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| | Another question for the moms...Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Okay, this is a tough situation to explain.
To begin with, I work full time and part time (when needed). My wife stays at home with the children. Both of which are under the age of four.
I will begin this by giving some examples:
1. I will come home from work and say: "...I am going to have something to eat and then I will play with the children...". She will respond (to the effect of): "...you sit down and have dinner. All I had time for today was (some microwavable meal). I have been on the go all day, blah blah blah. But you go ahead and have some dinner...".
2. If I am sick or tired and want to take a nap she will respond: "...your tired. I have been on my feet all day. From the time I woke up until the time you came home. I have been chasing the kids around cleaning up after them, cleaning the house, doing bills, planting trees, blah blah blah. That is okay, you go lay down, I have all the energy in the world..."
3. If I want to go out with my friends, her typical response will be: "...Go, you go have fun with your friends. I will just stay home and watch the kids. After all, why should I be allowed to go out and have fun. Blah blah blah..."
There are some other issues, but, my head hurts.
My question to the moms would be:
1. I put in an eight hour day, with about an hour of travel each way. Can you truly be that busy EVERY day that you can not take even one half of an hour to have some lunch. How do working mothers cope. Remember she does not work. I ask because I am afraid of what will happen when she does return to work. The point is that when I watch the children for a day, I get SOME things done and make sure that I take care of the children and myself. I am then, obviously, accused of being lazy.
2. My wife has a sleep disorder. However, she will not go to the doctor. Anywho, it has progressed to the point that I will now NEVER admit to her that I am tired. There are times when I will take the kids downstairs and let her go upstairs to bed to get some rest. This NEVER works. As soon as things get a little rowdy, she comes downstairs: "...what is going on down here. Why is the baby crying...??? You know, why can't I have five minutes to myself, EVER...??? Can't you keep them quiet for five minutes...". If I take the kids out, instead of napping she will do yard work or some chores. And yes, she will then complain about lack of sleep later.
3. I would like to visit my friends but I can not. Because my wife never has the opportunity. I will almost beg her to go out and I will stay home with the kids. She is ALWAYS HOME, except for the two or three hours she goes shopping. Now that it is winter, we are trapped indoors together. She will not go out because she has "too much to do", and I can not go out because she does not. Well, I could, but, the aftermath would not be pretty. I NEVER have time alone with the kids (and she micromanages my parenting skills) and I never have ME time.
Is this normal...??? Does the above even make sense? Also, take the above with a grain of salt as the perspective may be slanted as I am the one relating the information to you. However, these things do happen frequently.
I am going to go now, I have a headache. It might be a tumor.
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:40:55 AM | I can see both sides of this issue...we have all heard them at one time or another...particularly if we have been married and are raising children.
What you guys need is a marriage counselor...a professional to help you balance
your needs and those of your children and family.
Resentments build up...and without some mutual agreements or understandings...
this will not end well.
What you will get here are personal insights that may or may not work for you.
on the other hand...POF is a perfect place to vent...and to feel that someone is at least
listening to you.
Good Luck...I wish you well....and I hope things work out for you. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:44:06 AM | I read a few years ago that Stay At Home mothers have the highest rate of depression. I have young kids, I do not stay home, I work full time. I can tell you my weekends are harder than my work days. Being with the kids full time all day is exhausting.
It sounds like she's having a lot of trouble relaxing and you are feeling the repercussions of that. You say she isn't sleeping and will do yard work while tired? Any chance she's manic? | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:07:24 AM | | OMG vent more about your woman. Seriously man, if you're gonna **** about every little thing that bothers you about her, dont be with her! Go see dr.phil or something, because you're wayyy too whinney. | |
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LWK
| | Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 5 | |
| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:14:41 AM | No . I'll address each of the first 3 scene's you described.
1. I will come home from work and say: "...I am going to have something to eat and then I will play with the children...". She will respond (to the effect of): "...you sit down and have dinner. All I had time for today was (some microwavable meal). I have been on the go all day, blah blah blah. But you go ahead and have some dinner...".
