| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:12:40 PM | Hey all,
My ex and i have been broken up 3 months.
Over the past couple of weeks we have started talking again and rekindling the relationship. We have had a big talk and he's made the committment to see me at least once a week (he works full time and lives about an hour from me) and we're going to start things off slowly.
Now, during the past 3 months i haven't been a terribly good person. I have slept aith a number of guys and it is definately not something i am proud of. To top it off i have caught a common STD which i am now being treated for.
As soon as i found out (yesterday) i had this STD i msg'd my ex to let him know...of course he was not happy. I decided to drive to his house last night to talk about it in person with him.
I was completely honest with him and told him about what has happened over the past 3 months. I told him i regret what i have done and feel very guilty and that i think its a good thing we're talking about it. He was very understanding and said that he has a lot of thinking to do and that for now we're just friends. I left the conversation and his house on what i thought were good terms.
So we spoke again today and he said that because of the number of guys i had been with, i haven't learnt my lesson and that he must not mean anything to me. I need to prove to him that i have become a better person, i have learnt my lesson and that a number of changes have been made.
Can anyone help me? How do i prove to him that i am deeply sorry for my actions and that i have learnt my lesson and become a better person?
I want to work things out with him...but i can't keep fighting if there is now no hope. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:22:32 PM | You can't. Why do people feel that if they bare their souls about what they feel guilty of, that it will make things ok? NO ONE wants to hear shit like that lady...you should have kept that information to yourself. How the hell did you think he would respond.
Anyway...you two were broken up so you didn't cheat on him. You definitely should have left out the part about the STD. Damn that's so stupid.
Let him go..he deserves better. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:23:53 PM | Ouch! You may have burned that bridge you were trying to build by being too honest.
You may be paying for your honesty if you decide to make up with him for the rest of your life. I don't know what kind of a man he is, but he could be the type to throw it in your face every time you have a disagreement.
I think you may have been too honest about things. You were broken up at the time and what you did or didn't do should have been kept to yourself
How do you prove something like this? Ask him exactly what is his "required proof" Other than being true to yourself and to him I don't have a clue how you can prove anything to him. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:31:48 PM | I just don't know that after your wonderful revelation he will see you any differently then what you have described to him. Guys want to believe their the only ones and it grosses them out to find that others have double dipped into the honey pot. Additionally they see it as you don't respect yourself if your willing to give up to everyone under the sun.
I have no other ideas but to say that if you really are committed to him and think there is a chance then you should not date and remain alone however I really think that in this case you are wasting your time.
In future don't discuss every little detail of your life namely how many people you slept with. While the other person definately needs to know about safety issues such as diseases revealing that while he was gone you slept with 800 men and a pool boy too is not the way to go. Hopefully you have learned your lesson by this and realize that if your going to take chances you better be safe about them ie: condoms! | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:33:43 PM | well considering that my ex and i had slept together i thought it was best that i tell him about the std. I would rather be honest with him and tell him the truth than lie to him. If i had of lied, he would have found out later and i imagine it would have been a hell of a lot worse.
At least it is out there, now he can make the decision on whether he wants to forgive me or not. Yes, we were broken up, and i was single to do as i please. I thought it was the right thing to do by informing him?
Plus, we have had a two week break about 1 year into the relationship (we dated for 2 years) and during that 2 week break he slept with someone else...and i took him back...perhaps the wrong thing to do? | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:35:39 PM | Ok, this is the thing about forums... There is much to be asked... Did you break up because you were cheating on him...
If you two were broke up then and you went out and had a wild time, that is your life... He wasn't part of it... He could have easily caught something himself too...
However telling him every lurid detail of every person you were with doesn't make you look like the best catch, especially if you were cheating when you were together...
AS FOR HIM, it is a manipulation of him to say you have to prove to me.......and you didn't learn over value me......How long were you supposed to wait before you got naked with someone else....Did you know the two of you were gonna reconcile at some point?
I think it is crappy of him to behave this way... Sure I would mention that you had a little something going on, because that is only fair... THe number of guys, NO, that is not his business, nor is it for him to judge you by when the two of you weren't together... | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:41:07 PM | I think you did the responsible thing by telling him about the STD. I would want to know if I was about to start a relationship with someone that had an STD.
