| | Separated from kidsPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | My son has been court ordered to a treatment center and I haven't been able to talk to him in 5 months, no communication even over Christmas. He turns 18 in a few months and I don't know when or if I'll ever talk to him again.
I'm wondering if other people have been separated from their kids and how do you handle it?
Thanks | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:12:06 AM | | You don’t really allude to what type of treatment he is undergoing, but chances are if the system has cut off contact between you, the bean counters think that he needs the time away to make best use of the program. Give it time, and take the time to consider how you may be able to help once contact can be resumed. If he is soon to be the age of majority then he will have a choice about what type of contact you will have. Chances are there is some sort of resentment, and he may want you to take responsibility for some of that. Maybe writing letters is an option, even if you can’t deliver them right away. At some point he will know that you have been thinking about him, and missing him. Best of luck. | |
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Posted: 1/9/2008 12:34:06 PM | Been there. I handled it by drowning myself in booze/weed which of course produced really screwed up results. I allowed my inability to handle the pain of not being with my kids to almost kill me, ruin one of the most beautiful relationships I've ever known, lose a home, and just become amazingly pathetic.
I had to come to a place of understanding that everything is perfectly imperfect and just allow it to be as what I was doing was producing nothing but more pain and not helping anybody. I had to get out of my own head.
In taking action to DO something about what your feeling I suggest you go out to a nursing home when you miss your son and give some love to some folks who really need it. | |
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Posted: 1/9/2008 1:56:53 PM | | If you can't talk to him, have you tried talking to the admin or counselors? They may be able to pass along something like "You mom called and just wants you to know she's thinking of you." At the same time, you can ask what you can do for him while he is there or what you can do when he is allowed to have someone visit. They also may be able to recommend something for you to help you with this awful time . | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 1/9/2008 2:38:08 PM |
You don’t really allude to what type of treatment he is undergoing,
It's a day program that was supposed to provide mental health treatment, family counselling and drug treatment. My son had been using, but his trouble with the law long preceded any drug use. He's currently only getting drug treatment, and the program has become residential not day treatment. Not a lot of family therapy going on either.
but chances are if the system has cut off contact between you, the bean counters think that he needs the time away to make best use of the program.
My son isn't being sentenced, this treatment is a condition of his release. The point in him going there was for mental health treatment and family counselling, no one thought he was a drug addict although he had been using. His other problems are larger.
I thought kids had a right to have access to their families? I've always been a good parent and never had any reason to be separated from the kids. I'm an only parent as well, his dad is deceased. I'm supposed to be in the program WITH my son, but my other son is autistic and can't participate, I won't remove my other son from the home so I've been terminated. It's a private facility, not ran by any gov't organization.
Give it time, and take the time to consider how you may be able to help once contact can be resumed.
It's been 5 months already ... That's less time than he would have gotten had he been incarcerated.
If he is soon to be the age of majority then he will have a choice about what type of contact you will have. Chances are there is some sort of resentment, and he may want you to take responsibility for some of that.
He will still need to attend the program as it's a condition of his release. No date of discharge.
We were on VERY good terms the last time I spoke to him. There were no resentments.
Maybe writing letters is an option, even if you can’t deliver them right away. At some point he will know that you have been thinking about him, and missing him. Best of luck.
Thank you,
They won't allow him to read his own mail. I've tried to go to the center to see him but the staff won't allow me or give me any good reason why I shouldn't be allowed contact with him. They've gone as far as to walk across the street and give me a "trespass notice" even though I wasn't even on their property and they draw all blinds if they see my vehicle so I can't even SEE my son through the window.
If I'm signed as surety on his release papers and I'm his guardian not to mention mother and significant family figure, I should at least be able to know his whereabouts, that he's actually there and doing ok.