So she is saying that even tho the children had to be fed at least breakfast and lunch while you were gone she couldn't manage to sit down and have these meals with them?
That's either a lie or lame excuse at best.
2. If I am sick or tired and want to take a nap she will respond: "...your tired. I have been on my feet all day. From the time I woke up until the time you came home. I have been chasing the kids around cleaning up after them, cleaning the house, doing bills, planting trees, blah blah blah. That is okay, you go lay down, I have all the energy in the world..."
So these children who are under 5 years old don't take a nap during the day? I find that hard to believe .
3. If I want to go out with my friends, her typical response will be: "...Go, you go have fun with your friends. I will just stay home and watch the kids. After all, why should I be allowed to go out and have fun. Blah blah blah..."
This is an "oh poor me" attitude. Does she even have any friends to go see or do stuff with ? And if she does what is stopping her during the day from taking the kids along or getting a sitter for a few hours and doing what she wants to do?
I raised my three children while working full time because we needed my income to maintain our house. But he always told me that if he got a job that paid well enough to take care of house payments etc. that I could stay home and raise the children.
Well when my youngest was 4 years old he did get one that was good enough, but he wasn't willing to give up my income since it now made us very well off.
Your wife has the opportunity to raise her own. I sure wouldn't have been complaining if I had that chance myself. She needs to realize just how lucky she is to be home for their first formative years and be grateful for it .
JMHO
LWK | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:21:15 AM | disregard the unhelpful comment from Mr. burgendy, OP.
I agree that you do need to seek counseling with your wife. Yes, staying at home with the kids (especially more than one, or very young kids) is exhausting work. It sounds to me like your wife is overwhelmed and may be depressed or have other problems besides the sleep disorder - by the way, I hear that those are exhausting as well.
Please encourage her to go with you to counseling to help improve things between you before it is too late. If you approach it in a loving way, stating that you want to have the best relationship possible and support each other, she will hopefully see your good intentions.
Seems like she may need individual counseling to help her understand why she doesn't want to treat her disorder, and to help her cope with it, but I think that may be more difficult for you to talk her into. She might see that as you attacking her or saying there is something "wrong" with her. Best to get into marriage counseling, and I bet that counselor will suggest separate counseling anyway.
Good luck to you, hang in there and don't give up hope! | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:25:57 AM | Sounds like she has martyr syndrome, and is kind of putting a guilt trip on you. It`s hard when kids are little, very draining. If you can do it, can you each take one night a week to have as a free night, go out be with friends etc. Then a night together, you know a date night. I have read that these kinds of things are super important in a realtionship so you don`t get burned out and resentful. My husband and I never did those things. He left about 3 nights a week for activities (because he didn`t like taking care of the kids). I told him I needed to get away once in a while too. He told me then hire a sitter from my own money, and that watching the kids wasn`t his responsibilty.
( I also worked) When I told him that it didn`t seem fair, he said too bad, if you don`t like it get out, but you don`t have the balls to leave. Well he was wrong. Eventually I left him. I have never married again.
You both have to put effort into your relationship and figure out ways to make your life together pleasurable and fufilling or I guarantee it will deteriorate. If you just let it escalate it will turn into trouble. Actually, if things were good right now, you wouldn`t be venting on a dating site. But I understand. You are frustrated. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:29:39 AM | | i agree that she sounds depressed and that it would be helpful for you to get counseling together to figure out how to work out the prob's.. good luck | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:32:51 AM | She’s keeping you on a constant guilt trip, playing the ”hustled housewife” game, a ghost from the times when a woman with a house and a family actually HAD to keep it going for 12 hours a day.
