| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 5:29:34 PM | Okay, so here is the scenario from which this thread originates. Not long ago I met someone on-line (and not on a dating site but on-line none the less..). We wrote and talked and got along really well. We agreed to meet for a drink/food at a local sports bar that we were both familiar with. We had a good time but I have to say that, as one who usually reads a person well (or so I think), I could not tell if this person was seriously interested in me or just enjoying the time out and pretending for my sake that he was having a good time. He DID insist on one more drink (meaning, did not run as soon as circumstances allowed him to). When we left, he walked me to my car and at that point (because I really wanted to) I asked him if I could kiss him. He most willingly (or so it seemed and even followed it up with a phone call minutes later) obliged..and even got "into" it, if you know what I mean.
I wrote a simple note the next day..stating how I had a good time and how he was a good kisser. I intentionally added that I would like to have the chance to kiss him again if it was allowed. (Remember, I could not read this guy!!!) He did repost..he enjoyed his time with me also and even commented on my kissing but never mentioned a 'next time'. After that, I wrote a simple thank you and have a nice weekend and I have not heard from him since. (That was Wednesday and it is now Sunday). I am not so naive to not be able to understand that some folks (him, in this case) may just not be that into me..but why the heck couldnt he just TELL me?
In normal circumstances, I would have written him by now, asking him his thoughts. But I have been trying to work on the 'not being so needy' part of me. But his actions were very confusing to me. Why stay out with me without a necessary escape too soon? Why kiss me or allow me to kiss you? Why do any of this if you dont feel a connection with me? Why not just tell me straight up what you are feeling, if not at the time, then in an email afterward? Kinda just leaves me hanging, ya know?
I ask you all this because obviously, I cannot ask this person directly.
What do YOU think is the nice/right way to let someone down? Would you allow for there to be a kiss with a person you could not see yourself seeing again? How would YOU let someone down gently? Should I just let it go??
Thank you in advance for your answers! | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 5:39:37 PM | THanks for your response. You are right. It WAS just one date but...I usually dont go out with someone unless I think I really like them. I can accept the fact that he may not have felt the same but I guess I just wish that there was an easy way to let someone down AFTER you have met them. I know that it is easy on-line when you have never met them but what about when you have actually spent time with them AND have kissed them and they have allowed you to kiss them. A little more involved there...at least for me. :)
But thank you..... | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 5:46:15 PM | You are right, he should have emailed you and said thanks but no thanks.
But some people are like that. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 5:52:38 PM | | How many guys or girls are just going to tell you that they are not very into you. I might do that and tell a girl that I am not so into that I have my misgivings, I like her in many ways, we could date or not date at all or if I am serious that I am serious and want more. Most people can't do that. Many guys like kissing women they won't see again and vice versa. I've been kissed before by someone who never saw me again. It's pretty common, you know..... | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:00:06 PM |
I just wish that there was an easy way to let someone down AFTER you have met them. I know that it is easy on-line when you have never met them but what about when you have actually spent time with them AND have kissed them and they have allowed you to kiss them. A little more involved there...at least for me. :)
It seems like the easy way of letting someone down is to just stop communicating. Several women I have talked to have said that men get angry and argumentative when they get rejected. A lack of follow up communication can be interpreted as "I'm not interested".
Personally, I like to know what someone is feeling, but I do understand that the most common way of rejecting someone is to just stop communicating. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:08:06 PM |
How many guys or girls are just going to tell you that they are not very into you.
Why not? If he was able to text me/call me AFTER the kiss and if he has easy access to me on-line, what's so hard about sending a little something, even if it's not what I WANT to hear? Sure, it would suck. But at least I would know....
Should one expect that a NO response whatsoever could not cause a reaction? I think that with a no response, a reaction would be totally called for. If someone at least takes the time to let you know respectfully that it is not going to work, then any type of reaction would really be a waste of time and annoying.
Sure, one might like to kiss no matter what the circumstance. But one must also be willing to set the record staright if nothing more should be expected by the other party from that kiss. Some of us dont always know the difference. 
Thanks for your posts thus far....I am learning, lol. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:11:33 PM | Seavoyance, And when you kissed that someone you didn't want to ever see again, did you kiss them with tongue ? Just curious..... LOL  | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:13:00 PM |
Why not? If he was able to text me/call me AFTER the kiss and if he has easy access to me on-line, what's so hard about sending a little something, even if it's not what I WANT to hear?
I can tell you from experience that most women WILL NOT tell you that they are not interested. They believe that not communicating is the best way to reject someone.
