| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:59:18 PM | Apparently one of the least desired discussions from the masculine side is that of previous relationships. If true, why is that?
I wouldn't suggest jumping into discussions about former relationships in emails or first meetings. Eventually however, isn't there much to be learned about the attitudes of the opposite sex and views of relationships held by potential suitors, by listening to what they have to say about previous relationships? (We don't draw on a blank slate.)
Do you avoid talking (and or listening) about former relationships and if so, why? | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:08:13 PM | There's only two things I want to know about the ex:
1. How long ago the relationship ended.
2. Are you still trying to have a relationship with him. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:08:14 PM | | I don't avoid talking about or listening about previous relationships. That being said if I am in the early stage of a relationship (or even later) I try to be mindful that my partner is probably more interested in our relationship than in previous relationships. If I have issues to work on from prior relationships I think I am better served by finding a good therapist. I have never cut off discussion of this topic and work hard to be a good listener. I'm only one data point in your survey so it will be interesting to see how others respond. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/5/2008 8:50:49 PM | As a woman,I never think it's a good idea to talk extensively about an ex,it can open up a can of worms.
Some things are better left in the past.Besides,I wouldn't want to hear my partner talk about one of his ex's,just doesn't interest me. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/5/2008 10:36:23 PM |
Do you avoid talking (and or listening) about former relationships and if so, why?
Yup. And on both counts (listening and talking). And for so many reasons:
1) If he has negative things to say, I will think less of him for saying them aloud. Because, quite frankly, I'm not retarded, and I know there are two sides to every pancake. So, the more negative things he has to say about someone he was in a relationship with, the more I am convinced that he is an arrogant jerk, in denial, who does not, and will not, accept responsibility for his actions - - regardless of what or whom they are in relation to.
2) If he has positive things to say, I now know what my comparitive markers are, and, I just don't like that. I don't like . . . actually, scratch that - - I will not compete against women for men. And it's even more difficult to compete with the ideals of a perfect woman (which, by the time all of the crappy stuff is forgotten, that's what is left standing, an idea of perfection).
3) I don't care. It is of no matter to me the good, the bad, and the ugly of his prior relationships. I wasn't in them. I'm number one now, and so is he. We live in the present, and in the present - nobody else matters. They are in the past . . memories. And, whatever the memories consist of - the main component of them is that they are are own memories. Keep them that way.
4) Perhaps they learned lessons and grew from their relationships. That's great. But, honestly, I still don't care. It's really quite irrelevant to me. Unless they are serial daters of replica women, the lessons they learned with other women may not apply to me at all. And the problems they had with other women probably don't either. However, if they do . . . I can guarantee you I would be utterly turned off the first time he said, "That's exactly what whats-her-face would have done (or said)." I believe my reply would include foul language and a hasty departure.
5) If he can't not talk about a prior lady, then I will know he's not over her, or whatever unresolved issues he has with her. I'm not interested in that guy either. I'm not a licensed psychologist, and if I was - I wouldn't date my clients, nor would I solicit myself as an emotional and mental prostitute.
6) The reason I don't talk about past relationships are the same. Specifically, I would never want my significant other to have any fodder in the back of his head that would provide the slightest glimpse of jealousy or insecurity. By the same token, I wouldn't want him to think, "Ahhh, so this is why they didn't work out," when he sees a negative trait in me. It may be true, and it may not.
Eventually however, isn't there much to be learned about the attitudes of the opposite sex and views of relationships held by potential suitors, by listening to what they have to say about previous relationships? (We don't draw on a blank slate.) Yes, and no. Of course it is important to learn about the attitudes and views of your significant other regarding relationships - but, by the history of their prior relationships, no. In fact, we do draw on a blank slate. The blank slate is "us." It's fresh and new and can be anything we want it to be. My attitudes on relationships has less to do with my past relationships and more to do with . . . just me. What I wanted 10, 5, or 2 years ago has changed as I have changed. And, I've changed because I'm human. My life circumstances have changed, my priorities in life have changed, my needs and desires have changed. Really, none of that has anything to do with past relationships. The only things I've learned from prior relationships is to always go with my gut. That's easy enough to explain without talking about the details of relationships though. Also, you know what they say . . "One man's garbage is another man's treasure." So, it really doesn't matter what worked and what didn't in past relationships. They were with different people. The past relationship didn't work out because those two people were incompatible . . for whatever reason. But, it could be a whole new ballgame with the right person. As it should be. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/5/2008 11:52:53 PM | | i don't have a problem with discussing the ex's to a certain point..i think it can help you understand your potential partner...any man i've ever met has openly discussed their ex's...i would most definitely have a problem if the ex entered every conversation we had or on a daily basis though. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 12:01:04 AM | Apple...
