| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:27:56 PM | You're no longer in your 20's, 30's, or maybe even 40's and finding someone right isn't as easy as it once was and neither is simply dating.
But finally you've met someone who you think is perfect for you in every way.
You've had 4 or 5 great dates with hugging, kissing, hand holding, loving looks and you can't wait until you see and talk to the other person.
Both of you are ready to take it to the next level.
At your next date, one turns to the other and tells them they have an STD, (herpes).
My question is: How do you react? What do you say back to them?
Do you leave them and continue to look for someone just as perfect who doesn't have this problem?
What would you do? | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:33:09 PM | Bad as I hate to admit it.. I'd just turn azs and 
What I'd say to them before I left ? "I'm sorry, but I'm safe and healthy, and have gone for years worrying about pregnancy and can finally enjoy my sexuality to the max. I just dont think I could do that if I was constantly worried about catching a STD. I dont blame you, but it's not something I choose to have in my life right now and I wish you the best "
wQQt!!! You know a statement like that will just bite me right square in the buttocks one of these days, but it's what I'd do and say, might as well admit it. | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 3 | |
| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:33:43 PM | After posting this, you're not going to have to tell her.
But, if you believe the commercials for the outbreak medication (I don't recall it's name), plenty of people end up in permanent relationships with partners who bring herpes to the table . . . er, the relationship.
I know of two couples in which this occurred. One couple has been married for about 15 years.
I can't say for sure, because I don't seem to do long-term anymore. But it seems to me if I felt about a man the way your hypothetical couple seems to feel about one another, I would work with it. But that's a totally foreign concept to me at this point. | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:40:49 PM | So the two of you are walking hand and hand, the ocean waves are splashing into your legs, youre laughin and talkin and things cant get any better until she tells you that she has herpes..................
My first reaction would be to push her ass in the salt water and tell her to sit there and soak.........
but seriously, we all have health issues and though some are more embarrassing than others, would you rather her tell you after youve went to bed?
Her honesty accounts for something, VALTREX baby....sounds like youve made your decision about wanting to continue a relationship before she bust the news on you....
CONDOMS AND VALTREX!
but before you go buy the ring....maybe you should suggest blood tests and some std tests on your 6th date. | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:41:29 PM | | I have been disease free for all of my 47 years. As much as I may like or want this person I am afraid I would be picking a trail and off I would go | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:54:30 PM | Kudos for her telling you, I know a woman who has it she didn't start telling people, till my friend warned one of the married men she was interested in. But she is a whole other topic.
I wouldn't be able to be with someone with herpies. Sexuality is important to me in relationships and I would start to resent the person in time. But then again maybe I've never meet anyone wonderful enough to look past it. If she is perfect in every way, then I'd research it, types of herpies, treatment etc, this might help you decide.
In terms of what to say..that is a hard one. I have no idea. | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:02:52 PM | | I'd have to say .. it's been great, but I owe myself more. I've stayed disease free also, and I just wouldn't risk it.. I'm sorry if that offends, but that's how it is.... | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:14:55 PM | Lol hunter..
I hate to say but i'd be gone too.
Not because i only want to have sex without condoms or whatever but I could never fully feel comfortable having sex with that person.
That and i didn't have a huge plastic rod shoved in my arm with the future image of always using condoms (a pain i could have done without).
It's not exactly the best option in a full term married with kids relationship is it? | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 10 | |
| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:28:32 PM | Wait . . . you'd have to use condoms forever? That doesn't sound right. If it's true, forget what I said up there. But I'm pretty sure it's not--something to do with "outbreaks" and whatnot.
Also, why are we assuming SHE said it to HIM? I think he's about to say it to her. Neither is varifiable from the information provided. | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:34:53 PM | | Well, Obviously it was wrong of her not to tell you from the get go. However, You obviously have feelings for her, and, lets face it, you don't just "find" someone else that is "perfect" for you everyday. My suggestion would be for you to go with her to her doctor's office and ask questions. I've never had an STD so, I don't know what all has to happen to keep things as safe as humanly possible. I would assume that she would be contagious during breakouts. I've seen the commercials as well, that show how important it is to remain sexually inactive during outbreaks...Obviously, you should use condoms. I'm sure oral would be a bit tricky as well...It all comes down to how much you truly care about her. Only you know the answer to that. Follow your heart and use your head and ask questions..... | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:45:48 PM | Well a couple of choices
1. say forget it and move on
2. get information about the STD
3. give the person credit for at least telling you before you became sexually active
it would really suck to find out after you have been infected
4. decide if you could live with the possibility of getting the infection after you got the information about it
Also STD's are very common and not all are prevent from spreading by condoms especially HPV.
