| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/18/2008 11:00:38 PM | I read the profiles of Forum Participants. Makes it more interesting to interact on the forums if you know something about them. I feel sure many of us do this. (Which confuses those who are new to the forums and notice they are being 'viewed' more often).
Anyway, the above is a preamble to my thought process.
I've noticed that many 45 plus year old women smoke. The men.. not as many it seems. I know that I prefer a smoker so that I won't be nagged about my smoking. Granted I don't smoke in most rooms of my resident nor in an auto...but, that's a whole other thread. I' m still a smoker (no matter the restrictions I adhere to) and I prefer a man who smokes for a potential partner.
Maybe.. just maybe... the problem men who are over 40 and growing disillusioned with finding compatible women in their age group can contribute it to habits... such as smoking, etc.
I've also noticed that more over 50 yr old men (at least the profiles I've seen) put that 75 mile radius distance in than do the 30-40s male group.
And, honestly... I'm not 'men bashing' when I say this...but, check out the profiles. Do a random...but, good decent number of sampling... and see if there aren't more men who appear overweight, yet have a much younger age range preference than women in the same age bracket (I'm referencing those 45 and older).
Just some observations. If I'm wrong.. then, I'll gladly admit it and would like it to be pointed out.  | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/18/2008 11:16:26 PM | I had a guy yesterday IM me...all was going well...and he said..but you are kinda too far away from me.... I said...no worries....yup... Im like on the other side of the moon... (here I was like a 40 min drive away... I understand that).... and thanked him and said good bye.
he IM back..but you are so cute... but I assume that you don't drive....yada yada yada....like???????????
WTF??????? told him that was an interesting statement...I've been driving for like 25 years now...no more sportscar...now a mommyvan...but..hey.. no worries... I live so far away anyways so it doesn't matter. Bye.
He IMs back...well I noticed that MOST WOMEN HERE ON POF DO NOT DRIVE.
okie dokie... well Im too far away for you...so no matter... Im in North Van.. you are in Langley... no worries...the guy I was dating from Australia flew in every 3-4 months to see me...but hey... Im like too far for you....
HE IM ME BACK.......... I ignored him. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 12:16:30 AM |
Do a random...but, good decent number of sampling... and see if there aren't more men who appear overweight, yet have a much younger age range preference than women in the same age bracket (I'm referencing those 45 and older).
Okay....you strung together a set of totally subjective conditions, so GI = GO. There is no way on Earth to compare findings in this manner.
Why not just state your opinion and let others try to rebuke it, i.e. "From profiles I have read, the tendancy seems to be that overweight men age 45+ are looking for partners much younger than the partners women in general aged 45+ look for."
• I wonder if that's because in general women look for older men, and men look for younger women, so that in any age group, the result would be the same: Generally men prefer younger partners than women of the same age.
Broward can probably set you straight on how to do a proper survey, but do you want to listen to him talk about young women while his gut wiggles?  | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:13:13 AM | To me, distance wasn't a problem...........Wayne and I lived over 100 miles away from each other but we got together every weekend and eventually I relocated to where he was. Since I'm retired, it doesn't really matter ........ I've still kept my old friends and made new friends when I moved.
I've found smoking does make a big difference. At first I put "prefer not to say" in the smoking section because I am trying to quit ........ I had "not a smoker" when I was succeeding in quitting, then relapsed and when I met a guy, he thought I was lying about not smoking (which was true because I relapsed, right?) but I didn't want to keep going back and forth changing it on my profile. And yet I really wanted to meet a non smoker so I would be encouraged not to smoke because I do want to quit! And did for three months and hope to again........
Anyway, then people said that "prefer not to say" was a lie, too.........To me, "prefer not to say" means that when I talk to you, I will explain it further but oh, well.....so I finally just put it at smoker and left it like that ........... But I know that I don't smoke around my friends who don't smoke and that it would be easier for me to quit if I was with a guy who didn't smoke...........but of course, they won't consider me if I'm a smoker.............