I haven't gotten so much as an update on his progress over 5 months. | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 1/9/2008 3:04:40 PM | | Contact a lawyer. That's my sole and only advice. Going along the way you have been is just going to get YOU tied up in "the system." | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 1/9/2008 4:58:49 PM | My poor girl,
If things are as you describe, it sounds more like a cult than a rehab program. I agree that getting a lawyer is a good plan. If lawyer bills are beyond your means, might I suggest you write a formal letter of complaint to the court that placed him there. Send copies to your government representitives at the federal, provincial, and municipal levels as well. Unless you have been proven a bad influence, I don't think it is legal for them to withhold information about his progress. Make some inquiries with Child Protection Services to see if they can check that he is in a safe environment. | |
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Posted: 1/11/2008 10:35:06 AM | Thanks again!
I've contacted lawyers, the criminal lawyers say I need a family lawyer and the family lawyers say I need a criminal lawyer because this revolves around my son's criminal matters. No one seems able or are willing to touch it. Some admittedly have no idea how to handle it. One was interested but wanted a $10,000 retainer, another wanted a $3,000 retainer. I've contacted probably everyone and every agency you could think of.
Children's Services state they can't get involved because they protect kids who are at risk of being harmed in their own home, not in a treatment center. They said it's not their jurisdiction. They said if he's in a treatment center the onus is upon me, or if he's court ordered the onus is on the judicial system. The Minister of Justice can't do anything because he wasn't sentenced to the program. He's only there for mandated treatment. The Children's Advocate also said they can't help as he's not a child welfare client. The program isn't affiliated with AADAC, Alberta Health and Wellness or the Calgary Health Region so none of them can help either.
The program is literally accountable to no one.
Police also refuse to be involved because my son is court ordered into the program.
My son's lawyer raised concerns about my son in court and a couple of days later he received a letter (apparently from my son) firing him. The program provided a new lawyer for my son who has been representing other clients from there for over 15 yrs. The new lawyer refuses to provide me with any information, and seems to be taking instruction from the program and not my son. | |
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Posted: 1/11/2008 1:34:40 PM | | I don't understand the difference between "Court Ordered" and "Sentenced". | |
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Posted: 1/12/2008 7:53:25 AM | It's like if you appear in court on a charge, the court releases you to someone's custody, but you need to go back later for "sentencing". It's like being out on bail basically, but there are conditions of the release, that is the court order.
Later, when he's done at the program he still needs to go back to court to be sentenced for the crime. So sentenced to 3 months in jail or pay a fine or something like that. His sentence will be lighter after attending the program.
What I find crazy about all that is if he had just been sentenced, and no mention of the program, he would have been out by now. | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 1/12/2008 1:55:16 PM | In most places:
Court ordered = anything instructed by a judge. A judge can order someone to get a job. Or make a repair within 14 days. Or return a car to family member. Etc etc. Can be done in family court, small claims court, criminal court, etc.
Sentenced = handed a punishment or penalty prescribed in a criminal prosecution after a guilty verdict, depending on the severity and interpretation of the crime. | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 1/12/2008 2:53:52 PM | | So then, proper procedure would still be, writing a letter to the ordering judge or court, stating the concern and including a list of government representitive to which you are sending copies. | |
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Posted: 1/12/2008 3:38:58 PM | Send a non-related informant to the door to check out the facility for their loved one??
Write to the media and draw some attention to your cause? | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 1/12/2008 10:38:16 PM | CyndnGirl,
I don't care who ordered your child to treatment you are still his mom and entitled to see him.
If you can prove you are his mother and your parental rights have not been removed then I'd phone the police next time you try to see your child and are refused the right to do so.
I know of no court ordered treatment facilities for juveniles that restrict parent involvement. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2008 7:02:16 PM | Thank you so much everyone! I appreciate your input! I will try these things.
It's not right to keep a good and supportive parent from talking to their kids! I'm sure he needs me more now than ever. | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 2/26/2008 6:37:56 AM | Well my son had court yesterday.
I'm so heartbroken it's difficult to breath.
My son is 100% convinced that his entire life was a lie, everything he's done, everything he's ever said and everything he's ever thought.
