| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 6:33:32 PM | Greetings forum people! I would appreciate suggestions and advice concerning ways to prescreen possible dates. My method of screening is not working on many levels.
I am wondering what techniques others use .
Thank-you for answering. LS | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 6:58:36 PM | What exactly are you screening for? I figure if they're in the phone book and they say they're calling from their home phone then good enough.
I'm more concerned with my protection when it comes to meeting them. I don't know your city but anywhere that has a good deal of security camera coverage and is your choice not his is safe enough.
It's pretty easy to tell a money scam even if it doesn't come from a part of the world that POF has blocked. But how likely are you to invest in his penny stock company on the first date anyway? You'll know in your gut if he's a player sooner or later -- 9 times out 10 you won't need an agency to research and verify it.
And I found that when I worked and/or was friends with men who weren't players over the years, they were very concerned about when to bring up topics that might be a problem. Had to talk many out of not spitting it out on the first date. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 7:00:30 PM |
My method of screening is not working on many levels.
OP, what 'methods' are you currenly using? On what 'levels' are you having difficulties? I found that each email message i got required that i cater a response specifically to the guy, depending on the content of their message. Assuming you've gotten that far, are you leary as to when to give out your number, when to meet? Please elaborate! | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 7:07:06 PM | Mostly, I have been unable to screen out deception before the meeeting. One was severly disabled from an MVA.Never mentioned a word. Others are deceptive concerning financal stability. I am looking for screening methods before the meeting.
Email screening tactics, I think this would be the best.
What types of questions do you ask during predate emailing?
Sheese,I realized I asked for specific answers to a very vague question. Thank -you for your help. I appreciate the forums advice and attempt to refine my search daily.
Peace,LS | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 7:09:10 PM | I figure if they're in the phone book and they say they're calling from their home phone then good enough.
So what would you do in a case like mine since I live on a boat and there isn't any way to have a land phone. I'm also not the only one on POF who lives on a boat.
edit to add;
OP, it now sounds like you're looking for a business partner or someone to support you. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 7:18:13 PM | I noticed many forum posters state they are able to screen out possible rejections before the meeting date. These are the methods I am concerned with, email questions to determine activity level, intelligence level. Slightly embarrassed now for asking.
I am very geeky and a partnership suits me well. I bring many gifts to the table and expect my partner to do the same.
Peace,LS | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 7:20:00 PM | wow, OP, there are a lot of nut jobs out there, eh? Sheesh.
I suggest, if this were me, emphasizing your value of honesty. Come off as forgiving at first, to get them to spill, and save you the time of meeting someone you arent truly interested in- with all things considered! And never settle, or meet someone you havent had answer all of your questions. You deserve the best, and nothing less.
Who are these guys to think that they could keep secrets like this indefinately? I commend our faith in the system here, for I fear I might've lost all hope by now! (in online dating that is, you are a very attractive woman with a lot to offer. Perhaps that's whats attracting the creepos!!!!) | |
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Posted: 1/15/2008 7:22:26 PM | Message #5: Got a Rhode Island driver's license for a car to identify yourself with perhaps? Photo ID maybe? Meet on my turf and I'll leave the info with the bartender on a piece of scrap paper. Don't forget to smile into that camera first. At least they'd know where to start looking for my remains if need be.
OP: Talk about your profile and theirs in specifics. Ask them if they like one of the juice combinations you've listed. Then ask them how they make theirs. If they never reply or shut down the IM window immediately, there's one guy screened in less than 30 seconds. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 7:55:49 PM |
Message #5: Got a Rhode Island driver's license for a car to identify yourself with perhaps? Photo ID maybe? Meet on my turf and I'll leave the info with the bartender on a piece of scrap paper.
At least they'll know where to start looking for my remains if need be.
Yuppers I do, photo drivers lic.,ID's etc. 
BTW, most of the owners, managers, bouncers, bartenders/barmaids, waitresses etc. of the good clubs around here will all vouch for me since I'm rather well known. 
