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 akeeper49
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 1
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriendPage 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I don't know if this is the right place for this posting, but I could use some advice.
I've been with a woman for about 18 months now. We love each other, and we moved into a house together eight months ago, but we have a lot of conflict, and she keeps threatening to leave every time we have a fight. We both have issues and baggage.
We are currently on the verge of breaking up over my reaction to her relationship with an old boyfriend. She says I have trust issues that will ruin the relationship, while I say she is not respecting my feelings and is giving her friendship with an old boyfriend more currency than her relationship with me.
A few months ago, we had a big fight over the fact that she has a couple of old boyfriends on her Facebook site and likes to stay in touch with them. (One is married, the other one isn't.)
About a month ago, she was invited out for drinks with one of her ex-boyfriends (the one who is single). She hadn't seen him in a long time. We had already been through a hellish fight over the other ex-boyfriend, and had even gone to counselling to try to get the issue resolved. I fully admit, I've got some trust issues, and I'm trying to work on them.
When she came home after having drinks with this guy, I asked how her "date" went (yes, I was needling her), but did not say anything more about it. Even though it did bother me, I was trying work on my trust issues so I just let it go.
Just recently, things were getting back to a bliss stage with us -- great sex, lots of cuddling, etc. (Ours has always been a fire and ice relationship.)
But last week, she texted me at work and said she was going out with this old boyfriend again, this time for dinner. I texted back: "Gee, he's taking you out more than I am these days." She responded: "Yeah, it's starting to look that way." (a little dig, perhaps, that I don't take her out often enough, although I had just taken her out for dinner the weekend before last).
Her dinner date lasted about three, three and a half hours, and when she got home, I again asked her how her "date" went. "You sound upset," she said, and then went to bed. Didn't bother to ask me how I was feeling or anything.
I slept on the couch that night -- I was upset but didn't want to get into a fight (I have joint custody of my young son, who was with us that night, and we never argue when he is there .)
The next night, after work, we got into it. Huge fight. Lots of yelling. I asked her why, when things were going so good, would she put our relationship at risk by doing something she knows I have a problem with. She said that, judging by the fact I seemed accepting of her last date, she thought I was OK with it. I told her I was OK with her going out for drinks one time, but this was the second time they went out in about three or four weeks. I told her that when I am in a relationship, I don't believe that you get to date other people, old boyfriends or otherwise. She kept insisting "it's not a date!" He's just a friend -- someone she has known for 14 years.
So, here's where it stands. She feels my trust issues are just that -- my issues -- and she does not want me telling her who she can be friends with. She has very few friends, incidentally -- we are alike in that respect. Two of her closest and oldest friends are old boyfriends. She has made it clear: If I give her an ultimatum, she will chose the old boyfriends over me.
I don't really believe that she is inclined to cheat on me. In fact, I think is is very trustworthy. These are old issues of mine (I was betrayed by a woman I loved once, and my father basically drilled it into me that women cannot be trusted). Despite trusting her on a rationale level, on a gut level my conditioned response is to feel very uneasy with her going out with an old boyfriend. Once in a blue moon, OK, but if this is to become a regular thing, I think I would have a problem with that.
I told her that if she insists on going out with old boyfriends, she can't complain if I start going out on the occasional date myself. She is livid with that suggestion because she says that, while her intentions are strictly platonic and innocent, I cannot be trusted to go out with other women because, for me, a date is a romantic thing (she's right about that -- I do think a date has some element of romance, which is why I don't do it and why I wish she would not go out with old boyfriends).
For her, this is a "deal-breaker." In other words, if I give her an ultimatum (she must stop seeing her ex-boyfriends), then it's over. She won't be dictated to.
Here's the question: Am I totally out to lunch, or does anyone agree that it is inappropriate for her to continue to see her ex-boyfriends when she knows it is an issue for me? I look forward to hearing from men and women on this issue.
 kisstheviolets80
Joined: 12/15/2007
Msg: 2
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/17/2008 11:25:39 PM
You don't REALLY seem so certain that she would be faithful. Here is an idea, before you spazzzz again, ask her if the three of yall can go out for drinks and be nice and get a feeling for it before you spend another night on the couch.
 christi66
Joined: 4/17/2007
Msg: 3
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/17/2008 11:26:21 PM
If they are just friends , you should be able to tag along on a friends night out . Personally a person with someone should not be going on a DATE with another person unless their mate can come along . She is giving you reasons to not have trust when shes going on a date with another man .