Sure, I want to hear something from the woman; but that's not the reality of the dating world. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:33:13 PM | Get used to it, it seems in dating today it happens more and more. I recently met a great girl she came over to my house we watched a movie kissed and fell asleep on the couch together. When we woke up I walked her out to the car she kissed me told me she had a great time. Next thing you know no response to a text or a call. No biggie I just sent her an email that said hey if your not into me no big deal I think we could be cool friends just let me know and we can go from there. She sent me back a msg that said she had a great time but im not her type. No biggie now we chill at the dog park sometimes things are cool just being friends things dont work out sometimes.
People just get afraid of confrontation, I always like to know personally then I can not think about it and move on. My last GF was afraid to tell me she met someone else said she just need sometime I finally broke it off because I could tell whats going on she still didnt tell me for 2 weeks after that. I mean why even play a game lets just say things didnt work and move on. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:40:43 PM |
She sent me back a msg that said she had a great time but im not her type.
Yes, but you GOT a response..you knew what she was thinking. So your situation is not the same.
I understand that one can be nice despite not feeling there is a connection. But lets not ASSUME that the other party knows what you are or aren't thinking...especially if there is any physical anything involved.
SOME sort of a response would be nice that would give me an idea. Sure, the guy responded to me but just to say he had a good time and that I was a good kisser. He still left me hanging though because he never mentioned about anything more. Should I take this as a hint? Probably...but why beat around the bush? Just be honest!!
Thats all. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:03:29 PM | Maybe I should move, cause I've never been kissed by a girl who never wanted to see me again. I must be in the wrong place. 
Seems like the number of wackos out there is increasing, and getting away from them intact is harder. Which is why more are disappearing in silence when a connections not made.
But in your case I think you're the one who dodged a bullet. Cause after checking your profile, he's gotta be crazy to let you get away. Let me assure you, you will never be the recipient of a pity kiss. If you come to CA, call me and I'll prove it. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:29:04 PM | | Maybe he's still letting it all sink in to decide if he wants to see you again. Not emailing him asking his thoughts is a good thing, cause that'll probably push him right off the edge of....nope, don't want to see her. Who knows. You may never hear from him again, or he may decide he really liked you and didn't want to seem too eager. I don't know, obviously I'm no expert, but you have to look at it from all sides. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:35:06 PM | You have two choices: either never do things that make you feel emotionally vulnerable or do them and live with whatever happens afterward.
The first option is probably never going to get you where you want to be, in a relationship (if that's what you want, I don't remember what your profile says, but you seem to want that, based on the amount of upset you have over this episode). If you can't be vulnerable....well, it will be hard for anyone to be in a relationship with you.
The second option....that's what being vulnerable is all about, taking an emotional risk without guarantee of the outcome.
So, you were vulnerable and what happened happened. It's no reflection on you, sweetie.
Let it go, this torturing yourself serves no purpose. You're a valuable human being and his behavior does not change that fact. You're wasting energy on something that is done and over. LET it be done and over. Let the wisdom that you can be vulnerable and maybe that will not be returned make you stronger. You've given but not received back. That's okay. It doesn't reduce the importance of the fact that you can give and be vulnerable.
I wish you all the best. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:46:09 PM |
(That was Wednesday and it is now Sunday)
It's only been 3 or 4 days - maybe he had plans over the weekend, going out of town, etc? If it had been over a week or 2, then maybe I could see being worried. Guys just don't place the same importance on calling 3 times a day every day that a lot of women seem to.
Give him a few more days before you decide he's an arse or that it was a "pity kiss". | |
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| First Falcon and SimmahDahnNah
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:53:53 PM | Thank you for your posts.
First Falcon, thank you for the ego boost (although that was truly not was I was seeking, lol). I will keep that in mind if ever I come to CA!
SimmahDahnNah, you are absolutely right. I may be jumping to conclusions here. In all actuality, it is a learning experience for me because I AM quick to make assumptions. NOT saying anything is hard for me but saying too much could make all of the difference in a negative way. Thanks for your input! | |
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| to linda2408 and whodatguy
Posted: 1/20/2008 8:02:02 PM | linda2408..I love getting a woman's perspective as well as that of a man's which we always think we want to know. Yes, I admit that I am vulnerable and I sometimes hate that fact. I think it makes me too needy...but sometimes I think this 'neediness' is warranted, ya know? Perhaps it might scare some off..MANY off. I would hope that it would show that I truly am intersted in knowing what someone is thinkijng and feeling about certain things.
Okay, maybe its a little too soon in THIS case to be so over-dramatic, lol....but I admit that I dislike not knowing the outcome. You are right. It is a risk we have to accept when entering the dating field. Thank you for reminding me of this. I will take it to heart. Thank you for your bluntness and for your well-wishes.
To whodayboy: I know, I know. But 3-4 days can seem like forever when you are left hanging! ;) I guess for me, if I am really interested in someone then I make sure to let then know in one way or another. No, it does not have to consist of 3-4 calls a day but even ONE call or text or email confirming the fact that they would definitely like to see me again would be of some comfort, lol. Just ONE!!
