| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 5:56:59 AM | I have been talking to a few female friends of late and we all have something in common...
We all had been seeing someone ( not the same person) but in the matter of a month give or take a week we all found ourselves dumped...although the way it happen was the same... strange you may ask.... well I dont know.... I dont know if this is a on going trend or not but this is what happened.
GF #1: Was seeing a guy#1 for a just over a month... she'd been single for awhile.... he only 4 months... eventually slept together he messaged her a few days later saying he has gotten back into a relationship with the ex. A few weeks later she met someone else (at random clubbing) saw him twice (havent slept together) made plans to go out nothing from him.. now he lives with his ex.. so we are yes assuming he has gotten back with her. Guy#1 is now messaging GF#1 wanting to get sexual favours and has said he has broken up with the ex gf again.
GF#2: Started seeing a guy.. newly separated 5months that the time from a marriage... saw each other for about 6 months... they made plans to do something new years... he rung up and said hes doing the family thing... and has gotten back with his wife happened all of a sudden (christmas day)
Then me it has happened to me twice once when i was 20... the other just recently... had been seeing a guy for about a month he had been single for 6 months... he went up north to see his brothers... spoke on the friday everything was sweet and told me everything was perfect and i was his ideal partner.... i felt something was wrong so i messaged him... in his words he totally unexpectedly ran into his ex went out for dinner and giving it a try... he told me this on the wednesday.
Now i do see a pattern... lol... I dont know if it is a new trend for people wanting to get back with their ex's or not.... but all i can see in the pattern is that they have been single less then 6 months.... and it so happens that the ex's find out they are seeing someone else and want to get back with them. This part i do know as another GF of mine wants to get back with her ex ( have been separated since 2003) coz he has now moved on and has a live-in gf.
So i guess i wanna know if anyone else has experienced this of late/ever or knows of anyone else that has.... if so why did you/they want to go back to the ex?
I just find it interesting as i know i would never go back to my ex for obvious reasons...lol.
oh and no one got their heart broken over this bar the 6month one she was more so confused then anything else considering what his ex was like..lol. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 2:23:31 PM | The grass is always greenier on the otherside of the fence. Why is that? So these guys (girls do it too) left their ex's because they thought they could do better.
Time heals all wounds. Once they have been away for a while they forget the reasons they left and think maybe they should make another go at it.
I think couples break-up at the drop of a hat these days, they don't really try to work things out, divorce is so common place and accepted it has crept into our morals. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 3:44:47 PM | I dont know if it is the case of the grass is always greener.... these examples i gave the ex gf did wrong and it was the guy that broke up with them.... im not gonna go into the reasons as to why they broke up the first time but lets just say these ex gf's treated their bfs /husbands like a piece of dirt.
I have other 2 examples... a guy i know was in a 18 month relationship.... loved her with all his heart... she treated him like shit and did things to him that no one should have to put up with.... he did break up with her.... he is trying so hard not to see her as she is not accepting the break up and still fukn with his head.... he has admitted to me that if he does see her he will get back with her and his life will be worse off then it was before.
My ex has been with this mole (i cant stand her..lol.) for 4 years.... they have broken up many times in that time.... 2 clean breaks when they moved up here where she left and went back to syd... each time he paid for her to go.... and within a couple of weeks to a couple of months she is back to which he also paid for.... her last reason for break up was she wanted to move back to syd when my ex was starting arrangements to see our son again ( she is the reason why my ex never saw our son for 3 years he had to choose and picked her)... now he knows what she has done...he knows what she is like.... but he was still willing to take her back with the risk of her starting her crap again (which she has and he has told me that she is ok with him seeing our son if it is not often... and is ok with overnight visits coz he has his own bedroom but there are rules for our son and our son doesnt like her).... I do not want him back (been 6 years why would i ) so there is no jealously going on...he just needs to grow some balls and tell her to accept and respect that our son and i are apart of his life.
One ex of mine told me he got back into an abusive relationship with his ex as it was a habit.... and he didnt like being out of his comfort zone... he knew what it was like... and was willing to put up with it..... but she only wanted to get back with him once she found out he was living with me.
mind you my father is the same ... for years i have been telling him why are you doing this to yourself... the company is not that needed when ya sitting here b!tching and moaning about how horrible this person is... actually hes got 3 going at once at the moment so its triple annoying...lol
I know guys do this too to chicks... but it is becoming apparent that the roles are becoming reversed and its the guy that keeps going back for more willing knowing what could happen again...
Could the getting back with the ex within the first 6-12months be the rebound relationship?.. or are the ex's jealous that they have moved on and have met someone else? (one of my gf's has openly admitted she wants her ex back coz he has moved on and is living with her).. or is it if i cant have you no one else can?.... or is it that males are becoming the weaker gender and not wearing the pants in the relationship anymore? | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 3:45:48 PM | | That is one of the reasons that many people looking for divorced and not separated. When one is divorced you at least know that the connection to the ex is broken (well mostly) and also that the person accepted that, and wants to build new life with somebody else. When separated - like skierMik said - many - not all, just trying to see if they can do better... | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 4:03:22 PM | Im seeing this trend more so with just bf/gf relationships... not as much married/separated.