He is completely disconnecting from the past. The courts dropped his only drug related offence so he will be able to travel to the US to take addictions education when he's done here with the program (They don't have schools here? Interesting all the staff from these programs seem to get their education from a specific school in the states that is correspondence).
I was completely unprepared for court, I didn't expect to speak, as my presence hasn't been acknowledged in the last few hearings. Yet, yesterday I was bowled over with information I had provided the crown way back in September and it was taken out of context and used to make me look as bad as possible, as if my relationship has not been severed bad enough with my son. I really could have used a lawyer in my corner.
My son has now been sentenced to do his time in the community. He stated he has no where to live when he's done treatment and the judge decided he will only be allowed to live where approved by the AARC program.
I have always been considered an excellent parent, Children's Services have not been involved such as taking my son away from me or losing custody.
Thanks to the Alberta Gov't, the Justice system in particular, and excellent brainwashing by the AARC program, I have successfully lost my eldest child, and probably my future grandchildren.
At this point I don't really ever expect to hear from him.
The Alberta Adolescent Recovery Center, Calgary, Alberta. Destroying lives, one family at a time. | |
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Posted: 2/26/2008 3:31:11 PM | I don't really post at all on the forums here, but I felt I had to sound off on this particular thread as it's close to home for me.
Long story short: My 4 year old Daughter lives with her mother full time. In 2006 the two of them moved to the Southern US, permanently. It was my choice for her to live with her Mom. After all, Mother is God in the eyes of a child.
I got to physically see my little one 13 days last year. Once for 9 Days, once for 5 Days.
It's an awful way for someone to live, and it's SO hard to deal with. The few ways I've learned to deal with it is a combination of prescription drugs, getting hammered on occasion to the state of me being a puddle on the floor, and repeating that Mother is God in the eyes of a child; over and over and over, like a mantra.
I think at some point, you have to realize that you're your childs parent. That won't change. No matter how far apart you are forced to be from them, you're still their parent, and you love them unconditionally and without question. If you're son is 17 going on 18, he knows this. Take solace in that. He'll return to you. | |
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Posted: 3/5/2008 11:02:55 AM | I've been working for 15 years in family law in Edmonton.
Contact me. | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 7:14:04 PM | Just checking in. It's been 9 months and a week now, and it doesn't get any easier.
My son turned 18 last month, and I couldn't see him then either. His grandmother got in to see him recently, but they still won't allow me, and there's nothing I can do now that he's 18. The program will only tell me "obviously he can't see you until after he graduates (the program)". I don't understand this, they'll let his grandmother go in for a short supervised visit, but not his mother?
I have done nothing wrong in this, the only thing I did was not allow my other child to participate because he's autistic and it was proving to be detrimental to him. No way I can remove him from the home... where would he go?
My son has recently been sentenced and is required to remain with the program for another two YEARS!!!!
How do I cope with this? | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 11:17:42 PM | | That's a great idea about going to a nursing home to help others!!I have been thinking about that since my wife took my 2 girls away just cause she found someone better on facebook.There is a nursing home just up the street and every day i pass it i think,must be someone so lonely in there that they could use a friend to talk too.Might just do that tomorrow.Have a good one. | |
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Posted: 7/14/2008 6:11:55 AM | | i know that feeling being separated from kids my son is 10 he has been in foster care for 2 years now and he cant come home until he is 16 im not going into to much detail | |
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Posted: 3/6/2010 9:54:46 PM | This summer will be three years since we were involved with the AARC program in Calgary, Alberta.
Two years since my son graduated and left. He hasn't looked back and is trying to carry on with his life.
He could have left after turning 18 in April of that year, but was held there via court order until AARC decided he could leave.
So much has happened since. Most of all we have been able to talk to each other.
Some things that were revealed:
- youth in the program are denied access to their own parents and family whether the family is involved in the program or not. After a period of time of no contact at all, any contact is strictly supervised. The program later decides when the youth are ready or when it is safe to allow unrestricted contact with the family.
