| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:16:11 PM | | how long is long enough? Why would anyone put their profile out on a world wide dating service looking for a long term relationship when they are still griefing????? I'm so confused...any suggestions? | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:24:21 PM | | ah thanks. and your right I shouldn't think so much and baby steps are not so bad....after all it just takes time.. thank you... I need to hear that | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:25:24 PM | I'm just curious, how do you know they are still grieving? Are you making that assumption based on the widower status? If you do, your question is invalid. You don't stop being a widower/widow when you stop grieving.
If you have actually corresponded with a person that has told you he's grieving I think you should pose your question to him.
I hope this helps. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:25:32 PM | | Maybe he is hoping to find someone to help him get over his grieving??? I don't know what your conversations have been like, but is he constantly talking about his deceased wife? You ask how long is long enough, but you don't say how long is has been. I am a widower myself, and a year was plenty long enough for me, and I only talk about my wife when I am asked. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:25:51 PM | No one gets over a loss on a schedule. Some people recover quickly, some recover more slowly; some people think they are ready when in fact they are not. "Long enough" is when the person is ready to put the past behind them and move on.
If the person is sending you mixed signals--saying they are ready but spending all their time talking about their departed partner--they aren't really ready, and you need to let them know that they need to come back when they are truely ready to move on.
I have some experience in this regard, if you want to write me a personal email; I'll elaborate more. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:28:34 PM | | As someone who is going through the grieving process, there are times when I think I'm ready to move forward only to find out that I'm not ready for it yet. He may be doing his best, but still unsure of what he can handle until he tries. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:29:23 PM | Will he talk to you about his deceased wife? Sometimes that helps. They just want to talk about them...the good times and the bad. Sometimes a widow is just....well....um...scared ! They live day to day and that's the only way they can handle it. Even if you end up as just friends, you too...will gain from this. Life will seem more precious and the good times, so much greater when you help someone else heal.
God Bless You. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:29:57 PM | | I have actually been "seeing" him for three months. This is all new to me as I have never lost a spouse and can only imagine what he and his family have through. He talks of her often and has many fond memories. I am sympathic and empathetic of what he has gone through. Just feeling a bit insecure about our future or if we have a future. Just hoping someone could shed some light on how long is healthy....that is all. Thank you for your input. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:31:10 PM | | my mom died a while ago, and my dad didn't date for like 2 or 3 years, but his relationships were very casual even then, he still hasn't really gotten serious with anybody. he goes on dinner dates, and movies and whatnot, but nothing too serious. he's 60 though, so i'm not even sure if he even wants another wife or anything even remotely close to that. then again, he also refuses to date anybody over 40, so that might have something to do with it. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:34:48 PM | Speaking as a widower, I feel somewhat qualified to answer this, or at least from my own personal perspective. So....let's break your question down into its core elements:
how long is long enough?
There is never a definitive answer to this question. It's honestly like asking how many angels can dance on the head of a pin and the answer, ultimately, is a solid, committed, "it depends." It varies not only by the time that has gone by since he lost his wife, but also how deeply he cared for her, what his quality of life was with her, and far too many other variables to discuss in a single post. It can also be very deceptive to try and answer this question. Just when he thinks it has been "long enough," something happens to bring it all slamming home to him.
Why would anyone put their profile out on a world wide dating service looking for a long term relationship when they are still griefing?????
Im my humble opinion and my perspective as a widower, it could be for a huge variety of reasons; loneliness, a sense of loss, wanting to see who is out there, testing the waters, etc... But the key part of your above sentence is,
"when they are still griefing."
The problem here is that, many times, a person doesn't know if they're still grieving or not. Seriously. Grief isn't a static phenomenon; it comes and goes when you least expect it. It can also surprise you sometimes with its appearance (or the lack thereof) in a given situation.
I'm so confused...any suggestions?
Yes: take it as it comes, just as you would with any other relationship. The fact that it may or may not work out really has little to do with the fact that it's a widower you're dealing with. I'm sure you've had relationships that worked as well as some that didn't with non-widowers in the past, right? The same principle applies here.