The one married example the wife wanted the divorce... the husband moved out the wife still had control over him... he met someone else and it was going great.. and the husband started standing up for himself and saying no....it was coming up to the 12month period the wife wanted to get back together within 3 days he went back but took 5 days to tell the person he was with....
I also do not understand my dad... my mother cheated he kicked her out... he filed for separation the next day 12months later filed for divorce... says he never wants to get married again and hasnt in the 20years... but in those 20years he puts up with alot of shit from these females which is worse then someone cheating on him... he tells them he is not happy.... they change lasts a few weeks and it starts all over again.... but he keeps going back for more.
Have some men taken on the sensitive role that should have or that has been known as the females?
As im seeing alot of them running straight back to the ex as soon as the ex clicks her fingers. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 5:31:31 PM | Ahhh, yes, the Ex.
Men and women both do this, and I think in equal numbers. I've had it happen to me too. Not THIS year, but it's only January, so I'm sure it will. :)
There are a couple of reasons I think it happens. One is that they still have feelings for them. That's pretty obvious, I guess, but still worth mentioning. The number of people who are still "hung up" on their ex. And even if the other party doesn't feel ENTIRELY the same having someone so strongly in love with you can be a powerful attractant. At least... so I've heard. :(
Anyway, another thing is that we tend to like what we know. "Better the devil you know" isn't just a Kylie Minogue song. I find it fascinating that pain and unhappiness can be part of someone's "comfort zone". People also will "associate" specific feelings (such as sex, or being loved, or comfort or safety) with a person, neatly forgetting that they can have sex with another person. This is most common in the most recent ex, or if the ex was the last person you were intimate with. Hence the male concept of "going out and getting laid after breaking up with someone" is not all that dumb. It's kind of like sniffing coffee while testing perfumes, clears the palate. :)
Time does heal all wounds and people remember only the good and forget the bad. Single people are also notoriously... not sure how to put it, and desperate doesn't make me sound good. Let's just say they might be willing to make compromises that they shouldn't. After all... being in a bad relationship is better than being alone. Right? Right? No, me neither, but it's a common feeling.
And last but not least, sometimes there's something to try for. The pressure to save a dying marriage (especially) is strong, and there's a lot of impetus to "give it another go", especially if two now newly single and emotionally connected people do something stupid like sleep together and forget that they actually just don't get along anymore. And even more than saving a marriage, there can be pressure to save a family. It's difficult to leave a husband or wife, but it's crushingly hard to walk away from your own children. Even if you plan to see them as often as you can, it's not the same, and you know fully well you've broken a family. There's a temptation to fix it, to try again. A temptation that's both understandable and doomed to failure. There's almost always a reason it didn't work last time. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 6:23:41 PM | Can't be alone and will do/say anything to avoid being on their own.
Have a look at http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php
There's a forum there. Will take some reading, but you'll gain a better understanding of the behavioural traits. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 7:28:15 PM | | Hi agree with a lot of what whitegold has written . IMO Christmas time for me was a killer the 1st year ,you know family time wanting everything to be the way it should have been .(hence got back together for 6 weeks) but it is the same old same old . Some times you really think you know where you went wrong and can make things ok,after all you have kids and maybe just one last try. In my case I just had to say this isn't good for the kids and hell I'm miserable .I think with sex its better the devil you know mentality,you loose your confidence in your ability to be able to feel comfortable with someone new intimately. you know the ex knows exactly what buttons to push and there is no awkwardness . I know I did everything I possibly could to make it work and no amount of time on my own (dateless but not desperate)will let me be convinced ever again to give it 1 last try . People need to be strong and remember WHY they are not together and make sure they go forward not backwards . | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 8:05:32 PM | funny you should mention christmas time Deb..... GF#1 and 2 had this happen to them within the same week and myself the following week...
as for the guy that was in the 18month relationship... he had been married before they broke up 4 times got back together 4 times.... after the 4th time they realised it wasnt gonna work.
for my other gf that is jealous of her ex moving on and living with someone yes that too came over the christmas new year break when she realised she still had strong feelings for her ex... but she is just remembering and admittedly saying the start of the relationship (honeymoon period) was just so wonderful and she wants that back as she is seeing the person she fell inlove with come back now he is with someone else....
being intimate with someone other then their ex wasnt these guys problem...so going with the comfty shoes situation i dont think came into it.
i will admit i have gotten back with an ex.... we broke up due to my ex problems (sons father) i couldnt put him thru it and he couldnt bare to see me go thru it so the timing for us was not right... 2 years later we started hanging out and it just naturally happened... both were in good places in our lives.... but alas it didnt work out.... i know im not gonna go down that path again with him no matter how much i still care for him...