So you have to decide | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:49:26 PM | vro312..
Herpes in particular is apparantly something you can't treat to cure, but treat to ease symptoms.. when it comes to sex your just advised to 'use lubricant when your not having a breakout'
So as far as it would seem.. a protectionless relationship isn't going to be a good idea.
Don't quote me on info i just googled it. | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:04:02 PM | Well, I think it all depends on how you feel about this person. As I have written in another post, my brother's wife has Herpes and he knew full well about it before he married her. They started as friends and it was during this time he found out. But he eventually fell in love with her and the fact that she had Herpes became less important than the fact that he was truly in love with this her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Why let something like Herpes get in the way of that? Sure, he has it now but he says he still could not be happier. They have 2 beautiful children and are very happy.
Sure, Herpes or ANY disease would not be something fun to have to share but I agree that it was probably something very hard for this lady to tell you and hey...she COULD have not given you the choice to make this decision. Her honesty should say a lot about her. Honest or not though, it has to be about how you FEEL about her and what kind of future you think you could have with her. Is she worth it?
Get some education on the subject. From what I know, a good percentage of us has one type of Herpes or another any way (cold sores are a form of Herpes, ya know). Many folks dont even KNOW they have it due to lack of symptoms. But there is lots out there to help control outbreaks and such. I also worked in an OB/GYN clinic in the military...so though I dont know everything, that and with my brother's situation, I am less ignorant about it than I was. A little knowledge and education can go a long way and may be worth it where a long-lasting, loving relationship is concerned.
Well, Obviously it was wrong of her not to tell you from the get go.
This particular quote I kind of have to disagree with. If you had Herpes or anything else, would YOU be like "Hello, my name is so-and-so and I have ***"? I know that I wouldnt. Of course, some people might and more power to them! But I would not EXPECT a guy to on our first date or chat or whatever. I would take some time to get to know one another. If you see a connection where intimacy is evident well then of COURSE! But if you dont see a future with this person than there is really no need to divulge something so personal. Then you move on. My profile tells a lot about me that could be considered 'baggage' by some..divorced..with a child...etc. But I dont tell my life story or secrets or overly personal things on-line. There's time to share that.
Now, if you are a prostitute or just someone who makes a habit of 'gettin' busy' on the first date well then sure..make it a point to divulge.
Just my opinion. | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:33:33 PM | Honestly, my FIRST reaction would be to get mad that they didn't say anything earlier.
It depends what kind of conversations had been had already in the relationship, but this would feel too much like they are trying to get me emotionally attached first...I would wonder if they were hiding other things that they were purposely waiting to disclose.
After a rather lengthy discussion about all kinds of matters, it would depend on whether trust could be established or not. | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 17 | |
| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:40:57 PM |
Herpes in particular is apparantly something you can't treat to cure, but treat to ease symptoms.. when it comes to sex your just advised to 'use lubricant when your not having a breakout'
Thanks for the clarification, Baby. But, just for the record, I'm not actually planning on using the information. 
Still, doesn't this quote seem to say that you need lubricant when not having a breakout, not a condom? The last time I checked, which admittedly was quite a while ago, lubricant was not a prophylactic. Hmmm.
But like I said, I don't plan on testing it out. | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:29:44 PM | I'd have to say .. it's been great, but I owe myself more. I've stayed disease free also, and I just wouldn't risk it.. I'm sorry if that offends, but that's how it is....
consider this:
number 1, her honesty.
consider further this:
how many ppl arent honest and if you sleep with them, you would never know. while there is a risk of transmitting without a breakout present, its slim by comparison to contact with a lesion from an outbreak.
