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| | Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriagePage 1 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | I have been worried about Melissa, we broke up just before Christmas after she had a miscarriage. I spent so much time blaming myself and worrying about her and thinking what more could I have done to help her.
Today I discovered that Melissa in fact did not have an miscarriage but an abortion and she lied to me. She told me nothing about the pregnancy, she was 6 weeks into it, when she miscarried. The week she did I had told her that I am taking Monday off so that we can spend more time together having fun bush walking getting out and about. We had not done that for a while and I thought we both needed to relax. I had been under pressure at work and just needed to relax.
All weekend she was unwell and did not want me around I was upset as she was pushing me away and I wanted to help her, because I loved her. I came to see her but she asked me to leave. On Monday morning she was crying and very upset I tried to help her and said she should see that doctor as she has bad cramps in her stomach. Early afternoon she said she through she was having a miscarriage and I did not know what to say this was the first time I heard about this. But I stayed calm and helped, I asked if I could go to the doctors with her, she refused and she even refused that I pay the doctors bills.
The following week she said she needed to go to a clinic to have a curate and it was close to my apartment in the city. She wanted to come over and rest after wards I said I would drop her off at the clinic and asked her where it was. She reluctantly told me where it was. I accepted that it was close by and she could walk over but did not want me around.
Melissa has stopped talking to me and today I sent an email to a person who shares her apartment to see how she is and said I am worried as we lost our baby Melissa had a miscarriage. The flat mate told me she is fine and that he did not know she miscarried. I was taken back because she told me she had told him and her friends, even her friends do not know.
I then did research and found out that the clinic only does abortions and if your pregnancy is 7 week or less, then you are provided with tablets to abort. A week later you go back and have a check up and medication is provided to ensure no infection occurs. I have pieced together all the facts and now know she lied to me.
Further a few weeks after she broke up with me she started seeing someone else, within two weeks. Hence no response from her when I asked her how she is? How can I help her? etc.
I know I was silly about not checking about the clinic but I trusted her. I am heart broken and know she lied to me outright. We were talking of buying a house, having children, planning our future, etc. How rotten can it get? I trusted her because I loved her, that is what love is.
This would have been my first child and I had told Melissa that I would support her no matter what. I cared for her always and wanted to be with her.
I don't know what to say .... Neil | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:30:52 PM | | I just got to add that I have been grieving the loss of the baby on my own, I have no relatives. I was left to grieve on my own and to worry about Melissa. I was advised my the grief help line that the behaviour is normal but no it is not. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:35:46 PM | Wow, quite the story. Sorry you've blammed yourself. Unfortunately, we can't control others honesty. For some reason she chose to not allow you to make a choice with her.
There really aren't words that can make you feel any better. I sure wish there were! | |
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lokat
| | Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 4 | |
| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/7/2008 9:57:09 PM | | Some times women don't think they have a choice, when there is realtionship she might not think will work out.Maybe you really didn't know how she felt about having childern in the first place. Above all we should be honest with each other, but if she felt you might want to have a baby and she wasn't ready maybe that is why she was so secertive....sometimes it is hard for both people...bringing a child into the world is a big thing...It can over whelm aperson | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/7/2008 10:11:37 PM | | Wow, that is a sad story. Unfortunately there is nothing to say to make you feel better. My ex was pregnant with my baby a month after she left me, it would have been my first baby and she miss carried. I know how hard it is to lose that little miracle. But to find out she cancelled it. I would think if she didn't want it, she could at least carry it through and give it to you, after all she helped make him/her. I feel for you loss. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 12:49:19 AM | op, your grief is entirely normal - don't question that.
you have provided a lot of info about the end, but very little about your relationship with melissa. i will proceed on the assumption that your version of what happened is the truth.
bottom line - you loved her, she did not love you. when she became pregnant, she began to think - - she was not ready for a baby and not ready to move ahead in her relationship with you (obvious, since she kept you in the dark, and made the decision without you). in fact, she decided she was done with you (evidenced by the fact that as soon as the baby was gone, so were you, and 2 weeks later, she had someone else). i'm sorry, because i know that sounds harsh, but is the most reasonable explanation i can think of, and if you want to deal with the situation, you have to address how it really was.
if she wont talk to you, i don't see much choice but to deal with your feelings and move on. you might try emailing her, saying you understand that it was her decision, but that you would like to know the truth, so you can move on with your own grieving process. (oh, don't mail her roomie or friends any more...and certainly it's not your place to tell them her business, even if you think they know.)
