.
I suspect there is far more to this story and I'd LOVE to hear her side of it.
Edit Post: I see your profile hasn't been edited to update your new marital status and you are soliciting dates from females. No wonder she's pissed at you! Give your head a shake! | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:32:03 AM |
but in real life, most men don't want to be with a women who is "fat".
Yahoo!! Another bash overweight thread!! I LOVE them!!
BTW...you're wrong. Some will, some won't. Those who won't, certainly aren't worth my time. I've been involved with plenty of thin/average men who aren't as blinded to "beauty" as you seem to be.
Here's the thing kupcake.....in some cases, over weight people can do things to make themselves "beautiful". People like you who are ugly on the inside...are pretty much stuck being ugly.
Good luck with that. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:52:41 AM | There are always reasons (usually) explainable why people put on weight:
Her comment to you...wasn't kind, but maybe she is feeling controlled by your behavior in some way?
Hormonal changes can cause eating at times....for women...Dr. Judith Reichmann and Dr. Susan Love are outstanding on this topic, if you want to find out more!
Anxiety/Depression is another.
Anxiety can be any underlying fear, subconscious too.
Medications...different ones cause food cravings! I had no idea when I was put on a med. for back pain that it would cause weight gain.
***Not until I came upon a good medical site while surfing did I read all the Drs. there stated "I haven't seen one person taking this med. not GAIN weight!" (Elavil) is the med, and I asked my Dr. to immediately take me off of it, as I'd been taking it 2 years and had weight gain, and wondered WHY!
She also may have some childhood trauma, or bad experiences somewhere that you might not know about...that can surface, cause pain, and she eats away with food, just as some turn to alcohol, gambling, sex addictions!
Exercise, eating healthy IS truly important for each of us.
Rather than giving advice to her directly, show your attention to her in other ways, talk to her, and she might open up. Do some investigating on your own. Its really difficult I'm sure. *Getting her to a therapist could be mentioned by her MD..vs. U. That would help. Maybe you can put a bug in his ear! :) Good Luck | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:59:11 AM |
Just imagine the picture - here is your dream lover, and each time you look at her she is simply guzzling? - The constant chewing, unwrapping, and purchasing those cream buns, that extra helping of cow pie, then there are those midnight absenses, when she goes missing in order to indulge in a supplementary booster feed.
 ^^^ Too funny OP. Here's a tip. Worked for my 20 year marriage at keeping me thin. Seemed like when I started packing on a few xtra pounds, my husband X now.........used to plan a beach vacation 6 months in advance and let me go shopping for bikinis and next to nothing clothes to wear on the trip. Worked..... I need a vacation NOW | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 6:01:05 AM | People usually overeat for comfort .Why does your wife feel the need to comfort herself with food.The only way you will find out is to talk about this with her.Cheating on her wont help you at all.I realize that there is not much you can do to change who and what you are attracted to,but remember this is your wife.She is still the same person inside .This is not just some girlfriend who you have only been seeing for a month or so.Your marriage is worth working on and saving.
in real life, most men don't want to be with a women who is "fat".
Believe it or not neither do most women.How many fat male models do you see in playgirl?
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notard
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Joined: 1/10/2007
Msg: 21 | |
| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 6:06:57 AM | | Most men do not mind a few extra pounds on a woman. My wife of many years went up and down a little in weight. She always looked just fine to me. What I have noticed from time to time is a woman will pare down to find and land a guy, then pack on the pounds as soon as he is snared. That is another matter entirely. Such a woman is deliberately deceiving a man into marrying her. One might call it Fat Fraud! | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 6:23:38 AM | True love is blind...
You see it all the time, some nice looking, lean, fit man with a woman who is very much over weight. They usually have a few kids in tow.
My ex was stunning when we met, after our 4th kid she weighed a "ton" but I never noticed it... I was oblivious. One day my ex overheard some younger women commenting about how good I looked and the next day she was in the gym... a year later she was back to stunning (after the divorce she went back to being fat, but hey, that's none of my business... just an interesting factoid).
On the other hand, I had this neighbor who was stunning... she ended up with this absolute dork who looked a little deformed... but she was happy beyond belief... true love is blind.
I think its ok to have a preference for slim, I do, because its a lifestyle choice.
But if I married and my wife packed on the lbs I doubt I would notice. | |
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| Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 6:24:55 AM | It does not take a rocket scientist to know that when a partner is putting on the pounds..it's the other person's job to get them motivated..
He can help her by inviting her to the gym with him..get's HIM motivated to get in shape and helping her too.....taking walks with her in the park.... and going to the grocery store and being involved in each others dietary needs.
They need to become one ..to motivate each other on becoming healthy..MOTIVATION FROM YOUR MARITAL PARTNER!!!!! Incentives if she drops 10 pounds ...a nice vacation if she drops 20 pounds..HELLOOOOOO>>
If HE is not doing HIS part ...of course she is going to feel useless and hopeless and let herself go..it shows her HE does not give a royal rats a$$ about her...and just keeps her around as an emotional punching bag...
....AND this is HIS reason to stray from the marriage..and cheat on her.
Even though he probably is not a showcase of humanity himself. She should dump this zero for a hero... | |
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