But yes...I should try to have a little patience before jumping to conclusions.
Thank you for telling me like it is. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 9:07:44 PM | | Is he a smoker too? | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/20/2008 11:27:06 PM | I'd say the ball's in his court now.
If he doesn't return serve then forget about it and move on. Why stress over it?
At least the date ended on a positive note as opposed to him walking in, saying "Oh hell no!!" and turning around and running out the door  | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/21/2008 5:21:33 AM | Well...
mostly if a man is into u.. he will drag his testes thru hot coals to get to u... but some men.. who are into u.. might just take more then say 5 days to ask u out again.. i mean its only been 5 days.. wait till friday if nothing then i would say not into u.. but he could be just not sure.. if thats the case he will take more time and then see which wins out.. ie.. more of u.. or less..
give it time and dont over read.. plus he might of been a bit shocked by ur initation.. some men love that but some men dont! | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/21/2008 5:59:34 AM | | On these sites sometimes you just can't read people. I spoke to a man from my area and we decided to meet one Sunday evening. He took me out to dinner, and an after dinner drink and then he came back to my home...Nothing but a few kisses happened that evening. I thought the date was great and I liked him from what he said and did. At this point, I definitely said he will probably ask me out again. Ok this is where I knew something wasn't right. I walked him to the door and he kissed me good-bye (a passionate kiss) and then said how do I get out of here (I live in a cul de sac..so he needed directions to get home)..never once said I will call you or I had a really good time or would you like to do this again. I learned when a man walks you to your door, car, etc...He should be the one to ask you...so therefore I said nothing but thank-you and drive safely. OK..Monday later in the afternoon, he is on POF fishing again. Obviously he did not want to see me again. There is no way in hell I was going to write him a note and ask him what happened. Right then and there I knew the writing was on the wall..He just was not into me. My ego was kinda of hurt, but so what. There are so many other fish in the sea and I surely do not want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. The only thing that bothers me about this is that sometimes I believe men give you mixed signals and you never hear from them again. I am a believer that if a man calls me and I did not feel a connection, I will say I don't think we are a match. The truth is always the best policy. I am not going to play games and let him call me and be a coward and not take his calls. I feel a man deserves to hear the truth..just as much as women. I think a nice follow up note from a man who spent 5 hours on a date with you whether he was into you or not would be nice. I would rather hear something from him, then nothing. Nothing feels cold. | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:18:44 AM |
Is he a smoker too?
Yes, at least when drinking.
Thanks all for the input. Guess I will just leave it alone and if he doesn't 'return serve', I will just consider it his loss!
Thanks all! | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:24:49 AM | it does sound like he had a pleasant time with you but not enough to want to see you again, for whatever reason
from what you've written by his polite reply to your note and then subsequent lack of communication i think he's trying to let you down gently by fading away, rather than have any kind of confrontation.. i understand both your points of view - yours, in that it would be nice to know for sure that there's not going to be anything further with him... but also his, in that i too dislike confrontation and will do what i can to avoid it, to a certain point... (i hate causing upset, but sometimes that avoidance technique causes it itself.. not good either way...)
maybe the kiss was because he found you attractive, (imo it's possible to find someone attractive without wanting to pursue a relationship with them...) or wanted to see if you "did" have chemistry together... at least he didn't string you along by going for more dates when he wasn't interested...
good luck moving on
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:27:35 AM |
I think a nice follow up note from a man who spent 5 hours on a date with you whether he was into you or not would be nice. I would rather hear something from him, then nothing. Nothing feels cold.
i do agree with you.. but it goes both ways... did you write to thank him for a lovely evening too? | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:52:51 AM | | I thanked him at the door and he knew that I liked him. So I guess I have too much pride to write him and get in touch with him. I think if he would of said something like, I'll call you or would you like to go out again..would of told me that he wanted a second date. This man had a ball of confidence and I truly believe that if he liked me..he would of called me. In the past many times I said to the guy I would really like to see you again and he said yes and then again I never heard from him. So you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. If I had enough courage..I would copy and paste my original post and email it to him and see what he says... | |
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| Pity Kiss?
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:35:06 AM | | Men are like buses, a new one comes by every 15 minutes, let it go, find someone who wants to be with you and does not play silly games of kissing you when he knew he wasn't really interested but acting like he was or giving mixed signals. I prefer no email or call if they are not interested, since when they have called or emailed they seemed arrogant and wanted to tell me what was wrong with me. A simple "thanks for meeting me, I do not think we are a match" is all I think a well-mannered gentleman ever needs to say to a woman he does not intend to see again. If she goes balistic on him or wants to know why he didn't like her, then that shows her character or lack of it or poor self esteem, etc. to me. | |
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