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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?      Home login  
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 123theotherman
Joined: 10/17/2007
Msg: 1
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I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?Page 1 of 1    
So I had been on POF for about a month when I met a girl that I liked (2nd girl to meet from this site). We get along great, have alot of laughs, and have much in common. We've met some of each others friends and everything has been going swimmingly.

Except...

I realized that she wasn't the usual body type I go for- which is the stick thin looks-like-a-junkie type. When it comes to body type (her face is pleasant) I have chose something different and I find I am paying the price in the bedroom. At first I couldn't even get a hardon- it took a couple of weeks- and now that I am successful at doing that she is enjoying the sex (lucky her). But I'm not. I have been telling myself (and her) that it's just a matter of time and we should just relax and let things happen naturally. The sex is getting better even if I don't get off. At first I went soft fairly quickly but now the hardon lasts - just me not getting off. She is going dry after some time or regular life intrudes (or I just want to quit after an hour). She has incredible understanding and patience but I think she is getting a complex from all this. I don't want her weight to get in the way of a good relationship and I don't want to upset or hurt her more than I already have.

On the plus side she has been working hard to get me off and her skills have been improving. I admire her tenacity and feel guilty of my inability to cum with her. I plan on staying with her and keep on trying but am not sure what I should do if this continues for many months on end.

Has anyone here had a similar experience? I know it's a little unusual for a man. Usually I would give up sooner if something like this would occur. This type of relationship is new to me as past relationships were highly based on sex. I've never had this problem before.
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I have over- analyzed this as well. I have questioned if my continued use of porn has affected my desire or expectation of women (Porn-tinted-glasses?) Is porn affecting other men similarly? I wonder if I've become such a consumer of sex-driven marketing that my expectations are too high. Are there studies on this? Or I am wondering if I am really not attracted to her and may never get off. I wonder if I have some commitment issues and getting off is like a commitment. I even question how strong my sex drive is and if something is wrong with me. Or if it's something else entirely. Is there anyone out there that knows of any good books that have dealt with similar problems from men? Any input would be appreciated.
 Kliewer_Stunts
Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 2
I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 2:10:41 AM
The porn tinted glasses are definately real. I have experienced it.. I've gone from being a real quick guy in bed... to being able to last for a long.. long time... which is honestly fine by me, and I'm sure is more than fine for her too... but there is a limit, and you shouldn't be overdoing it because porn well.. it's just for show and doesn't reflect reality... unless you can find a real.. REAL crazy girl.

I might ask though.. obviously this girl isn't doing it for you, are you forcing yourself to like her, to be with her, are you just with her to get your fix? Maybe you should be looking at someone who fits you and your desires a bit more.
 Twin Girl 61
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 3
I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 2:27:32 AM
it sounds like you just aren't attracted enough to her. it's not a crime.
 Domin818
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 4
I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 2:48:53 AM
2 things come to mind ( no pun intended)

1 is...you can't help who you are sexually attracted to. It is pretty much hard wired. She either floats your boat or she doesn't.

2 is..you mentioned liking porn..but did you really mean you enjoy masturbating to porn or just watching?

Watching only, can lead to expectations that are not met. I doubt that alone could account for your response to her.

Masturbating to porn has other possible effects to sex with this woman. See, we know best how to please ourselves. We know how to rub ourselves in just the right way, adjust the pressure and speed, just exactly how we like it. No vagina can compete with our hand. Masturbating too often can lead to non-satisfaction by intercourse or oral. It can also desensitize the penis to the extent that only a woman's hand can replicate the sensation of masturbating.

I would suggest you stop masturbating, and see if the situation with her changes. Give it a couple of weeks. If after abstaining from masturbating you still can't get off with her, then, you will have narrowed down the reason for not being able to get off with her. Reason 1 or reason 2.
 bikeman17
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 5
I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 3:11:22 AM

(her face is pleasant)

Read what you have written......The problem is all yours!

her skills have been improving

WTF!!!


Usually I would give up sooner


Best you give up now and buy yourself a full length mirror so you can jerk off whilst admiring yourself

ever considered you might be a condesending prick, the likes of yourself ,fill these columns with women wondering why men are so bad!
The worst part is , this woman "Might" think your O?K

Her face is pleasant............That comment made me feel sick

**** you!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 6
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I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 4:06:55 AM
Quit watching the porn and get into the mental aspects of sex, and one way you can make things easier until you figure this out is to remind her that you don't have to "get off." Women sometimes think that this is the goal of sex and it doesn't need to be. You are exploring unchartered territory for you and this is playing out in the bedroom, not a huge surprise.
 outofthedesert
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 7
I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 4:43:26 AM
Psychologist will tell you that you have relied on "self-fufillment" for so long and you are going against your 'type' and no woman can compare to what you experience with your celuloid honey. As a woman divorced from a porn addict, I resented him coming to me after being turned on by a film-her and it became less and less enjoyable for me. Because it took forever--I was exhausted and what pleasure I had derived early on was gone. Apparently things are changing for your lady--when the woman had to continue and continue and continue to help you--it ceases to be enjoyable because she knows what is coming after. A long work out. Same things for guys who cannot help a woman reach climax. Sometimes going outside your 'type' works and sometimes it doesn't. I am all for long sex sessions but not when it is a chore that neither is enjoying.
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 8
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I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:20:14 AM
You simply don't have a sexual attraction to her - maybe best to be 'just friends'! Sometimes we simply can't be turned on by someone we enjoy in other ways. You need to do both of you a favor and move on - if you can't get into her in all capacities. If you don't feel it now - you won't change it later on! JMHO
 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 9
I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:48:39 AM
Can anyone be more full of themselves than this OP? GET OVER YOURSELF OP, I doubt very much if you're all that. You post makes it sound like you're doing this poor girl some huge favor by having sex with her or even dating her for that matter.
Do her an even bigger favor and stop dating her, let her go find someone with a little smaller ego.

Sex is a two way street and you have this poor girl doing all the work while you sit back and blame her for your lack of creativity. Want to know why you're having such problem getting off, look no further than the man in the mirror, there is where the problem lies, not with the girl you're dating.
 SensualAquarian
Joined: 6/2/2007
Msg: 10
I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:53:03 AM
I would say end it with her, it's not fair to keep this going....Sounds like you like her company and in other ways but if there is no sexual attraction to her now there never will be. Forcing yourself to do it isn't going to help. Let her go and find somebody who is sexually attracted to her. She is working too hard to try and please you and it isn't happening because it can't and won't.....And I can sure tell ya that one of my greatest fulfillments sexually is knowing I can get my man off. I can tell ya she is disappointed and probably wonders if it is her. Time to get honest with yourself and her.....
 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 11
I can't get off with her. What's wrong with me? Or is it her?
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:28:32 AM
I am curious Op, while you're watching all this porn, are you sure that it's the Women and not the men that's turning you on?. you might want to take a closer look at that,


Maybe you're just attracted to the Pole and not the hole.
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