| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:37:44 PM | Hello, I thought I'd try and get some feedback from people on this site. I've seen things similar in the broken hearts category. I'm sorry because I know this is dating website. If I posted something on Craig's List I have no idea what I could expect to receive for responses.
My mother is dying as I type this note in my home of end stage Alzheimer's. At least the doctors think that is what is it but they will probably know for sure after an autopsy. I administer the medication and help to clean her daily. She started forgetting things at age 51 like how to get to a certain location or getting dressed. She is now 67 and has gone down hill all those years.
This has been very painful seeing a woman so vibrant and full of life that loved people just turn into this poor person in a hospital bed and turning skeletal now. We had a feeding tube put in and now the hospice nurses said to stop the feedings. My Dad and I feel like we are starving my mother to death now. I read all over the place that feeding tubes create more complications. I don't know if anyone has gone through a similar experience but seeing her deteriorate daily is so hard. In a way I want God to take her to stop the suffering I am seeing and then selfishly I want her to stay too. I keep asking myself what would my mother want at this time. I just want people to not forget my mom like she never existed on this earth.
I guess I just needed to vent a little. Thank you. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 7:56:53 PM | You will be in my prayers. My mother was hospitalized for pneumonia Jan 24, 2006. On Jan 31 they told her she had a tumor the size of an orange in her left lung. She went to hospice on Feb 2 and passed away on Feb 6. With my mother it was quick, but I empathize with you so. Her passing hurts as much today as the moment I heard her take her last breath.
Memorials are a good way to commemorate your mother's life. They don't necessarily have to be large endowments. My sister and I spent $500 to have an engraved brick placed in the memorial park managed by the hospice where my mom passed.
I wish I had a magic statement that would help. I am sorry to hear of your mother's illness. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 8:10:14 PM | There are truly no words to relieve one of their pain from loss. Time however, does heal. I lost my sister to Liver cancer at the tender age of 44 (on her birthday). All you can do is support them, and only after their suffering ends, does your healing begin.
Your comfort will come from knowing you've loved and supported her.
Take care.......
I too nursed my sister til her death ,and so I understand your pain....but the journey was so worth it for her as well as all of us. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 8:20:12 PM | There really is nothing to say, it all seems cliche. Just know that others understand that your loss is unique.
I lost my mother in 2006, it feels like yesterday.
Bless you both. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 8:36:10 PM | | I am so sorry for everything you are dealing with--its hard on everyone-I was with my mom and sister (42) and cherish the time with both of them--I have one adult child and because of so many decisions dealing with hospitalization and life support, I have a Living Will that is with my dearest friend where I live-they will notify my daughter, because she lives far away from me--they are like my family--it is a legal document with what I want and don't want--when I cannot make those decisions for myself--none of us know when that time is--It is so hard to have family make choices that seem too hard for us to carry out-Your mom will never be forgotten--she will always be in your heart and Gods arms--I will be praying for you and your family | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 8:46:33 PM | | I went through the same thing a couple years ago with my mother. She died of cancer. It was a very hard thing to witness. We brought her home and I stayed with her for three days before she died. It is a good thing you removed the feeding tube. It is natural for the body to shut down and not want nurishment when it is dying. The feeding tube just prolongs things and makes people nausiated. If the tube has been removed it is just a matter of days. Stay strong...it is all part of life...the way things are meant to be. For me it helps knowing that....I don't know why it helps ..but, it does. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 9:16:47 PM | When my husband came to the realization that there was no hope for recovery from his cancer I couldn't believe what he asked of me. He wanted to die at home. "Please", he said,"could you try to help me do that?" If not, he said he would understand, and go to the hostipal. We had just celebrated our 30th anniversary and in all those years I know we both did a lot of things for each other that we really didn't want to but did because of our devoted love for each other. He was always the stronger one, not me. How could I take care of him and watch him pass away? Some how, by the grace of God and help from the hospice home care nurses, family and friends and my pastor and his wife, I followed thru on his last request from me. Surrounded by only people who truly loved him, not a bunch of stranger, he went in peace and comfort in his own bed. Hard?? Oh yes!! But I am so very proud of myself that I did that! I have no regrets what so ever and I hope when it's my time comes, someone will do the same for me. I am not afraid to die but I am afraid to die alone. I'm pretty sure others feel the same way. We all want our love ones to "see us off" as we go to Jesus right?
You are in my prayers. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 9:33:02 PM | Oh you sweet Girl, my prayers be with you and your family.
