| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 5:37:33 PM | | Let's say you've been going out with a guy for a year, your in love with him, you think he's "the one"..if he has to dump you ,how do you want him to do it?...i hear people (especially women) that feel horriable after they've been dumped, and i wouldn't want to hurt someone on purpose if i was breaking up with them, especially a woman that i had strong feelings for...so what could i do or say to soften the blow for her? | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 5:59:29 PM | Dumping someone who has strong feelings for you is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you really don't want to be with that person you really only have 3 options: 1) stay with them and be miserable 2) stay with them and hope that they'll change (which is doubtful) or 3)dump them. If you stay with them, you will eventually become resentful of them and your partner will eventually find out and that will probably hurt her more in the end knowing that you didn't want to be with her for all these months (I know when my ex told me he hadn't wanted to be with me for the last 2-3 months of our relationship I was very upset). But if you dump them they're going to get hurt anyways. If she has strong feelings for you, no matter what you do, she will get hurt and there's really nothing you can do to soften the blow, other than dumping her as soon as possible.
I am however assuming here OP that you have a very good reason for dumping her, something that can't be worked on, or if it's something that can be worked on, she hasn't been willing to put in the effort. In the first case, you are best off to dump her as nothing is going to fix the situation. If it's something that can be worked on, be very clear and firm that you have to fix the problem and if she doesn't work with you to fix it, you'll have to break up with her (and don't be a jerk and make her the only one working on the problem, you really need to put some effort in as well). I would give her two chances for this one. As in tell her about the problem and try to work on it, if she's not doing anything then do the "I honestly can't be in this relationship anymore if we don't fix this problem and I really need your help to fix it." or whatever. If she still isn't putting any effort in, then tell her that's why you're breaking up with her ("I really care about you, but I don't feel like you're putting any effort into this major problem and that's causing a major problem in this relationship so I'm going to have to end things). If she has been working to fix the problem but whatever you're doing just isn't working, then maybe you need to sit down together or with a third party (couple's therapy) and come up with a solution. If you feel for the woman, there's generally no reason you can't work things out. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 6:23:29 PM | There is no easy way to dump someone.
But if you were any kind of man,you would talk with her face to face.
And be honest as to why you are moving on.
Nothing is more cowardly than a man who dumps a woman in an email,or over
the phone. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 7:56:46 PM | | No appleellie, i'm not married, or seeing someone else, i just wanted to know how i can move on with my life and end a relaionship on good terms. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:03:38 PM |
so what could i do or say to soften the blow for her?
"I think that it is important that you find someone that will always be honest with you. I don't find myself capable and have been active on a dating site and set my profile to single. If you want, I can show you how to set one up for yourself." | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:12:40 PM | This is how it would happen in MY world:
he emails me, or writes a letter in which he explains the reasons
* following this he doesnt answer my phonecalls, emails, other avenues of trying to contact him... (for a face to face talk)
The reasons i say this is the easiest way.. is because the emotions are running wild at this time... and he better not be around me cause most likely it will create drama in which i'll end up crying and he'll end up giving in... and trying things all over again... once more... and even though at this moment this is what i want... so badly i wish he instead just cut me out of his life... cold... so that way... over next following months i will start feelling better... cause every day will get easier... only if he.. does not answer my phone calls, emails, cause at the times he does he gives me false hope for something starting up again.... ohhh man.... sometimes this is the reason why I DONT miss loving someone... being that close.... but then again.... if you don't try you will never know...
p.s
YOU sound very caring to post such an inquiry...best of luck | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:44:25 PM | There is no such thing as softening the blow. Just tell her to her face, "I'm simply not happy and it's over." She didn't make you happy in the first place, so there's no sense in extending a courtesy when you dump her.
Bottom-line is that she'll move on meet some other guy at least a couple of weeks if not a month a later and she will forget all about you.  | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:58:03 PM | What makes breaking up difficult is when the other person gets emotional, tries to renegotiate details in the relationship, or other such nonsense. It is rare that someone with a year invested can simply say, "I want you to be happy, and if I am not the one you can be happy with, then you obviously aren't right for me, either."
So, you just have to prepare yourself for the worst. Go to her place, make a clean break, then excuse yourself.
Now if you want to wimp out, you could start acting like a jerk until she dumps you. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:18:52 PM |
what could i do or say to soften the blow for her?
Probably nothing...but you owe it to her to be totally direct, to not be involved with anyone else when you do it, to not have somebody else already in mind when you do it and to have a damn good explaination why. (even if its I dont love you anymore)
She will ask...and if you had strong feelings for her...then she deserves the respect of an explaination. (everyone does)
Do it in private and look her in the eyes when you do it.
I say this not because you deserve guilt for what you're doing...but because people need to know exactly what their actions mean to other people because it stops them from getting involved with random people and doing things blindly again.
As Herding pointed out...its a pretty piss poor effort to already be on a dating site as single while you havent even discussed it with your SO. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:47:25 PM | There is NO way to soften the blow. When one person cares about the other person more.... they get hurt in the end.
It's best to be honest... it doesn't have to be brutal though! | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:59:03 AM | | Just be honest and let her know why. Half the frustration of getting dumped is not knowing why. Men tend to avoid confrontation more than women. Were happy to tell you why and usually have been telling you for months that this is not working while you do this or that | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:39:06 AM | Dumping people DO's
Be honest - Dont feed them lines like "its not you its me", "I just want to be single for a while" blah blah blah...we all know its bull
Do it face to face
dont be mean - Its the best way to soften the blow, dont be nasty about it
DONT's!!!