I think you should look into getting some couples counselling or therapy. Games like that are devastating to a relationship and the one part is always kept in a “no win” situation. - Meaning: The worse you make her feel, the better she feels about herself, or vice versa. You can’t get it right. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:31:23 AM | You put in an 8-hour day; she puts in a 24-hour day. If you mess up at work, you --at worst-- get fired. If SHE messes up at work --at worst-- her kids die. Who has the more stressful job again? Who needs the break from the stress more?
She's telling you she's at the end of her rope, and, by your actions, you are saying you don't care. She can't just quit her job, you know--but you COULD step up to the plate and help her out more.
Do you not watch Wife Swap??? | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 11:53:55 AM | As a former stay at home mom to six...here is my take:
1. She has sort of slipped into the martyr situation. It isn't a decision she made willingly....it just happens. You have these little ones who no matter who is around, only want one thing...MOM. So even when you are offered the help, you usually turn it down, because you do not want anyone doing your job.
2. She is probably sleep deprived from the sleep disorder. This in turn makes her cranky.
3. She needs more time to herself. She is getting lost in who she is. It isn't any ONE thing that you are doing or she is doing...again...it just happens.
4. She can't sleep at night, and when she does, I am sure at least once a week one of the little ones wakes up with a nightmare or such, and thus the little sleep she might have gotten is gone. This gets old very fast.
5. To the woman who said that kids under 5 take naps...yes they might if you are lucky, but never at the same time. I don't care if you have 2 or 6...they aren't robots that will sleep when you tell them to.
6. Being a stay at home mom is exhausting.....just when you get one situation settled, two more pop up. For example..the baby had a really messy diaper, you put him/her in the tub, by the time you get them washed up you turn around and find the 3 and 4 yr old have decided to get themselves drinks from the fridge, and half of that gallon of milk you just bought yesterday, is now floating underneath the stove. Once you get that cleaned up, you find 3 more messes. It is a never ending cycle. Even the most organized and competent parent is going to get burnt out.
Try and get your wife to seek counseling. At minimum. And she should try to find something outside the home that she can do, maybe once a week or so. Something that she can enjoy without the kids and you. But in order for her to do that, you have to be willing to take some gruff....you won't do things just the way she does, but in time she will get used to that.
Good luck to you | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:01:47 PM | Yes, this is absolutey common - the whole thing every word. You both need to get some help.
"Remember she does not work."
That is your first mistake. She does not have paid employment.
Two under four? AND boys? Didn't you say earlier they were only a year apart? YIKES. You BET she never has a minute to sit down and is doing everything for everyone. This is a VERY tough time for you both and will not get better for a few years. If the kids are up at night or early morning, who is with them? you or her?
No, she DOES NOT have half an hour to herself for lunch.
She is probably burned out and she probably thinks its easier for her to do everything. what reactions are you sending to her? She sounds like she is overcontroling everything because she feels everything is out of control.
First, have you ever stayed home with both kids for a whole day? Or even a week? My Xs eyes POPPED open when he did and realized that he was NOT going to be sitting on the deck sipping coffee at 11 AND he stated that no one could PAY him to do what I did.
There is a great story about how a husband comes home and the the enitre house is a wreck - I mean TOTAL disaster - dishes, sand all over the house, jelly smeared everywhere, broken lamp, laundry piled up, toys everywhere....and wife is reading in bed. Husband asks what did you do all day? She says, you know how you say it looks like I don't do anything all day? Well, today I didn't!
Imagine dealing with your worst boss ALL day, with NO break and someone always wanting you, and crying , whining (irrational) and NEVER being alone when you go to the bathroom and I guanantee that she does NOT get any time off for lunch. This is her life. The emtional input is SO draining and with boy toddlers - OMG too much energy and climbing, running. You feel that ANY mistake you make is going to make your children grow up to be axe murderers.
So suggestions -
Get help - counseling both of you, a maid for a bit, take out dinner once a week, paper plates.