Your behavior in the previous months, however, wasn't very responsible but the previous poster is right I think... you didn't cheat on him. However, his perception of it is different obviously. I think the only thing for you to do now is accept his decision and hope that you can just be friends with him. Keep yourself in check and SHOW him the positive changes you've made. Maybe after a while as friends he'll start to see the changes you've made and may be interested in pursuing a more intimate relationship.
Good luck to ya girly :o)
~Posies~ | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:47:16 PM | Tigger, you did the only thing that should have been done. You were honest with him, and since he could have easily caught it from you..it was necessary. What you did with someone else, since you guys were broken up (unless you both agreed that you should stay committed regardless), well, there just isn't anything wrong with it and it's not for him to judge, nor yourself. That's what you chose, at the time, so you really have nothing to feel guilty about. What's the big deal? It's not like you did it to hurt anyone, or while you were with someone else, right? So, stop worrying about it.
Since he also slept with someone while you two were split up previously, isn't that like him calling the kettle black? He is condemning you for what you did, while you were "BROKEN UP", which means, you WEREN'T TOGETHER ANYMORE!
Ever hear of the word "martyr"? I believe that applies. Don't beat yourself up! If he doesn't like you sleeping with others, then, maybe he shouldn't have allowed it to get that far by walking out, when things weren't going well. Maybe he should have found way to keep you in his arms by treating you good.
Find someone who doesn't act like a martyr. It sounds like what is good for the goose is not good for the gander. Sad! If he doesn't want you, well...there are plenty of guys who won't beat you up emotionally. As they say, "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Find one who understands the meaning of, "What's good for the goose...is good for the gander," instead of living a life of, "He's upset with me, because I did the same as he!" :) | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:52:57 PM | Ok
Didn't realize you had slept with him before finding out about the std. In that case you were right to tell him about that.. But telling him about every man you slept with in between probably ruined your chances of working things out with him. When you get older you will find out that telling every detail only hurts that person. I don't mean lie, I mean don't confess, leave that for the priest. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 8:54:29 PM | You want to prove to him that you have learned your lessons and that you are a better person?
That is going to take some time missy!
How much time? That all depends on your actions from here on out!
If I was in your boyfriends shoes, I would wait to see if you were sincere. Sincere in your actions and words and then I'd wait a bit longer to see how sincere!
Hope this helps! | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:01:27 PM | You did not say why you first broke up. Fidelity? Yours or his?
Decide are you really done playing or do you wonder what that guy's lips, hands will feel like, and how he will take you.
He is probably asking why all the men? Why? After only 3 months? Wow. Didn't you explore your wild side before marriage? You wanted to be desired by strange men? You needed ego stroking? Curious? Living out fantasies? Were you videotaped?
And suddenly you can turn that OFF like a faucet? It is a bit hard to believe. If you want lots of lovers go for it...every body feels different. No judgment here. But then why expect someone to commit to you? Why would they? You like to be with lots of guys. No judgment but who wants a wife like that unless the door swings both ways You are young enjoy yourself
You need to tell him WHY you had so many partners and he can either deal or not. That many and you weren't careful...
So what can you bring him? All your new sex moves, while he knows in bed in your mind you'll compare him to all the others? Will they bump into you and him in the street and try to rekindle themselves with you? Will they keep calling or email you on your private email till you weaken? And why do you want him back? Why? He probably wants to know...
Are their children? | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:50:45 PM | Let me clear up a few things. We broke up because he didn't have time for me as he was working, had uni and exams and we live quite far apart. That it why it ended, he initiated it.
I didn't tell him every detail. All i said was that i have caught an STD from a guy due to unprotected sex. I also told him that to be perfectly honest during the 3 months apart i slept with more than 1 person. I did not tell him exactly how many or what happened because i don't think its important.
I have never cheated on him and never will.
I also had no idea that we were going to reconcile at some point...i dont know how long he expected me to wait...but he believes that it was too short a time for me to go out with someone else.
I told him the reason why i did it was because of the loneliness. I also said that it didn't make me feel better after doing it and its the one of the few things i regret in life. I also said that i can try and fix what i have done and be a better person, but i can't change what's happened...