so now i personally will not put myself into that position with anyone be it still hungup on an ex... or im having problems with sons father.... hence why i have chosen to stay single for so long coz i needed time for myself to sort my shit out.... and not drag someone else in when i know im not 100% positive im ready to go out there and meet new people.
i guess another way to question it.... why do people go out and meet new people when they themselves truly know they arent ready to get into another relationship of some sort.? | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/16/2008 8:26:10 PM | | nun:- I think being on your own is too hard for some people , too much time on thier own . Maybe they don't like thier own company. If people are honest with themselves to actually have a good hard look at themselves is too hard . Some people like to have someone to look after or need someone to look after them .I usually don't like going out with anyone who has only just recently split . I like me and am totally aware of my shortcomings , (total b!tch )lol . That is why I like to be friends first . | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/17/2008 1:45:52 AM | Im in this very situation at the moment......I will let you all know when he dumps my a-rse and goes back to the ex!!! | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:06:37 AM | Wow! It must be a trend. I have just experienced this first hand.
Situation - Wife decides marriage is over and moves out of marital home of her own volition. Husband gets on with his life, works hard, looks after the kids full time, after a time and because of encouragement from a friend he puts himself on a dating site. Messages woman (me) does the message back and foward thing, does the msn chat thing, does the exchange of phone number, meet, spend a few weeks getting to know one another, natural progression into seeing each other a few times a week at least, have sleep overs, meet each others friends, kids etc. All is going well, until ex-wife comes to house to get the kids and realises that husband has moved on and is happy. Ex-wife decides that she is going to move back into the marital home (albeit in the fourth bedroom) causing all sorts of confusion.
Things progress from bad to worse and nine months after husband messaged woman (me) he does the 'i'm not ready for another relationship' thing. 'But can we still be friends, cause you're a great person and I care about you a great deal and I don't want to stop being your friend'.
My thoughts - Wife has decided 'I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either'.
I think that might be the case for many. I also know that in this particular case the husband feels that he owes his wife something (only God knows why). He has said that they will never 'get' together again, but still they live in the same house, he earns the money, she spends it, the children need stability and are confused over what the current situation is. He would prefer that the marriage never ended and says that he loves her but is not in love with her.
What is this phenomena? | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:18:34 AM | Avo ^^^ do you have a hidden camera at my house?
I just finished my post, helped myself to a large bowl of ice-cream with a a grated mint slice bikkie sprinkled on top. Sat back down, typed another post and then found this one of yours.
Please tell me where it is so that I can avoid doing unsavoury things in front of it. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:23:20 AM |
It's kind of like sniffing coffee while testing perfumes, clears the palate. :)
Can't say why - it's all too close to home still - but this quote made me smile, whitegold.
Sometimes, people just make mistakes, don't they? Isn't the point to learn from them? I certainly am hoping so. But the thing is, you have to be able to see the flaws, to want to see them, and sort it out...it's very difficult to make a mistake that is life-changing, harder still to see it, and hardest of all to live with the consequences.
I live with this every day at the moment. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/17/2008 3:23:11 PM | What is this phenomena?
Have a look at the site I posted earlier in this thread.
As I said, it takes some reading, but I think personality disorders account for much of this type of behaviour. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/18/2008 4:14:20 AM | Its happening with all ages...... even women my age and older are being propositioned by guys who want to keep the status quo and have the extras....say they are living apart from their families, and are looking for another area to move to.
Usually their business is tied up with the marital home loans etc and they will loose all of their super, so they move out for a a few months, until they realize that gee its hard to cope with life out there without the support of their families, so they run back home with their tails between their legs, having had a taste of freedom , not realizing they have hurt others with while they played away.... then 6 months later they find their lives have`nt changed and they try again..they get their kicks from trying something new again.... its like a toyshop there are so many young women out there who believe eveything they say , so they do it again and again numerous times. when you consider there are 7 women to every man ...
I find too many men in the 50s even say, they are divorced or have been separated for years............. say they live with their sisters, or mothers in law as their wives are supposed to be deceased etc. to account for the women having the same surname as them I suppose,
so I never believe them, I let them dig their hole bigger and bigger until they forget what they have told me, and finally tell me what the truth is ......or close to it.
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/18/2008 5:11:54 AM | I have no reason to post here anymore, because whitegold posts what I am thinking and want to say. It's uncanny man! Are you Brian Manix?
of course, for the moderators, thats a way of saying that I agree.. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/18/2008 2:40:04 PM | | I don't wanna work, no, no, not me......but I would like to be able to one day be in a relationship that doesn't result in this one woman hooking up with my ex's. Okay, so it's only happened twice - but hey, I have only had two real relationships in 9 years! IQ - I think you're right. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:32:06 PM | | I think she must like your taste in men, maybe you should take it as a compliment from her? Strange that she would do it twice though. | |
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| New Relationship Trends?
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:40:28 PM | Not strange really, Mik- I do have reasonable taste!
I just wish I was over them before she moved in. It makes it tough to watch. She's an interesting girl - broken inside, and doesn't see it yet - she may never. | |
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