I hear you pain. Sometimes you have to ask your heart what it tells you... One thing I know for myself as a mum to 3.5 kids is that I would NEVER want to be a burden. I would not want to just exist, but not be living.
You know your Mum best and she has raised you so well to take on all that you have for her.
Your Mum will not be forgotten, she has you to always keep her existance here.
Good luck,  | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 9:36:15 PM | | Your post is sad to read, but i'll give you an opinion to think of. The comment that your doctors dont know, or think the exsisting problem is Alzheimer's is unusual~ tho long term Steriods use will give the same indications. The feeding tube is just as it is told, to feed the body of what it needs to live. If you remove it, the body does go into a starvation mode thus causing it to die faster. Since the time is near that Hospice has begun there work, making a choice to speed up the finial outcome can cause you to have many feelings of regret down the road. The out come will be the same if you remove it or not... Love her with all your heart & I hope your choice will not be difficult to handle...God Bless your Family & Your Mother. ~Jr_Senator~ | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 9:51:34 PM | | First, I would like to tell you how sorry I am. I lost my mother this past September (She was very young, only 53) and I know how hard of a decision the feeding tube is for you, but please know that as of now your mother probably won't know the difference and continuing the feeding can cause complications, water in the lungs, severe bodily swelling. As your body naturally shuts down, it stops accepting the feedings anyways and when the body goes into starvation mode it actually acts as a natural pain suppressant for your body. Your brain numbs your body. I hope that this could be of some support for you. I am truly sorry to hear about this. I saw my mother very sick and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It will be a hard road ahead for you and your father. My dad has a had a difficult time with the loss of my mother. You will need you to be there for your father and your mother will always be looking down on you and would be eternally grateful if you can help your dad. Please don't feel selfish for wanting your mother to stay, no normal person wants their parents to go. Please know that no one will forget your mother, if she has the same compassion as you possess, she probably affected and touched many lives and people will forever be grateful for having the pleasure of her aquaintance. Most importantly you will always remember your mother. You have a tough road ahead of you and I will be keeping you and your mother in my prayers. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:12:40 PM | I feel for you. My own daughter passed away at 2 years old in hospice care. She too had a feeding tube. Hers was inserted into her tummy and she needed this to survive. Everybody has a destiny in life. Some shorter than others. Some people have great lives while others struggle and aren't so fortunate. I live in Canada so I guess the laws are a bit different. I didn't have a choice to stop her tube feeds. I did have a choice though when they took the breathing tube out and she couldn't breathe on her own, to not put it back down and let her go. There is always a risk with feeding tubes that you may aspirate and develop pneumonia but it's a chance you take to prolong life. Because your mother is alreay past the stage of knowing what she wants, I'd have to say leave it in God's hands. Try to enjoy the time with your mother that she has left and remember her for who she was not what she has become. Your mom will always have a special place in your heart and she will forever live on in your memory. Whatever your decision I wish you strength and courage.
Lori | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:14:03 PM | it's a hard thing to do. watch someone you love slowly die. you have to think of the quality of life. i have been taking care of my parents for a while now so i know what you are going through. there is a new drug called lyrica? my dad is taking it and it seems to help. his sister had alzheimers for years and she had no quality of life. it was very sad. she was a great woman. if i was in that sistuation . i would just want to be let go.to see my dad who was once the life of the party. redueced to a man who can't remeber a joke and thinks he is a burdon on us. i tell him he will never be and we talk about all the great things he has done.we smile and walk everyday but i know he will not be here much longer. so the time we get to spend together is very pressious to me. i know it is hard to let go. you feel like you aren't doing the right thing.but i think she would understand. bring her home , spend as much time as you can . i shure she will feel all the love in your heart and the love around her.at least she will be with family when she goes. i think she will be in a better place soon. my heart and prayers go out to you and her. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:15:00 PM | | My mom died of cancer. I hear you. You are doing the right thing. Take care. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:16:02 PM | | OP ,my heart and prayers go out to you and others who have gone through losing a parent. Both of my parents succumbed to cancer and it was so hard seeing them waste away to nothing. As for the feeding tube, this is something that only gives comfort to the loved ones, because they think that nourishment will cause their loved one to thrive and "bounce back". My sister even crushed up vitamin pills to feed my mother in hope that vitamins would give her strength and vigor. We all want our parents around forever and it is so hard to let them go. This is when you can lean on God to give you comfort and strength. My your family give each other all of the love and support that you can. Nothing makes a parent happier than to know that the family is harmonious and loving, especially as they make their transition to their next life. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:17:41 PM | My Dad spent his last few months at home in 1990 and suffered quite a bit. I tried to spend as much time with him as I could and give Mom a much needed break. When it became clear to me that it was time for him to leave us, I called the ambulance and went with him to the hospital. He died a few hours later at the age of 67.
