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 littlehurt
Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 1
I have feelings for my best friend.Page 1 of 1    
I hope this thread doesn't get deleted by the mods because I used the search feature and looked at the other posts, and while they were all helpful I guess I still feel like my situation is somewhat different.

So state very plainly, I think I am having feelings for my best female friend. I am a 21-year-old male, and she is also 21. We are both on target to graduate college within the next year. We have known each other since we were 5-years old. We were in the same kindergarten class, and really in grade school we didn't like each other to much because we were always competing for the same awards and stuff. We really did not start becoming good friends until our junior prom. We did not go with each other, but she went with my best friend and we all chilled at her house after the dance. Since that point all of us have had a very close relationship. She and my best friend never dated and the only reason they went with each other was because neither of them had dates so I don't feel like that would be an issue.

As the end of our senior year approached she made the decision to go to a university 3-hours away, while I elected to stay in town and go to the local college. She comes home about one weekend a month and we all hang out. My problem with all of this really started after our freshman year in college. I missed her a lot over that previous school term and when summer came we hung out almost every night. I got really close to her during that summer and when she left for school again I felt like a huge void was missing from me. The same thing happened last summer and just recently over christmas break we hung a lot. In fact one night we stayed up till almost 6 a.m. talking about our lives, futures and things of that nature.

She has always been that type of person that I could call with a problem and would try to help me through it no matter what. Recently she found out the guy she was interested in was not returning her advances and became really upset. She called me up at 3 a.m. and cried constantly over it. I don't want to move in on her off the rebound or anything like that because I would feel really cheap, but still I can't help but feeling attracted to her. She has always been beautiful in my eye, but I never really saw her in that way until recently. I really don't think she feels the same way about me though, because she calls me a lot with her relationship problems with guys and sometimes I feel like the gay friend who isn't gay.

I guess my true question is: Should I tell her how I feel and risk losing one of the truest and honest friends I have? Or just keep things the way they are and continue on. I try to drop hints every now-and-then about maybe going and doing something, but she always ends up bringing another one of our friends along or something, so we never have a lot of alone time together that we could call an actual date, aside from the one night we stayed up late.

I just do not want to lose her, but I can't help my feelings either. I also wonder if my feelings are not really love and maybe something else. I mean is it even possible to fall in love with one of your best friends? I am really confused. The reason I put this in the ask the girl forum is because I wanted to get the girl's opinion of what you would if your best guy friend told you he had feelings for you. Would you stop being his friend if you did not feel the same way? Would the relationship change? Could it ever be the way it was before. I know I have a lot of life before me because I am only 21, but I feel with the end of our college careers coming to an end soon, we may soon move off and grow further apart and I fear my time with her maybe shorter than I think.
 YearoftheCat
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 2
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History
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/14/2008 1:40:40 AM
There's no easy answer to this one. A safe approach, provided you have enough time, would be to keep dropping the little hints-asking to be just you guys when you hang or go out and setting up a date, without making it really obviously a date (just in case her feelings aren't the same). Then you need to read her vibe, see if she seems to be receptive to your advances. If you take this cautious approach, then you will have the option to pull away, friendship unharmed, if you sense she doesn't reciprocate. That is, if you can.

If it will kill you not to divulge this attraction, because sometimes you just have to say something for your own peace of mind OR if you think it's now or never, then go for it. Usually, it does change the friendship...either in a good way, like, she loves you, too...or in a bad way, because she doesn't and you're hurt and she feels weird. However, some friendships can recover from this kind of stuff in time.

I had a friend, not as close as the 2 of you are though, who left me a gift and a card expressing his feelings I did not share. I saw it coming and it was awkward to deal with at first. But I was considerate of his feelings, he accepted my feelings and eventually he and I went back to our same 'ol friendship.

In college, I had another friend, my best guy friend that year, who totally surprised me with his feelings. Again, not as close as you and your friend, though. He gave little hints that made me think...hmmm? Maybe...Nah! Then he kissed me at the exact right moment and boom! I saw him totally differently and we were boyfriend/girlfriend for awhile.