Oh, well.......I had a guy write me the other day that I was the perfect one for him, etc., and I replied that it was a little early to know that but let's get to know one another (I read his profile and he stated he did NOT want a smoker) and he didn't write back. My guess is that when I responded to his email, he finally actually read my profile instead of just looking at the picture and how quickly I went from perfect to not worthy of consideration......... And I really do laugh about these things............I'm amazed that men just look at the pics ........ | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:37:14 AM | One fellow on POF recently said that he'd love to meet me. (Miracle, eh? Someone wanted to m-e-e-t). Anyway, I mentioned the potential of meeting someplace, only to have him state that he's a 'homebody' and doesn't go out. I thought... Huh? First, I'm not coming to your house. Second, I'm not dating someone with agoraphobia (not that there's anything wrong with it -- I just like sunshine). I don't think POF has a distance radius narrow enough for this one.  | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:41:21 AM | | First of all I'm not sure most people read the profile after looking at the picture. That being said, I have been dating a man that was fully aware that I am a smoker. When we go out I dont invade his space with smoking. I will excuse myself after dinner and go to the ladies room if the need for a smoke arises. After 4 dates I invited him to my home for dinner and he stipulated that while he is there I do not smoke. EXCUSE ME. It's my home!!!!!!!!! He knows I'm a smoker and I wont have rules on my behavior dictated to me in my own home and told him he's welcome to come for a nice dinner but if he has a dictitoral attitude towards any of my habits maybe this should end now. He came , I smoked ,but did not do it in front of him. I do stipulate in my profile I would like to quit but I will do that when I'M ready, not because someone else dictates I do it. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:53:19 AM | I had a local guy contact me... and there aren't many locals on here as I live in a small town. We e-mailed a couple times and I noticed on his profile it said, no smokers and he didn't drink. I wrote to him and said I was a smoker and enjoyed a glass of wine once in awhile. He wrote back and told me I could quit smoking and he wouldn't mind if I had a glass of wine, he could have a coke. LOL... The only thing I could think of after reading his e-mail, was control-freak... I don't try to change anyone but myself and would appreciate likewise. Needless to say, I never answered his e-mail and he didn't mail me again. LOL!!
galonthemt, if you were closer I could say it may be the same person!! LOL | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:04:26 AM | Well, if I am dating a non smoker, I don't smoke around them even if they are in my home. I do this even for friends who don't smoke. If they come over to my house and are there for hours, I will go outside to have a cigarette but I won't smoke in my house while they are there. I just feel that's being considerate of them. I wouldn't want a cigar smoker to smoke around me so I understand someone not wanting me to smoke a cigarette around them. On the other hand, I will excuse myself and go out and have a cigarette!
One of my friends who is a smoker was married to a non smoker and they were very happy for years. We live in Florida and the solution was that they built an enclosed patio on the back of their house.............she smoked out there and he didn' t have a problem with it and she didn't have a problem with it and they loved each other dearly.
Some people can't compromise that and I understand that, too............
I'm just glad that my friends love me the way I am!!!! And hopefully I will find a guy who will, too! | |
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soxxs
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Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 9 | |
| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:10:22 AM | I am a smoker. Distance does'nt matter nor does age. I would'nt hide my smoking for relationship sake. People have to take you as you are or not.
Its a choice. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:17:25 AM | I'm always amazed, stunned, shocked and downright puzzled about topics such as this----the one question in my mind is "so what?" Preferences are abundant here in both men and women's profiles and it seems too many think, given the person with a certain preference, that they are unreasonable. If a overweight guy wants to try attracting a younger, slim, fit gal why is that an issue or even topic to discuss?
Women AND men who want to make comments or complaints about the opposite gender profiles really, REALLY need to read an equal number of their own first. Only then can it be observed the number of preferences or how reasonalble (or not) they are relating to the profile holder. Honestly there are features on this website that allow us to click on the next profile, the oft-repeated "Next!!" heard here.