I totally agree with you. The relationship with your ex is over...therefore...an experience you had...but i don't want to know. Unless you went to jail for domestic violence. I don't share details about my ex's so I don't want to hear about his. Kinda a baggage thing in my book.  | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 12:12:16 AM | is it taboo cause people don't like hearing about it? this reeks of avoidance (like sweeping a mess under the rug).
it's nice when females - friends or dates - open up to me. i have a way of making it happen, and i love when it does. it's an hour-long way of getting one step closer to someone.
a girl's past is... a goldmine of information. in another sense, it's a vivid glimpse of the parts of her personality that you won't see until you've been together for many months....
if you're dating someone and you don't like hearing about their exes.... you're either avoiding or being self-centered. that's my belief.
i'm open to opposing views... but please give reasoning. :) | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 12:33:24 AM | I concentrate my life on today and this moment.
Why clutter things up with the past? You can't change it!
It is interesting to hear the experiences that led a person to a particular belief structure or why they think of something a certain way. But besides that I don't care to hear about how X #2 hurt them this way or how ex #5 did this to them. If you have resolved it, move on and live your life today.
I find idle talk about ex's and the past as interesting and as useful as gossip is and I HATE hearing gossip. I also think gossip is fuel for the weak minded. Especially if it is complaining about ex's, oh boy!
Just my 2 cents. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 12:52:14 AM |
Do you avoid talking (and or listening) about former relationships and if so, why?
I don't bring it up myself, but I don't mind listening. If asked, I don't mind telling.
Why don't I bring it up? Apathy and tact, I guess. Apathy in that I don't care that much about the subject, and tact in that I realize that new women in my life probably aren't going to be that interested in digging up any leftover emotional baggage from my past relationships. | |
|
| |
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 1:43:17 AM |
Isn't the best predictor of future events/behaviour/attitude based on the past? Only as it relates to me. If someone treated me like crap in the past, then they probably will in the future (as long as I let them). If someone lies to me in the past, then they'll probably do it again . . to me. But, I've had exes whose past behavior with me did not dictate their future behavior with their next girlfriends. One definitely learned from some mistakes with me, and has not, and will not, be repeating those mistakes with his wife. Another went on to become a complete . . . lunatic and a$$hole to . . a lot of people - not just his girlfriends, despite the fact that he loved me and adored me fiercly when we were together.
So, no. How someone behaved with someone else in their past is not the best predictor of how they will behave with me, and vice versa. Other people may have brought out their worst . . . we could bring out each others' best. Also, people are not static. They do change and mature. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:03:35 AM | | You can learn without having to ask details or constantly discuss past relationships, each relationship deserves a fresh start to start to APPLY what you have learned, not discuss it. Your partner is not your therapist, so don't dump on them. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:16:03 AM | Apparently one of the least desired discussions from the masculine side is that of previous relationships. If true, why is that?
The problem is not so much the topic as it is the loose use of the word discussion to describe what happens. The so-called discussion is a treacherous trip down memory lane. There are land mines, steep drop-offs, and giant rats with razor sharp teeth set in a cage strapped to your face and kept away only by a flimsy screen which can be released by a single mystery word you won't know until after you said it and they attack. The woman is not asking you to venture down memory lane with her for any good purpose; she is sizing you up to fit you into her ready idea of how to turn you into the only man she knows how to deal with (and unsuccessfully). You can listen to her explain how last time went if you don't mind seeing your own future being described, because it will end up in the same place by following the same route, which is what this discussion is meant to lay out so you know what is expected of you. I prefer being oblivious while the dream of love is still believable.
Isn't the best predictor of future events/behaviour/attitude based on the past? The best predictor of whether a woman will watch Dr. Phil again is her quoting him. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 8:20:12 AM | I'll answer specific questions about exes ... when asked. Can't fault somebody for trying to get to know you based on life experiences. I like to keep it brief though, a passing topic. Women tend to compare themselves to my exes ... and while the new person in my life may remain quiet about it, months later I usually PAY.
Talking about those exes immediately launches projectiles at a man ... it's just a matter of when they will hit him! 
I actually like to hear how women talk about their exes. It gives insight to whether they are over them or not.
I like to hear ... "Oh, he was a great guy ... it just so happens that we weren't right for each other in the end." And that's it ... done!