I would think if she didn't want it, she could at least carry it through and give it to you, after all she helped make him/her.
dude - pretend you have a uterus, and could actually carry a baby 9 months to term - - now, pretend it's a baby you don't want, fathered by a guy you don't love and want no further part of...are you going to carry that baby to term and "give it" to him??? | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:44:48 AM | OP your grief is understandable, keep yourself busy, try do some community service.
Consider that Melissa had her reasons, that you will never know, she may not even fully know herself, only that she wasn't ready for this big step just yet. Remove from your home anything that reminds you of her, write a letter to her and bub, burn it and say some prayers of release. Sometimes we need an act to heal. Buy a nice stone, fill it with prayers of a happy future and tell yourself bub will come to you, via a new and loving woman. Keep this stone in your pocket, touch it when you feel down and let it fill you with peace and hope. Soak the little stone each night - it will shorten your grieving time.
Peace and a better year to you. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:08:40 AM | I don't think I have ever read anything in these forums that has ever brought me to tears. I am very touched by your story. It hurts I know, but don't fight the emotions. Welcome your emotions, it shows your compassion and heart. Continue to talk to someone that can encourage your healing and help support you through this. Good luck in the future Neil, your heart will heal with time.
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naeco
| | Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 9 | |
| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:20:31 AM |
dude - pretend you have a uterus, and could actually carry a baby 9 months to term - - now, pretend it's a baby you don't want, fathered by a guy you don't love and want no further part of...are you going to carry that baby to term and "give it" to him???
So, that gives her the right to kill their baby? | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:37:21 AM | Melissa had her reasons, I understand that fully we all have choices.
I have to say that I suffered from a very bout of anxiety and I withdrew from her and closed in, I could not help that. I understand where this anxiety came from it it from a trauma I suffered that I was waiting to get treated. I am now getting the treatment and am getting better.
Patients, love and compassion was what was required while I waited for the treatment. But I can see Melissa's point of view she more then likely did not feel secure that I would get better. The only reason I have been able to tell my story is that I am getting better.
I look around and see many people throw in the towel when things get bad in a relationship, instead of helping one another and being there people look for quick fixes. That is our society, if it does not work move on, but we forget we are humans.
I am a good man, I truly love from the heart but I couldn't for 8 weeks as I was hit by the anxiety. Feels bad but there is not much I could have done. I talked about it with Melissa and was telling her I am not quite myself, I was losing that happy, confident, caring, loving, open man that I am but could do nothing as I went down hill. Was very frustrating because I couldn't stop my anxiety, I can't take any medication for it and have to be very careful as my body is very sensitive to medication, I can end up bleeding in my mouth and stomach. So I have had to endure the pain while I waited for treatment, during that time I closed up.
I do lead a good healthy, lifestyle and I try to do my best. I just suffered a trauma that wiped me out for a few months, when I stopped being myself. That is what was happening.
Wish people would learn to love one another, care and not always look for quick fixes and chase money, power, etc. We have to learn to be human being not two legged animals. I little bit of love goes a long way.
I have forgiven Melissa because I still love her. She is a good person but for some reason she could not cope and I feel sad I was not there for her at that time. If I could talk to her and love her again I would use forgiveness comes from love. I still love her that is what love is about. But I also know I need to love on we lost a chance to be together and have a happy future.
I truly love her, every time I saw her my heart jumped, I could spot her in a crowd of a million, I love the way she smiles, her voice. I told Melissa she is the most beautiful woman in the world and she is for me, the time I was with her I never looked at another woman because I had no desire to. I still find it hard to look at other women and have the feelings I have for her.
Neil | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:01:09 PM | The title...."Lies, deception and abortion, not a miscarriage," brings this
thought.
You stated that she started seeing someone within two weeks. That is
much too soon following abortion or miscarriage, unless she didn't
grieve for the loss either way.
Could she have already been seeing someone else, as in cheating on you,
and this baby was not yours? Could that be why she didn't want you around?
I understand the anguish you feel and I'm sorry she has put you through this.
Seems you are much more hurt than she is. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:30:02 PM | That baby is ours the dates work out. I know what has happened and know Melissa. The hurt is deep for both as she loved me she had dreams and hopes. I do not think people know much about anxiety and the problems it causes and how to handle it.
We are all damaged people like it or not the problem we have is none are willing to work on ourselves or know how to. We read books to motivate us for short term help but the deep underlying problems remain from our childhoods and conditioning. Unless we know about these subtle things we are unable to form good relationships and move forward.
I have a good idea of what happened and the thinking but I am human and love from the heart. I love Melissa I know what the problem is. I am now thinking about me and how I can deal with this loss and how I can move on or rekindle the love. We can't write off anything but we have to at the same time learn how to detach and give love unconditionally and not be needy.