Calling a friend or your own phone# w/ the persons name and a plate # also works well. I've had women ask to see my lic. and call a friend w/ the info., it's no biggie to me. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 8:08:53 PM | | Well, is your father still alive? If so, do what I do with my girls. Let them meet the old man, if he don't approve, they're gone. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 8:37:27 PM | I think it's more a matter of defining what you're looking for ( single, within 100 miles, employed, etc) and having boundaries. And learning to read between the lines.
I know some men think "potential stalker" when you ask for their full name, but it's something I'd expect to hear if I met someone not using the internet. (as in "Hi, my name is Joe Smith. Nice to meet you!") I feel I am entitled to ask the same questions online as I would if we'd met randomly and had a regular conversation. What do you do, where do you work, where do you live (of course not expecting a home address), do you have any kids, married or single, etc. etc.
Look for inconsistencies and listen to your intuition.
If he's hesitant or less than willing to disclose basic details, be on guard, at least initially.
If something feels off, it probably is. If something feels "too good to be true," it probably is. If it's difficult to pin down a time to talk or meet, be wary. If at any time you feel you're put in the position of being the pursuer, take a step back and ask if yourself you're being manipulated. If at any time you feel rushed, insecure, uncertain or way too nervous, retreat and regroup. Sob stories are meant to mess with your heart- be wary. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 8:38:55 PM |
Mostly, I have been unable to screen out deception before the meeeting. One was severly disabled from an MVA.Never mentioned a word. Others are deceptive concerning financal stability. I am looking for screening methods before the meeting.
Email screening tactics, I think this would be the best.
i'm not sure how you could confirm specific details about his finances or suchlike without hiring a detective - unless you had him fax over a copy of his bank statement.. 
if that really is a big deal to you then i guess you could do those things...
re finding out more about if he's truthful about looks/ who and what he is, maybe having a cam chat with him a few times would help with that - seeing and hearing someone talk to you on webcam (try skype - free computer chat) can allow you to pick up on body/eye cues and hearing the tone of their voice can allow for detection of hesitations/prevarications.. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 9:06:38 PM | English Lass,Thank-you, you are right and this is just what I am looking for. Having alternatives for different situations ! I am just not doing a through job of predate screening. This saves all of us time and energy.
Thank you for all who posted! I am making my new list of prescreening techniques.
I have found a few other threads to peruse. I didn't use correct search terms
Peace LS | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 9:18:00 PM | | This is just my opinion and from my own experience, there is no way you can truly screen against those that are adamantly determined to lie or mislead. No matter how many questions you ask they will have the answer they think you want to hear. In order to truly know you will have to meet and find things out. The obvious things would be looks, a disability, height or weight. Status, profession or lifestyle you can find out in short order if they aren't being truthful. My advice is not to get "deep" into something with someone until you find these things out. | |
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Posted: 1/15/2008 9:25:17 PM | You setup one of those dungeon basements. You get yourself one of those limb stretchers (they have them at Costco now) and an iron maiden. Invite him over and let the Spanish inquisition begin.
Rob | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 10:32:54 PM | I basically do a *lot* of emailing. And then trust my gut. The two times I haven't done a lot of emailing, my gut was wrong.
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 10:53:08 PM | Most of all listen to that little voice that says "SOMETHING IS WRONG" then RUN
There is really no way to prescreen people other than to ask the direct ?'s my favorite one is are you SINGLE. That seems to be a very important one. Good luck with your search. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/15/2008 11:16:45 PM | The easiest way to screen someone is simply take your time before you meet with them. I realize a lot of guys don't like that, but you are a woman and that means you could very well end up a statistic. If you find out as much about them as possible over a period of time, before you meet, ask for video chat, etc. you avoid many problems, because they can't hide everything, when communicating. I have found most that are just interested in a fling will fly off the handle quickly, if you don't meet with them, immediately. Making them wait a certain amount of time brings out the beast in folks like that and they quickly disappear with their annoying humongous egos damaged, hehe. The rest are willing to wait to get to know someone, whether it's online or off, and they don't have a problem waiting.