There's a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh and a time to cry. The world does not stop turning so we can take time out to catch our breath and deal with our loss, even if we wish it would, for just a little while. Nobody ever promised us that life would be fair, it is what it is. Cherish the fond memories, and in time, your heart will mend. I know, this is easier said than done, at the moment.
Pink | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/9/2008 10:52:54 PM | My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my heart is broken. I cannot begin to express the anguish I feel, and will continue to feel many years ahead. She is 64 and her symptoms began 5 years ago(59). She has been diagnosed with early onset alzheimers...so that means that this is just the beginning for me. I am watching my mother slowly die a cruel death...loosing her memory. I am loosing my mother...but I go through serious bouts of denial....like I still think she is going get better....but \i know this not to be true. My grief clouds my judgement and fills my heart with rage and sorrow at the same time. I don't know how I am going to live without her. She should be in a home...but I can't bring myself to shove her in a hospital room somewhere...I can't do it. My mother is still sane enough to know that she is loosing her memory and does not want to go to a home. I am not ready to betray her...but it makes my load very heavy. It's a lot of responsibility and \I am the only immediate family. I never dreamed in a million years that this would be my life at 37.
I know you must understand it all very well. I am sorry to hear about your mother, but it will be better for her to go. I only wish that my mother could be relieved of her pain...but we are looking for many years of suffering to come. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/10/2008 3:21:28 AM | In regards to the feeding tubes and the nurses telling you to stop them. I know it sounds wrong, but I learned this when my father passed on. You can't even give them water, only swabs, as it makes passing on more difficult. There is a book that was so helpful and I wished I'd had it at the time of my fathers passing and not after. I think it was what to expect when a loved one is dying.
I also learned that many people passing on don't actually want you to be there when it happens, and they wait for you to leave the room, even if only for a moment.
As a fellow caregiver to a loved one (I've been doing it 15 years now) I know what a gratifiying thankless job it can be. I've just spent 3 days up as they had the flu and can't walk or move much. I was afraid to sleep for fear that they would choke on their vomit. I'm so tired I can't think straight, but know that I must as another life depends on it. My prayers are with you. Cherish these last moments as you will have a lifetime to think about them. Sing to your mother, read, talk to her, she can hear you and your sweet loving voice calming and reassuring her will help her on her journey.
God Bless. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:02:10 AM | | Thank you to everyone that responded and opened their hearts up. It broke my heart to read the responses about your loved ones passings and illnesses. I really appreciate everyone's willingness to share personal stories, the advice and prayers. There are a lot of kind people in this world and I'm seeing a lot of them right here on this site. God bless you all. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:10:06 AM | My Grandfather died recently and he had Alzheimers too. My Dad died 20 years ago so Pepere is what we call him and I were close.
He decided to refuse to eat and kept on choking on stuff anyway. He refused to take meds as well. Don't blame him one bit as life was not quality anymore.
It is very hard to see someone the way they were and at that point. My kids were wonderful during this time and we played Snakes and Ladders as we did often with him.
Yes he did turn skeletal. I just visited as often as I could, held his hand, told him I loved him. My Sister went to see him and said Pepere...Dad's waiting to play card with you!!
Hugs to you! If you have any questions the nurses are very helpful. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:11:05 AM | Wenda, I know that this is a horrible time for you but I understand your quandry. My grandmother was 93 or 94 when she had her first stroke. Until that time she had still been able to walk, she was in a nursing home because of a broken hip at 87 but she had been very active and helped to take care of some of her friends by getting out of her wheel chair and pushing her friends to the cafe, or participating in choirs, etc.
After the first stroke she had several more and kept asking to be unplugged, when she was not on life support. She did pass when she was 95. That year, there were many times I prayed for God to take her. She had lived a full and happy life and I saw no point in her continuing to hang on in that condition. When I was at her memorial service I started crying but thought, what would I change? I wouldn't want her back the way she was before she died so why am I crying? If I love her, I have to let her go.
I think part of your angst is that rather than deciding to not put in the feeding tube, you feel as if you are doing something to hasten her death rather than not doing something to artifically preserve it. I nearly died in March and this is something I have discussed with my daughter. I don't want to live if I have to be kept alive on machines. Quality of life is as much a concern as trying to preserve it. What quality of life does your mother have now? What quality of life do you and your father have and what would your mother want for you?