As for smoking sorry OP but at some point that was your DECISION to begin and everyday you make the same decision. While I won't bash you for this that is a habit that has publically fallen out of favor or being accepted as though there was never a choice. Smokers didn't have rights but they did foul up the air everywhere with little or no regard for those around them. Had this not been the case then the recent movement to limit when and where it is allowed would never have been as successful. Just as you might want to avoid men of any description you find not to your liking this is simply their preference.
Distance is another thing altogether and has a bit more of a practical reason for being preferred. It would take a highly motivated couple to begin and maintain something from over 75 miles (as an example)---most just obviously don't want to spend the time and money to make that work. A person over 50 might possibly be less willing to spend time commuting than someone younger. As an example of this from my 20's to my later 40's I would and did travel sometimes 2 hours in one direction for a date---today it would take a very special woman to draw me out. There have been a few but they do seem a bit less in abundance these days----that's completely and age related thing.
POF like every other dating site allows us to screen those with habits or traits we'd rather not date at all. In real life we're able to do this same thing but somehow that doesn't seem to be the issue as much as it is online. You will find those most vocal about any one particular preference are those who, more often than not, exhibit the trait or habit being excluded. Whether it is smoking, weight, age, height-----having a preference seems to offend someone.
We don't know these people so if they aren't interested in us based upon nothing more than a few photos and short blurb how we see ourselves then so what? I don't think most of us will loose any sleep over such a thing. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:20:52 AM | I don't have a problem with OP's terminology about sampling a decent number of people at random. I am not trained in marketing research either, but I did look up the meaning of a 'simple random sample' vs a 'random sample'. My conclusion was: "Holy f^ck, I'm drinking my first cup of coffee of the day and OP's context is still perfectly clear to me. The definition of a 'simple random sample' is close enough for a person stating their own observations of a goodly number."
My first thread of the day could have read: I was like sitting here at work for THREE hours the other day and I noticed that soooo many old guys, I mean ancient -- you know like over 45, are way fat and yet they think I should want them. Get someone their own age. Oh Marcie, here comes my boss again. I don't know what his problem is....(which I'm sure I've read somewhere else already anyhow). Time to go outside for a smoke and see what else the world has to greet me with.
For the record, weight doesn't bother me with a guy but age does. Got kids thanks! I go up and down on the scales myself all the time. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:23:03 AM | I read the guys profile before responding to any emails... if he is not a smoker.. I restate that I am.. if he doesn't drink.. I ask him, Why? As for distance been there done that! Traveled a couple of time across the state to functions with the purpose of meeting people I had met online... pretty safe way to meet someone who doesn't live close by... long distance is not for me...
As for the men.. I would never kowtow to a man regarding my life style choices.. I learned a long time ago that if someone is trying to change me... it means only one thing.. they didn't like me in the first place....!
So as far as the men being picky... guess I am too... why should I waste my time and energy on someone who is not looking for who I am and what I offer.... I smoke in my home and if a non-smoker doesn't like it... Well they can go Outside...lol!
A funny thing this morning... I saw a man's profile on another site and he states he doesn't drink but smokes.. then I see him here on POF stating he drinks and doesn't smoke.. Which is it???? Aaah men they are hard to figure out... right?
Just knowing who I am and what I won't change for love is half the battle...
Girlflower | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:33:41 AM | JWA says:
real life we're able to do this same thing but somehow that doesn't seem to be the issue as much as it is online.
I agree. If you say that you have preferences here on POF, you better be prepared to be criticized as 'shallow', 'failing to see inner beauty', or looking for something 'perfect' that doesn't exist. I'm not referring to this specific post (so I'll chime down), but to the Forums in general. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:59:56 AM | AAAAHHHH! Welcome to the world of Internet Dating!
A place where you can eliminate people with the click of the mouse.
Maybe....just maybe...the problem men, who are over 40 and growing dissillusioned with finding compatible women in their age group, can contibute it to habits....such as smoking etc.
I think the OP is onto something! I was happily married to a non-smoker. I am a smoker. It was never an issue.
It wasn't until I joined this site, that it's been pointed out to me what a BIG issue it is.