** the safest sex is no sex** | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:47:31 PM | If someone told me they had herpes, I agree with most on here.. I would seek medical information and see what the chances are of contracting the disease. I have heard on TV that you can contract the disease even if there is no outbreak, so a condom would be necesary at ALL times. However, that would leave out oral sex if it were a woman, unless you go for the dental shield or a condom. Seeing OP didn't say which it was, it would depend on which partner has the disease as to whether a condom or shield is used for oral.
There are far worse STD's to get, other than herpes, so it would depend on the relationship, and how far you want to take it. I guess it would determine how compatible you were and how serious the relationship was, but I certainly would hesitate to take it to this level.. Perhaps wait awhile and see how the relationship is going before jumping into the sack. JMO | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:53:36 PM | Funny, there's a very long thread elsewhere about herpes and how truly uningormed people are about it.
But, for the people who said they'd cut and run ...
Approximately 25% of adults have genital herpes, and 80% of those people don't know. You could be one of them. Or, you could be now or have already slept with one of them. There is a blood test for it, but you have to ask for it, and it may not be accurate.
50% or more adults carry the oral herpes virus (cold sores), which can be passed to the genitals via oral sex. You may want to make sure that none of your potential partners have ever had a cold sore, too. Or you could avoid oral sex, I suppose, and always use a condom, just in case.
Personally, I'm starting to think it'd be safer to find someone who knows they have herpes; that way, I know what I'm in for! :) | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:54:59 PM | | Ok, now I understand the 4 great dates, with handholding, looking longingly into the other's eyes, etc. etc. The person with the STD is trying to make things as absolutely fabulous as possible so that he/she is "selling" themselves to the non-afflicted and going the "extra mile". Granted, they have a right to be loved too, perhaps they should sign up for one of those dating w/herpes sites and find someone in the same situation. I personally would wish them well, and then I haven't been particular and worked at keeping myself disease free for nothing. | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 11:06:37 PM | There have been 24 different posters on here (so far). According to statistics, 6 (25%) of these people have herpes. 5 (80%) of these people don't know they have it. Can you guess who's the ONE person who knows, and who takes precautions?
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 11:09:33 PM | Been there....done that....multiple times with multiple women........and not their fault, just a part of life.
I am disease free, and have been all my years, and that is part of who and what I am, along with who I am with, their honesty and concern for me and themselves, and being open and honest with one another from the start, along with testing to prove it in the end.
If you care about another that much, then you should walk hand in hand to the doctor's office, lay the whole issue out there, get all the information about the STD and how it affects this particular person, and what options you have.
You then weigh those options, your affection for each other, and decide what you two will do. The sad part about all of this, is that as many as you may know can pass this on up to 70% of the time without any symptoms or outbreaks, and others can have it but not have an outbreak for many many years. It is even more amazing that many have it and do not even know, and pass it on without that knowledge.
Condoms will not stop the passing, and the shedding of the disease happens many times without an outbreak. So, you end up deciding if the one you are with is worth the chance you take every time you have sex, and use each and every precaution you can, and if she or he is worth it, you make that sacrifice and take that chance......or you do not and pass them by in your search for another.
I for one, will look at all the options, but if nothing else, I admire all those that have herpes and tell me about it BEFORE we have sex, and let me know that they care enough about me to do that. I thank all of them for their honesty and concern, and many will remain my friends for life......just not my lover if the chances outweigh the benefit.
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| What would you do if somone told you.
Posted: 1/21/2008 11:27:51 PM |
Kudos for her telling you
Kudos?? For waiting to tell after 5 dates??? I am sorry but, I find it deceitful that she didn't tell you on the first date. Not only deceitful but manipulative too.
I also think she does herself a disservice to wait so long, she must get attached to many men, only to see then run away when she tells the trust. That must hurt. better to tell right away and avoid all the rejection.
OK, if it was me. I would be mad and disappointed, and I would run away. One reason is the STD itself, but mostly because trusting her would be tough from that point on.
Now, about couples where one partner has Herpes 2 and the other does not. I personally know of 2 married couples where one partner has the virus and the other does not. In one case the female has the virus, and in the other, the male. The infected partner takes Valtrex everyday, and they have unprotected sex, and neither of the un-infected partners have contracted the virus. One of the couples has been having unprotected sex together for 15 years.
So, being in a relationship with one of the partners having herpes does not mean a lifetime of using condoms. But, I admit..I probably would not be willing to risk it. | |
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