So you won't know till ya try! Good Luck! Let us know how it goes.
 elimccl
Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 3
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/14/2008 1:51:19 AM
I'm not a girl, but I'll tell you that due to the way women think - cyclically - you're part of her identity as a best friend. Turning that around will basically turn her world upside down, if I'm understanding your situation. Just throwing out the idea that you two might be meant for one another won't change anything for the better in most cases. It might lead her to feel guilty about herself, and question what she's done wrong as a best friend to be led into a situation like that. It could very well drive a wedge between the two of you that she doesn't want to be there, yet feels is necessary due to her own confusion. Women aren't like men - you can't introduce a seemingly random element and expect them to make sense of it overnight. If a friendship leads to romance, it has to do just that - lead into it. She has to be able to associate you with those kinds of feelings. Right now, you're not.

Then again, everyone is different. But if she's always insisting on bringing others along, I imagine she senses your feelings to some degree and is putting up impediments to discourage those kind of feelings from developing. It's a matter of judgment on your part - it's your call. No man or woman on an online forum can dissect the intricacies of your friendship like you or she can.

My best advice would be to reevaluate your emotional priorities with the girl. Why is she important to you? Would introducing a romantic element into that ruin those reasons? Is it truly romantic feelings or simply love and attachment? Is she a prospective wife or like a sister to you?

They're difficult ideas to sort through, but ultimately you need to keep in mind that right now you described the relationship exactly as it is: best friends. Maintain that. If you move past that, you're essentially giving up on her as a best friend, since you're telling yourself that you can't settle for anything less than a relationship.
 jjbbmm
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 4
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/16/2008 9:32:33 PM
Been there myself, about a week and a half ago. Let me give you my take on the situation. I'm a guy, but i think my situation will prove useful.

Right now she is wanting some space to sort it all out. She claims we will be close after all of it. I hope to God that it happens. You have no idea. She did not share my feelings, and did not want to damage the friendship. Well, it's already damaged. I think it will recover.

I finally just told her I "liked" her. We were on the phone for an hour and a half each day for a while, and she repeatedly told me how I'm her best friend. She brushed off my comment and kept up our normal talking thing. I stopped there and made both of us deal with it. Mistake on my part. I made up some lame excuse about having early class tommorow and I needed to go to sleep. When she asked "will I talk to you tommorow?" I told her "probably not." When she asked "Will I ever talk to you again?" I responded, "Maybe." I was upset, I'm not going to lie.

This did not go well. I talked to her online about an hour layer and she let me have it, about how she thought I was a true friend and how she trusted me with things shes trusted no one else with. We hashed it out for a while, and it seemed like it would be back to normal in a few days. While its a week later, and I emailed her asking if she hated me and if she'd ever talk to me again (yeah i'm clingy like that, but she really was (is hopefully) my best friend). She says yes, it will blow over in time. I hope that its all true.

I hope every day now that i get my best friend back. The fear of losing her hurts like losing a long term relationship (I'm 23, have had one 3 year relationship). I cried most of tonite out of loss.

Here's my advice on the situation: Suggest that the two of you perhaps date, and if you get turned down, don't do what I did. Looking at your situation, i don't think she likes you. Just being honest. Bringing other people along when you two hang out is a good method for a girl to get that little safety net. I've been there my friend.

I've had a few female friends over the years, and they are far more likely to talk for long periods of time. I talk to my best guy friends maybe 30 minutes a week (I moved 1000 miles away) and we are still very close, but all female friends I've had can spend hours on the phone. Girls like to talk.

I hope every day that my best friend and I stay that way in the future. If you get rejected, don;t do what i did and overreact. In all honesty, if one of my close guy friends told me he had secret gay feelings for me (I'm not gay) I'd still be close, after giving them some time. True friends are just that.