Go out - BOTH of you need to go out together - hire a babysitter - at least once a month
I cooked dinner at 10am - nothing fancy, and would reheat it, as it was the only time I had a free minute. Going out with two toddlers is like d-day invasion. And even if you do it quicker, she is probably worn out - cooped up in the house....
What kind of supports does she have? Does she have freinds, playgroups, parenting support groups? She probably hasn't had a decent nights sleep in 5 years (count pregnancy too). She is probably drained, overwhelmed and sensitized. TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS. She probably feels guilty that she is not supermom. She needs help - probably is depressed and love and support from you.
Everytime you go out with the guys, she should go out with the girls. But don't do just my time/your time. You both need time together. This is the really rough part and many families do not survive it.
Salary.com estimated that to PAY a full-time stay-at-home mom would be over $186,000!!!!! And "housewife" is the MOST stressful job due to repectiveness, no sense of accomplishment (always washing dishes) and LACK of respect.
How do you feel after being with your children for the afternoon - try a WHOLE WEEKEND and make her go away. Put her in a spa, drive her there, drop her off. Pay for services in advance.
Careful - are you sending signals that you would rather be alone with the kids than out with her? Been there, done that. My X would rather send me alone out shopping ($) than hire a babysitter ($) and go out WITH me to dinner or a movie. THEN he complained I was buying crap ($) and walked out. An ounce of prevention....
When was the last time you two had FUN together? I wish you luck. This sounds too familiar. One day, my X walked out on both me and our children - said he "wanted his life back" - duel income no kids. Read the posts about single parents. Parenting is 24/7 for BOTH.
Good luck. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:14:14 PM | Hi There,
I understand things I guess from your wifes perspective a little and agree with the comment that a mum can lose herself in the role. I like to think in life we play many roles...wife, mother, friend ,sister...etc......it is so important not to lose that part of you that is an individual and that occasionally you can still do things purely for yourself. As a parent ,and without sounding sexist it tends to be mums, we feel guilty for taking a little time out for us like we're being selfish......but take it from someone who's marriage no longer exsists, if left, this has the ability to destroy a marriage....My husband was a little worse than you I think, it sounds like you are putting in effort..If I went for a rest my ex would sit and watch tv and if the kids wanted something they didn't even ask him they came and woke me up...
Your wife is seeing you going to work as your "me time" . I know you probably don't see it that way, but because you are in an adult environment, and can have the odd age related conversation, too her it counts....
Two things I can suggest: We tried on a Saturday too give each other time out to do whatever we wanted.....I would leave the house at 8am.....go and do what ever was my hearts desire without being in earshot of my children and allowing my husband to parent on his own. Then I would tag team with him and he would go out from 12.30 till 5 and catch up with mates and do his own thing....But you both MUST leave the house so there is no risk of the parenting over the shoulder etc...
The other and....not that I agree with everything this man says or does...nor do I watch his show..But my mum gave me "relationship rescue" by Dr Phil.....It was very good and helped me look internally, and as he says in the book maybe the end result is you leave the relationship because some things just are not fixable...
Your children are young, but not that young that they will not notice the tension between mummy and daddy. Break ups are hard, not that I think you should do this. But for me personally, with two young daughters that will eventually look to my life and what I have done it would be harder for me to explain that I had stayed with a man just because it was the right thing to do and not because I was happy.
Bottom line I looked at my husband six years after I had fallen out of love with him and thought HE doesn't deserve this....We all have one life to live, and he has the right to be with someone who thinks hes the greatest thing and loves him. He has gone on to find that and I couldn't be happier for him...
Maybe a little off track....sorry.....but Good Luck... | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:16:34 PM | Just a quick comment cos Im off to work *lol*...and will come back to this later.
Imagine dealing with your worst boss ALL day, with NO break and someone always wanting you, and crying , whining and NEVER being alone when you go to the bathroom and I guanantee that she does NOT get any time off for lunch
^^^ THIS is the magic statement.
I think people have become desensitized or just have absolutely no clue....to the term that being a stay at home mum is a 24 hr, 7 day a week job.