Hope this helps. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:34:54 PM | | I have been seeing him for awhile and his house is like a shrine to this woman. Her pictures are everywhere. He and his family still celebrate her birthday. It's been almost two years and I feel in competition with a deceased woman. It sounds very pathetic from my perspective about my feelings. I feel guilty for wanting him (them) to honor and remember but to move forward. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:40:14 PM | | Get over yourself. The widower, wants to get back into life. But things are not easy. Things come back on occasion. The good, the bad, the very ugly. How do I know? I dated a widowed woman. Just be careful, when they use it as an excuse, let them know that you are not going to put up with it. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:43:34 PM | | the loss of a a spouse is devastating...there are several phases to get through the healing process...a few months after my huband died I felt extreme lonliness and I sought someone to comfort me and get me to a happier place in life...problem was I had not healed enough to really let anyone get close to me...I wanted someone but only at a distance...I do not know for certain about your friend...but I do know that trying to make him closer to you ...will make him push you away....be there for him, but only if you are strong enough to accept the fact that his head nor heart may not be able to love freely at this point...if you cannot do that, for both your sakes ,maybe you should be really great best friends at this time... | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:44:38 PM | Thanks for clarifying. I don't think he's ready to date. It's one thing to keep a loved one on your mind and remember her fondly but she is not with us anymore and he can do that in his solitude. I think this man is doing himself a huge disfavour.
I know some people will disagree with me but I compare what he's doing to someone still talking about an ex. She is gone, it's time he make room for you. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:46:29 PM | | If you have been seeing him for a while and it's been two years, you need to put the serious make on this guy and snap him out of it. Life's too short. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:48:24 PM |
Get over yourself. The widower, wants to get back into life. But things are not easy. Things come back on occasion. The good, the bad, the very ugly. How do I know? I dated a widowed woman. Just be careful, when they use it as an excuse, let them know that you are not going to put up with it.
I agree. No matter how much my wife's death may come back and kick me in the teeth, there's no way I would push another decent woman away because of it. For one thing, it's not the new woman's fault and nothing is going to bring my wife back. That would be very unfair to a woman who is trying to understand but really can't. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:49:07 PM | | thank you very much for your insite. I would like nothing better than to be more than just his best friend but I understand that may be all he is ready for. He has a great support system in place and maybe I should offer another shoulder for him to rely on and hope that it will turn into more. He has stated that I have brought much needed sunshine into his dark world and I feel blessed to have done that. Thank you so much for your advice. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 7:59:27 PM | | I've been widowed for 4 yrs now, and I have pictures up of my late husband,and of us together..but mine is to keep me going. My situation is alot different than most people's however..I have to fight a battle so I want his pictures up to make me keep that fight going. When I walk in I look at him and vow to make it right. I've been through the grieving, the sadness, loneliness and sometimes I wish I could take my pictures and put them away but, I need that extra ummpfff to keep going. Some days it's rough still, but give him time....your not in competition with a deceased woman....he will realize someday he needs to move on further. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 9:34:30 PM | I have a friend who got married at age 18 and at age 55 his wife died.
Four months later he was dating. He had no regrets about how he treated his wife. He was a wonderful husband to her but found himself awufully lonely. Some thought it inappropriate but i say Kudos to him to be able to go on and seek a mate to fill his void.
Of course he was grieving but he had nothing to be ashamed . He gave her a great life and another fine lady out there deserved the same. He met plenty of ladies and this coming weekend after 1.5 years of being a widow he is getting married again.
Scandalous to some, but with so many lonely living people needing love and companionship who are you or I to judge how long a person should stay alone when they have so much to give. Death closes a door and opens it to another life. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 10:31:19 PM | | They do so because they think it will help them not grieve anymore. Just because it seems stupid, doesn't mean a stupid person won't find a reason to do it. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 10:50:32 PM | I lost someone a short time ago (August 27th, 2007).
Just feeling a bit insecure about our future or if we have a future.
Why? Doesn't everyone have a past? Why can't you have a future with someone who is or recently was greiving?
Just hoping someone could shed some light on how long is healthy
Healthy for what? Dating? Sleeping together? Stopping talking about the woman he lost?