On the other hand, my best friend when i started college was a girl. Eventually, she knew I liked her. She liked me, but wanted to wait a while. Two weeks later she moved in with me. We lived together 3 years. It grenaded. I have not spoken to her in almost 2 years. I wish her well, but I can never be her friend after all of it. We made far better friends than we did lovers. Relationships put unique strains on friendships.

Your situation kind of sucks, I'm not going to lie. Just realize, it is better to have a best friend that you never date than to have one you lose because you sleep with her. But if you end up with her forever or could remain friends with her (my ex and i broke up when we were 21, I wasn't mature enough to handle being friends with her afterwards) it could be worth a shot.

Your playing with fire my friend. Best of luck! Just hold your cool if you get rejected. My biggest piece of advice...
 miffys
Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 5
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:48:35 AM
You're in a really tough situation. On one hand, I say go for it. Tell her how you feel....although risk making everything uncomfortable...or... Keep it in, and you go a little crazy. Tough call.

I had a very close friend (after years of being just friends) told me he was in love with me, and would I give it a shot. I did not feel the same, but because he was my friend, I felt I owed it to him. I didn't want to flat out reject and hurt him. Long story short, he came to his senses, and we're still the best of friends. I think he realized that we were both better off platonic.

The second, he was my best friend of 10 years. He tried all the time. Finally last year, I gave it a shot. It didn't work. I couldn't find those loving feelings that he had, and we're no longer friends.

So, it's entirely up to you. If you want to risk your friendship, then I say go for it. Personally, I think you're far into the "friend zone" to ever be anything else to her. You could try talking about your feelings with her, she is your best friend. But don't make it look like you're coming on to her, just put out sutle hints here and there, and see if you can get any feedback. Good luck. I feel bad for you and the senario you're in. Think of her feelings too, you don't want her to feel bad or guily or that she's losing her best friend if she doesn't feel the same. Keep us posted!
 YearoftheCat
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 6
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History
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:52:15 AM
I wanted to see if you came to any conclusions.

I have to agree with the poster above^^^

You do have some control in this if you go in prepared. If she's not feeling it, the better you handle it, the better she will.

If she is feeling it, how can you not go for it? Whatever happens will happen, but putting the brakes on a romance two friends want...well, that seems pretty unlikely.
 JG781
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 7
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History
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/18/2008 10:30:40 PM
First off you have to answer the question do you truly like this girl. Now I am sure that your initial reaction will be yes but you really need to analyze the situations that have occurred. If after this you have realized that yes you truly want this girl to be more then just a close friend you need to think can you truly be a good friend by hiding your feelings or as bad as it sounds thinking she will not want to be friends anymore if she does not share those feelings. If you answered yes to either of these then go for it because if you are truly close friends you would not hide your feelings from them and if you were they probably know already and if they aren't going to be friends with you because of this then again they are not a true friend. Now I’m not saying that things won't be awkward for a little while if she does not feel the same.

SO... I guess what I'm saying is that you should at some point sit down and have this conversation. Like the other guy said if she does not feel the same try not to fly off the handle and get mad at her because like past experiences my self that could end a friendship no matter what because then they feel that you were just part of the friendship to try and date them.
I have had nothing but luck with just being honest about my feelings to female friends some have agreed and dated and yes when it ended so usually does the friendship but I do have friends that have become really good friends with there ex's so it is not impossible to be friends later. Then I have had the friends that I told this to and they didn't feel the same it was a little weird for a few weeks then every thing went back to normal.

****Disclaimer this is just my opinion and talking from my experiences so if it works good if not it is truly up to you. But GOOD LUCK in what ever you decide to do! ****
 catcountry7
Joined: 12/17/2007
Msg: 8
view profile
History
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:50:41 AM
Hi sweety,, ok, this is what you do,, go out drinking with her,, actually drink at youre house,, no driving and drinking,, the house is a much better idear,, ok, get close to her while youre drinking ,, put the moves on her,, and if all goese well the bedroom is there,, also if she pulls back blame it on drinking...... I know its sneaky,, but it works,,


good luck sweety

cheryl
 nickphilosoph
Joined: 10/26/2007
Msg: 9
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:04:10 AM
^^^^ I have a more 'male" suggestion for an approach to this. Get a GF and watch carefully how your friend approach this rel of yours. If she shows no signs of unrest, you are her friend and just that!