There is a saying don't make someone a priority when they are only making you an option . sounds to me like you are her option .
 Ignoble
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 4
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/17/2008 11:27:08 PM
Buddy... I didnt even read the whole thing. The first few lines said it all. A woman who constantly threatens to leave REALLY wants to and is just looking for an excuse. Making you give her what she wants is just a nice sadistic bonus. Pile on top of that, she wants to maintain a "friendship" with her bf? Hahaha, buddy. Id be surprised if she even broke up with you before she slept with him. Cause have no doubt, shes going to screw him silly if she hasnt already. Knowing that, Id say it was your call about what to do. I know Id use her till she cheated on me. She'd deserve it.
 et1000rr
Joined: 12/23/2007
Msg: 5
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/17/2008 11:31:19 PM
you did the "guy" thing by saying you'd go on your own dates... try a "smarter" "why don't we all hang out together" then you'll atleast be able to see how they interact. don't go with the intent of watching them. go with the intent of having fun and maybe getting to know him as friend as well. I know...easier said then done. Don't know if i could do it. But if it's that big of a problem...theirs plenty off fish in the sea. No guy wants to be the retard that hangs out with the guy his gf is currently cheating on him with...but be rational about it.
 Printscharming
Joined: 4/19/2006
Msg: 6
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/17/2008 11:34:57 PM
Run from that...you think she would stick around if the shoe was on the other foot?
 MrTwistedPersonality
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 7
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/17/2008 11:46:09 PM
After reading through your posts, I do not neccisarily know how clear your relationship is, as you both have baggage. I would have to say that this is a tough call. If she invited you to meet her (I am assuming) ex-boyfriends instead of just going out without them and explaining very little, I would not see this as a concern as they have known each other for a while and would still like to have a mutual friendship. However, considering that she isn't making the effort to give you the security that the friendship is just that, a friendship, I would say that some of your suspicions are justified. As for the text message for her ex-boyfriend, personally I thought that have been brought up in person. That is the kind of thing you do to break up and avoid the emotional trauma of the other person.

As for seeing your old exes, if she has a problem with that and is not secure enough in your relationship, why deal with her problems as well as your own. Granted, you have a kid, but is seems to me that is the only real thing that is bonding you together. You have been with this woman for a little over a year, and already you are run down and at-arms with her insecurities as well as your own, what would it be like if it was 5 years down the line? I personally think that *if* you two were still together, both of you would be empty husks, worn down by your own paranoia, fears, anger, and emotions.

I'm not saying that you should divorce, but consider the future. If the councelling looks like it is working, stick with it. If things get worse, maybe it is time to move on.

Best of luck to you in your decision, and my apologies for being negative.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 8
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/17/2008 11:59:16 PM
OP - I am a woman who has many friends. These friends of mine are of both sexes and married and unmarried. I have previously dated some of these men friends, but when the relationship wained the friendship remained. Now in saying that, I have dated men who did not feel comfortable with me being alone with men that I previously dated and out of respect for the man I was involved with, talked to the friends he had a problem with and never spent time alone with them. I did not end the friendship, just my alone time with them. To me its all about being open, honest, trustworthy and having nothing to hide. I made sure that any interaction with friends my man had a problem with were in a group setting and in time, my man realized that the men he had problems with were only my friends and my romantic interests belonged only to him. All great relationships should be open, honest and communication is the best when shared.

If this girlfriend of your would choose the old boyfriends over you - let her and trade up as you deserve better.
 Coastergal
Joined: 7/24/2005
Msg: 9
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 12:06:51 AM
My ex's contact me... we're friends... but, if I was dating someone I would NOT go out for drinks or dinner with my ex alone.. I'd bring my man with me...

It doesn't sound good that everytime you get into a fight she threatens to move out. (I can't stand crap like that... if you got married she'd be threatening to divorce you)

You need to ask her how she would feel if you went out for drinks and dinner with your ex's without her. If she isn't comfortable with it then she needs to understand why you're not. You can trust her all u want... but, I guess I believe a family (even though ur not) that plays together stays together.

Little bullshyt digs aren't good either. Just be honest and let her know it bothers you...
 cubanguy
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 10
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 12:13:18 AM
If you love something... set it free.
If it comes back to you...