For me personally, dating still feels like it would be sort of like cheating. When it stops feeling that way, I will gently drift back into dating.
I have been seeing him for awhile and his house is like a shrine to this woman. Her pictures are everywhere. He and his family still celebrate her birthday.
Celebrate her birthday how? Don't you think it would seem insensitive to remove all of her pictures? What about his kids - the pictures are there for them, too, remember. They all loved this woman...probably still do love her. However, she is not competition for you.
What's important to keep in mind is this: none of that has anything at all to do with you. As long as he's comfortable dating, and it seems like he is if you've been seeing him for three months, then he's ready (or believes he is, anyway).
I don't think he's ready to date. It's one thing to keep a loved one on your mind and remember her fondly but she is not with us anymore and he can do that in his solitude. I think this man is doing himself a huge disfavour.
I know some people will disagree with me but I compare what he's doing to someone still talking about an ex. She is gone, it's time he make room for you.
You're right, Nordic, I disagree. He has made room in his life for OP. It doesn't sound like he's shutting her out, or not making time for her, or excluding her from anything. I don't talk about mine incessantly, but occasionally she comes up in conversation. It doesn't mean I can't move on, any more than talking about anything else in my past does.
No matter how much my wife's death may come back and kick me in the teeth, there's no way I would push another decent woman away because of it.
Same here...you won't find me using it as an excuse for anything, once I do start dating. | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 11:13:11 PM |
how long is long enough? Why would anyone put their profile out on a world wide dating service looking for a long term relationship when they are still griefing????? I'm so confused...any suggestions? OP, why are you confused? Did this guy's wife die last week? Last month? Last year? He may still be grieving. Did he tell you that?
Sometimes people who lose their partners feel so lost that they think the only way to fill that void is with another relationship. That can be a recipe for disaster, similar to other rebound relationships. Some people don't like to be alone. A dear friend of mine died in an accident a little over two years ago. Her husband moved another women into their home within 2 months and he married her a couple months after that. When I asked him what his reasons were, he stated that he did not want to be without a woman in his life. While I personally found his actions strange and objectionable, he felt that was his only option.
Your job is not to figure him out. Your job is to take care of your own heart through this. Go slowly, keep your own head screwed on straight and let him talk about what he's thinking and feeling about his loss. Best wishes! | |
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| Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 1/14/2008 11:37:06 PM |
I have been seeing him for awhile and his house is like a shrine to this woman. Her pictures are everywhere. He and his family still celebrate her birthday. It's been almost two years and I feel in competition with a deceased woman. When the deceased partner was much loved, I think it is probably much harder to date someone who is widowed than someone who is divorced. Yeah, there might be that feeling that you are in competition with the dead partner. In some instances, that may not be far from the truth.
Some years ago I dated a man who had been widowed for 5 years. I looked a great deal like his late wife, and that both attracted and spooked him about me. We were very compatible and I believe our relationship could have been very wonderful in the long run. But he simply did not feel ready, and I had to respect that. However he also told me that I fulfilled something wonderful in his life and helped him move forward in a very special way. I always smile when I think of him. He was a gem.
I was widowed two years ago, almost to the day. He was the love of my life and the thought of returning to dating just didn't feel right for quite some time. But I did realize that I was still here and I needed to move forward with my own life. I have been fortunate in that I can put my life with Steve in perspective, knowing that I will always love him, but also acknowledging that he is no longer here with me, except in spirit and in my heart. If I am fortunate to meet another wonderful man, I know I have to be fair. I don't expect any other man to be Steve or even similar to him. Each man has his own shoes in which to walk, and I will not ask them to try to fill Steve's. Nor will I ask any other man to try to measure up to him. Each can only measure up to himself and that's all I can ever ask. I choose not to build a "shrine" to my late husband in my home. Not having his pictures all over the place was similar to me making the decision to stop wearing my wedding ring. Each step was part of the grieving process for me. I surrounded myself with my friends during those moments. I know that I could not have been dating someone while that was going on; those were my Steve-moments and I could not have gotten through them with another man in my life. Those had to be resolved before I could start dating again. | |
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