PS. Why would anyone wait so many years to discover he/she has romantic feelings for another person? Is the Oposter sure he does, other than a real friendship (friends like each other's company and miss each other too, you know)?
 Blueskies123
Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 10
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:21:05 AM
You're both young, you are really good friends..but because you are close there could be a time when something happens naturally.
There are things you could do..to see if it may further itself..a weekend away somewhere..separate rooms..go see a band or go do something you both like..just the two of you..I'm sure you could think of reason to suggest something.
You would be alone and together and can gauge how it feels better in that situaation.
I wouldn't risk this friendship..or at least not just yet...don't rush in.
 Syreeta
Joined: 7/23/2007
Msg: 11
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/20/2008 8:23:05 PM

Should I tell her how I feel and risk losing one of the truest and honest friends I have?

Only you can make that decision. Some of us can try & help you, by inputting our opinion, suggestions, etc., but they don't come with a guarantee - work


...is it even possible to fall in love with one of your best friends?

Yes, it's certainly possible, & friendship is considered to be a strong foundation base - further relationship. BTW, there's not alot of couples that have that real friendship. IMO; that maybe a very likely reason why so many relationships/marriages don't work out - long lasting.
Anyway, there's alot of info - the www re; relationships, see - http://peoplerelationships.syl.com/loverelationships & http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/love_index.shtml
I'm uncertain whether your feelings are love? However, going by what you have written, particularily - I felt like a huge void was missing from me...I'm thinking - perhaps / maybe? As - your friend, well, that's a larger ?
Although, when it comes to love, I have noticed some couples have fallen in love under some really quirky/weird circumstances. Have a look - http://www.plentyoffish.com/success.aspx?page_id=3 & read about the second couple; - Paul and Sonya. HOWZAT!?! :laugh:

I read your profile & I'm thinking that some things I can suggest is;
1) It's pointless to worry about what other people think of you. You seem to be a very pleasant person You have the eraser there...please erase shyness off the board.
It's important to have a certain amount of confidence & self-esteem. So, some work is required - build them up. Have a look - http://www.more-selfesteem.com/confidencebuilding.htm ..A well-balanced amount is most suitable; as too little isn't enough; you'll unlikely accomplish much, & too much is; well...too much - alpha male type.

I'll steer away & turn right here -
2) Courage; you obviously have some, as you initiatated the op, however, some more is required. Think about the Lion - The Wizard of Oz; he went out on a lengthy journey looking for his courage. But, did he find it outside? No! It was within himself.
So all you're required to do, to draw it out, is to think - "I can do anything."...that is within reason, of course - according to law, etc.

3) A strong inner emotional defence is also good to have; - fend off rejection, sadness, etc - negatives. We can't always have/get whatever we want, & the best way to handle it is - accept that fact. Yet when we feel hurt/sad, etc; take time out if necessary, as it's important to let our emotions flow. It isn't good for us to hold onto the negative emotions, - withdraw too long or sink into depression, resort to drugs/alcohol, nor continually be angry or bitter. Have a look - The Power of Emotion; http://www.thinkingpeace.com/Lib/lib086.htm
We all experience, happiness, sadness, etc. during our lifetime, yet it's the choices that we make in handling/dealing with all the circumstances, - as they occur, that has an effect on the life we live, - good or whatever.

I don't agree with everthing elimccl wrote - Msg: 3; however, I think he has given some good advice; -
...to reevaluate your emotional priorities with the girl. Why is she important to you? Would introducing a romantic element into that ruin those reasons? Is it truly romantic feelings or simply love and attachment? Is she a prospective wife or like a sister to you?



If a friendship leads to romance, it has to do just that - lead into it. She has to be able to associate you with those kinds of feelings.


And I think Blueskies123; Msg: 10 has inputted some good suggestions.