When we give up we are throwing away a chance to grow and to become the person God intended us to be, we all lose. You only move away from your partner or not get into relationships if there is serious dysfunction. Such as violence, emotional and mental abuse, threat to life and limb, when people are addicted to drinking, gambling, drugs, etc. Then we have to protect ourselves. But when there is a case to grow together why throw it away?
If we can learn to be patient and trusting as people we may just find love. How many of us think we know a person when we meet them on a dating site? Do we take the time to know them or do we think a few emails exchanged means you know the person? Meeting is a priviledge and a starting point not an end point.
Making assumptions about who's baby it is showing a lacking in yourself and means you may fin it hard to trust due to your own experiences in life. Or you are meeting people of the same thinking. I think we all need to open our hearts and souls and to love ourselves and be brave to face the truth about ourselves get to know who we are.
I am sad because I love Melissa truly but she is missing out on real love. I am not blind when it comes to love, I was previous and I am still learning.
Have a good day .. Neil | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 5:54:47 PM | I wasn't assuming anything. When a person makes a post, there are going
to be different questions as well as differences of opinion. It won't always
be to our liking.
As I said, I'm sorry for your pain. Together or apart, I hope both of you
can begin the healing process. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:14:33 PM | OP, I really feel for you, more so than you could know. Honestly, this is a horrible thing for any man to have to go through. But, other men have gone through it, and survived. I am not going to say that the experience made them a stronger or better person for it, but they survived, and sometimes that is all you can ask for. You too will survive, and over a long time you may heal to the point where you are willing to trust again, love again, and perhaps even try for a family again.
As for this Melissa, get her out of your life as quick thoroughly as you can, and for your own well being, do not let her back in should she decide to try and come back. She made her decision with no regards to you, you have to make yours with no regards to her. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 1:31:39 AM | First of all you should not be using her name on this board or discussing her miscarriage with her flatmates. It is no one's business but you and hers.
Do you know for a fact that she was not cramping or bleeding during the short term pregnancy? Many pregnancies end very early on because the fetus is not viable and a woman needs to have a D & C just to rectify a very sad situation and stay healthy.
Were you engaged or actually committed to one another? Do you know if you were the only man she was dating? Are you sure it was yours? Just because the time line may fit does not mean there was not another man in the picture. The fact that she is now dating someone 2 weeks after a miscarriage makes me wonder if the entire story she told you was not complete bullsh1t. She sounds a heck of a lot younger than you are.
Her fear of being a single Mom or not having a father for her baby that she actually loved may have been too much for her to deal with. Every woman that terminates a pregnancy has a different reason for it. Your own illness may have frightened her, the fact that you pulled away and were having major anxiety attacks for 2 months due to a 'trauma' may have made her take a step back and wonder if the relationship was going anywhere or if you were capable of being there when she needed you. It sounds like it was all way too much for her to handle. Being with someone that has a mental illness no matter how common can be very traumatic for the partner.
I am sorry for your loss but your detective work may not necessarily be 100% right. In the future have better protected sex, communicate your beliefs, needs and history better with the women you are sleeping with and don't believe everything a flatmate says. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 3:01:12 AM | carolann0308
I think you have not read what I said ... my name is not Neil nor is hers Melissa okay.
The anxiety attack was just that she knew the situation I was just waiting to be treated. I am already getting better. Like most of the time we were together she had a great time and said that we had a great future. She introduced me to all her family and friends as I did her.
That was my baby she was not seeing anyone.
We decided to have a baby so why use protection?
She started seeing someone two weeks after she split up did not even grieve.
So please stop BSing your self too ... I had already told Melissa when we decided to try for a baby that I will support her no matter what happens and that is the case and always would be. I never intended to go anywhere but be with her and the fact that she was told by a health professional my anxiety can be treated and is not a long term things should have given her reassurance. Ok. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 3:22:44 AM | " So, that gives her the right to kill their baby? "
naeco, naeco, naeco.......there's always one do-gooder, isn't there......please don't get on your high horse.......her body......her CHOICE
Sheesh, if there's one thing i can't stand, its militant anti-abortionists..... | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:34:51 AM | | Op I am little confused. You say that she told you she had to go to the clinic to get a "curate" done, are you aware of what that is? I dont think she lied to you, I dont think you were listening to her or understood what was going on and that your relationship was on the outs before this went down YOU just werent aware of it. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 11:44:40 AM | OP, maybe Carolann's post sounded harsh, but I have to agree that the same thoughts crossed through my mind...First off, I am very sorry to hear about your loss, and the way it happened. It must have been doubly hard to bear in the vulnerable state you were/are in, due to the prior trauma you have been through, which I won't judge, becasue I have no idea what it was.