If you just communicate normally as you would in a day to day situation, the person will generally say things that will incite questions on your part; natural questions. Those natural questions should be answered before you meet.
For instance:
Him: Hey, I was headed to the store, today, to get a new sofa for my house.
(Now, you know that he might have a house, but that might not be exact...so, onto the next question.)
You: "Oh, what color is it?" When he answers this, you now know what color he probably prefers, or even, possibly, his favorite color.
Him: Oh, it's blue and it's kind of long for the living room. (Short living room; maybe on a budget; not a house, but an apt .. could be -- incites your next questions.)
You: Oh, is blue your favorite color? You said the sofa was short, how come it's so short, do you live in an apt or a house? I figured that maybe you lived in an apt and that's what made it short."
Him: Yes, I live in an apt.
You: Cool...in what city? etc., etc.
In other words, you're not fishing for information that way, you're simply keeping the conversation going and allowing him to respond normally, while asking questions that give you more information about his life. Many women usually just start communicating about theirs, but they forget to listen when a guy talks, to what he discusses.
Of course, I'm not saying you should drill him, but it's nice to be able to get some of the info upfront before you meet, to find out if you're even interested. And, of course, the same goes for guys. Why waste someone's time if you're not compatible, agreed?
By the way, don't always knock someone who's disabled. It's not the worst thing in the world, believe it or not. And, sometimes, when someone is disabled, it's even better than normal. Many folks who are disabled know how to love deeper than the majority of people out there, simply because they're more grateful to find someone that can appreciate them just the way they are; the bad with the good. ;) However, many of them are shoved aside because of their disability. Of course, many won't tell you about their disabilities upfront, simply because they are treated that way. So, just something to think about before you just toss someone that is disabled aside. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/16/2008 9:00:42 AM | Loud Silence, it's too bad you are having a consistent run of bad luck. Keep plugging away though.
As for screening, there is some good advice here. Communication in advance by email and phone is necessary. Talk about things that are important to you and see how they respond. As stated, watch for inconsistencies. Bring up a topic more than once and see if the response changes. If something bothers you, be direct, ask direct questions.
Do not worry about offending them if you think something is up. Until you are sharing a mailing address, you owe the person nothing. If you are worried about people thinking you are "not a nice person" for asking certain questions, thats theit problem and not yours. In this day and age, a woman has to be careful and approach things with both eyes wide open.
If at any point someone tries to manipulate your or guilt trip you for being critical, put on your coat and walk away. Like stated by others, make sure someone knows who you are going out with and make sure they know that someone knows, especially for the first date (need we say well lit and public place?). I had someone come to my house once, the first thing she did was call a friend from my phone and give her my phone number and address. Didn't bother me at all.
Like I always say, if you aren't doing anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about. | |
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atlast
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Joined: 2/25/2007
Msg: 20 | |
| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/16/2008 9:41:42 AM | | From what I have read in the forums, it doesn't matter what you do or say, people will not respect your wishes and contact you whether you are interested in them or not. It isn't as bad for men, but we get our "crazies" as well. If you use your search engine you can find all kinds of useful information that can help you spot the "red flags". Use topics like "How to spot a liar", how to avoid con men" and such. Something really important is to cut off all communication with anyone you catch in a lie. | |
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Posted: 1/20/2008 8:20:50 PM | A friend of mine swaps resumes with potential dates. She is only interested in a potential marriage. Works for her. Most guys not worth her time panic and back down. Talking over the resume and the history is describes gives you a very good idea of the other person and their lifestyle, goals, etc.
It's not a technique that I'd use, but it works for her. Might for you. | |
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Posted: 1/20/2008 9:03:49 PM | | ^^ Um, yeah, if a woman asked for my resume on a first date, I think I'd be saying my farewells as well. Not that I'm not proud of my background or anything, but I think that's rather crude. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/21/2008 12:17:12 AM | Hey Loud Silence.