:up:
 littlehurt
Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 12
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/21/2008 2:02:26 AM
I want to thank everyone for all the advice they gave me. I read a lot of helpful suggestions, some I thought would work well and others not so much. I kind of liked the idea about drinking, but neither of us drink so that kind of went out the window. I was actually with her this weekend a lot and there was an uneasy tension among us. She called me on Saturday and wanted to go see a mutual friend we have because she just got engaged. On the phone she told me she had some issues she needed to talk to me about involving some friends of hers in the town she is going to college in. Long story short, we go over to our friends house, ride together actually, but then we never got a moment alone and some people actually came back to her house afterward, so Saturday night was all but a dud. Then tonight (Sunday) we hung out again, unfortunately we never had an alone moment again. We went to see a movie with some friends and her sister's friends and then we all went back to her house. Most of our friends usually start leaving out at about 1:30 a.m. because they all have morning jobs, but I work nights and I am used to being up late so I was planning on staying till everyone left so we could talk, but once again fate reared its ugly head and the friends stayed until she fell asleep....so that pretty much ruined that.

She is going back to school tomorrow and said she didn't think she would be home until spring break in March. She invited me to come stay with her and her roommate one weekend, but she also did the same for my best friend so I didn't take much stock into that. I have ultimatly decided I guess that I won't tell her. She is going through a lot right now with some problems with other guys so I don't want to complicate her life anymore than what it is. Plus she has a tremendous class load and I just don't want to frazzle her. I value our friendship more than words can say.

I did do something tonight that I have never done before, though. This past week she called me balling about an issue she was having with a friend at college and we worked through it. She was really upset and I could tell she was scared and hurt. So this afternoon I went to the flower shop and bought a single rose and a card that said something to the effect that I am always be there for her no matter what and I added my own personal touch. I didn't give it to her directly, but instead put in her car when I left tonight, so she will find it in the morning when she leaves. I figure if she calls and ask me about it, I can try and gage her and see how she reacts. If she acts accepting I figure I might can mention something or if she thinks I am moving in and she doesn't like it, I can just pass it off as being a concerned friend who wanted to brighten up her day.

That is where I stand as of right no. I think I would go crazy without her in my life. I guess females and males view friendship differently. I know its possible to be friends with the opposite sex and not feel anything, but knowing each other as long as we have and being as close as we are, I just find it hard to stop at being just friends. I feel a connection with her that I have never had with anyone else. I don't know, it is just so hard to explain.
 Terraburn
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 13
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History
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:47:03 AM
I think you're skirting the issue too much. If she is leaving tomorrow (today?), then I would pull her aside, and just tell her how you feel. There is no easy way to say how you feel in this situation, and the longer you let it go without telling her the more it will hurt to watch her with other guys. At least if you knew for sure there could never be anything between you, it can help you move past seeing her with another guy.

Good luck to you my friend, this is a tough spot to be in, I know.
 mad_gas_car
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 14
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/21/2008 12:00:47 PM
I have a suggestion, albeit not a solution, that may help you plan your next "move". I've been in your situation and can certainly empathize. Anyway, if your best friend has another friend with whom she's pretty close , I would get in touch with that friend. You could then ask this person to talk to her, get a sense of how she feels about the two of you being more than just friends - even jokingly, casually...you know how girls chat sometimes...I think...kinda like: " So how about you and [your name]..would u ever see you two get together?...bla bla.." I dunno...the point is you can kinda try and find out about her feelings without actually talking to her and maybe avoid risking your current relationship. Sneaky but well-intentioned.

Although, I have to say i agree with some posters who have said to just talk to her. Even if the result is negative, you two sound like you have a pretty special bond that'll last for a very long time. Hey, who knows what will happen. Best of luck to you.
 the_ivy_babe
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 15
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/21/2008 12:03:58 PM
I can offer some perspective here from the girl's side. I was in a situation almost exactly like this, however the feelings for my friend did not really start to develop until he was almost out of college (he lived 4 hours away, while I stayed closer to home). In our case we were 23 and 24 at the time - two years ago.