I DON'T like to hear ... "What a psycho, A-hole ... I hope he dies in a fire!" Followed by 30 more minutes of incessant ramblings to drive her point home. Now this is just me, but I don't like to be an emotional tampon for anybody ... unless I care for them. Chances are, on a date ... I don't care about the person yet.
Okay, the "DON'T" section was fabricated purely for the drama ... but it really makes a good point! | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 8:36:06 AM | | My boyfriend and I have discussed each of our past relationships. It hasn't caused us any problems. He doesn't want his ex back and I certainly don't want mine back. We're 52. We've each had previous lives. The past is what makes you who you are today. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 8:37:51 AM | Lil Brooker,
The best predictor of the future with your intended is the current attitude and approach to the evolving in your present relationship. Why dredge up the past? People constantly change and evolve with their surroundings and relationships. What may have been a nightmare relationship previously, may not have any bearing on the present. Most people that I associate with chose not to discuss the past and consider that a closed chapter in their lives and they are ready to move on. | |
|
nogo3
|
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 18 | |
| |
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 1:10:38 PM | Isn't the best predictor of future events/behaviour/attitude based on the past?
The best predictor of whether a woman will watch Dr. Phil again is her quoting him.
LOL! Good one! | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 2:44:20 PM |
if you're dating someone and you don't like hearing about their exes.... you're either avoiding or being self-centered. that's my belief.
i'm open to opposing views... but please give reasoning. :)
I think you've put it exactly right. The only reasoning I can see from most of these replies is 'I don't like it'. I suspect people dont feel secure enough with themselves and hearing about other relationships makes them uncomfortable.
If I talk about my previous relationships I'm not comparing or getting stuck in the past. I expect the same from someone I was dating, so I have no problem with them talking about their past. In fact I think it tells me about them, just like any other part of their past would. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 3:02:30 PM | | To hear some one talk about thier exs , makes me think that they are not over them it makes people feel you are comparing them to your exs and to be honest i sure dont want to hear about your ex. if you want a realtionship i would think that would be a big red flag talking about exs. Like widowed people dont talk about the one that passed away as thier SO feels you aree comparing them. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:06:02 PM |
if you're dating someone and you don't like hearing about their exes.... you're either avoiding or being self-centered. No doubt I fall under the self-centered category, but I thought that would be self-evident in my explanation of "I don't care" and "I'm number one," etc. What I would be avoiding is . . . making my new man insecure by talking about my old men. I have never found much reward in bruising my man's ego, so . . . yes, I avoid doing it.
If I talk about my previous relationships I'm not comparing or getting stuck in the past. You might not be comparing . . . and your new lady might not see it as a comparison either, for the moment. For the moment.
Like widowed people dont talk about the one that passed away as thier SO feels you aree comparing them. Widowers are the exception. Which, I see Satsumo is a widower. I would expect a widower to talk about his/her past relationship, because it really is more about their history than the relationship. It's not as if they chose to exit that relationship. Though, that is the epitome of perfection. I think it takes a saint, or a fellow widower, to have the necesssary level of compassion, grace, and strength to never feel any form of jealousy or insecurity. I'm not generally an insecure person - - but, I think it would be a difficult situation. I've always wondered, when a widowed person remarries . . . who does he/she reunite with in heaven? | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:51:22 PM | No way am I saying anything about my ex and what I went through. Then the new man in my life will think he can pull sheet on me too. ******Who?  | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/7/2008 3:00:12 AM | I guess im one of the few that actually wants to know the details of a potential partner's past relationships.
i wanna know things like how long ago it was, how they felt about that person and for how long., why it ended, how he treated her, the things she was annoyed or upset most about her exes, who initiate the breakup and lots of other little details.
All these things combined with my knowledge of myself helps me to get an idea of what it takes to actually be with that person on a significant level.
Helps me learn if my flaws are compatible to her or not and if hers are compatible with me.
It is something that i also like to know before going into anything exclusive too. As i dont want to waste that person's time (or mine) if i can learn that we are not compatible.
I dont mind telling you about my past relationships as well as my interpretation of the post postmortem of that relationship for the same reasons. Though i will respect if that person doesnt want to know and would tell fairly little unless asked or as part of an information exchange. | |
|
| ex-relationship discussions - why taboo?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:37:10 AM | I don't avoid talking or listening about past relationships. I'm a good listener and can glean a lot from the speaker regarding their attitude towards men in general and if they're still harboring any resentment of their ex for whatever reason.
If asked, I will talk about my ex, but try to keep it succinct enough to answer the question and not drone on about it. There isn't any animosity directed towards her or our separate lives and that comes across in my attitude about my life. | |
|
Home
login 