I have been thinking about your question. My screening has never failed. The one time I met a weirdo, I had not followed my screening process.
I don't meet without at least 2 mnths msn chat/phone contact. - To much time commitment for most players and too long to keep up an act.
How people behave in certain situations can be very revealing. Some situations are more likely than others to evoke a genuine and unguarded reaction, such as how one deals with poor restaurant service (wrong order, overcooked, too long etc), or a minor car collision in which the other person is at fault. If you are obvious about digging for character information then you are unlikely to learn anything useful. So, you would need to be subtle.
For example: in an msn convo relate a poor restaurant experience, pretend it happened that day. State your reaction (very mild) but that you didn't really know what to do. This will prompt them to share what they would have done/you should have done ( important .........responses to hypothetical situations only tell us what we think we would do!!!!!! ) After their first response, you need to say something like "oh come on, tell me about the last time you really got the wrong food in a restaurant" - ask specific questions so that you fully understand the situation. Make sure your reactions are non-judgemental - approving or disapproving noises from you will colour the information they give you.
Other revealing situations are:
Being wrong
Receiving (and giving) negative feedback/criticism
Competition (either losing or winning)
Failure
How they refer to ex's
Some comments I perceive as red flags
I never lie - Honesty is a given (notwithstanding white lies). Fundamental to human relationships (one of the 10 commandments for the religious). The majority of people don't tend to make this statement so those who do declare "the obvious" about themselves make me wonder.
Racial slurs/jokes
Sexist slurs/jokes
I have no baggage - It just means it will arrive 2 weeks later in a huge truck.
best of luck | |
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Posted: 1/21/2008 12:27:54 AM |
My method of screening is not working on many levels
I'm surprised your profile isn't doing a better job.
I'd try referring them to this thread.
After reading it, I'm pretty sure I'd pre-filter myself out. | |
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| Specific PreScreening Techniques
Posted: 1/21/2008 1:35:06 AM | I am not sure why you think you are going to be able to screen someone if they are bound toward deception. The Internet is really not different than any other type of dating with the exception that if people are truthful, you can avoid taking the time to get to know someone that is suited to you but may have a particular deal breaker or something else you might avoid like smoking or a different religion; something that in real life might not come up until date 5 or 6.
If you want to pre-screen your people the only way you are going to be able to really do it effectively is if you do hire someone to do it. What would you do if in a bar? You would ask him questions and tell him about yourself, which is what you do in e-mails. It sounds to me like you just need to e-mail more before you meet someone. In real life you might wonder why a guy who claims to have a job that nets six figures drives a small and/or older model Toyota, but this is no indication of veracity, just whether he wishes to spend a great deal on a vehicle.
I have a friend who owns a lighting business and he drives a rather crappy truck because he hauls work things but also because he feels that if you show up to meetings with clients in a Mercedes, they wonder why they are paying you enough to afford to drive a Mercedes. You may think that a nice car is indicative of stability or income level but while someone might drive a Porsche, he might have put a substantial downpayment on it or spends his entire disposable income to do so. And with leases, driving vehicles that are beyond one's means is much easier than it used to be.
You cannot eliminate chance and risk from dating. About the only thing you can do is use your brain throughout and ask questions that are designed to allow you to get to know someone. If information is provided that doesn't jibe with other things they have told you, you have a or some red flags. Enough before the meet and I would come out and say, I hate to even ask but in the past people have....blah, blah. He has the option to become offended because you distrust him from the get go or understand that you are gun shy and take the opportunity to prove that he is who he says he is.
For almost any specific we could give you, there would be exceptions that would indicate the opposite. No land line can mean someone is married but many people today only have a cell phone, particularly if they do not have kids that might be left in a house without a land line. That's why we cannot really even give you pointers in this direction because as another posted noted, what she says or asks depends on their profile and then their e-mails. You seem to be intelligent, keep the thinking cap on while you are talking and just do not agree to more than a brief meet if you don't feel comfortable about the guy. | |
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