One fella, even went so far as to say " he didn't want to lick an ashtray". Well, I don't want to wash the racetrack marks out of his chitty underwear, either.
Have a good one! | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 8:07:40 AM | I don't know how many active members are on this sight but I daresay that are quite a few. We have to have preferences. Do you know another way to systematically go through every fish? If smoking doesn't matter, and age doesnt matter, and distance doesn't matter, what kind of filters are you going to use? Or are you just going to talk to every member? Are you going to meet every member also or do some filters come into play at this point?
Let's be a little realistic. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 8:27:41 AM | hey.. does size matter? lol.. maybe we should have a preference choice on that! Rotf..
I've had too many dates with fishes who sat there and were judge and jury... so weeding out by preference is a good idea... last time.. was a guy who was non-religious on his profile and the first phone call was all about G-D... and it was his G-D..only.!!. to the point he was practically yelling over any conversation lecturing me.. needless to say.. I said thank you for calling.. but one of my criteria is no.. argueing.. especially about something as personal as a religious choice...
I'm back from dating hiatus... and have rethought the whole thing... if it bothers me right from the beginning.. I know it will only bother me more and more as time goes on.. What ever happened to men who were trying to make a good first impression... lately I think men over 45 think well if she will stand for this rude behavior, maybe she's the one for me... so maybe rude or considerate might be a good preference choice...lol! Added to smokers vs non-smokers, distance.. height, weight..
Girlflower
getting cranky with all this BS!! | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 17 | |
| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 12:00:27 PM | I have to admit, if it weren't for my smoking I would have pursued some kind of relationship with more women; but, we all have choices.
Same goes for distance, it would not last, and, since I am not going anywhere right now, I do not keep on writing to those whom live on the other side of the World. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 12:17:54 PM | I got an e-mail from a man on POF..who had no smoking on his profile. I told him..I smoke..and am not able to quit at this time..and asked if he was still interested. He said..yes..that he too smoked..sometimes. His profile..didn't say smoked occasionally though. I thought..okay..not a big deal. Then..we met..and he smoked more than I did. I asked him if he was nervous..he said no..not at all. I pointed out the ashtray being filled..by him..and he laughed and said..I know.. but I'm trying to quit. I met with him a couple of months later..as he had been ill..and he was still smoking like a chimney..and his profile never changed..it still said..he didn't smoke.
We've stopped seeing each other for different reasons..smoking was'nt the problem. I just thought it was funny how..he was just trying to lie about his smoking..so he could attract non-smoking women..which he later came out in the open with. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 12:18:22 PM | OP: I was a smoker and gave it up in '95. If you smoke
that's your choice and if I choose not to be with a smoker thats my choice.
I agree with "Tramp" on distance being a deterent in a relationship. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 12:32:05 PM | Thanks to all! who recognized that I am truly speaking of a 'pattern' observed during a 'simple random sampling' process. And, it was not a gender bashing post at all.
We all have preferences. I do. I will not get into a committed relationship with a non smoker ever again until I can be as sure as humanly possible that it won't be an issue later on. I don't care if a guy has a few extra lbs. Just not when the few is excessive. AND.. men have their preferences. It happens via the internet. It happens via the real world... Example, I have limited my pool of available men by the mere fact that I smoke. But, some compensation is that I do not put a 'distance' limitation or age limitation on my preference settings.
My point was the 'preferences' I've observed in direct relation to age groups. To me, it was glaring. Based on the sampling I read... which could be different in actual fact... it appears. Operative word 'appears'... that in the age group of over 45 yr. men, they seem to prefer the short radius of distance and younger women. This converts to the 'odds' that their numbers will increase in staying single longer than any other age or gender group.
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 12:33:23 PM | If a person smokes, it is best if they disclose this. A man I had ONE date with, told me that he smoked occasionally. From the time he picked me up until he dropped me off, he chained smoked, and I do not smoke. I wish he would have said something to that effect before I agreed to go out with him.