I remember the shift in the friendship like it happened yesterday. In high school (so ages 16/17) we had a marginally close friendship because we shared the same circle of friends. After high school we continued to chat on the phone and occasionally saw each other and gradually became close over a couple of years until he left town to finish his degree. By then we had also spent a lot of time together - hanging out, going to movies, talking all hours. One night we sat outside a restaurant after dinner and talked for three hours in the car. For a long time I had considered him to be a very brotherly figure. He was someone I would ask for "the guy's point of view" when I was having a problem, and he was my closest male confidante. I, in turn, dished to him about what women were really thinking when he was confused about some woman in his life. I grew up in a house full of sisters, and he only had one brother. We had filled these roles of best friends/siblings for close to four years and I had thought nothing about it. I simply enjoyed his company and I assumed he felt the same way. I had decided to tell him because I felt that I would risk losing more by never knowing if he felt the same way, rather than living uncomfortably with the growing feelings that i had never pursued.

Then one day shortly before my 25th birthday I caught myself having what I considered to be an inappropriate thought about my male best friend. That started the wheels turning about whether or not we could be more. I wondered if I was throwing away happiness by keeping my favorite guy on the bench for years. I wondered if maybe there was something to what family and friends had been saying for years - if we were only friends because we really wanted more. So one night a couple weeks after I started wondering and thinking, on a whim I kissed him. I could not articulate my serious feelings without laughing at myself (and I had tried to tell him in my head a million times searching for the right words to say), but instead I acted on them. The result was about three minutes of silence with the two of us staring straight ahead. We still don't know what happened to those three minutes, and if anything was said before I let out, "that was a little weird."

We dated on and off for about a year, but ultimately it didn't work out. Being friends for so long made the relationship great in some ways, and very complicated in others that I won't go into on this thread - but I can say it was not how I expected it would be.
We're still friends and in a lot of ways we are the same as we were before we dated, but in other ways we are not. I still think I made the right decision because now I know what's really between us. But like I said, I made the decision I could live with, and you will have to do the same.

Whatever decision you make, just be true to yourself and your dreams. You only live once.
 littlehurt
Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 16
I have feelings for my best friend.
Posted: 1/21/2008 3:10:35 PM
To the previous poster on this board:

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. We too were friends in high school because of the same circle and the relationship really matured our senior year and the summer in between graduating high school and starting college. She is almost my first call when I have had problems regarding women in the past. I don't have a sister and she has been the only female I have ever felt comfortable with to talk about those things with. Most of the time I am the one she calls with guy friends, although not always. The 3 or so hours between has soured us some because I can't always drop what I'm doing to go and comfort her like I can in the summer, but she still always calls me at least 3 to 4 times a week and we txt constantly.

Honestly I never would have thought I would find myself having these feelings for her because she was always like my sister, but I don't know what happened to be honest. I think something just clicked or a light bulb went off. I can't really explain it, but like you I found myself one day having thoughts about her. I still remember the night. I was at her house and she was complaining about how all guys are jerks (a conversation that almost always dominates when we are together) and she keeps on and on. And without thinking I asked her if I was a jerk and she said no. From that moment I have wanted to shout Hey I am right here in front of you. Like I said I have always found her attractive, but never thought about it anymore until that night.

She did leave back for school today (Monday) so I did not see her before she left. I have not talked to her yet today so I don't know how the rose issue has worked out yet. If anything happens I will let you know.

To the poster advising me to ask a friend: I have thought about that a lot, but I am not sure if I trust any of her friends to keep the issue just between us. Our circle of friends is notorious for spilling the beans about something along the way, and if something like that got out, I'm afraid it might do more damage than good. If she was to find out I like her through an indirect source, rather than me...I just don't think that would work out to well.

To the rest I do appreciate your suggestions and comments. I want to thank everyone for all they have done. It helps. I know its a tough spot. When I first started having these feelings I thought I could ignore them and they would just go away, but that has not been the case. Once again thanks to all and I will keep you posted.
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