- Generally parents have the option to remove their child if they so wish if the child is a minor, but in our case my child was ordered to stay by a youth provincial court judge whose own husband is a doctor who is/was on the program's board of directors and whose family has had a long standing relationship with the program spanning two decades.
At the time we were involved the judge's husband was not currently on the board, but had been in the past. At the time we were involved the judges husband was the physician the clients were brought to for examinations etc., It has come to my attention that after my son graduated the judge's husband returned to being a board member. I am unsure at the time of this post as to whether the doctor is currently seeing AARC clients or if he's a current board member, or both. They both attended my son's "graduation" ceremony at AARC as "special guests".
- As in our case, if the youth is ordered to this program with permission from the parents and that permission is withdrawn in court, the youth could be returned to the program with NO legal recourse by the parents. This is done with no medical consultation, and with no involvement from children's services. This can and does happen even though parental permission was/is required for a minor to attend the program. This can and does happen even though the parents may not have actually given informed consent, for they will not understand the program until they have been in the program.
Once experiencing the program, the parent may decide they are unhappy with the arrangement, or may be concerned for the health and safety of their child and may wish to pull their child out. But at that point it is too late because the judge could decide to send the youth back without the parent's consent. Should this happen, the parent can and will lose the ability to exercise their own parental rights. They will have no legal recourse.
The reason there is no legal recourse is because this action is handled in the youth provincial court and is the youth's case, not the parent's case. Criminal lawyers can represent the youth in court, but not the parents. Family lawyers can not get involved because it's not a family court and is not their jurisdiction. And there is no chain of accountability through the Ministry of Justice because they do not mandate or oversee the program in question. The program can not even be held legally responsible for any medical negligence because the program is not recognized as a health care facility and/or governed by the ministry of health and wellness. Again, not their jurisdiction. No one's jurisdiction.
- While in treatment clients are not allowed to see their own physicians, therapists, or other health care professionals. Clients are not even allowed to follow up on dental care, including emergencies, until the 4th level of treatment, which can take months to years.
At least two youth that I'm aware of (one suffering irreversible damage) suffered, and were denied care.
One youth was in excruciating pain and his teeth rotted past the nerve and to beyond the point of pain. Eventually, it no longer hurt. His complaints were met with being told to suck it up and being told that he is exhibiting attention seeking behaviour. After leaving the program his teeth crumbled and were eventually removed. He suffered.
My own son had impacted and emerging wisdom teeth. There was pain and there was a direct opening into his jaw and his surgeon worried it was a matter of time until infection could cause him to lose his jaw. Despite this, he was denied treatment and eventually had them removed in his fourth level of treatment. It was almost a year after he started the program.
The emerging teeth crowded his other teeth and they currently overlap, they will require expensive braces to correct the problem. This could have been avoided had the program allowed him dental care earlier on.
- Clients are entirely isolated from the community and everything they've ever known
- Clients have no access to an outside advocate, they have no avenue to report abuse, and they have no way to protect their human and civil rights.
Concerned parents can expect no intervention or investigation by the police (if they can't talk to their kid they can't know any abuse is happening) or by the ministry of childrens' services for the ministry protects youth from abuse in their own home, not in a program.
- clients have no access to media or material other than that related to and provided by the program
- these materials are developed by the program
- the youth in the program are in direct control and supervision of other youth in the program after as little as 2 months. (including overnight)
- male clients are generally overseen by other male clients, but on occasion male clients will over see female clients in and out of the host homes if there are no current female clients available to have a host home.
- youth are locked in the bedrooms of other youth in the program - and the entire household becomes an extension of the program.