But Carolann did bring up some points I thought as well, such as Melissa's age, her flatmates maybe wanting to be "loyal" and not speaking of her private matters to anyone - including you, which in my eyes is understandable. I wouldn't want to be dragged into anything, or talk about something so deeply personal behind my flatmate's back. Even if I had a very good relationship with the person. I would also say: I have no idea. Everythings been fine in my eyes, she didn't tell me anything.
It's none of my business, and unless she makes it mine(and I accept), it stays none of my business.
The length of your relationship with Melissa - I mean you were seriousy ill for two whole months, per your own admission - if your relationship went a year, that would still be a long time, for a 'fresh relationship'... and Melissa, if asked may have noticed your symptoms for longer than two months.
So we have two people that didn't know each other very well, one of them is probably a little self-absorbed and possibly high maintenance through no fault of his own, the other partner seems younger, and lives with flatmates, and becomes pregnant. Hmmm... I'm not looking to blame here, but maybe by everyone analysing it from different perspectives you can get an insight into what really may have happened, and that much of it had little to do with you personally, but circumstances and conflicting viewpoints, goals, and personalities.
Maybe she didn't tell you, because she didn't want to burden you firther. Maybe she didn't want to deal with it herself, and just got it done and over with, and then tried to forget. There are many maybe's, but I think what you should keep in mind is that it wasn't your fault, or hers, and that life just happens. People make the best decisions they can, based on the knowledge they have at that moment in time. No one can ever know it all. So we all make irrational decisions, make mistakes. Feel like idiots, when we find out more than we knew then.
It's what you take away from the experience and how you handle it that shows who and what you are, but not the experience itself.
Good luck, and many blessings to you ~ | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 2:14:24 PM | Thanks for all the replies gives me a different way to look at things.
The bottom line was that I saw two children being crushed by a train a year ago thought that I was ok I pass the tracks everyday to go out of town there is no other way out of town. My anxiety and now what is called post traumatic stress is being treated.
I could not talk about what happened for a while. I have moved away from the small town and now live in a city so I am at last getting the treatment I did not get in the small town.
Melissa was very happy with me in fact she found me to be very caring, loving and supportive, I stopped being that when the PTS kicked in and I went in a world of my own. Moving away from the town got rid of the stress and memories so I thought but it did not, they just got repressed.
I still love her and have forgiven her, could not have been easy for her. I just wish we can talk so that I can support her and help her, the decision must have been very hard for her. She lost the man she met but that man is coming back.
I love children and most of all I love Melissa. I have found the crushed children and the loss of Melissa very hard to cope with but I will get there. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 8:11:08 PM | Op try not to be too hard on yourself, we live in a dark world for the time being and until that changes there is nothing else that you can do. My advice is to avoid women like this in the future by screening their morals in the beginning (bringing up topics regarding morals,abortion,sex,etc.) Don't settle for some femanist who will murder your child. I mean you can't always predict these things because some women could easily change their minds, and etc. But it's still good to at least try and avoid those kinds of women, and yes you kinds of women can flame me all you want because I have had it up to here !!--- with your kind in my country all over the place like a plague on society.
naeco, naeco, naeco.......there's always one do-gooder, isn't there......please don't get on your high horse.......her body......her CHOICE
Sheesh, if there's one thing i can't stand, its militant anti-abortionists.....
Man..I can't stand you pro choice people, completely irrational and illogical since you wouldn't be here today if your parents aborted you. And yeah.. I am actually scared for you people because of some modern day propecies due to happen very soon. | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:09:28 PM | Blueguy, I'm just thankful that at least these days we HAVE a choice.....my parents generation never did.....why would it bother me if I'm here or not. I don't dwell on what MIGHT have happened 38 years ago.....I'm here today, and thats all the matters.
Oh dear.....prophecies?? thats funny  thank god i don't believe in that crap either.
Thank you blueguy for providing me with some entertainment this afternoon | |
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| Lies, deception and abortion not a miscarriage
Posted: 1/9/2008 11:23:18 PM | | I can not tell you why this woman aborted the baby. I guess she wanted to use abortion as a form or birth control. I do not agree with a woman killing something so special, because she wants birth control. I was raised, if you have sex like a adult, then you need to take on the responsibility for those actions. Only forms of abortions I can even agree with, Is if the baby will kill the mother, or the child is product of rape. One person should not have the power over life and death.... And to a unborn child. Sorry jellybean.. you have no logical excuse for such actions. A woman can not say her body her choice. Then men will have to say thier sperm thier choice.... if they want a woman to abort... and she does not want to. | |
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