Also, there are no children... i am only 21, not married or anything | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 11:35:17 PM | This is the kind of relationship issue that makes a person scratch there head and wonder wth...
Personally I still stand by the fact that he is acting really immature by saying you were horrible, and YOU NEED TO PROVE...
The two of you were broke up, you sowed some wild oats... HOWEVER, because you are a female you can't???
IT was a rhetorical question when I asked if you thought you were going to reconcile...Obviously you didn't think you were, and it didn't sound like the two of you asked to take a break from each other, yet stay faithful.
I did however ask the did ya cheat before question because you are saying you need to IMPROVE yourself... WHY? What are you doing so wrong with your life that means you have to improve to be a better person?
I am asking to see if it is HE who is trying to sell you a bill of goods that YOU are not good enough, or if you believe for yourself that you need to be better.
You have a degree, and if you work at take yourself somewhere with it, then all the better.
We all have personal things we can do better at, but those should be things we chose for our self, our mates are not supposed to DICTATE who you should be, or how you have to be to be a better person.
Of course I know there are plenty of people that would disagree, but I can tell ya at my age I am NOT a reform school, and do not want to reform anyone to suit my needs, nor do I want to reform myself for someone else's approval.
Sounds like you have been feeling pretty lonely the whole entire relationship... He is calling the kettle black, when he went out and ummm boinked someone else, and you two were only broken up for a week...
I don't know sunshine, I would say it is up to you, but someone who goes out of their way to create bad feelings about ourselves just because they can doesn't sound like the greatest catch...
Sure you can feel bad for your choices, but we learn that way. You had no expectation of getting back together, loneliness is NOT a crime... Just something you have to be more careful about...
Good luck,
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/7/2008 11:49:02 PM | thank you nexthyme for your help.
I honestly don't really know what i am doing wrong that means i need to improve myself.
In the past i was very dependent on him and this has changed greatly over the past year. I also wasn't very respectful of his needs (for example giving him the time and space he needed)...this too has changed.
When we broke up 3 months ago he said we both had a lot of growing up to do and over this past few months i have grown up a lot, despite my actions. I have learnt to become more independent, i have seen the strength i have in myself, i do my own thing and i have a lot more respect for others etc.
Speaking to him today he made it clear that if it was only 1 person i slept with, then he would understand, but because it was a number of guys he feels i haven't learnt my lesson at all.
I believe there is nothing i can do or say to make the situation better and that i can only learn from my mistakes.
I dont know if he will ever forgive me for what i've done...
Its funny...last night he seemed so understanding about the situation, he gave me a hug goodbye and said "it will be fine"...yet today he seemed so angry with me.
Is it best that i just stop contact with him for a few days and wait till he's ready to talk to me or should i keep messaging him? | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 12:01:14 AM | so it took two weeks for you to find a laid??
damn!!
some guys sure are stupid ><
but I am a virgin, what do I know O.o
As for seeing it in his own view, I think i would feel terrible. The idea of the one lady i went out with for two years, and she easily gave it to a few guys in a few month's time would be enough to make me realize that there is something wrong with this person and I should just step back...and that the chance that she also gave me the STD as well!! wow, this is hard . But he himself also use this time off to sleep with somebody else as well??
man, some people sure have luck finding an easy laid.
this is amazing, in my eyes anyways.
oh well, I hope everything works for the best for you | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 12:55:27 AM | RickyMonch....no, i waited about a month and a half before i slept with someone.
It was the first break that we had for 2 weeks (about 1 year ago)...and after the 1st week of that break, he slept with someone else and i stayed faithful.
There is nothing wrong with me. I was feeling lonely and it was the only way i knew how to cope with it. I am not saying what i did was right or wrong...I don't want to be judged on my actions over the past few months.
I am asking for help in what to do to show him i am a better person and that i am truly sorry for what i have done. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:08:21 AM | I think you should listen to everything that Nexthyme posted - she is right on the money.
What do you think you have to prove? You guys break up because he has no time for you and you were what? - supposed to pine away indefinately for him? Forget that crap!
If he wants undying devotion then he'd better be prepared to offer up some of his own.