...you can always say " too late, get the fuk out of here"
 DjDug
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 11
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 1:18:30 AM

If you love something... set it free.
If it comes back to you...

...you can always say " too late, get the fuk out of here"



Yeah, the common point everyone's making is basically where it's at, you need to meet these guy's yourself. If your not welcome on these 'outings' then get out of this situation by the most expedient means. Once you've met them and seen how they interact with her your gut will tell you if anything is going on or not.
 outofthedesert
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 12
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 1:54:23 AM
read what coastergal wrote and think on it...................
 mike2040
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 13
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 2:22:00 AM
Its over. plain and simple. she wants out, but doesn't have the guts to say so. anyone who threatens to leave whenever there is a hint of trouble, is already gone.

Something else that has caught my attention is the mention of ex-boyfriends. im noticing that there is no mention of just my friend. If she is continually referring to these people as ex's and not friend's, you have a real problem. i don't think someone keeps hanging around someone they use to date ,and says they're my ex. but never say they're just my friend. the fact she went to dinner knowing that it made you uneasy says it all.

my advice. cut your losses. it sounds like its been over for a while, why not make it official?
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 14
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Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 3:05:02 AM
She sounds like she is BAITING you and you react...she likes pressing your buttons..

She is doing this for ATTENTION..a real ego booster..to have a bf yet have ex's interested too....

Don't have your goal in life second guessing your gf....she is not worth the hassle..because it's feeding HER ego. The more you fight..the bigger the kick...k?

Reverse psychology...like a child...if you don't react to the stimuli..they tend to settle down because they feel like the buttons are not there to push anymore....kapeesh?
 easyriderbabe
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 15
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 3:44:49 AM
I agree with most everyone here mate.The girl is baiting you.Who does she think she is, calling all the shots and giving you ultimatums.If she is not willing to let you meet with ALL ex.s so you can sneakily check out your worst fears and put your mind at rest, then give her the choice! Good luck.
 cocytus
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 16
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 4:49:11 AM
OP....you seem to have a number of trust issues.

If you can't trust your girlfriend not to get nailed by her exes...why are you w/ her?
While she should understand SOME of your insecurities (yes..they are YOURS) she shouldn't have to go through "huge fights" when she sees an old friend.

Hate to say it...this includes even if she's having sex w/ that "old friend."
If she IS having sex w/ them...then you should exit quickly and quietly from the relationship.

Bottom Line....the ball's in your court.
Whether or not you win the game is up to you.
 bugsi
Joined: 11/26/2007
Msg: 17
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 7:05:35 AM
What if you invited him around to your place to see what he is really like, you never know, if they are such great friends then you could be best mates?.....Then you could all have dinner together and Christmas and etc, etc.
 Twin Girl 61
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 18
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 7:14:42 AM
I think a partner needs to hear you on how you are feeling about this and if they have heard you would take steps to improve the situation. If these ex's are "just friends" they can be introduced to you, say they come over and hang out for a few hours at your place (do you live together?). Or all of you go out together. Either way it sounds like the woman you are dating is throwing a wrench into the gears when things are going good, why, I don't know.

If you wanted to play games (which is a waste of time really) you could start having dinner with your ex's too and tell your girl, hey two can tango.

This is not about you telling your girl who she can or can't be friends with. Its about her respecting her primary relationship with you enough to have things on the up and up and transparent. either you are a couple, or you are not. People who care about each other and are building a life together don't act like this.
 medana
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 19
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 8:01:26 AM
she sounds shady about it, to be honest.

as a general thing, though, i don't think exes r bad, i keep in touch w plenty and wouldn't date them again either... lolol... but we r friends still. i would not date a man that would tell me what friends to have and when to meet them.

the problem isnt the exes, its ur relationship. a rel breaks from the inside, and so does trust

but this particular woman does seem secretive. had it not been that way, she would have given u details about how it was etc, just like when u go out w ur friends and tell her the funny joke johhny said u were laughing all night over... or smthg like of the sort
 Pilot152
Joined: 10/16/2006
Msg: 20
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 8:12:25 AM
I dont have large insecurity issues but this behavior would certainly cause some discomfort. The threatening to leave at the drop of the hat, the exhange of ultimatums, the putting you in your place.... Sounds like she is trying to make you break up with her. Thought only guys used this tactic.
 happy2besingle
Joined: 1/11/2008
Msg: 21
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 8:20:14 AM
Dude..... if she is not hiding the fact that they are still friends and didn't lie and try to make it sound like they are just old friends..... What is the issue? Is it that you don't trust her?