Often men (am qualifying this due to the OP)...dont really understand this concept.
You can look after a child/ren for a coupla hours...a day...even a coupla days and think its easy and you're a hero cos you did it a coupla times...but you will never understand being at work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 5 plus YEARS with little to no interaction with other adults & absolutely no breaks, until you do it yourself.
Now obviously there's more to this than just her side...which is why I will come back to this later. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:24:46 PM | Super advice here
No, it's NOT your FAULT, yes... it is your responsibility.
Parenting toddlers is exhausting.. and it's also the time when a lot of marriages go down the drain. This is the time to make a commitment to each other to handle this stuff together. Yes... get a babysitter so she has a few hours to herself each week, AND you both have some time together. THIS IS VITAL. You both need to make your relationship a priority.
Weekends... She needs an afternoon off.. out of the house, without the kids. Preferably with a friend, or doing something for herself (a class or something, exercise would be good and would help with the sleep and depression)
If you came home and took the kids off her hands for a half-hour... not to go to sleep, but going for a walk, or having bath is better (she needs to turn off the "mommy radar" for a bit... but you both have to agree that she is NOT to listen in and take over when you are watching your kids. You both have to sit down and agree that she needs to trust you to watch them... and she needs to take some time for herself. Allowing you to be a father, and have some authority and autonomy as a parent is important also, otherwise you are relegated to the "provider" instead of a partner in parenting. She needs to remember that her identity as a mother is only PART of who she is.. she is also a friend, a daughter, a woman, and a wife... if she doesn't nurture these parts also she will regret it later... because the kids will grow up and they won't need her as much. Then what is she going to do?
Once a week or so you both need to order in.. then she doesn't have to cook EVERY SINGLE DAY. It gets boring and tiring to plan meals every day. Taking toddlers out is NOT relaxing.
Counselling...NOW, for both of you. If you love her you really need to stop going in this direction as a family... this is a recipe for disaster.
Good luck...oh and you might find great advice if you post these things in the single parents forum. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:32:29 PM | | Tell her to suck it up! Ask her if she ever imagined having to earn the money, raise the children, and do all the housework all by herself! Oh- and lets throw going to school full time in there. I swear, people can be such pusses. Man, I wish I had someone that came home everyday just to listen to me bytch. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 1:37:33 PM | Just another thought - my 4 year old son (oldest) was SO whiney and cranky that BOTH of us could not wait for pre-school to start EVERY DAY. Oh that was a tough year. My daughter was 2 1/2, "the terrible twos" tantruming over EVERYTHING - "I can't do it or I want it". At 3 the tantrums become emotional - "I'm crying also because I'm frustrated". Then the older one see's the younger one getting attention and either starts crying or breaks something. Then the phone rings....they start to out scream each other...
Ah, yes, the good ol' days!
PS - can you try and eat dinner together? | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 2:50:49 PM |
1. I will come home from work and say: "...I am going to have something to eat and then I will play with the children...".
How about switching off with each other every other day and playing with the children and taking turns eating first? Better yet, figure out why you are not able to train your entire family to sit at the table as a unit.
Everything that you've mentioned is normal. What she's screaming is that she does not feel appreciated or valued. And from your OP, it sounds like she's right.
My ex used to be a d1ck about what I did all day when I stayed home to parent our daughter. "What did you do all day?" was the second thing out of his mouth after "What's for dinner?"
I got so tired of it. SERIOUSLY tired of it.
I spent one day when she was about a year old marking down every single task, no matter how minute, on a sheet of paper — along with the exact time that it was undertaken and then completed. When she went for a nap and I picked up the half acre of toys, cleaned up after her snack mess, did some laundry — I wrote down every damned thing. If I sat down, I wrote that down too.
There were two pages at the end of the day when he came home to plant his ass at the table for his dinner.