What you need to remember is that you lost your mother a long time ago. Of course you love her and of course you want her around but she is suffering and you need to be brave enough to let her go. Your mother will never die because when you release her, she will still be there watching over you and you will always have her in your memories. I think your mother would probably also like you to have more of a life than you have likely had the last few years, which is part of being a good daughter. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:23:35 AM | | I am really sorry to hear about your mother.I lost my mother to MS in June 07 and I just lost my oldest son Dec 24th 07.He was only 26 years old and left a 3 year old behind.Two very special people in my life.I know both are in a better place now.I pray to GOD every day and with his guidence, and strength ,I am healing.(Slowly).Just remember when a love one dies, they can't give you anything anymore, so we have to give them prayers.That is part of the healing process.Just know when the time comes she will be in a better place then we are. NO more pain and suffering.You are in my prayers.GOD BLESS! | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/10/2008 6:34:11 AM | | Best not to do feeding tube. It will just prolong her life. Late stages of demetia is to stop eating. My mother is down to 85 lbs can't speak, move & needs to be feed, but she can suvive for a long time. She has vascular dementia. She eats enough to survive. It's very sad and hardest thin is she can't speak. We don't know how she feels or what she thinks. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/10/2008 9:16:47 AM | Dear Wenda,
Thank you for sharing...for reaching out...for letting us be a part of your grieving. This is a horrific time in our life and I am so sorry you are having to endure this heart wrenching pain...I feel it is a reflection of your deepest love for your mother. God be with you and your family, as you take this journey together, while reminiscing the unconditional love she gave to you through out her life...it still lives...within you.
When I read your post I immediately felt the anxiety rush up within me...as all of us will or have walked this path...you are not alone...our family traveled together with our Mom just this past December 15th. I am so grateful and appreciative for all she gave too me...right up to the beginning of her next journey...per her wishes... she also let us be a part of her new beginning. A very warm and heart touching moment as we gathered around her bedside in my sister's home....all holding hands with her...just as we had done so many times for the prayer before dinner. Know we are all holding your hand Wenda...as we go through this together.
One of the previous posters mentioned a "book"...a small paperback pamphlet obtained through the Hospice organization. It was a tremendous help too us as it explained in understandable terms what our love ones go through during this time in their lives...I would certainly support you in obtaining a copy for yourself and family.
Please keep us posted...the Hospice organization is a God send...they are there because they want to be...not because they have to....
With much empathy and compassion for you and your family... | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/10/2008 12:53:16 PM | Hi ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I went throught this about two years ago with my mom - almost exactly. She went VERY fast three years only and it was dementia, not Alzheimers - so she had all her memories but couldn't talk. My mom could swallow and said no feeding tube. We kept feeding her liquid diet as much as SHE would swallow. Yes she became skeletal, but she also decided that she wanted to stop eating and we honored that - she was concious until she died in her sleep. I thank God every day for that.
Your mom has a Feeding tube, so I'm understanding she can take NO nutrition by mouth? If she has any swallowing capability you can try to keep her hydrated, as much as she will tolerate with water or boost. Put a straw in the glass, put your finger over the top opening to create a vacuum. Move the straw to her mouth and release your finger to allow the liquid into her mouth. You can vary this so that if she does not have swallowing capability her mouth stays moist. You are NOT starving her to death. She has a G-tube. Her body lacks the ability to be able to eat typically, so you HAD to put a g-tube in, right? She probably lost her ability to swallow properly and lost her gag reflex? - Coordinating breathing and swallowing is very difficult for the brain - otherwise she would have choked/cardiac arrest - it is one of the last parts of the body to be affected by brain damage. (Yeah, I know too much and no I am not a doctor) Now, she has probably lost the ability to process food in her digestive tract, which is why they recommended stopping the feedings. This is what they siad was happening to my mom. Its all part of the neurological degeneration. All of her parts of her body are not working the way they should. I am so so so sorry.
She can probaby still hear you and she can probably still feel you touch her - they are the last sensations to go. I was so lucky to spend my mother's last week with her and my whole family. We sat and talked, sang and laughed and I know she heard and understood it all. I also held and stroked her alot. It soothed her anxiety and I was so grateful to be able to do that for my mom. I am SO sorry and I hope this helps. Bless you all. | |
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| Mother is dying at home
Posted: 1/28/2008 6:50:05 PM | Wenda,
Just wondering how you are doing--my prayers are with you and your mom. I hope we can hear from you, but just take care of you-----God Bless | |
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