A friend of mine made a very good point the other day..... As long as she is more interested in you and wants to spend at least 60% of her free time with you..... you should be happy!

I myself don't hang with my ex gf's.... I have had the odd contact from girls I dated in the past tho. I have no interest in getting back with any of them..... they have become my friends and that is all there ever will be......

I am in love with the woman I am with and no one could catch my interest as she does. It comes down to how much trust you have for each other. If you are worried about it..... ask her to let you come with.... meet these guys if she is meeting them.....

If all she is doing is talking to them on facebook...... dude...... chill you are throwing away something that you really seem to want. You can't control her.... tell her who her friends are going to be.....

Hell..... my gf has some friends who's morals are no where near what mine are...... doesn't mean she is going to run out and start doing any of them......

If you want continued conflict leading to an eventual breakup..... keep up what you are doing..... If you want to resolve this..... let her have her privacy and talk to her guy friends..... TRUST!
 HappyGilmore2
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 22
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 8:50:09 AM
OP OP OP!!! First of all, you should consider not being in a relationship until you personally have resolved your trust issues. Secondly, stop being naive about her escapades (dates) with the ex. I hope I am not fuling a fire here but the odds that she is still doing (not dating) her ex is 99.95%. She is using reverse psychology when she is blaiming you for not trusting her (while simultaneously giving you every reason not to). So wake the f^&k up.

She is livid with that suggestion because she says that, while her intentions are strictly platonic and innocent, I cannot be trusted to go out with other women because,

It takes one to know another!

Am I totally out to lunch, or does anyone agree that it is inappropriate for her to continue to see her ex-boyfriends when she knows it is an issue for me?

OK. OP. You are going to get it the non-political way.

a) She does not respect you (that is obvious).
b) The odds that she is more than friends with her ex is virtually guaranteed.
c) Your insecurity is driving a big wedge into the relationship and she is feeding off and using it.
d) This relationship is already a dead end.

In summary. This woman is poison to anyone who already have trust issues. Cut bait and go and work on your own trust issues before you try to form another relationship. There are great women out there but you will not be able to keep them around until you personally give them a stable environment to work with.
 HappyGilmore2
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 23
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:06:15 AM
You need to ask her how she would feel if you went out for drinks and dinner with your ex's without her. If she isn't comfortable with it then she needs to understand why you're not.

Coastergal. This is good advice. It will unfortunately would not work. OPs girl is most likely smart enough to realize that preventing him from tagging along is an admission of guilt. Instead, she would make a call to her ex who would play along with the acting job that would follow. Remember, since this affair (yes I am calling it what the odds favor) is in the open, both, meaning OPs girl and her ex, are in on it and both would loose if caught.

Dude..... if she is not hiding the fact that they are still friends and didn't lie and try to make it sound like they are just old friends..... What is the issue? Is it that you don't trust her?

Classic reverse psychology. This is why woman are better at cheating than men.
 Wolfie65
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 24
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:09:36 AM
Jiminy Crickets, man, you really need advice on this one?
Kick the biotch to the curb and run like hell.
 cocytus
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 25
Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:19:15 AM

Classic reverse psychology. This is why woman are better at cheating than men.


I beg to differ.
Women are just as bad at cheating as men are.
Women bring an emotional attachment to a relationship that allows them to:

1) Keep gifts that are given to them.
2) Talk about the relationship w/ somebody who could blab about it to the party being cheated upon.
3) Will detach emotionally from somebody when they cheat on them.
4) Use emotions rather than facts when telling a lie.This works if the other person is emotional when hearing the lies,but fails because the successful lie has some factual elements to it.
Men listen to stories for the facts (well...not BS stories that is) not its "emotional content"
And
5) Most women (like most men) are poor liars.

All of all the things above ALWAYS true?
No.
But they are true enough times to make women just as bad at cheating as men.
Have I missed those signs in the past?
Sure...some,but not all of them.

Bullshit has a familiar sound as well as smell.
When I hear it...I recognize it.
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