| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 8:46:13 AM | Here I go again and needed to know how long is long enough to take it to the next level of a relationship or time to part ways. I have so many different advice from my girlfriends but I would like to know what is the right thing. You see I am in a relationship since May and was giving him all the space and time into making up his own mind about taking it to the next level. The problem is he is insecure and is not sure of himself. He is very shy and one of my girlfriends that did met him refer him as a winpy type guy. He keeps on saying he doesn t want to rush and make mistakes. So my question is Did you ever had a shy insecure guy before who wasn t sure of himself? Do those guys ever get cured from that? And it is true about once bitten and twice shy about being committed in a relationship? And how long should I wait until he makes up his mind or will he ever make up his mind? I just wanted to know if there is any hope. I hate to have my hopes up and end up being disappointed.  | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 9:20:30 AM | You have been waiting since May for your relationship with this man to evolve?
Are you saying he doesn't want to have sex? Or he doesn't want to be exclusive?
Doesn't sound like being shy is this man's real issue,he is just using his shyness as an excuse not to date you.
Personally,it sounds like this man only likes you as a friend,and maybe he is afraid of hurting your feelings.
Whatever the reasoning might be,I would move on. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 9:29:02 AM | It's not a matter of time...it's a matter of....do you see yourself being with him this time next year? Is he what your looking for? OR are you just settling ..just because?
The question is........will you devote another year or two..or three with this passive guy? or do you want someone with a little spirit? Sure I suppose your lonely but should you settle for ANYONE at this time in your life?
Sounds like your doing the FWB thing....being bed buddies without any commitments.. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 10:16:34 AM | Move on. Seriously.
Do you really want to be with a guy who "needs space" and "time" before "making up his own mind" whether or not he wants to be with you???
"Needing space" means - I need to get away from you because I don't care to be with you much but since you won't go away, I don't mind seeing you when I feel the need for company. His lame excuses are just enough to keep you hanging on to a thread rather than putting on your boots and walking awat.
The problem is NOT that he's insecure and unsure of himself-- he's not even unsure of YOU. He's already made up his mind about you-- he doesn't want more.
Don't you think you deserve better? Don't you think you deserve a man who thinks you're wonderful and loves being with you? | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 10:16:57 AM | Move on. Seriously.
Do you really want to be with a guy who "needs space" and "time" before "making up his own mind" whether or not he wants to be with you???
"Needing space" means - I need to get away from you because I don't care to be with you much but since you won't go away, I don't mind seeing you when I feel the need for company. His lame excuses are just enough to keep you hanging on to a thread rather than putting on your boots and walking away.
The problem is NOT that he's insecure and unsure of himself-- he's not even unsure of YOU. He's already made up his mind about you-- he doesn't want more.
Don't you think you deserve better? Don't you think you deserve a man who thinks you're wonderful and loves being with you? | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 10:48:54 AM | I don't think we have enough information to actually advise without making a lot of assumptions. Questions that come to mind are...
What level are you on now? What actions are included in that level? We really don't know what your relationship is to this guy. Or at least I don't.
I've read that guys tend to take twice as long to fall for the gal than it takes for the gal. I think there was research involved but I also think individual results will vary with individuals. Unless you are sure I would proceed with caution.
Trust and communication is paramount. Do you feel you each trust the other to be able to communicate on any subject without being confrontational?
I've been in the situation where I was falling for the gal. But she was saying she had fallen for me already. So she's pushing me to decide. If I have to decide like that then the answer will be no. That also revealed aspects of her personality I didn't realize she had. Impatience, intolerance and being pushy for starters. In retrospect or with the 20/20 hindsight I gleaned there were clues I was either missing or ignoring. This all happened in the space of about six months.
I believe My2cntsin has brought up some pertinent questions...
...it's a matter of....do you see yourself being with him this time next year? Is he what your looking for? OR are you just settling ..just because?
...will you devote another year or two..or three with this passive guy? or do you want someone with a little spirit?
On the other hand, being one who can easily be described as passive, even whimpy, yet has spirit but tends not to throw it in people's faces, do you trust yourself? Do you trust what you think? You have been in this relationship, from the beginning up to whatever level it is at now, for 8-9 months. Is that long enough to feel you know enough about the guy to decide you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Or should you take more time? What is the rush? What is wrong with being cautious?
I believe in the wise old philosophy that we should at least weather all the seasons with another before we make such a decision. It is a big decision afterall. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 1:31:01 PM | May was a long time ago.... it's been long enough. (assuming you aren't talking getting married or something... and you're just talking inital relationship things)
You say: "I care about you but I need to be with someone that that knows they want to be with me and you don't know that so I wish you luck figuring out what you need without me" he will probably say "Ok, bye" Then you walk away. Don't make it dramatic or guiltridden you are just setting boundaries in your life because you respect yourself.
Sometimes he might call when he figures out you're serious and her really does want to be with you. If he does call, things have a magic way of going quite fast from that point on. If he doesn't call you then you know if was mostly unsure about you (or a huge dumba..) and you're free to find someone that knows they want to be with you. Either way is a win for you. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 1:48:02 PM | OK...
So, are we talking about having sex???
May was AGES ago.........................it is almost MAY again!!!!!!!!
Be for real.........unless it is something you are waiting to be married to do.
Are we talking saying the three little words................that can't be rushed, and yes, some men(and women) are hesitant.....they have been hurt, and know that real love doesn't happen quickly and once you find it, you don't want it to end quickly either, so yes, some people NEED to feel sure. I do know, from experience, that if this issue is presented, and one person is hesitant, it might take that much longer, because now they are even more defensive.
I do hope if it's been since May that you are at least exclusive...that is step #1. I want to see only you, and vice versa. That says something. Different things to different people, but it is the beginning of SOMETHING.