Do it over text message
Do it over email
purposely start a arguement so you have a excuse
At the end of the day, dont say to her what she wants to hear, be honest, she may hate you for it now, but in the future, she would be thankfull for it. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:23:33 AM | | ok firstly if you phone her and ask can you see her because you need to talk. She will know that something is up and be expecting bad news. When you do tell her be honest tell her the truth its better coming from you. Don't get involved in a row if she starts just say you are sorry and leave. Don't give her false hope by saying you'll call her. And don't get in the sack just 1 last time. Be honest to the point (not cruel) and stick to your word. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:47:35 AM | Heres what I would do:
Id get another girlfriend, and then when Im sick of both of them, Id arrange it so I was sleeping with one of them, and the other one would walk in on us! Hilarity would ensue, but damnit, that would solve both your problems! | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:49:36 AM | OP much more info is needed concerning your thread. Are you speaking from your own personal experience or is this 'hypothetical'? If you are speaking from your own experiences then I'll have to assume you are trolling after searching your history.
If not then.....In person.....Face to face. I believe that if your romance was worth anything at all then its respectful for 'dumper' to face the 'dumpee' in person.
Text messages, word of mouth and 'chat' are all the cowards way of dealing with serious issues.
You need to face the dumpee and tell them what is in your heart.....In this case it appears you have tried to make it happen, but it's not happening. You cannot force love through guilt, and to stay with a person under false pretences is wrong and will hurt them more in the long run. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:55:59 AM | i want to get dumped on a very thick feather bed, all bouncy with hydraulic springs and stuff! sounds springy! 
.. or, you could just tell her that you've loved being with her and spending time with her but don't feel the same way toward her anymore.. that you love her (if it's true/or care for her/whatever..) but are not "in love" with her... tell her you're sorry for hurting her, that you never wanted to do that... and be prepared for her to be angry or for tears or for both, without getting defensive and being retaliatory toward her.. let her get out her reaction however she needs to, be there to listen to it, hold her if she needs you to...
..that will all let her know that you really have cared for her, that it wasn't "all a lie" (which it can sometimes feel like, when we get the wrong idea of a situation/the situation wasn't how we'd dreamed it would be..)
then maybe, when it's all blown over and she's had time to grieve apart from you, you and she might be able to be friendly... but i'd NOT suggest saying that you "just want to be friends" at the time of dumping - to me that's like saying, "sure, i'll break your heart, but we're still friends, right?" - not a cool thing...
good luck.. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:01:27 AM | | you take me on a holiday on a nice tropical island....make love to me....and die on top of me..... | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:11:00 AM | | I may be needing this info on this thread, wish some of you girls/ women would be more serious and SPECIFIC in your responses. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:44:57 AM | If I had to be dumped, I'd prefer it to be on a warm beach abroad...hrmmmm...let's say the French Riviera, there is lots of sunshine and the smell of warm bodies in coconut oil. There would be handsome men serving me drinks with little umbrellas. It would be after a relaxing massage, manicure, pedicure, and spa treatment. I'd be calm and peaceful and in the company of good friends with great tunes lilting and dancing in the air. I could handle anything then...It wouldn't even hurt too much. I might even notice you were gone after a while.
But of course, most relationships fall apart as the rest of your life tumbles too. Few people leave when everyone is happy. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:46:05 AM | If a man is getting ready to dump me, I could probably sense it, and most likely I will feel the same way and be getting ready to dump him too.
State your reasons in a calm manner, and there's a good chance I will agree. But that's just me.
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 7:50:55 AM | No Post-it notes!
No E-mails
Don't take me to my favorite place or "our" place
Brace me, prepare me, before we meet in person - "I really need to talk to you" make sure your tone of voice is not the "happy surprise" tone
Bring/Order a drink AND chocolate before we talk (eh, hem BOTH for me)
Tell me why - what went wrong, what is it about me that is not a fit (but be NICE and not TOO truthful)
Tell me if there is someone else
Tell me the good things about me and our relationship - why I'm great for someone else, but just not you
Be prepared, bring LOTS of klenex (and tell me I look beautiful even with red, mascara runny eyes and red snoggy nose) 
If I need to walk away, let me
If I need to cry on your shoulder and be held, let me
If I need to slug your arm/shoulder, let me
Good luck  | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:09:33 AM | On top of being honest and doing it in person, I suggest you don't try to be friends afterwards (at least not right away). A lot times people try to do this because they don't want to lose their friendship.
If you have NO intention to be together again don't confuse her and delay her healing. Most likely if someone thinks you are "the one" she will likely tell herself you are "scared" or "confused" or just "need time" and if you try to be friends she will hold on to hope that you are sorting through things and really miss her.
It may feel meaner to cut off contact, but in reality it's worse to drag it out with a mixed message. No matter what you say, a dumpee will consider continued contact/calls/emails as hope. | |
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| how do you want to get dumped?
Posted: 1/8/2008 10:51:36 AM | The main thing is, no drama. There is no non-hurtful way to do it, so just do it calmly and completely. "Look, I'm sorry to have to say this to you, but it's not working out for me." Something like that. Give her back anything of hers that you have, walk away, and don't keep in touch. Especially when she "needs to talk" or whatever - don't be there for here. She has friends. She'll get over it faster the less you try to let her down easy.
Good luck. | |
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