Don't buy into his mind game - it's a manipulation designed to place you in the position of being grateful for his attention and affection - if he had been there for you in the first place then no other guy would have had the opportunity to be with you - it's not like you cheated - he walked away.
He should read it like a lesson to himself - if he isn't going to step up to the plate and be there with you -then there's plenty of other guys who'll be happy to take his place.
Stand up for yourself and stop apologizing for enjoying male companionship. However, practice safe sex in future. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:35:28 AM | you dont have to prove yourself to anyone. I know you are not going to want to hear this, but it sounds like a lot of games and drama from both sides.
I think i would try to cut my losses and move on. It doesnt sound like there is a real solid foundation to try and build a relationship on.
Just wanted to add, dont be thrilled for the hour a week he has committed to. If that was all the time someone was willing to spend with me, their ass would be standing down by the curb. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:54:14 AM | Dump him. You are too young and beautiful to wait around for a guy that only has time for you once a week. It takes time, in my experience, to do this, but with guys like this you eventually have to, for the sake of your self esteem.
You already proved yourself to be honest with what you told him. There is NOTHING wrong (sans morality) with what you did. You were broken up, and just getting the attention that he denied you. Shame on him.
What lesson does he think you're supposed to be learning?
Again, please dump this man. You're worth the whole week, or at least a commitment to spend the entire weekend with, due to the drive. Don't care if he's busy. Find someone who is not. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:38:39 AM | I have noticed that there is not too much of a males point of view yet.
There are all kinds of things going through his head, even if he broke it off three months ago, for you to sleep with more than 1 or 2 guys in that amount of time, he does not know if he can trust you, EVEN IF YOU WERE BROKE UP when you did it. You must realize this is how men think.
I am sorry to say but you gave him WAY too much information and it has cost you the relationship, sure you may work it out for a little while but it is over and done with.
Sorry, but men are dumb asses sometimes and see things one sided. I would not try to prove yourself to him because you will only despise him, because he had you jump through some stupid hoop.
Best bet is to find someone closer and more of the same lifestyle. | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 22 | |
| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:46:32 AM |
I am asking for help in what to do to show him i am a better person and that i am truly sorry for what i have done.
See, that's the problem... it's NOT up to you to prove ANYTHING to him, and you have nothing in the world to be sorry about. When you are split up, you are split up, period. And what either of you do during that time is nobody's business but your own.
What you need to realize right now is that he doesn't seem to be a big enough person to accept what happened. You didn't cheat on him - you two weren't together. If HE isn't mature enough to realize this and accept it, I really think you are better off just walking away.
even if he broke it off three months ago, for you to sleep with more than 1 or 2 guys in that amount of time, he does not know if he can trust you,
It's none of his business if she slept with one or two guys, or a different guy every night until they got back together. It's none of his business who she was with before she met him, nor is it his business who she was with after he broke up with her. | |
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| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:54:23 AM | From what you have said so far OP, the only thing I see you did wrong was unprotected sex. Now possibly you may have had an agenda with sex with other men as you hold on to the negative memory of his having sex with someone the first time you broke up. Possibly spite is part of this picture. How did you find out about that one?
You also told him about your escapades? This should be a good lesson for all. Know who you are fvcking and think about the consequences.
I know the OP is. NOW.
As for your (proving yourself?) I would not waste another moment on that way of thinking. Suck it up and carry on with your life. Certainly don't be telling him about any more of your fvck buddies though? Have you confronted your fvck buddy who gave you the nice gift to remember him by?
Power to the penis. | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 24 | |
| how do i prove myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:01:31 AM |
This should be a good lesson for all. Know who you are fvcking and think about the consequences.
You could catch something from someone you've known for a year just as easily as you could catch something from someone you've known for 2 hours. It depends on how honest the other person is, not how well you know them. | |
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| how do i improve myself?
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:08:23 AM | You could catch something from someone you've known for a year just as easily as you could catch something from someone you've known for 2 hours. It depends on how honest the other person is, not how well you know them.
Only if you're an idiot. That's not a fair statement Let me qualify. Only if you succumb to pressure rather than rational thought.
Or. If you don't think period. | |
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