Hmmmm......maybe this is about committment. Promising what? A man will be serious when he is ready and not before. If he's been hurt, burned, or has been single for years, all of those things play into the mix.
Talk to him, ask him where he sees your relationship going, say in a year? It is hard to do that and not press....I KNOW!!!!!
Want to know what I did? Maybe it is not the perfect answer for everyone, but when we talked and I felt he was way too wishy washy for me, because I knew my heart was gong to be broken if he did not feel as I did............I asked him if he loved me (I do NOT recommend this) because it caused a big .............misunderstanding and WE BROKE UP.
BUT, 2 months later and after having all the space he needed to envision his life without me............... he called out of the blue to admit that he could not forget me and that he had always loved me.
We are good now, but still not stressing about the parameters, enjoying time together, dealing with what obstacles we have until one day, we will be together, IF it all works out.
I wish you luck. And, I advise you to be patient, if it is really good between you. Now if he's spacey, vague, and the relationship leaves you constantly wondering and in want...... you have to own up to that as well. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 7:01:48 PM | I tend to always date shy, insecure guys. With some of them, a little gentle push is all thats needed, they want to dance but they need someone else to take the lead.
But there are others who will never have a relationship with a woman because their mom has ruined them for all women, mom is the ultimate woman, mom's opinion matters more than anyone else's input, mom is number one - til death do us part.
Which type is your guy? If he's the first one, be a bit more assertive with him, see if he follows it. If he doesn't, then you'll know its time to leave. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/19/2008 8:23:15 PM | Honey, if you are 50 years old and need to ask complete strangers how to manage your love life, you have major problems....
How about "Do what feels right for YOU and don't take advice from people who may or may not be as lost and searching as you are?" That work for you? | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 1:36:28 AM | | Unless you’re looking to march down the aisle, I’d say it’s been long enough. This guy is moving so slow he’s in yesterday. He is Wimpy. Tell him you’ll gladly pay him Tuesday for a relationship today. | |
|
| |
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 2:22:52 AM | when she says ,"how much do you HAVE?"..........................
Pointing up........I hope I look as good as you @ 90. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:43:00 AM | OP you've been in this 'not knowing' state since May?
Personally if I didn't have a clear idea of where the relationship was I'd assume I didn't have a relationship.
It is true 'once bitten twice shy' but I've seen this kind of thing that many times where a couple have even got married and the guy still isn't committed and they split up after trying to make it work for 5 years.
I wouldn't rely on hope - I'd live in the present moment. How do you feel right now? If not happy then pull that needle out of your arm and move on. That's what I would do. I lived in hope for 13 years that my wife would actually make an emotional commitment to me and 4 kids later realised it was never going to happen.
That's how long this kind of thing can go on for. Get with someone who makes it obvious you're important in their lives. If you end the relationship and he comes after you then you'll only get a better relationship with him. If he doesn't you'll know you were right to end it. After a while our self esteem level gets affected by this kind of thing. It's corrosive to you. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:50:51 AM | | Well in respond to what you are saying about me being 50 years old. While I need to tell you that most of my life is living in a box or the shell so to speak. I was isolated from everyone for many many years. Why.. because I grew up as an abused child and I was living a life in isolation so no one can touch me or hurt me. I felt really safe living in cocoon but it started to drive me crazy after living that way for so many years and it took five years of counselling and therapy to learn to take risks by trusting people. I still have a very hard time trusting anyone. Making any type of friends is still a hard thing for me to do. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:07:44 AM | The point is not about your age, but that AT your age you have lived long enough to decide this for yourself. Asking people of varied ages and experiences is going to do nothing but confuse you.
What YOU think is long enough is all that matters here. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:26:56 AM |
Did you ever had a shy insecure guy before who wasn t sure of himself?
Can’t say that I have.
Do those guys ever get cured from that?
I think to be cured the first step is to admit to yourself you have a problem. Once over that hurdle you can find yourself a woman to tell you to do with your life. This has worked for thousands of years, why change a well proven method.
And it is true about once bitten and twice shy about being committed in a relationship?
You can start of gently and just nibble at him. A little on the earlobe, for a start and then just work your way down.
And how long should I wait until he makes up his mind or will he ever make up his mind?
He has made up his mind, it is a woman’s job to change it. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:27:52 AM | "What YOU think is long enough is all that matters here."
And by god, I think that is an ACROSS THE BOARD STATEMENT APPLICABLE TO MANY AREAS if I've ever seen one!
Hear Hear, ESE! (or is it Here, Here?)
 9! | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:30:18 AM | You're 50. I'm going to assume you've experienced life. Why are you asking other people what you should do for YOUR situation? If you can't figure out someone that you've been seeing for 8 months at this stage, then I don't know what to say.
Why are you waiting for someone else to make a decision? Make your own decision and stick with it.
Good luck. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:42:00 AM | Hi,
Doesn't sound like a wildandcrazy person's actions to me! Dump him - there are too many fish in the sea to worry about him vascilating all over the place. Get out there and have some fun! Quit even thinking about it  | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 12:29:05 PM | | We had a thread here on a woman being tricked into sex after a couple of months and how there should be a law against it. Maybe the woman needs to be introduced to a man similar to yours. | |
|
| How long is long enough
Posted: 1/20/2008 1:17:25 PM | My2cntsin.. You took the words right out of my mouth.
Good advice here ...
OP.. don't settle for less than you are worth, it sounds like this guy may have some bed room issues and if that is the case there is help for that. unless he is getting it else where, Life is too short, live each day as though it were your last.
You deserve better... Come on girl your a Canadian,,, we girls know better than wait until it slaps us in the azz. | |
|
Home
login 