- because these "host homes" are private residences they are not required to abide by fire codes, or licensing requirements as are other foster homes or youth care facilities - the program avoids all responsibility and accountability that would normally go along with being a residential facility. When a client is brought to these host homes each night by other AARC parents it is basically a "sleep over at Johnny's house" and not considered residential care. This is the case even though the host home has to make significant changes, undergo inspections from and abide by a strict set of rules set and enforced by the AARC program. The families in the program are required to, and their participation in the program is dependent on, opening and operating their own host recovery home. It is not an option, it is a requirement. The families receive a "Recovery Home" package provided by the AARC, and is required to follow it to the letter. There is no criminal record check, or child welfare check and the home is not required to obtain any sort of license, yet they are housing and following the program for minors who are not their own. The AARC program still maintains that they are "day treatment" and "outpatient", and not residential in spite of this.
- The program claims to be "outpatient" and claims to provide "therapy" yet is not accountable to the standards set out in the Health Professions Act. Why?
- The program emphasizes having a school component. They have teachers employed by the Calgary Board of Education and if you look in the phone book under Board of Education you will find an entry for the AARC. They have received an award from the city for their school component.
Youth held in care as long as three years at this program did not receive what we would view as an education. I'm aware of youth who eventually made it into the classroom and believed they were receiving credits, only to find they did not receive credits and the work they did do is not recognized. Youth can and do suffer substantial educational delays, eventually unable to graduate at all because they didn't receive any study there until the last month or so of treatment. From what I've been told it is the norm for the program to withhold the right to go to class until close to the end of treatment.
- Parents of school age clients are required to complete a BASC questionnaire. Those of school age are all categorized as a "Severe behavioural problem", being of a "danger to themselves and others", and requiring "constant adult supervision". As such the students/clients receive special funding from the school board in addition to the regular funding allotted a high school student. All this funding is awarded for youth who are only spending a fraction of their year actually in the school component of the program.
- These same youth who have been deemed a danger to themselves and others and requiring constant adult supervision of their own are put in direct control of and are responsible for the care of other similarly categorized youth.
- The Christmas present and stocking I brought to the program were opened by senior staff. My son was given the shirt I bought him and told it belonged to the staff member. The stocking was emptied of it's contents and the contents were given to him. He was told it was a donation to the centre.
- My son was told I abandoned him. Part of the breaking down process was believing I had had enough of his behaviour and no longer wished to be a part of his life. He was told I was sick and if I cared whether he lived or died I would be in the program along his side, and there to support him. And since I wasn't there supporting him, I obviously didn't care if he lived or died.
- The entire effort I put forth to contact my son was explained to him as symptoms of how unhealthy I was. He was under the impression I was "stalking" him and trying to mess with him psychologically by periodically interfering with his "treatment".
- My son was not aware that the program expected his brother to attend one on one counselling sessions and according to other clients this is the prelude to bringing the sibling into care. My son was also not aware that the program expected me to remove his brother from the home if he didn't attend the program. He was under the belief that it was my intention all along to ditch him there, and leave.
Despite everything, former clients have told me we are the lucky ones. That my son will recover better and faster than those whose parents are still emeshed with AARC and under the belief the program is saving their child's life. Some clients that leave and try to live life independent of the program are rejected by their parents. It's a part of the program to disconnect from your child if they don't stay with the program even after graduation.
Many youth have lost their relationship with their own parents and siblings, and are completely on their own with no support. Former clients have reported to me that they publicly support AARC, and continue to attend groups and dinners, so they will not be banished and lose their family. There are others that to this day, are living a double life. It's the only way they can cope.
There is much, much more... but I think I've demonstrated enough to indicate there is a big problem.
It is hard to imagine that what has happened to our family can not be classified as criminal, and harder to imagine that there are NO standards or regulations or governmental support to prevent this kind of abuse from happening to youth and families in this day and age.
Thank you to those who took the time to read this. | |
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| Separated from kids
Posted: 3/7/2010 6:39:38 AM | That is wrong. Everything about that program is 100% wrong. Denying them health care should be illegal as well. They should be sued for some of the issues that have happened. For one, the child that is in excruciating pain and had his teeth crumble/removed. There has to be something that someone can do to fight this program.
I'm happy to hear that your son is out and you two are on good terms. It almost does sound like you guys are lucky. Especially since some people are still wrapped up in that system. | |
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