He STILL didn't get it. I left him when she was 2. He had agreed to me being a stay at home mom if we had a child, and then was reneging on the deal by continuing to belittle me.
I was outta there.
I still had to do everything I had to — except cook for HIM or do HIS laundry or listen to HIM put me down. Without having to look after him as well, I actually had more time for myself and started a business from my home — thereby completing my mission to be home for the first five years of her life. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:03:39 PM | Couple people mentioned that the wife has a "martyr" thing going... I agree... and I'll go a step further and say the husband is doing a "victim" thing...
If you want it to change, complaining about it or finding people to take your side will make NO DIFFERENCE. You chose to get married and have kids... you chose the life you have right now... your wife doesn't "make" you do anything - you simply choose to react in the way you have (which screams "victim" to me... believe me, I know... I do the same thing).
So choose something else. Choose to tell her that this isn't working and that you both need to find something that does. Coming to the Forums and asking people about it isn't going to make a difference ... it'll only make you pissed off or smug, depending on the post.
Take some action, k? | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:06:11 PM |
How do working mothers cope. Quite easily... I've always found that work is a break from home, and home is a break from work... and yup, I've been too busy many days to have lunch or dinner or whatever; if it happens too often over a short period of time, I make up for it by making a huge Sunday dinner...
And yes, she will then complain about lack of sleep later. Does the phrase: Suck it up Princess work when you respond with that?
She will not go out because she has "too much to do", and I can not go out because she does not. Try this phrase: Gee honey... it really sucks that you can't join us on guy's poker night.
*Best if used when at a pay phone or from your cell*
Does the above even make sense? Yuppers, and they have meds that will take care of that...
I am going to go now, I have a headache. It might be a tumor. Good luck with that... perhaps you should see a doctor...
Cheers... | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:28:00 PM | I agree with others that it's time a third party stepped in, and you both received counseling.
In the meantime...when's the last time you and your wife had a "date night?" Just the two of you, going out and relaxing, or going away for a romantic weekend? Aren't there any relatives who can take the kids for a day or two, or can't you hire a babysitter? It sounds to me you both are too wrapped up in your own individual lives and have forgotten about the life you share together. You should set aside some time where it's just the two of you, without all the stresses of children and work and get to know each other again.
And counseling....DEFINITELY counseling. | |
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nogo3
| | Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 23 | |
| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:49:51 PM | hey op, i bet she is on the computer all day doing the same thing you are doing on here.
lots of girls doing that, its nothing do, girls gotta have fun to.
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 4:07:03 PM | OP, first of all, I have serious issues with "I can't go out because she doesn't." That is a choice that SHE made. I absolutely despise when one adult says to another "you can't." That drives me absolutely nuts! If she CHOOSES to stay home because she has too much to do, even though you've given her every opportunity to get out of the house, that is HER problem. You are not responsible for HER actions; you are responsible for yours. And you, as an adult, should be able to stand up to her and go visit your friends if you'd like to.
I also agree with the other posters, that you may want to give counseling a try. However, if she doesn't think she has a problem, counseling won't help, and it sure sounds like she points the finger a lot instead of looking in the mirror. I work full time and I'm a single mom - I manage, as do many others. Your wife needs to stop feeling sorry for herself (which she is doing) and start taking action, be it talking to you, getting out of the house, having a "date" with you, whatever, instead of sitting around, getting mentally exhausted and blaming you for her inactivity outside of the home. Just my opinion. | |
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| Another question for the moms...
Posted: 1/8/2008 6:04:55 PM | So this is your second thread about your wife. I am beginning to think you have sympathy syndrome and so does she. You both need help with your marriage and day to day life. Seems like you two lack working together in the household.
1. A woman is home all day taking care of kids and house. She feels she needs a break.
2. Man works all day, comes home and feels he needs a break.
3. Neither will ever see the other's side.
You two need to seek counseling on how to put some structure/balance in to your life and parenting. Otherwise, major resentment is going to keep building. | |
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