The distance situation is a biggie. Having had long distance relationships, I know that in the long term they prove to be a problem. I like to be able to do something spur of the moment. Have him come over for dinner if he has had a long stressful day, attend functions, go to a movie, dinner, visit with friends, spend the night just 'cause...etc. With a long distance relationship, we can just talk about those things.
I find it that those who have had long distance relationships that ended after a while are the ones who hate to travel over 30-45 minutes for a date. At our age, it is our experience that makes us as WISE AS WE ALL ARE. I have no hard feelings towards those who chose not to travel far; they know what they are talking about. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 1:43:56 PM | I bet a lot of guys are like me, once they reach a certain age they're pretty much tied down to one location because of work or family roots. Heck, I'm sure it's true of everyone. I finally gave up smoking for what I hope was the last time but after 18 years the smell of one still makes me want to light up. But neither of those are necessarily a deal-breaker. I've done much goofier things out of luuuv.
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 2:06:52 PM | Broward can probably set you straight on how to do a proper survey, but do you want to listen to him talk about young women while his gut wiggles
It might be funnier to talk about young men but I'd have to develop new urges and material so last night's story is a woman in her late 30s, my current pool love interest -
Lisa.
So I walk up to the pool bar and she's standing outside smoking with Nominal Boyfriend and her eyes go "flutter flutter flutter" when she sees me. Yikes! I never saw her eyes react to me like that before.
Then I'm waiting for my turn at pool, jabbering with the two tall Microsoft guys, a game developer and the British dude. Now she's standing next to us... Nominal Boyfriend is off sitting by himself. Is there Trouble in Paradise already? God, I hope so. She's all happy and cheeerful and smiling and talkative.
Not herself at all. 
And the body language.
OMG.
Why?
Why do I have to notice?!
LEAVE!
I'm trying to play pool, girl!
sigh.
I have a speed-dating event to attend. | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 2:56:38 PM | I've done much goofier things out of luuuv.
I luuuv your attitude!! And, Broward very cool. I'm actually starting to appreciate your posts. Egads!Musta been the whiskey, musta been the gin!
OP: I guess you're always going to have people who have preferences. What's important is that I let the other person know what my preferences are. Be upfront. Be honest. If smoking, distance, nationality, financial status etc. .... are important to me, I WON'T lead the guy down the garden path. I won't tell them they're unacceptable, that their behaviour is a dealbreaker, especially after weeks or months of communication. If I have no intention of meeting them or pursuing a relationship with them for whatever reasons, why would I continue? That's just WRONG!!!
If people have been honest in their profile (re: smoking or anything else) then someone who has a problem with any of IT.........DOES NOT continue emailing or even go so far as to meet them, to lecture them. Period. THAT'S VERY UNCOOL!!! | |
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| Maybe It's A Smoking/Distance, Etc. Thing
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:40:22 PM | I don't think the picky-ness is gender specific....although I would agree that men are more inclined to look at the outer packaging with much more scrutiny than a woman. We seem to be a tad more forgiving of superficial wear and tear, generally speaking.
However, I have some deal breakers such as the smoking and the distance thing.
I used to be a smoker......seven months ago. I quit smoking because my work mandated it. I had a choice: I could continue smoking and pay 100% of my medical insurance, or quit smoking and my employer would pick up the medical premium tab 100%. Add to that the cost of a pack of cigarettes is now over $4.00 and climbing where I live. Smoking has become a luxury that I cannot afford....and I am getting a second chance at life too. Don't get me wrong, I loved smoking. If I were to date a smoker, the risk of relapsing would be very high for me...and that is a chance I do not want to take.
Distance: I am of the belief that you CAN find love in your own back yard. The argument "what if your soulmate lives further than 75 miles away from you and you never meet him/her if you restrict yourself" doesn't fly with me. There are many, many people that I could classify as "soulmate" material so I am sure I can find one closer to me. It makes it much easier to get to know someone if we live in close proximity to each other. The more time you spend with someone, the better (and sooner) you will find out if you are compatible with them.
Sheesh this turned into a book....sorry about that. | |
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